The Emotional Incest Syndrome

1. Emotional incest: When parents turn to children for emotional support

To the casual observer, the parents may appear loving and devoted. They may spend a great deal of time with their children and lavish them with praise and material gifts. But in the final analysis, their love is not a nurturing, giving love—it's an unconscious ploy to satisfy their own unmet needs.

Definition and prevalence: Emotional incest, also known as covert incest, occurs when a parent relies on a child for emotional support that should come from an adult partner. This phenomenon is surprisingly common, especially in single-parent households, stepfamilies, and families affected by substance abuse or mental illness.

Causes and manifestations: Parents may turn to their children due to:

• Lack of a fulfilling adult relationship
• Unmet emotional needs
• Poor boundaries
• Limited understanding of healthy family dynamics

Manifestations include:

• Excessive praise and attention
• Sharing adult problems with the child
• Treating the child as a confidant or "best friend"
• Jealousy of the child's relationships outside the family

2. Signs and consequences of being a "Chosen Child"

Being a parent's primary source of support is a heavy burden for young children. Forced to suppress their own needs, they struggle to satisfy the needs of the adults.

Emotional impact: The Chosen Child often experiences:

• Guilt and anxiety
• Fluctuating self-esteem
• Identity problems
• Difficulty with intimacy in adult relationships

Long-term consequences: As adults, victims of emotional incest may struggle with:

• Depression and chronic anxiety
• Perfectionism and compulsive achievement
• Difficulty setting boundaries
• Substance abuse or eating disorders
• Sexual dysfunction
• Challenges in forming healthy romantic relationships

3. Family dynamics in emotionally enmeshed households

When there is a high degree of enmeshment—as in Gwen's case—it merits a special term: emotional incest. These are strong words, I know, but I use them advisedly. Just as children are powerless against a parent's sexual advances, they are powerless against an emotionally Invasive Parent.

Roles and relationships: In enmeshed families, typical roles include:

• The Invasive Parent: Relies on the child for emotional support
• The Chosen Child: Becomes the parent's confidant and source of comfort
• The Left-Out Spouse: Feels neglected and may withdraw or become resentful
• The Left-Out Child: May feel rejected and develop behavioral problems
• The Shadow Parent: Passive and uninvolved in family dynamics

Impact on family system: Emotional incest creates:

• Blurred boundaries between family members
• Intense sibling rivalry
• Marital discord
• Dysfunction that can persist across generations

4. Breaking the cycle: Recognizing and healing from emotional incest

What I eventually realized was that my mother's excessive involvement with me, coupled with my father's passivity, was the source of my numerous emotional problems.

Self-awareness: Recognizing the signs of emotional incest is the first step toward healing. This may involve:

• Examining childhood memories and family dynamics
• Identifying patterns in current relationships
• Acknowledging feelings of guilt, anxiety, or resentment

Healing process: Recovery often includes:

• Therapy or counseling to process emotions and develop coping strategies
• Setting boundaries with family members
• Developing a strong support network outside the family
• Practicing self-care and self-compassion
• Redefining relationships with parents and siblings

5. Establishing healthy boundaries in relationships

When you make a statement like one of the above, you may need to reassure your mother or father that you are simply eliminating one undesirable form of interaction, not cutting off contact altogether.

Understanding boundaries: Healthy boundaries are crucial for maintaining balanced relationships. They involve:

• Recognizing where you end and others begin
• Communicating your needs and limits clearly
• Respecting others' boundaries

Setting and maintaining boundaries: Strategies include:

• Using "I" statements to express your needs
• Practicing saying "no" without guilt
• Identifying and addressing boundary violations promptly
• Seeking support from friends or professionals when needed

6. Strengthening marriage and adult support networks

In addition to a change in perception such as the one Mandy experienced, there are more direct ways to deepen the level of trust and intimacy in your marriage.

Improving marital relationships: Key strategies include:

• Prioritizing time together without children or other family members
• Practicing active listening and effective communication
• Resolving conflicts through compromise and mutual understanding
• Maintaining individual identities while nurturing the relationship

Building a support network: Developing strong adult relationships involves:

• Cultivating friendships outside the family
• Joining support groups or community organizations
• Maintaining appropriate boundaries in work relationships
• Balancing giving and receiving support

7. Parenting strategies to avoid emotional enmeshment

The most important thing you can do is to strengthen your support network. This recommendation is both cure and preventive medicine: a strong support network will help those of you who are just starting a family establish a healthy pattern of interaction, and it will help those of you with older children correct any ongoing enmeshment.

Healthy parenting practices: To avoid emotional incest, parents should:

• Share personal information with children only when it's in the child's best interest
• Keep marital problems private
• Turn to other adults for emotional support
• Encourage children's independence and unique qualities
• Set appropriate limits and boundaries
• Make adult relationships a priority

Correcting enmeshment: If enmeshment has occurred, parents can:

• Acknowledge past mistakes
• Reassure children of their love while setting new boundaries
• Encourage children to develop relationships outside the family
• Seek family therapy if needed

8. Self-reflection and personal growth for victims of emotional incest

Once her eyes were open, Vicki began to see how the politics at work had replicated the politics in her family. As a young child she had successfully competed with three older sisters for her father's attention. At work, she had triumphed over three female co-workers.

Self-awareness: Victims of emotional incest can benefit from:

• Examining patterns in their relationships
• Identifying unmet childhood needs
• Recognizing how past experiences influence current behavior

Personal growth: Strategies for healing and growth include:

• Developing self-compassion and self-care practices
• Learning to identify and express emotions healthily
• Challenging negative self-talk and beliefs
• Exploring new interests and developing a sense of self separate from family roles
• Seeking professional help when needed to process trauma and develop coping skills

By understanding the dynamics of emotional incest and implementing these strategies, individuals can break the cycle of enmeshment and build healthier, more fulfilling relationships in all aspects of their lives.

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Last updated: October 17, 2024