The Disease to Please

1. Recognize the Disease to Please: It's Not Just Being Nice

The Disease to Please is a debilitating psychological problem with far-reaching, serious consequences.

Compulsive people-pleasing is a harmful pattern that goes beyond simply being kind. It's characterized by an excessive need for approval, difficulty saying no, and prioritizing others' needs at the expense of one's own. This behavior often leads to:

• Chronic stress and exhaustion
• Resentment and suppressed anger
• Low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy
• Dysfunctional relationships

People-pleasers often believe their behavior protects them from rejection and conflict. However, this mindset is self-defeating and can lead to exploitation by others. Recognizing these patterns is the first step towards recovery.

2. Break Free from People-Pleasing Mindsets

People-Pleasing Mindsets are logically flawed and incorrect. In addition to being incorrect, they are damaging and dangerous because they contribute to feelings of depression, anxiety, self-blame, and guilt and perpetuate a self-defeating stress cycle.

Challenging toxic thoughts is crucial for overcoming people-pleasing tendencies. Common flawed beliefs include:

• "I should always do what others want or expect of me"
• "I must never disappoint anyone"
• "My needs should always come last"

To break free from these mindsets:

• Identify and question your "shoulds" and "musts"
• Replace rigid demands with flexible preferences
• Practice self-compassion and self-acceptance
• Recognize that it's okay to prioritize your own needs

Changing these thought patterns will help reduce anxiety, guilt, and the compulsion to please others at your own expense.

3. Overcome the Addiction to Approval

Nobody gets approval all of the time and that is precisely what makes it so addictive.

Understanding approval addiction is key to breaking the cycle of people-pleasing. Like other addictions, the need for constant approval operates on a variable reinforcement schedule, making it particularly compelling. To overcome this:

• Recognize that seeking everyone's approval is impossible and exhausting
• Develop internal sources of validation and self-worth
• Practice tolerating disapproval or criticism from others
• Focus on building authentic relationships based on mutual respect, not constant validation

Remember, true self-esteem comes from living according to your own values, not from earning others' constant approval.

4. Learn to Say "No" Effectively

Just because you may have an addiction to approval doesn't mean that you're doomed to remain helplessly hooked. Even if you're addicted, you can break your people-pleasing habits.

Mastering the art of saying "no" is crucial for recovering people-pleasers. Here's a step-by-step approach:

1. Buy time: "Let me check my schedule and get back to you."
2. Identify your options: Say yes, no, or offer a compromise.
3. Forecast consequences of each option.
4. Select the best option for you.
5. Respond firmly and directly.

Techniques for saying "no":

• Use the "sandwich technique": positive-negative-positive
• Practice the "broken record" technique for persistent requests
• Offer a counteroffer if appropriate

Remember, saying "no" doesn't make you a bad person. It's a necessary skill for maintaining healthy boundaries and relationships.

5. Delegate Tasks and Reclaim Your Time

You must steadfastly resist other maneuvers, however flattering their disguise.

Effective delegation is crucial for recovering people-pleasers to reclaim their time and energy. Steps to successful delegation:

1. Make a comprehensive list of your tasks and responsibilities
2. Identify tasks that don't absolutely require your personal attention
3. Rank tasks by how much you dislike doing them
4. Delegate at least 10% of your tasks to others

When delegating:

• Be clear and specific about expectations
• Provide necessary resources and support
• Resist the urge to micromanage or take back delegated tasks
• Appreciate and acknowledge others' efforts

Remember, delegation is not a sign of weakness or incompetence. It's a crucial skill for managing your time and energy effectively.

6. Manage Anger and Conflict Constructively

Anger management should begin as soon as the pot begins to turn warm rather than waiting until it is threatening to boil over.

Developing anger management skills is essential for healthy relationships and personal well-being. Key strategies include:

1. Create a personalized anger scale (0-100)
2. Identify your "set-point" for action (10 points below danger level)
3. Practice relaxation techniques (deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation)
4. Use "anger-down" thoughts to counter "anger-up" thoughts
5. Apply the TIME OUT technique in escalating conflicts

Remember, the goal is not to suppress anger but to express it constructively. Healthy conflict resolution can actually strengthen relationships when handled appropriately.

7. Develop a Healthier Self-Concept Beyond Niceness

It's okay not to be nice.

Redefining your identity beyond being "nice" is crucial for recovery from people-pleasing. Steps to develop a healthier self-concept:

1. Make a list of your qualities without using the word "nice"
2. Ask trusted friends to describe you (without using "nice")
3. Create an ideal self-concept based on these insights
4. Practice "acting as if" you embody these qualities

Remember, being kind and considerate is valuable, but it shouldn't come at the expense of your own needs and boundaries. A more nuanced self-concept allows for a fuller range of human experiences and emotions.

8. Practice Self-Care and Relaxation Techniques

Unless you take better care of yourself physically and psychologically, you won't be able to take good care of the people that matter most in your life.

Prioritizing self-care is essential for recovering people-pleasers. Strategies include:

• Create a list of pleasurable activities and do at least two daily
• Practice relaxation techniques like deep breathing and progressive muscle relaxation
• Set aside time for hobbies and personal interests
• Maintain healthy boundaries in relationships
• Get adequate sleep, exercise, and nutrition

Remember, self-care isn't selfish. It's necessary for maintaining your physical and emotional health, which in turn allows you to be truly present and helpful to others when appropriate.

9. Use the TIME OUT Strategy for Conflict Resolution

Think of TIME OUT as a sports metaphor. Coaches call TIME OUT when they need to advise their team, give the team an attitude adjustment, break the offensive rhythm of the other team, or otherwise help the team to win the game.

The TIME OUT technique is a powerful tool for managing escalating conflicts. Steps to implement:

1. Recognize signs of escalating anger in yourself or others
2. Use prepared exit lines to announce your departure
3. Deflect resistance with the Broken Record technique
4. Leave the scene
5. Use anger reduction methods to cool down
6. Return and call TIME IN to resume the discussion

This strategy allows you to maintain control, prevent saying things you might regret, and model healthy conflict resolution. Remember, taking a TIME OUT is not a sign of weakness or defeat, but a mature approach to handling difficult situations.

Last updated: December 3, 2024