The Book of Moods

1. Understand Your Moods: They Are Triggered Lessons

I finally understood that moods didn’t come out of thin air.

Moods are not random. The author's journey began with the realization that her intense, seemingly uncontrollable feelings were not random but were triggered by specific, often insignificant, external events like an email, a comment, or a photo. Unlike fleeting emotions (lasting 60-90 seconds), moods are the lingering state that results from choosing to keep igniting the thought or feeling associated with the trigger.
Triggers are personal. These triggers are unique to each individual, acting as a "buzzer" that signals something within needs attention. Trying to avoid triggers is futile; they are an unavoidable part of life's unpredictable circumstances. Instead of being made miserable by triggers, the author learned that her reactions to them were the source of suffering.
Moods can be transformed. By becoming aware of her moods and the triggers that prompted them, the author gained distance and the ability to study herself. This awareness allowed her to move from being ruled by her moods to understanding and transforming them into knowledge, power, and calm, ultimately leading to a better life.

2. Anxiety: Stay Present and Reframe Stress as Challenge

Anxiety was nothing more than thinking.

Anxiety is future/past thinking. This mood, characterized by tension and worried thoughts, often stems from dwelling on past regrets or future fears. Women are particularly prone to anxiety, worrying twice as much as men and making stronger connections between past negative events and potential future ones (anchoring).
Stay present. The key to managing anxiety is to pull your mind back to the present moment. Like writers focusing on one word at a time, or meditators noticing wandering thoughts, the goal is simply to observe when your mind drifts to the past or future and gently redirect it. This practice, like "swiping left" on unwanted thoughts, builds a habit of presence.
Reframe stress. Instead of viewing stressful situations as threats, perceive them as challenges. Research on telomeres shows that viewing stress as a challenge, rather than a threat, can prevent the negative physiological effects of chronic stress and maintain well-being. Accepting the worst possible outcome can also paradoxically reduce anxiety by eliminating the fear of uncertainty.

3. Beauty Moods: Detach from Ego and Practice Self-Acceptance

There is no agony like feeling ugly.

Beauty moods stem from ego. Feelings of inadequacy and self-hatred related to appearance are deeply tied to the ego and a mindset of "self-cherishing," where one believes their desires (like looking perfect) are paramount. This obsession with the outer self leads to a constant state of fixation and unfulfillment.
Practice selflessness (Tonglen). The antidote to self-cherishing is selflessness. The Buddhist practice of Tonglen involves breathing in the pain of others (including those feeling unattractive or insecure) and breathing out relief and compassion. This turns selfish obsession into connection and reminds you that you are not alone in your suffering.
Challenge perceptions. Realize that your perception of your own appearance is often distorted by flaws you fixate on, while others see you as a whole person. Avoid "mirrors" like social media that reinforce negative comparisons. Instead of striving to be "pretty like her," embrace being "pretty like you," reinforcing positive messages to counteract the brain's negativity bias.

4. Work Moods: Manage Your Willpower and Build Rituals

The more we suppress the stuff we want and do the stuff we don’t want to do, the less self-control we have later.

Willpower is finite (Ego Depletion). Moods related to work, tasks, and daily obligations often stem from ego depletion, the psychological theory that willpower is a limited resource that gets drained throughout the day. This depletion leads to irritability, poor decisions, and difficulty resisting bad habits.
Say no and build rituals. To combat depletion, learn to say no to unnecessary commitments that drain your energy. Additionally, build small, indulgent rituals into your routine. These "small treats," like a specific tea or a walk, act as moments of pleasure that can counteract depletion and restore willpower, making you more resilient to daily stressors.
Remove excess choice. Decision fatigue is a major drain on willpower. Eliminate unnecessary choices throughout your day, especially when depleted. This could involve planning meals in advance, setting strict rules around vices (abstaining completely is often easier than moderation), or automating routine decisions. Reframing tasks from "have to" to "get to" can also shift perception and reduce depletion.

5. Friendship Moods: Heal Disconnection Through Self-Love and Effort

Emotional distress... is always the result of disconnection...

Friendship moods stem from disconnection. Feelings of loneliness, paranoia, and hurt related to friendships are often rooted in disconnection from others, the self, or community. Women's sense of self is deeply tied to relationships, and disruptions can feel like a loss of self. Social rejection triggers the same brain circuits as physical pain.
Practice self-love (Maitri). Insecurity and self-judgment project negative energy, pushing people away. The antidote is self-love, or maitri (friendship/friendliness towards oneself). This involves challenging distorted automatic thoughts (assuming, overgeneralizing, personalizing) and replacing self-criticism with compassion and gratitude, enabling a more authentic and attractive "flow."
Put in the effort. Friendships require effort and consistency, not just natural chemistry. The mere-exposure effect shows we like people the more we see them. Building a close friendship takes significant time (e.g., >200 hours for a best friend). Overcome the fear of rejection by reaching out honestly and accepting that others' actions (like not texting back) are often not personal but reflect their own lives and quirks.

6. Family Moods: Understand Roles and Improve Communication

We are like sculptors, constantly carving out of others the image we long for... often against reality... and always, in the end, a disappointment because it does not fit them.

Family moods stem from disappointment. Anger and frustration around family often mask deeper disappointment when they don't meet our expectations or fit the roles we've assigned them. This is compounded by ingrained family dynamics and unresolved past issues.
Recognize family roles. Families often fall into communication roles (Blamer, Distractor, Computer, Placater, Leveler). Understanding your own role (e.g., Blamer, deflecting blame to avoid disappointment) and the roles of others helps you see the dynamic clearly and choose not to engage in old, damaging patterns.
Improve communication. Instead of avoiding conflict or resorting to old roles, practice honest, direct communication. Use "I" statements ("I feel hurt when...") instead of "You" statements ("You always...") to express your feelings without attacking. Learn to apologize sincerely ("Thank you for waiting" instead of "Sorry I'm late") to repair damage and move forward, even if the underlying issues are perpetual.

7. Body Moods: Honor Your Physical Cycles and Build Routine

The body... is what you enter life in and what you depart life with, and it should be treated with honor.

Body moods are physical. Moods can stem directly from the body's state, influenced by factors like sleep, diet, and hormonal cycles. The mind and body are deeply connected (bodymind), with emotional stress manifesting physically and physical states affecting mood. Ignoring or being ashamed of physical realities (like periods) exacerbates negative feelings.
Acknowledge your cycles. The female body undergoes significant monthly hormonal fluctuations, leading to different physical and emotional states (PMS, changes in energy, cognition). Accepting and honoring these cycles, rather than resisting them, provides sanity and allows you to build self-care around them (like the Spanish "la regla" or Yurok rituals).
Build routine. Chaos in life (lack of schedule, poor habits) leads to chaos in the body (irregular periods, poor sleep, unhealthy eating). Establishing consistent routines for sleep, diet, and self-care provides stability and allows the body to function optimally. Paying attention to your body's needs (like tracking food or sleep) helps you understand it and give it what it needs, fostering a sense of control and well-being.

8. Unexpected Events: Reframe Perception and Accept Lack of Control

It was that childish, haunting feeling that life wasn’t fair.

Unexpected events trigger disproportionate reactions. Minor inconveniences or unforeseen circumstances can trigger intense moods because they tap into deeper feelings of unfairness, disrespect, loss of self-esteem, or rejection. These reactions are often disproportionate to the actual event.
Perception is key. How you perceive an event determines your emotional response. Your "perceptual intelligence" is influenced by memories and emotions, leading to misinterpretations (e.g., assuming a delay is a personal attack). Most situations have complex underlying stories you don't know (like the Taylor-Burton diamond).
Accept lack of control. You cannot control external events, but you can control your perception and reaction. Practice reframing negative interpretations by examining evidence for and against your automatic thoughts (perception prep chart). Accept that life isn't always fair and that you can't control everything. Focus on what you can control – your response – and find gratitude even in difficult moments.

Last updated: May 3, 2025