The Journey from Abandonment to Healing

1. Abandonment is a universal human experience with profound emotional impact

Abandonment is our first fear. It is a primal fear—a fear universal to the human experience.

Primal human fear. Abandonment taps into our deepest insecurities and fears, dating back to infancy when separation from caregivers threatened survival. This fear is hardwired into our brains, making abandonment one of the most painful emotional experiences.

Universal experience. Abandonment affects people across all ages, cultures, and backgrounds. It can stem from various situations, including:

• Romantic breakups
• Death of a loved one
• Childhood neglect or abuse
• Job loss
• Betrayal by friends

Profound impact. The effects of abandonment can be far-reaching, influencing:

• Self-esteem and self-worth
• Future relationships and trust
• Mental health (anxiety, depression)
• Physical health (stress-related illnesses)

2. The five stages of abandonment: Shattering, Withdrawal, Internalizing, Rage, and Lifting

Abandonment is a psychobiological process.

Recognizable pattern. Like the stages of grief, abandonment follows a predictable sequence of emotional responses. Understanding these stages helps individuals navigate their healing journey and recognize that their feelings are normal and temporary.

The five stages of abandonment:

1. Shattering: Initial shock and devastation
2. Withdrawal: Intense yearning and craving
3. Internalizing: Self-blame and negative self-image
4. Rage: Anger and frustration
5. Lifting: Gradual recovery and hope

Psychobiological process. Each stage involves distinct neurochemical and hormonal changes in the body, affecting mood, behavior, and physical well-being. Recognizing the biological basis of these reactions can help individuals be more compassionate towards themselves during the healing process.

3. Shattering: The initial shock and devastation of abandonment

Shattering is a tear in the dense tissues of human attachment.

Emotional tsunami. The shattering stage is characterized by overwhelming emotions and physical symptoms:

• Shock and disbelief
• Intense pain and anxiety
• Difficulty concentrating
• Sleep disturbances
• Loss of appetite

Survival mode. During shattering, the body's stress response is activated, releasing hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. This "fight or flight" state can lead to:

• Hypervigilance
• Panic attacks
• Emotional numbness

Coping strategies. To navigate the shattering stage:

• Practice mindfulness and grounding techniques
• Seek support from friends, family, or professionals
• Allow yourself to feel and express emotions
• Focus on self-care and basic needs

4. Withdrawal: Intense craving and yearning for the lost relationship

Love withdrawal is just like heroin withdrawal, involving intense craving and agitation for the love you are missing.

Biochemical addiction. Romantic relationships stimulate the brain's reward system, releasing feel-good chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin. When a relationship ends, the brain experiences withdrawal symptoms similar to drug addiction:

• Intense cravings for the lost partner
• Obsessive thoughts and memories
• Physical pain and discomfort
• Mood swings and irritability

Coping with withdrawal. Strategies to manage this difficult stage include:

• Engaging in physical exercise to boost endorphins
• Practicing self-compassion and patience
• Establishing a support network
• Avoiding unhealthy coping mechanisms (e.g., substance abuse)

Time and healing. Like drug withdrawal, love withdrawal symptoms gradually subside with time. Recognizing this can provide hope and perspective during the most challenging moments.

5. Internalizing: Incorporating rejection into self-image and beliefs

Internalizing the rejection is how your body incorporates the wound of abandonment. You have taken it to heart.

Self-blame cycle. During the internalizing stage, individuals often:

• Question their self-worth
• Blame themselves for the abandonment
• Idealize their former partner
• Struggle with shame and inadequacy

Negative self-talk. Common internalized beliefs include:

• "I'm not good enough"
• "I'll always be alone"
• "I don't deserve love"

Breaking the cycle. To overcome negative internalization:

• Challenge negative self-talk with evidence-based thinking
• Practice self-compassion and forgiveness
• Seek therapy or counseling to address deeper issues
• Focus on personal growth and self-improvement

6. Rage: Redirecting anger and frustration towards healing

Rage is a protest against pain. It is how we fight back, a refusal to be victimized by someone leaving us, the way we reverse the rejection.

Healthy anger. Rage can be a positive force when channeled constructively:

• It signifies a shift from self-blame to self-advocacy
• Provides energy for change and personal growth
• Helps establish healthy boundaries

Destructive rage. Uncontrolled anger can lead to:

• Lashing out at others
• Self-destructive behaviors
• Prolonging the healing process

Harnessing rage. Productive ways to express and utilize anger:

• Engage in physical activities (e.g., boxing, running)
• Journal or create art to express emotions
• Advocate for oneself in relationships and work
• Use anger as motivation for positive life changes

7. Lifting: Emerging from grief and rediscovering hope

Lifting is a time of hope. It is spontaneous remission.

Signs of lifting:

• Decreased intensity of pain and grief
• Renewed interest in life and activities
• Improved mood and energy levels
• Ability to imagine a positive future

Rebuilding and growth. The lifting stage offers opportunities for:

• Self-discovery and personal development
• Establishing new goals and dreams
• Forming healthier relationships
• Increased emotional resilience

Nurturing lifting. To support and sustain the lifting process:

• Engage in activities that bring joy and fulfillment
• Cultivate a gratitude practice
• Set and work towards new personal goals
• Gradually open yourself to new relationships and experiences

8. Overcoming abandonment requires nurturing your inner child

Little can look directly to your adult self for reassurance and unconditional love, without taking the rap for Outer's behavior.

Inner child concept. The "inner child" represents our emotional core, often carrying unresolved pain from childhood experiences. Nurturing this aspect of ourselves is crucial for healing from abandonment.

Self-parenting techniques:

• Practice self-compassion and positive self-talk
• Engage in comforting activities and self-care
• Address unmet childhood needs through adult resources
• Visualize comforting and protecting your younger self

Dialogue with inner child. Developing an internal dialogue between your adult self and inner child can:

• Increase emotional awareness
• Provide comfort and reassurance
• Help process and heal past wounds
• Guide decision-making in alignment with core needs and values

9. Identifying and managing your "outer child" behaviors

Outer Child is the selfish, controlling, narcissistic, self-centered part of all of us.

Outer child defined. The "outer child" represents impulsive, self-sabotaging behaviors that stem from unresolved abandonment wounds. These behaviors often conflict with our adult goals and values.

Common outer child behaviors:

• Procrastination and avoidance
• Impulsive decision-making
• Self-destructive habits (e.g., overeating, overspending)
• Relationship sabotage

Taming the outer child. Strategies for managing outer child behaviors:

• Increase awareness of triggers and patterns
• Develop a strong, nurturing adult self to set boundaries
• Practice delayed gratification and impulse control
• Address underlying emotional needs in healthy ways

10. Increasing capacity for love and forming healthy relationships

Abandonment recovery is dedicated to all of those who struggle to sustain relationships, abandonees and abandoners alike.

Healing for connection. Overcoming abandonment fears allows for deeper, more fulfilling relationships by:

• Increasing emotional availability and vulnerability
• Developing healthier attachment styles
• Improving communication and boundary-setting skills
• Fostering greater empathy and understanding

Self-love foundation. Building a strong relationship with oneself is crucial for forming healthy connections with others:

• Cultivate self-acceptance and self-compassion
• Develop a clear sense of personal values and needs
• Practice self-care and emotional regulation

Choosing wisely. Healing from abandonment enables individuals to:

• Recognize red flags in potential partners
• Avoid repeating destructive relationship patterns
• Attract and maintain healthier, more supportive relationships

Last updated: March 22, 2025