Six Ways to Keep the "Good" in Your Boy

1. Understand the Crisis: Boys Are at Risk in Today's Culture

We’ve lost our faith in the goodness of boys and men.

Cultural pressures abound. Today's culture often portrays men negatively, leading to a decline in traditional markers of manhood like education, career, and family formation. This "adultescent" phenomenon describes young men stuck in prolonged adolescence, lacking honor, integrity, and a sense of responsibility.

Key risks boys face:

• Emasculation by a culture that devalues masculinity.
• Falling prey to a highly sexualized environment (porn, aggressive girls).
• Losing real-world responsibility to the false purpose found in gaming.
• Increased risk of depression and related issues.

Fight for their goodness. Despite these challenges, God created men to reflect Christ's self-sacrificing love, leading and providing for families and contributing to society. We must actively counter cultural messages and raise sons prepared to embrace the responsibility of growing up and being "good"—useful and beneficial to others.

2. Connection is Foundational: Build a Strong Mother-Son Bond

Your investment of time is helping your child procure the brain space to store moral values.

Intentional togetherness matters. Parent-child connectedness, defined as intentional togetherness through shared activities and traditions, is crucial for a child's development. This bond, especially with the mother, significantly impacts a boy's emotional security and reduces the risk of delinquent behavior during the teen years.

Brain development link. Research shows critical phases of brain development occur in infancy and just before/during puberty (ages 8-12 for boys), particularly in the prefrontal cortex responsible for moral behavior and self-control. Consistent, connected interaction with caring adults positively molds this brain growth.

Values are formed now. The tween years (ages 8-12) are the most critical phase for value formation, moving from the "copycat" stage (2-5) to the "counseling" stage where they ask "why?" and decide what they believe. Being a "connecting mom" means being present to answer these questions and guide their developing moral compass before the world provides its own answers.

3. Know His Brain: Testosterone, Risk, and the Need for Purpose

The engine is revved, the wheels are turning, but the brakes are likely to cut out when needed!

Hormonal overdrive. During the tween and early teen years, a boy's brain is flooded with dopamine (risk) and testosterone (aggressiveness), while lacking serotonin (peace). His prefrontal cortex, the "moral-value brake system," is still underdeveloped until his mid-twenties, making consistent self-control challenging.

Potential for greatness. This unique wiring, while risky, also poises him for goodness and greatness. Properly channeled, aggression and risk-taking can drive him to conquer challenges, lead, protect, and pursue a fulfilling life mission.

External direction needed. Unlike girls, whose brains are naturally pressed toward "good" by serotonin, a boy's brain requires external pressure and guidance to direct his prolific changes toward health, purpose, and character. This is where parents, particularly fathers, become crucial in defining his direction and purpose.

4. Embrace "Wolfing": Mom Nurtures, Dad Challenges Towards Purpose

I want to propose that wolfing—a cooperative effort in parenting—is essential to raise a son who will be capable of authentic community and who lives a life of good purpose.

Cooperative parenting model. The "wolfing" analogy highlights two stages: the mother's early nurturing (intimacy, safety) and the father's later role in teaching risk and purpose through venturing out. Both roles are vital for raising a son capable of community and driven by good purpose.

Mom's role evolves. While physical nurturing may change, Mom continues to teach intimacy and safety. Crucially, she empowers the "Wolf Dad" by affirming his role, avoiding nagging or micromanaging his methods, and trusting him to lead in teaching risk-taking and discipline, even when it's difficult.

Dad teaches purpose. The father's primary role is to teach his son to direct aggression and risk towards a fulfilling life mission. This involves intentional connection (like "Wing Nites"), simply "being around" to model good manhood, and introducing him to a community of positive male role models.

5. Way 1: Get Him Outside to Play for Self-Control and Integrity

Old-fashioned play—consisting of forts and tag and the risk of an occasional broken bone—is good for our sons.

Play builds executive function. Unstructured outdoor play, involving making up games, setting rules, and navigating social dynamics, helps boys develop executive function in the prefrontal cortex. This builds crucial self-regulation skills needed for moral behavior and self-control, acting as a protective "wall" against negative influences.

Healthy risk-taking outlet. Boys crave dopamine jolts from risk. Gaming provides this falsely, increasing vulnerability to porn addiction. Outdoor adventures like climbing, hiking, or even exploring drainage pipes offer healthy ways to satisfy this craving, channeling their energy positively and protecting their integrity.

Limit screen time, encourage creative play. Counter the culture's toy-driven, screen-addicted play by limiting overall screen time (aim for 1-2 hours/day) and encouraging creative play with simple materials (wood, string, boxes). Introduce building toys (Lego, Erector) or books like "The Dangerous Book for Boys" to foster imagination and problem-solving.

6. Way 2: Give Him Books to Discover a Real Call of Duty

Gaming, however, gives him a false sense of purpose (and up to 25 percent of boys will actually become addicted to that sensation).

Reading predicts success. Boys lag behind girls in reading and overall educational interest, a trend linked to increased screen time since the 1990s. Reading is a strong predictor of academic success and helps cultivate the work ethic needed for leadership and purpose.

Gaming's false mission. Excessive gaming (average 35 hours/week) provides a false sense of accomplishment and purpose, diverting boys from pursuing real-life missions. This addiction can hinder their ability to engage with the world and develop a genuine "call of duty" to contribute to society.

Cultivate a real mission. Encourage reading by exposing him to diverse books, visiting libraries/bookstores, and offering incentives. Choose books that offer good role models (biographies, historical fiction) and challenge him to think critically, avoiding mindless drivel or stories that blur the lines between good and evil.

7. Way 3: Foster Male Community Through Shared Experiences

Community rescued him.

Men need community. Men are wired for communal thinking and living, needing a "tribe" for accountability and support. If parents don't intentionally direct them, boys may seek this in unhealthy places like gangs. Introducing them to a community of good men is vital for character development.

Dad's role in community. A father can facilitate this by modeling healthy male relationships and intentionally connecting his son with positive male role models (grandfathers, uncles, youth pastors, mentors). These relationships don't always require deep conversation; simply "being near" good men is influential.

Mom's role in community. Single moms can actively invite men into their son's life by giving permission to speak into his life, seeking out neighborhoods with strong male role models, and encouraging participation in church groups or activities where he can connect with godly men and peers. Informal gatherings like fantasy football leagues can also build community.

8. Way 4: Celebrate His Entrance into Manhood by Talking About Sex and Girls

Sex is the topic that you’ve told me is your greatest fear.

Puberty's powerful changes. Boys experience dramatic physical and emotional changes during puberty (ages 9-14+), driven by testosterone surges. These changes include physical growth, wet dreams, erections, moodiness, and increased aggression, requiring open, honest conversations from parents.

Prepare for aggressive girls. The culture often promotes female aggression and sensuality, which can be overwhelming for boys navigating new sexual hormones. Teach your son about aggressive girls early (ages 9-10), using teachable moments and Proverbs 7 to warn him, while also highlighting the value of godly young women.

Talk about sex early and often. Initiate conversations about sex before age 10, providing accurate, explicit, and positive information about God's design for sex within marriage. Be prepared to answer questions truthfully, even awkward ones, establishing yourselves as trusted sources of information to counter misinformation from peers or media.

9. Way 5: Unplug Him from a Plugged-In World to Guard His Heart

Make no mistake about it, today’s porn doesn’t just misuse God’s gift of sexuality—it misrepresents it grotesquely.

Pornography's pervasive threat. Porn is a major battleground, easily accessible and increasingly explicit/violent. It normalizes perversion and can dismantle a boy's esteem for healthy relationships, leading to addiction and a breakdown of integrity through a double life.

Filter and train. Implement filtering software (like Safe Eyes) and accountability programs (like Covenant Eyes) on all devices to protect your family. Crucially, train your son to choose purity by talking about the dangers of porn early (ages 7-8), using analogies (like "toilet water") to convey its harmful nature.

Address overall screen time. Excessive screen use (average 38 hours/week) is not just about content; it's a distraction that hinders real-world interaction and can decrease empathy. Limit overall screen time (1-2 hours/day), turn off screens during meals, and model healthy screen habits yourself to prioritize relationships and responsibilities over digital consumption.

10. Way 6: Build a Gentleman Who Values Family Love

We want him to become a gentleman.

Counter the "me first" culture. Society often promotes a selfish, passive manhood, contrary to God's design for men to be leaders, providers, and protectors. Reclaim "family love" by raising sons who desire to be godly husbands and fathers, embodying the qualities of a gentleman.

Value a godly wife. Teach your son the surpassing value of an "excellent wife" (Proverbs 31), pointing out the qualities of godly women in your life (mother, pastor's wife, friends) and praising their "goodness" (character, work ethic) over superficial traits. Use humor and intentional conversations to instill this vision.

Train for godly manhood. Prepare him for marriage by teaching him to "give himself up" (Ephesians 5) by putting women first (opening doors, carrying things). Teach him the Word and encourage him to share it, preparing him to lead his family spiritually. Define clear boundaries for physical intimacy ("How far is too far?") early in his teens, emphasizing that the purity of his relationships is his responsibility. Cultivate a strong work ethic so he can provide for his future family.

11. The Ongoing Battle: Complacency vs. Actively Pursuing Goodness

Did God feel like that when Adam stood at the base of the Tree and did nothing?

The Tree of Complacency. Just as Adam's passive acceptance at the Tree of Knowledge led to sin, our sons face daily temptations to choose complacency—going along with the world's brokenness rather than actively pursuing goodness. This quiet inaction can be a form of rebellion.

Daily choices matter. The "Tree" appears in many forms throughout life, from childhood tantrums over toys to teenage peer pressure or young adult apathy. Each choice to prioritize self or passively accept negative influences is a step away from the "good" God calls them to be.

Keep swimming upstream. Raising a godly gentleman in a "me first" culture feels like swimming upstream, facing constant peer and cultural pressure. Don't give up. By intentionally building connection, teaching values, fostering healthy relationships, and modeling goodness, you equip your son to choose actively to be a man of integrity, honor, and purity, even when you're not there to guide him.

Last updated: May 3, 2025