Key Takeaways
1. Seek a marriage partner who aligns with your spiritual mission
"Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you."
Mission-driven marriage. A marriage built on Matthew 6:33 is a glorious thing. When husband and wife are committed to growing together in Christ, supporting each other spiritually, and raising children in faith, joy abounds and miracles happen. This shared mission provides a strong foundation for facing life's challenges together.
- Benefits of a spiritually aligned partnership:
- Mutual support in spiritual growth
- Shared purpose in raising children
- Unity in facing life's challenges
- Increased capacity for serving others
Avoid romantic idealism. Many people base their choice of a marriage partner primarily on romantic feelings or sexual chemistry. While these are important aspects of a relationship, they are not sufficient for building a lasting, fulfilling marriage. Instead, focus on finding someone who shares your commitment to seeking God's kingdom and righteousness.
2. Character matters more than romantic feelings in choosing a spouse
"A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies."
Prioritize character. When evaluating a potential spouse, look beyond physical attraction and emotional connection to assess their character. Key traits to consider include humility, integrity, kindness, and a willingness to grow. These qualities will sustain a relationship long after the initial romantic feelings fade.
- Important character traits to look for:
- Humility and teachability
- Integrity and honesty
- Kindness and compassion
- Commitment to personal and spiritual growth
Long-term perspective. Remember that you're choosing not just a romantic partner, but also a potential parent for your future children and a lifelong companion. Consider how their character will influence your family and support your shared goals over decades, not just in the honeymoon phase.
3. Compatibility in core values and life goals is crucial for a lasting marriage
"A good marriage isn't something you find; it's something you make."
Shared vision. While opposites may attract in some areas, having compatible core values and life goals is essential for building a strong marriage. Discuss your expectations for family, career, lifestyle, and spiritual growth to ensure you're on the same page.
- Key areas to assess compatibility:
- Family planning and parenting styles
- Career aspirations and work-life balance
- Financial management and goals
- Spiritual beliefs and practices
- Lifestyle preferences (e.g., urban vs. rural living)
Complementary strengths. Look for a partner whose strengths complement your weaknesses and vice versa. This creates a balanced partnership where both individuals can grow and support each other. Remember, you're seeking a complement, not a clone.
4. Premarital sexual involvement can cloud judgment in mate selection
"There is no area that blinds couples more to their challenges than premature sexual involvement."
Neurochemical fog. Sexual intimacy releases powerful bonding hormones that can create a false sense of closeness and compatibility. This "neurochemical fog" can make it difficult to objectively evaluate whether someone is truly a good match for marriage.
- Reasons to maintain sexual purity before marriage:
- Clearer judgment in assessing compatibility
- Stronger foundation for trust and commitment
- Opportunity to develop non-sexual intimacy
- Alignment with biblical teachings on sexuality
Focus on character and compatibility. Instead of using sexual chemistry as a primary indicator of marital suitability, focus on building a strong friendship and assessing character, values, and life goals. This approach allows for a more objective evaluation of long-term compatibility.
5. Beware of "takers" and seek a giving partner for a fulfilling relationship
"If you marry a taker, you're sitting on a relational time bomb."
Identify givers and takers. Givers are individuals who consistently prioritize the needs of others and find joy in serving. Takers, on the other hand, are primarily focused on their own needs and desires. Marrying a taker can lead to emotional exhaustion and resentment over time.
- Signs of a giver:
- Consistently puts others' needs first
- Finds joy in serving and supporting
- Willing to make sacrifices for the relationship
- Demonstrates empathy and compassion
Long-term impact. Consider how a partner's giving or taking tendencies will affect your future family, ministry, and personal growth. A giving partner will support your goals and help you become a better person, while a taker may drain your emotional resources and hinder your ability to serve others.
6. Effective communication and conflict resolution skills are essential
"Healthy conflict resolution means a person can admit where he or she is wrong."
Foundation for intimacy. Strong communication skills and the ability to resolve conflicts in a healthy manner are crucial for building and maintaining intimacy in marriage. Look for a partner who is willing to listen, express themselves honestly, and work through disagreements constructively.
- Key communication and conflict resolution skills:
- Active listening
- Expressing emotions and needs clearly
- Willingness to compromise
- Ability to forgive and seek forgiveness
- Avoiding harmful behaviors (e.g., stonewalling, contempt)
Practice now. Use your dating relationship as an opportunity to develop and assess these skills. Pay attention to how you and your partner handle disagreements and whether you're able to grow closer through resolving conflicts.
7. A strong spiritual foundation provides stability in marriage
"If I'm not secure in my relationship with God—that I am accepted, loved, and empowered by Him—then I won't risk saying something or doing something that might make my spouse angry or frustrated."
Spiritual security. A deep, personal relationship with God provides the security and confidence needed to love your spouse selflessly and weather the storms of marriage. Look for a partner who is actively growing in their faith and seeks to put God first in their life.
- Benefits of a strong spiritual foundation:
- Ability to forgive and extend grace
- Shared source of wisdom and guidance
- Mutual support in spiritual growth
- Resilience in facing challenges
Grow together. Prioritize spiritual growth both individually and as a couple. Engage in practices like prayer, Bible study, and serving others together to strengthen your spiritual bond and prepare for the challenges of marriage.
8. Consider your potential spouse's family background and influences
"You're not just choosing your kids' future parent, you're choosing your kids' future grandparents."
Family legacy. Your spouse's family background can have a significant impact on your future marriage and children. Consider the values, relationship patterns, and potential issues that may be inherited from their family of origin.
- Aspects of family background to consider:
- Relationship dynamics between parents
- Communication and conflict resolution styles
- Spiritual beliefs and practices
- Any history of abuse, addiction, or mental health issues
Balanced perspective. While family background is important, remember that individuals can overcome negative influences and break unhealthy cycles. Look for evidence of personal growth and a willingness to address any family-of-origin issues.
9. Be cautious of personality traits that may undermine a God-centered marriage
"The three laws of marital choice for a ministry-minded marriage should be character, character, and character."
Red flags. Certain personality traits can make it difficult to build a God-centered marriage. Be cautious of individuals who display consistent patterns of selfishness, anger, dishonesty, or lack of spiritual maturity.
- Personality traits to watch out for:
- Inability to take responsibility for actions
- Extreme jealousy or possessiveness
- Consistent disregard for others' feelings
- Unwillingness to grow or change
Growth potential. While everyone has flaws, look for a partner who demonstrates self-awareness and a commitment to personal growth. A willingness to acknowledge weaknesses and work on them is a positive sign for future marital success.
10. Practice disciplined, purposeful dating that honors God
"Jesus's friendship was so true that He put His actions above what His friends would think about His actions."
Intentional relationships. Approach dating with purpose and discipline, focusing on building a strong foundation for potential marriage rather than simply seeking emotional or physical gratification. This means prioritizing getting to know each other's character, values, and spiritual lives.
- Principles for God-honoring dating:
- Maintain physical and emotional boundaries
- Prioritize spiritual growth individually and together
- Seek counsel from mentors and trusted friends
- Be honest about intentions and expectations
Selfless love. Follow Jesus' example of putting others' spiritual welfare above your own desires or comfort. This may mean delaying expressions of affection or commitment until you're sure it's in the best interest of both parties and aligns with God's will.
Last updated:
FAQ
What's "The Sacred Search" about?
- Purpose of Marriage: "The Sacred Search" by Gary L. Thomas explores the idea that the purpose of marriage should be about more than just finding the right person; it should focus on why you want to get married.
- Spiritual Foundation: The book emphasizes building a marriage on a spiritual foundation, seeking first the kingdom of God, and aligning with biblical principles.
- Practical Guidance: It provides practical advice for singles on how to make wise decisions in choosing a life partner, focusing on character and shared mission rather than just romantic attraction.
- Avoiding Common Pitfalls: Thomas addresses common misconceptions about marriage and dating, encouraging readers to avoid the pitfalls of infatuation and cultural myths about love.
Why should I read "The Sacred Search"?
- Insightful Perspective: The book offers a fresh perspective on marriage, challenging the conventional focus on finding "the one" and instead emphasizing the importance of understanding why you want to marry.
- Biblical Wisdom: It provides a biblically grounded approach to dating and marriage, making it a valuable resource for Christians seeking to align their relationships with their faith.
- Practical Advice: Readers will find practical advice on how to evaluate potential partners, understand their own motivations, and build a marriage that honors God.
- Personal Growth: The book encourages personal growth and self-reflection, helping readers to become better partners and make more informed decisions about marriage.
What are the key takeaways of "The Sacred Search"?
- Focus on "Why": The book emphasizes the importance of understanding why you want to get married, suggesting that this question is more crucial than who you marry.
- Character Over Chemistry: It advises prioritizing character and shared spiritual goals over mere romantic attraction or chemistry.
- Marriage as a Mission: Thomas encourages viewing marriage as a partnership in seeking God's kingdom, rather than just a source of personal happiness.
- Avoiding Infatuation Traps: The book warns against the dangers of infatuation and the cultural myths that can lead to poor marital choices.
How does Gary L. Thomas define a "sole mate" in "The Sacred Search"?
- Sole Mate Concept: A "sole mate" is someone who walks with you in seeking first the kingdom of God, focusing on spiritual partnership rather than just romantic connection.
- Biblical Love: This concept is rooted in the biblical definition of love, which involves sacrifice and commitment rather than just feelings.
- Shared Mission: A sole mate is someone with whom you can share a life mission, growing together in faith and purpose.
- Long-term Affection: The relationship is built on long-term affection and friendship, which deepens over time, unlike fleeting infatuation.
What advice does "The Sacred Search" offer for evaluating potential marriage partners?
- Character Assessment: Evaluate a potential partner's character, looking for humility, forgiveness, and the ability to handle conflict healthily.
- Spiritual Compatibility: Ensure spiritual compatibility by finding someone who shares your commitment to seeking God's kingdom and growing in faith.
- Relational Skills: Assess their relational skills, such as communication, friendship, and the ability to pray and grow spiritually.
- Avoiding Red Flags: Be aware of red flags like a history of violence, inability to forgive, or lack of respect, which can undermine a marriage.
How does "The Sacred Search" address the issue of premarital sex?
- Neurochemical Impact: The book explains how premarital sex can create a neurochemical fog, making it difficult to objectively evaluate a relationship.
- Biblical Guidance: It emphasizes the biblical teaching that sexual activity should be reserved for marriage, as a way to honor God and protect the relationship.
- Long-term Consequences: Engaging in premarital sex can have long-term consequences, affecting future marital satisfaction and intimacy.
- Encouragement for Purity: Thomas encourages readers to pursue sexual purity, suggesting that it leads to a more fulfilling and God-honoring marriage.
What are the dangers of marrying for the wrong reasons according to "The Sacred Search"?
- Mercy Marriages: Marrying out of pity or obligation, rather than genuine love and compatibility, can lead to long-term dissatisfaction and regret.
- Cultural Myths: Believing in cultural myths about love and marriage, such as the idea of a "soul mate," can result in poor marital choices.
- Infatuation: Relying on infatuation or romantic feelings as the basis for marriage can lead to disappointment when those feelings fade.
- Lack of Purpose: Entering marriage without a shared mission or purpose can result in a lack of fulfillment and direction.
How does "The Sacred Search" suggest handling family and external influences in marriage decisions?
- Parental Advice: Consider parental and pastoral advice, as they often have valuable insights and want the best for you.
- Cultural Pressures: Be aware of cultural pressures and myths that can influence your decision-making, and focus on biblical principles instead.
- Extended Family: Evaluate the potential influence of extended family, as they can play a significant role in your future family dynamics.
- Community Support: Seek support from your faith community to help you make wise and informed decisions about marriage.
What role does prayer play in "The Sacred Search"?
- Seeking Guidance: Prayer is emphasized as a crucial tool for seeking God's guidance in making wise marital choices.
- Spiritual Growth: It is a means of growing spiritually and aligning your desires with God's will for your life and relationships.
- Discernment: Prayer helps in discerning the character and suitability of a potential partner, beyond just emotional attraction.
- Foundation for Marriage: A strong prayer life is seen as foundational for a healthy and God-honoring marriage, providing strength and unity.
What are the best quotes from "The Sacred Search" and what do they mean?
- "Seek first the kingdom of God": This quote encapsulates the book's central message that marriage should be about pursuing God's kingdom and righteousness.
- "A good marriage isn’t something you find; it’s something you make": This emphasizes the idea that marriage requires effort and intentionality, rather than just finding the right person.
- "Marriage is about more than you": This quote highlights the importance of considering the broader impact of marriage on family, community, and God's kingdom.
- "Infatuation is a dangerous and false god": This warns against relying on infatuation as the basis for marriage, as it can lead to poor decisions and disappointment.
How does "The Sacred Search" address the concept of compatibility in marriage?
- Spiritual Compatibility: The book stresses the importance of spiritual compatibility, sharing a commitment to seeking God's kingdom.
- Relational Compatibility: It advises finding someone whose personality and character you genuinely like and respect, rather than just focusing on similarities.
- Recreational Compatibility: Shared interests and activities can enhance intimacy and satisfaction in marriage, providing common ground for connection.
- Environmental Compatibility: Discussing and agreeing on lifestyle preferences, such as where to live and how to raise children, is crucial for long-term harmony.
What is the significance of the "mission first, marriage second" concept in "The Sacred Search"?
- Primary Focus: The concept emphasizes that the primary focus of marriage should be on fulfilling God's mission and purpose, rather than just personal happiness.
- Resilience in Trials: By prioritizing mission, couples can remain resilient in the face of marital challenges, knowing their purpose extends beyond personal satisfaction.
- Spiritual Growth: This approach encourages spiritual growth and maturity, as couples work together to seek God's kingdom and righteousness.
- Eternal Impact: A mission-focused marriage aims for an eternal impact, contributing to God's work in the world and leaving a lasting legacy.
Review Summary
The Sacred Search received mixed reviews. Many praised its practical advice on choosing a spouse based on character and shared faith rather than emotions alone. Readers appreciated the emphasis on seeking God's kingdom first in relationships. However, some found the tone condescending and overly critical of singles. Critics also noted gender stereotypes and a lack of grace. Despite disagreements, many readers found valuable insights on marriage preparation and recommended it for mature Christians considering relationships.
Similar Books





Download PDF
Download EPUB
.epub
digital book format is ideal for reading ebooks on phones, tablets, and e-readers.