Key Takeaways
1. Love Isn't Enough: Build on More Than Just Feelings
That being in love is not an adequate foundation for building a successful marriage.
Beyond the "Tingles." The initial euphoria of being in love, those warm, bubbly, tingly feelings, are important but fleeting. They are not a solid foundation for a lasting marriage. Many couples rush into marriage based solely on these intense emotions, only to find themselves struggling when the "tingles" fade.
Prepare for Reality. Couples need to explore deeper compatibility in areas like intellectual dialogue, emotional control, social interests, spiritual unity, and common values. Dating should be a time to examine these foundations, not just bask in romantic feelings. The appendix of the book provides questions to assist in discussing these foundations.
Lasting Love Requires More. The "in love" obsession typically lasts about two years. After that, couples must rely on more substantial factors to maintain a happy marriage. Social, spiritual, and intellectual interests, value systems, and goals become increasingly important.
2. Romantic Love Evolves: Transition to Intentional Love
The second stage of romantic love is much more intentional than the first stage.
Two Stages of Love. Romantic love has two distinct stages. The first is the effortless "being in love" phase, fueled by euphoric feelings. The second stage requires intentional effort to keep emotional love alive. Many couples struggle because they don't realize this transition is necessary.
The Five Love Languages. People express and receive love in different ways. Discovering each other's primary love language is crucial for maintaining emotional connection. The five love languages are:
- Words of Affirmation
- Acts of Service
- Receiving Gifts
- Quality Time
- Physical Touch
Speak Their Language. Learning to speak your partner's love language, even if it's different from your own, is essential for keeping emotional love alive. This intentional effort strengthens the relationship and helps couples navigate the transition from the initial euphoric stage to a deeper, more lasting love.
3. Parental Patterns: Recognize and Choose Your Legacy
“Like mother, like daughter” and “Like father, like son” is not a myth.
Influence of Family. Individuals are greatly influenced by their parents, both positively and negatively. Destructive lifestyles or communication patterns can be passed down unless consciously addressed. Abusive men were almost always abused as children.
Breaking the Cycle. It's possible to learn from poor examples and change behavior. However, this requires specific steps to understand the patterns and actively work to break them. Ignoring these issues is a recipe for repeating them.
Observe and Discuss. Couples should spend time with each other's parents to observe their behavior and communication patterns. Discuss any troubling observations openly and honestly. Take steps to ensure that negative patterns are not repeated in your own relationship.
4. Conflict is Inevitable: Learn to Resolve Respectfully
How to solve disagreements without arguing.
Accept Conflict as Normal. Conflicts are a normal part of every marriage, arising from individual differences in desires, likes, dislikes, and perspectives. Conflicts are not a sign that you have married the wrong person. The key is to learn how to process conflicts in a healthy manner.
Listening is Key. Talking without listening leads to arguments. Requesting a "listening time" can create a more positive atmosphere for resolving conflicts. Each partner shares their perspective while the other listens and tries to understand, asking clarifying questions.
Compromise and Solutions. After understanding each other's perspectives, look for solutions through compromise. Three approaches to resolving conflicts:
- Meeting in the middle: Finding a compromise that incorporates elements of both desires.
- Meeting on your side: One partner chooses to do what the other desires as an act of love.
- Meeting later: Agreeing to disagree for the moment and revisiting the issue later.
5. Apologizing is Strength: Speak the Right Language
That apologizing is a sign of strength.
Apology is Essential. There are no healthy marriages without apology and forgiveness. Unloving words and actions create emotional barriers that must be removed through sincere apologies and genuine forgiveness.
The Five Apology Languages. People perceive apologies differently. The five apology languages are:
- Expressing Regret
- Accepting Responsibility
- Making Restitution
- Genuinely Expressing the Desire to Change Your Behavior
- Requesting Forgiveness
Learn Your Partner's Language. To apologize effectively, you must learn to speak your partner's primary apology language. This communicates sincerity and makes forgiveness much easier. What one person considers to be an apology is not what another person considers to be an apology.
6. Forgiveness is a Decision: Release, Don't Erase
That forgiveness is not a feeling.
Forgiveness is a Choice. Forgiveness is not a feeling but a decision to offer grace instead of demanding justice. It removes the emotional barrier created by wrongdoing and opens the possibility for the relationship to grow.
What Forgiveness Isn't. Forgiveness does not:
- Destroy our memory
- Remove all the consequences of wrongdoing
- Automatically rebuild trust
- Always result in reconciliation
The Path to Healing. Forgiveness is the only healthy response to an apology. If we choose not to forgive, the barrier remains and the relationship is estranged. Forgiveness opens the door to the possibility of growth and reconciliation.
7. Household Harmony: Discuss and Divide Responsibilities
That toilets are not self-cleaning.
Marital Roles Matter. Confusion over household responsibilities is a major source of stress in contemporary marriages. Couples need to discuss and agree upon who will do what after they get married.
Factors to Consider. Several factors influence perceptions of marital roles:
- Parental models
- Personal philosophy about maleness and femaleness
- Individual skills and abilities
- Personal likes and dislikes
Practical Exercise. Make a list of all household tasks and responsibilities. Individually, assign initials to the tasks you think will be your responsibility. Then, discuss and negotiate any disagreements to reach a mutual agreement.
8. Financial Unity: Plan Together, Spend Wisely
That we needed a plan for handling our money.
"Our Money," Not "My Money." The first step in developing a financial plan is to agree that after marriage, it will no longer be "my money" and "your money" but "our money." This fosters unity and teamwork in financial decisions.
The 10-10-80 Plan. A simple plan for money management:
- Save and invest 10% of net income
- Give away 10% of net income
- Spend the remaining 80% on necessities and desires
Avoid Credit Traps. Discuss credit buying and agree on guidelines for using credit cards. Avoid impulse buying and prioritize saving for purchases. Agree that neither will make a major purchase without consulting the other.
9. Sexual Fulfillment: Communicate and Connect Deeply
That mutual sexual fulfillment is not automatic.
Beyond Physical Attraction. Mutual sexual fulfillment is not automatic. It requires understanding and communication. Men focus on intercourse, women focus on relationship.
Key Considerations. Factors influencing sexual fulfillment:
- Women need a loving relationship
- Foreplay is more important than intercourse
- Mutual satisfaction, not simultaneous climax, is the goal
- Sex is more than intercourse
- Communication is key
Address the Past. Deal with past sexual experiences before marriage. Unresolved issues can create psychological barriers to sexual unity. Read books on marital sex together.
10. In-Law Integration: Build Positive Family Relationships
That I was marrying into a family.
Extended Family Matters. When you marry, you become part of an extended family. These relationships may be distant or close, positive or negative, but they will exist.
Key Issues to Navigate. Common areas of conflict with in-laws:
- Holidays
- Traditions
- Expectations
- Patterns of behavior
- Religious beliefs
Listen and Negotiate. Build positive relationships by listening empathetically and negotiating differences respectfully. Learn their love language and speak it regularly.
11. Spiritual Compatibility: Share Core Beliefs and Values
That spirituality is not to be equated with “going to church.”
More Than Just Attendance. Spirituality is often the last thing to be discussed in a dating relationship. Divergent spiritual views can cause marital conflict.
Fundamental Questions. Explore core beliefs about God:
- Is there a God who created the universe?
- Has that God spoken?
- What has He said, and how have I responded?
Level of Commitment. Discover each other's level of commitment and involvement in the Christian community. How important is their faith to them? What kind of impact does it have on their personal life?
12. Personality Matters: Understand and Accept Differences
That personality profoundly influences behavior.
Unique Personalities. Personality differences profoundly influence behavior. Understanding these differences is essential for a successful marriage.
Common Personality Clashes. Examples of personality differences:
- Morning person vs. night person
- Optimist vs. pessimist
- Neatnik vs. slob
- Dead Sea vs. babbling brook
- Passive vs. aggressive
- Professor vs. dancer
- Organizer vs. free spirit
Accept and Negotiate. Acknowledge and accept personality differences. Negotiate solutions that honor each other's needs and preferences. Use personality profiles to gain deeper understanding.
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FAQ
What is "Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married" by Gary Chapman about?
- Premarital Preparation Guide: The book is a practical guide for individuals and couples considering marriage, focusing on the essential knowledge and skills needed for a successful marriage.
- Lessons from Experience: Gary Chapman shares personal stories and insights from decades of counseling, highlighting common pitfalls and misunderstandings that couples face.
- Beyond Wedding Planning: The book emphasizes preparing for marriage itself, not just the wedding day, covering topics like communication, conflict resolution, finances, and family dynamics.
- Christian Perspective: While rooted in Christian values, the advice is broadly applicable, focusing on universal principles for building a healthy, lasting relationship.
Why should I read "Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married" by Gary Chapman?
- Avoid Common Mistakes: The book helps readers avoid the most frequent and painful mistakes couples make by learning from others’ experiences.
- Build a Strong Foundation: It provides actionable advice for building a marriage on more than just romantic feelings, addressing practical and emotional aspects.
- Improve Relationship Skills: Readers gain tools for communication, conflict resolution, and understanding differences, which are crucial for marital success.
- Applicable for All Stages: Whether single, dating, or engaged, the book offers valuable insights for anyone considering marriage or wanting to strengthen their relationship.
What are the key takeaways from "Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married"?
- Love Is Not Enough: Being "in love" is not a sufficient foundation for marriage; practical skills and compatibility matter greatly.
- Two Stages of Love: Romantic love has an initial euphoric stage and a second, more intentional stage that requires effort and understanding of each other's love language.
- Family and Personality Influence: Our upbringing and personalities profoundly affect marital expectations and behaviors, often unconsciously.
- Preparation and Communication: Open discussions about roles, finances, sex, spirituality, and family are essential before marriage to prevent future conflicts.
What are the most important concepts and advice in "Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married"?
- The Five Love Languages: Understanding and speaking your partner’s primary love language is key to maintaining emotional intimacy.
- Conflict Resolution: Learning to solve disagreements without arguing, through listening, compromise, and negotiation, is vital.
- Apology and Forgiveness: Healthy marriages require sincere apologies and genuine forgiveness, which are skills that can be learned and practiced.
- Practical Planning: Discussing and agreeing on roles, finances, and expectations before marriage can prevent many common sources of marital stress.
How does Gary Chapman define and address the idea that "being in love is not an adequate foundation for marriage"?
- Temporary Euphoria: Chapman explains that the "in love" feeling is an emotional and obsessive experience that typically lasts about two years.
- Need for Compatibility: He stresses the importance of exploring intellectual, emotional, social, spiritual, and value-based compatibility beyond romantic attraction.
- Preparation Over Passion: The book advocates for intentional preparation and learning relationship skills, rather than relying on feelings alone.
- Realistic Expectations: Chapman encourages couples to recognize that differences and conflicts are normal and must be addressed proactively.
What are the "two stages of romantic love" described in "Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married"?
- Stage One – Euphoria: The first stage is characterized by intense, effortless feelings of being "in love," where partners overlook differences and are driven by emotion.
- Stage Two – Intentional Love: The second stage requires conscious effort to express love in ways meaningful to your partner, often through learning their love language.
- Transition Is Critical: Chapman emphasizes that making the transition from stage one to stage two is essential for lasting marital satisfaction.
- Love Languages as Tools: Understanding and applying the five love languages helps couples maintain emotional connection in the second stage.
What are the Five Love Languages, and why are they important in "Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married"?
- Words of Affirmation: Using verbal expressions to affirm and appreciate your partner.
- Acts of Service: Showing love through helpful actions and support.
- Receiving Gifts: Giving thoughtful gifts that show you were thinking of your partner.
- Quality Time: Spending undistracted, meaningful time together.
- Physical Touch: Expressing love through appropriate physical contact.
- Importance: Identifying and speaking your partner’s primary love language is crucial for keeping love alive after the initial euphoria fades.
How does "Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married" address conflict resolution and disagreements?
- Conflicts Are Normal: Chapman normalizes disagreements in marriage, emphasizing that they are not a sign of marrying the wrong person.
- Listening First: He advocates for "listening times" where each partner fully hears and affirms the other's perspective before seeking solutions.
- Three Solutions: The book outlines three ways to resolve conflicts: meeting in the middle (compromise), meeting on your partner’s side (sacrifice), and meeting later (agreeing to disagree for now).
- Respect and Teamwork: The focus is on mutual respect, understanding, and finding win-win solutions rather than winning arguments.
What does Gary Chapman say about the influence of family background and personality in marriage?
- Parental Influence: Chapman asserts that "like mother, like daughter" and "like father, like son" is not a myth; family patterns often repeat unless consciously addressed.
- Personality Differences: He highlights the profound impact of personality traits (e.g., morning vs. night person, optimist vs. pessimist) on marital dynamics.
- Open Discussion Needed: Couples are encouraged to observe, discuss, and negotiate differences in family models and personality before marriage.
- Change Is Possible: While family and personality shape us, intentional learning and adaptation can break negative cycles.
How does "Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married" advise couples to handle practical issues like finances, roles, and sex?
- Financial Planning: Chapman recommends creating a joint financial plan, including saving, giving, and spending, and being transparent about debts and assets.
- Role Negotiation: He urges couples to discuss and agree on household responsibilities, considering skills, preferences, and family models.
- Sexual Fulfillment: The book dispels myths about automatic sexual satisfaction, emphasizing communication, understanding differences, and addressing past experiences.
- Ongoing Communication: Regular, honest conversations about these practical matters are essential for marital harmony.
What does Gary Chapman teach about apology and forgiveness in marriage?
- Apology as Strength: Apologizing is a sign of strength, not weakness, and is essential for healing relational wounds.
- Five Apology Languages: Just as with love, people have different ways they prefer to give and receive apologies (expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution, expressing desire to change, requesting forgiveness).
- Forgiveness Is a Choice: Forgiveness is not a feeling but a decision to offer grace and remove barriers, even if trust and feelings take time to rebuild.
- Restoring Relationships: Apology and forgiveness are necessary for overcoming inevitable hurts and maintaining a healthy marriage.
What are the best quotes from "Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married" and what do they mean?
- "Being in love is not an adequate foundation for building a successful marriage." – Highlights the need for more than feelings; practical skills and compatibility are essential.
- "The average life span of the 'in love' obsession is two years." – Reminds readers that the initial euphoria fades, and lasting love requires effort.
- "There are no healthy marriages without apology and forgiveness." – Stresses the importance of humility and grace in resolving conflicts.
- "If you cannot negotiate these differences before marriage, they will greatly inhibit your ability to develop marital unity." – Encourages proactive discussion and agreement on key issues before marriage.
- "You must make time to discover and practice the proven marital guidelines that make such a marriage possible." – Emphasizes intentional preparation and learning as the path to marital success.
Review Summary
Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married receives mixed reviews. Many readers find it practical and insightful, offering valuable advice for couples considering marriage. The book covers topics like communication, finances, and expectations. However, some criticize its heteronormative and traditional viewpoints. Readers appreciate Chapman's emphasis on discussing important issues before marriage, but some find the content outdated or too religiously focused. Overall, it's recommended for young couples but may be less relevant for older or non-traditional relationships.
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