Facebook Pixel
Searching...
English
EnglishEnglish
EspañolSpanish
简体中文Chinese
FrançaisFrench
DeutschGerman
日本語Japanese
PortuguêsPortuguese
ItalianoItalian
한국어Korean
РусскийRussian
NederlandsDutch
العربيةArabic
PolskiPolish
हिन्दीHindi
Tiếng ViệtVietnamese
SvenskaSwedish
ΕλληνικάGreek
TürkçeTurkish
ไทยThai
ČeštinaCzech
RomânăRomanian
MagyarHungarian
УкраїнськаUkrainian
Bahasa IndonesiaIndonesian
DanskDanish
SuomiFinnish
БългарскиBulgarian
עבריתHebrew
NorskNorwegian
HrvatskiCroatian
CatalàCatalan
SlovenčinaSlovak
LietuviųLithuanian
SlovenščinaSlovenian
СрпскиSerbian
EestiEstonian
LatviešuLatvian
فارسیPersian
മലയാളംMalayalam
தமிழ்Tamil
اردوUrdu
Who's Pulling Your Strings?

Who's Pulling Your Strings?

How to Break the Cycle of Manipulation and Regain Control of Your Life
by Harriet B. Braiker 2003 256 pages
4.06
500+ ratings
Listen
6 minutes

Key Takeaways

1. Recognize the Signs of Manipulation in Relationships

Manipulation is used because it works.

Red flags of manipulation: Look for signs such as confusion about the other person's motives, feeling pressured to comply with requests, and experiencing guilt or anxiety when you don't meet their expectations. Manipulative relationships often involve:

  • Imbalance of power and control
  • Unclear or shifting communication
  • Exploitation of your vulnerabilities
  • Use of guilt, fear, or obligation as leverage

Impact on the victim: Manipulation can lead to a loss of self-esteem, identity confusion, and a sense of powerlessness. Victims often experience:

  • Chronic stress and anxiety
  • Difficulty making decisions
  • Resentment and suppressed anger
  • Feeling trapped or unable to leave the relationship

2. Understand the Motivations and Tactics of Manipulators

Manipulators operate out of three principal interpersonal motives: They need to advance their own purposes and their own personal gain at virtually any cost to others.

Common manipulator traits:

  • Narcissism
  • Low empathy
  • Strong need for control
  • Sense of entitlement
  • Inability to take responsibility

Manipulation tactics:

  • Charm and flattery
  • Silent treatment
  • Guilt-tripping
  • Gaslighting
  • Intimidation and threats
  • Playing the victim

Manipulators often use a combination of positive reinforcement (rewards) and negative reinforcement (removing discomfort) to control their targets. They may start with subtle tactics and escalate to more overt forms of control over time.

3. Identify Your Vulnerabilities to Manipulation

Your buttons are showing.

Self-assessment: Evaluate your susceptibility to manipulation by considering these common vulnerabilities:

  • People-pleasing tendencies
  • Need for approval and acceptance
  • Fear of conflict or confrontation
  • Difficulty saying "no"
  • Unclear sense of personal identity
  • Low self-reliance
  • External locus of control

Impact of vulnerabilities: These traits can make you an easy target for manipulators. They may exploit your desire to be liked, your fear of rejection, or your tendency to put others' needs before your own. Recognizing these vulnerabilities is the first step towards protecting yourself from manipulation.

4. Develop Resistance Tactics to Counter Manipulation

The best way to stop a manipulator is simply to disable her tactics—make her manipulation ineffective because you stop complying with her demands, desires, requests, or subtle or even overt pressure.

Key resistance strategies:

  1. Buy time before responding to requests
  2. Use the "broken record" technique to repeat your position
  3. Desensitize yourself to anxiety, fear, and guilt
  4. Label the manipulation explicitly
  5. Disable the manipulation by stating it won't work
  6. Set clear terms for the relationship
  7. Learn to compromise and negotiate fairly

Implementation: Practice these tactics in low-stakes situations to build confidence. Remember, the goal is not to change the manipulator but to change your own responses to their tactics.

5. Learn to Set Boundaries and Assert Yourself

You must isolate and label these self-defeating emotions as precisely that—feelings, not facts.

Boundary-setting steps:

  1. Identify your personal limits and values
  2. Communicate your boundaries clearly and calmly
  3. Be prepared to enforce consequences
  4. Practice saying "no" without guilt

Assertiveness techniques:

  • Use "I" statements to express your feelings and needs
  • Maintain eye contact and confident body language
  • Avoid apologizing for your boundaries
  • Recognize your right to have and express your own opinions

Developing strong boundaries and assertiveness skills will not only protect you from manipulation but also improve the overall quality of your relationships.

6. Transform Yourself into a Hardened Target

By thinking like a hardened target, you will become one.

Cognitive restructuring: Replace soft-target thinking with hard-target beliefs:

  • Challenge people-pleasing thoughts
  • Correct approval addiction mindset
  • Reframe fears of conflict and confrontation
  • Strengthen your sense of identity
  • Improve self-reliance and decision-making skills
  • Develop an internal locus of control

Practical steps:

  1. Keep a thought journal to identify soft-target thinking
  2. Practice reframing negative thoughts
  3. Engage in activities that build self-esteem and independence
  4. Seek support from a therapist or trusted friend in this process

Remember, changing your thinking patterns takes time and effort, but it's a crucial step in becoming resistant to manipulation.

7. Maintain Healthy, Balanced Relationships

Healthy relationships are balanced and interdependent.

Characteristics of healthy relationships:

  • Mutual respect and trust
  • Open and honest communication
  • Balanced give-and-take
  • Support for individual growth and autonomy
  • Ability to resolve conflicts constructively

Strategies for relationship health:

  • Regularly assess the balance of power in your relationships
  • Practice active listening and empathy
  • Express appreciation and gratitude
  • Address issues promptly and directly
  • Maintain your own interests and friendships outside the relationship

By fostering these qualities in your relationships, you create an environment where manipulation is less likely to take root. Remember that healthy relationships require ongoing effort and commitment from all parties involved.

Last updated:

Review Summary

4.06 out of 5
Average of 500+ ratings from Goodreads and Amazon.

"Who's Pulling Your Strings?" received generally positive reviews, with readers praising its practical advice on identifying and dealing with manipulation. Many found it insightful and empowering, particularly for those in difficult relationships. Some critics noted repetitiveness and oversimplification of complex issues. The book's interactive approach and real-life examples were appreciated, though a few readers felt it lacked nuance in addressing power dynamics. Overall, most readers found value in its strategies for assertiveness and breaking manipulative cycles.

Your rating:

About the Author

Dr. Harriet Braiker was a renowned clinical psychologist and management consultant based in California for over 25 years. She authored numerous successful popular psychology books and scholarly publications, establishing herself as an international authority on stress and women's issues. Dr. Braiker's expertise was widely recognized in the media, with frequent appearances on national talk shows like Oprah and The Today Show. She contributed to various women's magazines as an editor and columnist. Her work combined academic rigor with practical insights, making her a sought-after public speaker and respected voice in the field of psychology and personal development.

Other books by Harriet B. Braiker

Download PDF

To save this Who's Pulling Your Strings? summary for later, download the free PDF. You can print it out, or read offline at your convenience.
Download PDF
File size: 0.20 MB     Pages: 9

Download EPUB

To read this Who's Pulling Your Strings? summary on your e-reader device or app, download the free EPUB. The .epub digital book format is ideal for reading ebooks on phones, tablets, and e-readers.
Download EPUB
File size: 2.95 MB     Pages: 6
0:00
-0:00
1x
Dan
Andrew
Michelle
Lauren
Select Speed
1.0×
+
200 words per minute
Create a free account to unlock:
Bookmarks – save your favorite books
History – revisit books later
Ratings – rate books & see your ratings
Unlock unlimited listening
Your first week's on us!
Today: Get Instant Access
Listen to full summaries of 73,530 books. That's 12,000+ hours of audio!
Day 4: Trial Reminder
We'll send you a notification that your trial is ending soon.
Day 7: Your subscription begins
You'll be charged on Dec 17,
cancel anytime before.
Compare Features Free Pro
Read full text summaries
Summaries are free to read for everyone
Listen to summaries
12,000+ hours of audio
Unlimited Bookmarks
Free users are limited to 10
Unlimited History
Free users are limited to 10
What our users say
30,000+ readers
“...I can 10x the number of books I can read...”
“...exceptionally accurate, engaging, and beautifully presented...”
“...better than any amazon review when I'm making a book-buying decision...”
Save 62%
Yearly
$119.88 $44.99/yr
$3.75/mo
Monthly
$9.99/mo
Try Free & Unlock
7 days free, then $44.99/year. Cancel anytime.
Settings
Appearance
Black Friday Sale 🎉
$20 off Lifetime Access
$79.99 $59.99
Upgrade Now →