The Masculine in Relationship

1. Masculine Leadership: A Blueprint for Trust, Lust, and Devotion

The old Masculine was about control; the new Masculine is about leadership.

Redefining Masculinity. The book challenges traditional notions of masculinity, advocating for a model based on leadership, clarity, and service rather than control or dominance. This new masculinity seeks to inspire trust, lust, and devotion in a strong woman by embodying groundedness and direction. It's not about being an "Alpha Dog" or a "nice guy," but about providing a framework for a fulfilling relationship.

The core problem. Many men find themselves in flat, contentious, or toxic relationships, often without understanding why. The author posits that a primary cause is the absence of Masculine leadership, leaving women feeling unloved and unled. This can manifest in various ways, such as nagging, irritability, and a lack of sexual interest.

The solution. The book offers a blueprint for men to reclaim their Masculine core and lead their relationships effectively. This involves developing specific skills and principles that foster trust, create safety, and inspire devotion. The blueprint is not a quick fix but a long-term commitment to personal growth and relationship leadership.

2. The Emasculated Relationship: Recognizing the Warning Signs

If you think she needs to change in order for things to get better, you’ll be waiting a long time.

Identifying the decline. The book outlines several warning signs that indicate a relationship is suffering from a lack of Masculine leadership. These include increased nagging, irritability, decreased sexual interest, and a general flatness in the relationship. Men may find themselves scrambling to please their partners, holding back their truth, and preferring work or other distractions over spending time with their wives.

The root cause. These behaviors are often symptoms of a deeper issue: the man's abdication of his Masculine role. Instead of leading from a place of wisdom and groundedness, he spends his time chasing after his partner, trying to please her. This creates a dynamic where the woman feels she has to take charge, leading to resentment and a further decline in the relationship.

Taking responsibility. The author emphasizes that waiting for the woman to change is futile. The key to transforming the relationship lies in the man's willingness to restore his Masculine core and lead the relationship. This involves taking responsibility for the situation and actively working to create a more connected and fulfilling partnership.

3. Navigating Gender Equality: Embracing Masculine Leadership Without Domination

Masculine leadership does NOT equal misogyny.

The challenge of equality. The book acknowledges the increasing gender neutrality in modern society and the challenges this presents for men seeking to embody Masculine leadership. The fear of being labeled misogynistic or domineering can lead to tentativeness and a reluctance to assert themselves. However, the author argues that Masculine leadership and gender equality can coexist.

Redefining the Masculine. The blueprint offered in the book is not based on control or compulsion but on clarity, leadership, and service. It involves offering a lead as an invitation, allowing the woman to choose whether she wants to accept it. This approach respects women's power and autonomy while still providing the direction and structure they often crave.

The benefits of Polarity. When men embrace their Masculine energy and provide leadership, it induces women to relax into their Feminine state. This creates Polarity, which is essential for a juicy and fulfilling relationship. It's not about returning to a past of gender inequity but about celebrating the differences between Masculine and Feminine energies in a way that honors both partners.

4. Induction: Leading Her Back to Her Feminine Core

When you start living from your Masculine core, your way of being will naturally induce her to relax into her Feminine.

The power of influence. The book emphasizes that a man's behavior strongly influences his partner's state of being. When a man embodies his Masculine core, it naturally induces his woman to relax into her Feminine energy. This happens without her consciously trying or even realizing it.

What she craves. Women want their men to step up and take charge, stay strong in the face of their emotions, and be their own men. These qualities induce them to relax and open up. It's not about control but about providing a safe and supportive space for them to be themselves.

Overcoming resistance. Strong women may resist a man's leadership, especially if he has chronically abdicated the lead in the past. In these cases, it's important to be patient and strategic. Instead of a "frontal assault," lead her back into a more relaxed state by addressing her needs and creating a stronger connection.

5. The Masculine Blueprint: Respond, Structure, and Safety

“Being Masculine” need not be an esoteric concept. Just measure your way of being against these three reasonably objective elements.

Three core elements. The book presents a three-part framework for developing a Masculine core:

• Respond vs. React: Choosing conscious responses over unconscious reactions.
• Provide Structure: Reducing uncertainty and simplifying decisions.
• Create Safety: Ensuring physical, financial, and emotional security.

Respond vs. React. This element involves cultivating the ability to pause between stimulus and response, allowing for conscious choice rather than unconscious reaction. It requires training the nervous system to handle intensity and anxiety.

Provide Structure. This element involves being an organizing force, providing clarity and direction to minimize uncertainty and the burden of decision-making. It's about setting direction and creating structure in which others can exercise their free will.

Create Safety. This element involves doing what it takes to make a woman feel physically, financially, and emotionally safe. It's about being a Provider, Protector, and emotional anchor.

6. The Feminine Essence: Radiance, Connection, and the Craving for Leadership

The Feminine comes out when she feels loved and led by you.

Qualities of the Feminine. The book describes the Feminine as light, beauty, surrender, change, movement, heart-based, nurturing, and expressive. It's about connection, responsiveness, and raw emotion.

The desire for leadership. Despite their strength and independence, many women crave some degree of Masculine leadership from their men. They want to feel loved and led, to relax into their Feminine energy. This doesn't negate their ability to lead their own lives but rather fulfills a deep-seated desire for Polarity.

The paradox of equality. Women want to be powerful and self-sufficient, yet they also crave Masculine leadership. This can feel like a paradox, but it's not. Strong women can still enjoy the sexy dance between the Masculine and the Feminine.

7. Polarity: The Dance Between Masculine and Feminine Energies

The love may still be strong, the friendship may still be strong, but the sexual polarity fades, unless in moments of intimacy one partner is willing to play the masculine pole and one partner is willing to play the feminine pole.

The essence of Polarity. Polarity is the dance between the Masculine and the Feminine. It's the magic that happens when the two poles meet. It's about one person embodying the energy of groundedness and direction, and the other embodying the energy of responsiveness and connection.

The need for difference. Polarity requires difference. When both partners are in the Masculine, there is no Polarity. And if there is no Polarity, there is no juice in the relationship. That's where problems start.

Creating Polarity. To create Polarity, men need to step into their Masculine power and offer their lead. Women need to choose whether to accept it. It's a dance of invitation and acceptance, of strength and surrender.

8. Threat and Anxiety: The Root of Non-Masculine Behaviors

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

The role of threat. A sense of threat is at the root of all non-Masculine behaviors. These behaviors are just the body-mind's way of bleeding off or avoiding the unpleasant energy of anxiety that arises in this state.

Early wounding. This sense of threat often stems from early childhood wounding, from "Disconnection Events" that imprint fear onto children's susceptible nervous systems. These events can lead to a belief that others' displeasure will inevitably lead to rejection and abandonment.

Overcoming anxiety. The key to restoring a Masculine core is to understand and tame anxiety. This involves training the nervous system to cope with threat and anxiety, allowing for conscious choice rather than unconscious reaction.

9. Emotional Mastery: Owning Your Feelings, Leading with Heart

The Masculine leader invites.

The importance of emotional awareness. Masculine leadership requires knowing your own emotions. If you don't, they will control you. Your suppression of them will prevent real connection with your woman.

The value of vulnerability. Sharing your emotions is not about vomiting all of your feelings and fears onto your intimate partner. It is simply self-knowledge, judiciously revealed when it serves to create more closeness with others.

The power of expression. Expressing your emotions, especially anger, can be a powerful way to set boundaries and protect what's important to you. However, it's important to express anger skillfully, without blame or aggression.

10. Embodiment: Grounding Yourself in the Physical

You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.

The tyranny of the mind. Modern life often traps us in our thinking minds, disconnecting us from our bodies and our instincts. This can lead to reactivity and a loss of Masculine power.

The power of embodiment. Embodiment involves waking up the somatic sensations in your body, allowing you to break free from the tyranny of the thinking mind. It's about training your nervous system to handle intensity and anxiety.

Embodiment practices. The book recommends a variety of embodiment practices, including meditation, breathwork, intensity expanders, and movement. These practices help you get out of your head and into your body, increasing your capacity for presence and groundedness.

11. Desire and Direction: Leading with Clarity and Conviction

Women find it sexy when a man knows what he wants.

The power of desire. Women find it sexy when a man knows what he wants. The clarity feels very Masculine to them and is a foundational piece of the blueprint.

The trap of pleasing. It's common for men to fall into the rut of going along with whatever their woman wants, in the mistaken belief that this is the easiest path to her happiness. However, this often has the opposite effect.

Cultivating desire. To lead effectively, you need to be in touch with your own needs and desires. This involves developing well-defined opinions, setting boundaries, and pursuing your goals with conviction.

12. Sexual Leadership: Igniting Her Passion, Creating Intimacy

A woman can’t follow where a man doesn’t lead.

The importance of sexual leadership. Men who don't bring their Masculine leadership will find their woman becoming increasingly irritable, closed, and challenging over time. This is most true in the sexual domain, where your woman absolutely wants you to lead her into her pleasure.

Creating a safe container. To open your woman up sexually, you need to create a safe container. This involves managing the timing, environment, and heart connection. It also involves owning your sexuality and being attuned to her needs.

Warming her up. Women warm up more slowly than men. It's important to take your time and use techniques like foreplay throughout the day, slow body movements, and sensual touch to bring her into a state of arousal.

Last updated: April 9, 2025