Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married

1. Love Isn't Enough: Build on More Than Just Feelings

That being in love is not an adequate foundation for building a successful marriage.

Beyond the "Tingles." The initial euphoria of being in love, those warm, bubbly, tingly feelings, are important but fleeting. They are not a solid foundation for a lasting marriage. Many couples rush into marriage based solely on these intense emotions, only to find themselves struggling when the "tingles" fade.

Prepare for Reality. Couples need to explore deeper compatibility in areas like intellectual dialogue, emotional control, social interests, spiritual unity, and common values. Dating should be a time to examine these foundations, not just bask in romantic feelings. The appendix of the book provides questions to assist in discussing these foundations.

Lasting Love Requires More. The "in love" obsession typically lasts about two years. After that, couples must rely on more substantial factors to maintain a happy marriage. Social, spiritual, and intellectual interests, value systems, and goals become increasingly important.

2. Romantic Love Evolves: Transition to Intentional Love

The second stage of romantic love is much more intentional than the first stage.

Two Stages of Love. Romantic love has two distinct stages. The first is the effortless "being in love" phase, fueled by euphoric feelings. The second stage requires intentional effort to keep emotional love alive. Many couples struggle because they don't realize this transition is necessary.

The Five Love Languages. People express and receive love in different ways. Discovering each other's primary love language is crucial for maintaining emotional connection. The five love languages are:

• Words of Affirmation
• Acts of Service
• Receiving Gifts
• Quality Time
• Physical Touch

Speak Their Language. Learning to speak your partner's love language, even if it's different from your own, is essential for keeping emotional love alive. This intentional effort strengthens the relationship and helps couples navigate the transition from the initial euphoric stage to a deeper, more lasting love.

3. Parental Patterns: Recognize and Choose Your Legacy

“Like mother, like daughter” and “Like father, like son” is not a myth.

Influence of Family. Individuals are greatly influenced by their parents, both positively and negatively. Destructive lifestyles or communication patterns can be passed down unless consciously addressed. Abusive men were almost always abused as children.

Breaking the Cycle. It's possible to learn from poor examples and change behavior. However, this requires specific steps to understand the patterns and actively work to break them. Ignoring these issues is a recipe for repeating them.

Observe and Discuss. Couples should spend time with each other's parents to observe their behavior and communication patterns. Discuss any troubling observations openly and honestly. Take steps to ensure that negative patterns are not repeated in your own relationship.

4. Conflict is Inevitable: Learn to Resolve Respectfully

How to solve disagreements without arguing.

Accept Conflict as Normal. Conflicts are a normal part of every marriage, arising from individual differences in desires, likes, dislikes, and perspectives. Conflicts are not a sign that you have married the wrong person. The key is to learn how to process conflicts in a healthy manner.

Listening is Key. Talking without listening leads to arguments. Requesting a "listening time" can create a more positive atmosphere for resolving conflicts. Each partner shares their perspective while the other listens and tries to understand, asking clarifying questions.

Compromise and Solutions. After understanding each other's perspectives, look for solutions through compromise. Three approaches to resolving conflicts:

• Meeting in the middle: Finding a compromise that incorporates elements of both desires.
• Meeting on your side: One partner chooses to do what the other desires as an act of love.
• Meeting later: Agreeing to disagree for the moment and revisiting the issue later.

5. Apologizing is Strength: Speak the Right Language

That apologizing is a sign of strength.

Apology is Essential. There are no healthy marriages without apology and forgiveness. Unloving words and actions create emotional barriers that must be removed through sincere apologies and genuine forgiveness.

The Five Apology Languages. People perceive apologies differently. The five apology languages are:

• Expressing Regret
• Accepting Responsibility
• Making Restitution
• Genuinely Expressing the Desire to Change Your Behavior
• Requesting Forgiveness

Learn Your Partner's Language. To apologize effectively, you must learn to speak your partner's primary apology language. This communicates sincerity and makes forgiveness much easier. What one person considers to be an apology is not what another person considers to be an apology.

6. Forgiveness is a Decision: Release, Don't Erase

That forgiveness is not a feeling.

Forgiveness is a Choice. Forgiveness is not a feeling but a decision to offer grace instead of demanding justice. It removes the emotional barrier created by wrongdoing and opens the possibility for the relationship to grow.

What Forgiveness Isn't. Forgiveness does not:

• Destroy our memory
• Remove all the consequences of wrongdoing
• Automatically rebuild trust
• Always result in reconciliation

The Path to Healing. Forgiveness is the only healthy response to an apology. If we choose not to forgive, the barrier remains and the relationship is estranged. Forgiveness opens the door to the possibility of growth and reconciliation.

7. Household Harmony: Discuss and Divide Responsibilities

That toilets are not self-cleaning.

Marital Roles Matter. Confusion over household responsibilities is a major source of stress in contemporary marriages. Couples need to discuss and agree upon who will do what after they get married.

Factors to Consider. Several factors influence perceptions of marital roles:

• Parental models
• Personal philosophy about maleness and femaleness
• Individual skills and abilities
• Personal likes and dislikes

Practical Exercise. Make a list of all household tasks and responsibilities. Individually, assign initials to the tasks you think will be your responsibility. Then, discuss and negotiate any disagreements to reach a mutual agreement.

8. Financial Unity: Plan Together, Spend Wisely

That we needed a plan for handling our money.

"Our Money," Not "My Money." The first step in developing a financial plan is to agree that after marriage, it will no longer be "my money" and "your money" but "our money." This fosters unity and teamwork in financial decisions.

The 10-10-80 Plan. A simple plan for money management:

• Save and invest 10% of net income
• Give away 10% of net income
• Spend the remaining 80% on necessities and desires

Avoid Credit Traps. Discuss credit buying and agree on guidelines for using credit cards. Avoid impulse buying and prioritize saving for purchases. Agree that neither will make a major purchase without consulting the other.

9. Sexual Fulfillment: Communicate and Connect Deeply

That mutual sexual fulfillment is not automatic.

Beyond Physical Attraction. Mutual sexual fulfillment is not automatic. It requires understanding and communication. Men focus on intercourse, women focus on relationship.

Key Considerations. Factors influencing sexual fulfillment:

• Women need a loving relationship
• Foreplay is more important than intercourse
• Mutual satisfaction, not simultaneous climax, is the goal
• Sex is more than intercourse
• Communication is key

Address the Past. Deal with past sexual experiences before marriage. Unresolved issues can create psychological barriers to sexual unity. Read books on marital sex together.

10. In-Law Integration: Build Positive Family Relationships

That I was marrying into a family.

Extended Family Matters. When you marry, you become part of an extended family. These relationships may be distant or close, positive or negative, but they will exist.

Key Issues to Navigate. Common areas of conflict with in-laws:

• Holidays
• Traditions
• Expectations
• Patterns of behavior
• Religious beliefs

Listen and Negotiate. Build positive relationships by listening empathetically and negotiating differences respectfully. Learn their love language and speak it regularly.

11. Spiritual Compatibility: Share Core Beliefs and Values

That spirituality is not to be equated with “going to church.”

More Than Just Attendance. Spirituality is often the last thing to be discussed in a dating relationship. Divergent spiritual views can cause marital conflict.

Fundamental Questions. Explore core beliefs about God:

• Is there a God who created the universe?
• Has that God spoken?
• What has He said, and how have I responded?

Level of Commitment. Discover each other's level of commitment and involvement in the Christian community. How important is their faith to them? What kind of impact does it have on their personal life?

12. Personality Matters: Understand and Accept Differences

That personality profoundly influences behavior.

Unique Personalities. Personality differences profoundly influence behavior. Understanding these differences is essential for a successful marriage.

Common Personality Clashes. Examples of personality differences:

• Morning person vs. night person
• Optimist vs. pessimist
• Neatnik vs. slob
• Dead Sea vs. babbling brook
• Passive vs. aggressive
• Professor vs. dancer
• Organizer vs. free spirit

Accept and Negotiate. Acknowledge and accept personality differences. Negotiate solutions that honor each other's needs and preferences. Use personality profiles to gain deeper understanding.

Last updated: March 30, 2025