The Connected Parent

1. Understand attachment to build trust and connection

The attachment cycle, which essentially says that a baby cries and a caregiver comes, and a baby cries again and a caregiver comes again. This cycle happens over and over…and over and over. And a child learns, "If I have a need and I cry, someone comes and tenderly meets that need."

Foundation of trust. The attachment cycle is crucial for developing a child's sense of trust and security. When caregivers consistently respond to a child's needs, it lays the groundwork for healthy emotional development and future relationships.

Impact of early experiences. Children from hard places often miss out on this crucial early bonding, leading to challenges in forming attachments later in life. Understanding this helps parents approach their children with empathy and patience, recognizing that building trust may take time and consistent effort.

Rebuilding attachment. For children who have experienced trauma or neglect, parents can work to recreate positive attachment experiences:

• Respond consistently to the child's needs
• Provide physical comfort and nurturing touch when appropriate
• Maintain eye contact and use a warm, soothing voice
• Create predictable routines to foster a sense of security

2. Explore your own history to parent more effectively

It is only as I heal my own history that I can know the right path to lead a child to heal their own history.

Self-awareness is crucial. Understanding our own attachment history and childhood experiences allows us to recognize potential triggers and biases in our parenting. This self-reflection helps us avoid repeating negative patterns and respond more effectively to our children's needs.

Healing generational patterns. By addressing our own unresolved issues, we can break cycles of unhealthy parenting and create a more nurturing environment for our children. This may involve:

• Seeking therapy or counseling to process past experiences
• Practicing mindfulness and self-compassion
• Identifying and challenging negative thought patterns
• Learning new coping strategies and communication skills

Modeling healthy relationships. As we work on our own emotional growth, we demonstrate to our children the importance of self-reflection and personal development. This creates a family culture of openness, vulnerability, and continuous improvement.

3. Use simple scripts to guide behavior and communication

Scripts are short verbal cues used to redirect children toward optimal behavior. Scripts are quick phrases; they're simple and communicate clearly.

Effective communication. Scripts provide a consistent, easy-to-understand way to guide children's behavior. They help parents remain calm and focused during challenging moments, avoiding long lectures or emotional reactions.

Examples of useful scripts:

• "Let me see your beautiful eyes" (to encourage eye contact)
• "Listen and obey" (to reinforce following instructions)
• "Are you asking or telling?" (to promote respectful communication)
• "Try that again with respect" (to address disrespectful behavior)
• "Use your words" (to encourage verbal expression of needs)

Practice and consistency. Introduce scripts during calm times and practice them through role-play. Use them consistently in daily interactions to reinforce positive behaviors and communication patterns.

4. Combat chronic fear by creating a sense of safety

Children who have experienced trauma often live in a state of chronic fear long after the threat of real danger has passed.

Understanding fear responses. Children from hard places may exhibit behaviors driven by fear, even in safe environments. These can include aggression, withdrawal, or hypervigilance. Recognizing these as fear responses rather than intentional misbehavior is crucial for effective parenting.

Creating felt safety. To help children feel truly safe:

• Maintain predictable routines and schedules
• Offer choices to provide a sense of control
• Use transitional warnings to reduce anxiety about changes
• Provide physical and emotional nurturing
• Address sensory needs (e.g., weighted blankets, calming scents)

Building trust over time. Consistently meeting a child's needs and responding with empathy helps rewire their brain to feel safe. This process takes time and patience but is essential for healing and healthy development.

5. Nurture to heal and build strong relationships

Nurturing connection must come first. I always try to remind the parent of what their child lost—the care, the tender love, the eye contact, and the touch of a parent.

Importance of nurture. Children from hard places often missed out on crucial nurturing experiences in their early years. Providing intentional nurturing helps rebuild trust and promotes healing.

Nurturing strategies:

• Physical touch (when appropriate and welcomed by the child)
• Eye contact and warm facial expressions
• Rocking or gentle movement
• Feeding (even with older children, in age-appropriate ways)
• Caring for hurts, both physical and emotional

Balance of nurture and structure. While nurturing is crucial, it must be balanced with appropriate structure and boundaries. This combination helps children feel both loved and secure.

6. Teach respect through modeling and gentle guidance

Respect is a higher-order process that is naturally accessible to children who have lived in loving and nurturing homes. But let's remember that no child is perfect, and even typically developing children with attentive, compassionate caregivers can sometimes struggle as they learn to show respect.

Model respect first. Children learn respect primarily through observation. Consistently treat your child and others with respect, even during challenging moments.

Teaching respect strategies:

• Use the script "Try that again with respect" to encourage respectful communication
• Offer "redos" when a child responds disrespectfully
• Praise respectful behavior when you observe it
• Explain the reasons behind respectful behavior to help children understand its importance

Patience and understanding. Remember that children from hard places may not have experienced respectful treatment in their past. Be patient as they learn this new skill, and recognize that progress may be slow but steady.

7. Recognize and address sensory processing challenges

Many children from hard places have difficulty interpreting sensory input.

Impact on behavior. Sensory processing difficulties can lead to seemingly inexplicable behaviors, meltdowns, or withdrawal. Understanding these challenges helps parents respond with empathy and appropriate support.

Common sensory issues:

• Oversensitivity to touch, sound, or light
• Undersensitivity to sensory input, leading to sensory-seeking behaviors
• Difficulty with balance or spatial awareness
• Challenges with fine or gross motor skills

Strategies for sensory support:

• Create a sensory-friendly environment (e.g., dim lighting, quiet spaces)
• Offer sensory tools (e.g., fidget toys, weighted blankets)
• Incorporate sensory activities into daily routines (e.g., jumping, deep pressure)
• Work with an occupational therapist for personalized strategies

8. Adapt parenting strategies for teens from hard places

In many respects, working with a teenager can be optimal. They often have more cognitive capacity than a younger child, so their ability to partner with the parent is greater.

Respect autonomy. Teens need to feel a sense of control and independence. Offer choices and involve them in decision-making processes whenever possible.

Build trust through connection. Focus on building a strong relationship by:

• Spending one-on-one time together
• Listening without judgment
• Showing interest in their opinions and experiences
• Being reliable and consistent in your words and actions

Adapt nurturing techniques. While teens may resist traditional forms of nurturing, find age-appropriate ways to show care:

• Offer support during challenging times
• Celebrate their achievements
• Provide physical comfort when welcomed (e.g., a brief hug or pat on the back)

9. Build a toolbox of effective parenting techniques

Your child will never be younger than they are now, so what better time to begin parenting this way?

Diverse strategies. Develop a range of tools to address various situations and needs. This flexibility allows you to respond effectively to your child's unique challenges.

Key tools to include:

• Offering choices to share power
• Using compromises to avoid power struggles
• Practicing "redos" to teach new skills
• Matching your child's tone and body language to build connection
• Being a detective to understand the reasons behind behaviors
• Celebrating your child's needs to build trust

Continuous learning. Regularly reflect on what works and what doesn't, and be open to learning new techniques as your child grows and changes.

10. Prioritize self-care to maintain resilience and empathy

Please don't feel ashamed for experiencing compassion fatigue. Acknowledge your feelings and begin to explore what your body, soul, and spirit need to heal and regain resilience.

Importance of self-care. Parenting children from hard places is emotionally and physically demanding. Taking care of yourself is crucial for maintaining the energy and empathy needed to support your child effectively.

Self-care strategies:

• Prioritize sleep and proper nutrition
• Exercise regularly, even if it's just short walks
• Practice mindfulness or meditation
• Maintain social connections and seek support from others who understand your journey
• Engage in hobbies or activities that bring you joy
• Set boundaries and ask for help when needed

Professional support. Don't hesitate to seek professional help if you're experiencing signs of secondary trauma or compassion fatigue. Therapy can provide valuable tools for managing stress and processing your experiences.

Last updated: October 6, 2024