Sincerely, Your Autistic Child

1. Autism is a unique neurology, not a disease to be cured

Autism isn't a bad "disease" that needs to be "cured" or "prevented," and it isn't worse than death.

Autism is a neurological difference. It shapes how individuals perceive and interact with the world. This perspective challenges the prevalent medical model that views autism as a disorder to be fixed. Instead, it emphasizes:

• Neurodiversity: The idea that neurological differences are natural variations in human brains
• Strengths and challenges: Autism brings both unique abilities and difficulties
• Acceptance over cure: Focus on supporting autistic individuals rather than trying to change them

Understanding autism as a different way of being, rather than a deficiency, promotes acceptance and better support for autistic individuals. This shift in mindset can significantly impact an autistic person's self-esteem and quality of life.

2. Embrace your autistic child's identity and support their self-acceptance

Teach her that she's not alone, that there are more people just like her.

Fostering self-acceptance is crucial. Parents play a vital role in helping their autistic children develop a positive self-image. This involves:

• Openly discussing autism: Explain it in age-appropriate terms, emphasizing strengths and differences
• Providing role models: Introduce successful autistic adults and peers
• Celebrating uniqueness: Encourage your child's special interests and ways of expressing themselves

By creating an environment of acceptance and understanding, parents can help their autistic children develop confidence and resilience. This foundation is essential for navigating a world that may not always understand or accommodate their differences.

3. Sensory experiences shape the autistic world profoundly

Once my sensory issues were considered, things just went better for me.

Sensory differences are central to autism. Many autistic individuals experience the world differently through their senses. This can include:

• Hypersensitivity: Heightened reactions to sounds, lights, textures, or smells
• Hyposensitivity: Reduced sensitivity to certain sensory inputs
• Sensory seeking: Craving certain sensory experiences

Understanding and accommodating these sensory needs can dramatically improve an autistic person's comfort and ability to function. Parents should:

• Observe and listen to their child's sensory preferences
• Create sensory-friendly environments at home
• Advocate for accommodations in school and other settings

By addressing sensory needs, parents can help reduce stress and meltdowns, allowing their child to focus on learning and social interactions.

4. Foster authentic social connections and autistic community

Your daughter needs to see adults like her. She needs to know adults who are profoundly joyful at minutia, who have executive functioning difficulties, who stim, who don't play the social games in the standard way.

Autistic peer connections are invaluable. While integration with neurotypical peers is important, autistic individuals often find deep understanding and comfort in relationships with other autistic people. Parents can support this by:

• Seeking out autistic peer groups or social clubs
• Encouraging online connections in moderated, safe spaces
• Attending autism-friendly events and activities

These connections provide:

• Shared experiences and understanding
• Opportunities to be authentically themselves without masking
• Role models for different ways of being autistic

Fostering these relationships can combat feelings of isolation and provide a sense of belonging that many autistic individuals struggle to find in neurotypical-dominated spaces.

5. Recognize and respect communication differences in autistic individuals

Just because children with autism have trouble communicating does not mean they cannot communicate.

Communication is diverse in autism. Autistic individuals may communicate differently, but their messages are no less valid. Parents should:

• Look beyond verbal communication
• Recognize and respect alternative forms of expression (e.g., writing, typing, AAC devices)
• Be patient and provide processing time

Key aspects of autistic communication:

• Non-verbal cues may be different or absent
• Literal interpretation of language is common
• Echolalia (repeating words or phrases) can be meaningful

By adapting to and embracing these communication differences, parents can foster better understanding and stronger connections with their autistic children.

6. Advocate for your child's rights and accommodations

Help your girl with social cues by spelling out your own reactions and feelings to interactions. When presented with problems, give your child options of possible different scenarios and examples of how she can react for greater success.

Effective advocacy is crucial. Parents must be proactive in ensuring their autistic child receives necessary support and accommodations. This includes:

• Understanding legal rights in education and healthcare
• Collaborating with teachers and professionals
• Teaching self-advocacy skills to your child

Key areas for advocacy:

• Educational accommodations (e.g., sensory breaks, extended time for tests)
• Social support and understanding from peers and adults
• Access to appropriate therapies and services

By advocating effectively, parents can help create an environment where their autistic child can thrive and reach their full potential.

7. Prepare for challenges in adolescence and adulthood

Some autistic people suddenly gain skills in adolescence, some people suddenly lose skills, and some do both.

Adolescence can bring unique challenges. As autistic individuals grow, they may face new difficulties or experience changes in their abilities. Parents should:

• Be prepared for potential skill fluctuations
• Maintain open communication about puberty and bodily changes
• Address emerging social and emotional complexities

Key considerations:

• Increased social demands and expectations
• Changes in sensory sensitivities
• Developing independence and life skills

By anticipating and addressing these challenges, parents can help their autistic children navigate the transition to adulthood more smoothly.

8. Understand the intersection of autism with gender and sexuality

Autistic females sometimes grow up transgender and choose to take steps to live as a male. Autistic females sometimes grow up to be lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, or asexual.

Gender and sexuality can be complex for autistic individuals. Research suggests a higher prevalence of gender diversity and non-heterosexual orientations among autistic people. Parents should:

• Remain open-minded and supportive
• Provide accurate, accessible information about gender and sexuality
• Respect their child's self-identification and expression

Important points:

• Gender identity and sexual orientation are separate from autism
• Autistic individuals may explore these aspects of identity differently
• Support and acceptance are crucial for mental health and well-being

By creating an accepting environment, parents can help their autistic children explore and express their authentic selves in all aspects of identity.

9. Prioritize your child's autonomy and boundaries

Teach your daughter to own her body.

Respecting boundaries is essential. Autistic individuals may have different comfort levels with physical touch, social interactions, and personal space. Parents should:

• Teach and model consent
• Respect their child's right to say "no"
• Encourage self-advocacy in setting boundaries

Key aspects:

• Body autonomy in medical settings and daily life
• Recognizing and respecting sensory boundaries
• Teaching safety while preserving independence

By prioritizing autonomy and boundaries, parents can help their autistic children develop self-confidence and protect themselves from potential abuse or exploitation.

10. Celebrate neurodiversity and reject harmful therapies

There is nothing that can be done in an institution that can't be done—and done better—in someone's home.

Embrace neurodiversity, avoid harmful interventions. The neurodiversity movement emphasizes accepting and supporting autistic individuals as they are, rather than trying to make them "normal." Parents should:

• Question therapies that focus on compliance or "normalizing" behavior
• Seek support that enhances quality of life and self-determination
• Celebrate their child's unique strengths and interests

Harmful practices to avoid:

• Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) that focuses on compliance
• Therapies that suppress stimming or force eye contact
• Restrictive diets or unproven medical treatments

By embracing neurodiversity and rejecting harmful interventions, parents can support their autistic child's authentic development and foster a positive autistic identity.

Last updated: January 22, 2025