The Sacred Search

1. Seek a marriage partner who aligns with your spiritual mission

"Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you."

Mission-driven marriage. A marriage built on Matthew 6:33 is a glorious thing. When husband and wife are committed to growing together in Christ, supporting each other spiritually, and raising children in faith, joy abounds and miracles happen. This shared mission provides a strong foundation for facing life's challenges together.

• Benefits of a spiritually aligned partnership:
  • Mutual support in spiritual growth
  • Shared purpose in raising children
  • Unity in facing life's challenges
  • Increased capacity for serving others

Avoid romantic idealism. Many people base their choice of a marriage partner primarily on romantic feelings or sexual chemistry. While these are important aspects of a relationship, they are not sufficient for building a lasting, fulfilling marriage. Instead, focus on finding someone who shares your commitment to seeking God's kingdom and righteousness.

2. Character matters more than romantic feelings in choosing a spouse

"A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies."

Prioritize character. When evaluating a potential spouse, look beyond physical attraction and emotional connection to assess their character. Key traits to consider include humility, integrity, kindness, and a willingness to grow. These qualities will sustain a relationship long after the initial romantic feelings fade.

• Important character traits to look for:
  • Humility and teachability
  • Integrity and honesty
  • Kindness and compassion
  • Commitment to personal and spiritual growth

Long-term perspective. Remember that you're choosing not just a romantic partner, but also a potential parent for your future children and a lifelong companion. Consider how their character will influence your family and support your shared goals over decades, not just in the honeymoon phase.

3. Compatibility in core values and life goals is crucial for a lasting marriage

"A good marriage isn't something you find; it's something you make."

Shared vision. While opposites may attract in some areas, having compatible core values and life goals is essential for building a strong marriage. Discuss your expectations for family, career, lifestyle, and spiritual growth to ensure you're on the same page.

• Key areas to assess compatibility:
  • Family planning and parenting styles
  • Career aspirations and work-life balance
  • Financial management and goals
  • Spiritual beliefs and practices
  • Lifestyle preferences (e.g., urban vs. rural living)

Complementary strengths. Look for a partner whose strengths complement your weaknesses and vice versa. This creates a balanced partnership where both individuals can grow and support each other. Remember, you're seeking a complement, not a clone.

4. Premarital sexual involvement can cloud judgment in mate selection

"There is no area that blinds couples more to their challenges than premature sexual involvement."

Neurochemical fog. Sexual intimacy releases powerful bonding hormones that can create a false sense of closeness and compatibility. This "neurochemical fog" can make it difficult to objectively evaluate whether someone is truly a good match for marriage.

• Reasons to maintain sexual purity before marriage:
  • Clearer judgment in assessing compatibility
  • Stronger foundation for trust and commitment
  • Opportunity to develop non-sexual intimacy
  • Alignment with biblical teachings on sexuality

Focus on character and compatibility. Instead of using sexual chemistry as a primary indicator of marital suitability, focus on building a strong friendship and assessing character, values, and life goals. This approach allows for a more objective evaluation of long-term compatibility.

5. Beware of "takers" and seek a giving partner for a fulfilling relationship

"If you marry a taker, you're sitting on a relational time bomb."

Identify givers and takers. Givers are individuals who consistently prioritize the needs of others and find joy in serving. Takers, on the other hand, are primarily focused on their own needs and desires. Marrying a taker can lead to emotional exhaustion and resentment over time.

• Signs of a giver:
  • Consistently puts others' needs first
  • Finds joy in serving and supporting
  • Willing to make sacrifices for the relationship
  • Demonstrates empathy and compassion

Long-term impact. Consider how a partner's giving or taking tendencies will affect your future family, ministry, and personal growth. A giving partner will support your goals and help you become a better person, while a taker may drain your emotional resources and hinder your ability to serve others.

6. Effective communication and conflict resolution skills are essential

"Healthy conflict resolution means a person can admit where he or she is wrong."

Foundation for intimacy. Strong communication skills and the ability to resolve conflicts in a healthy manner are crucial for building and maintaining intimacy in marriage. Look for a partner who is willing to listen, express themselves honestly, and work through disagreements constructively.

• Key communication and conflict resolution skills:
  • Active listening
  • Expressing emotions and needs clearly
  • Willingness to compromise
  • Ability to forgive and seek forgiveness
  • Avoiding harmful behaviors (e.g., stonewalling, contempt)

Practice now. Use your dating relationship as an opportunity to develop and assess these skills. Pay attention to how you and your partner handle disagreements and whether you're able to grow closer through resolving conflicts.

7. A strong spiritual foundation provides stability in marriage

"If I'm not secure in my relationship with God—that I am accepted, loved, and empowered by Him—then I won't risk saying something or doing something that might make my spouse angry or frustrated."

Spiritual security. A deep, personal relationship with God provides the security and confidence needed to love your spouse selflessly and weather the storms of marriage. Look for a partner who is actively growing in their faith and seeks to put God first in their life.

• Benefits of a strong spiritual foundation:
  • Ability to forgive and extend grace
  • Shared source of wisdom and guidance
  • Mutual support in spiritual growth
  • Resilience in facing challenges

Grow together. Prioritize spiritual growth both individually and as a couple. Engage in practices like prayer, Bible study, and serving others together to strengthen your spiritual bond and prepare for the challenges of marriage.

8. Consider your potential spouse's family background and influences

"You're not just choosing your kids' future parent, you're choosing your kids' future grandparents."

Family legacy. Your spouse's family background can have a significant impact on your future marriage and children. Consider the values, relationship patterns, and potential issues that may be inherited from their family of origin.

• Aspects of family background to consider:
  • Relationship dynamics between parents
  • Communication and conflict resolution styles
  • Spiritual beliefs and practices
  • Any history of abuse, addiction, or mental health issues

Balanced perspective. While family background is important, remember that individuals can overcome negative influences and break unhealthy cycles. Look for evidence of personal growth and a willingness to address any family-of-origin issues.

9. Be cautious of personality traits that may undermine a God-centered marriage

"The three laws of marital choice for a ministry-minded marriage should be character, character, and character."

Red flags. Certain personality traits can make it difficult to build a God-centered marriage. Be cautious of individuals who display consistent patterns of selfishness, anger, dishonesty, or lack of spiritual maturity.

• Personality traits to watch out for:
  • Inability to take responsibility for actions
  • Extreme jealousy or possessiveness
  • Consistent disregard for others' feelings
  • Unwillingness to grow or change

Growth potential. While everyone has flaws, look for a partner who demonstrates self-awareness and a commitment to personal growth. A willingness to acknowledge weaknesses and work on them is a positive sign for future marital success.

10. Practice disciplined, purposeful dating that honors God

"Jesus's friendship was so true that He put His actions above what His friends would think about His actions."

Intentional relationships. Approach dating with purpose and discipline, focusing on building a strong foundation for potential marriage rather than simply seeking emotional or physical gratification. This means prioritizing getting to know each other's character, values, and spiritual lives.

• Principles for God-honoring dating:
  • Maintain physical and emotional boundaries
  • Prioritize spiritual growth individually and together
  • Seek counsel from mentors and trusted friends
  • Be honest about intentions and expectations

Selfless love. Follow Jesus' example of putting others' spiritual welfare above your own desires or comfort. This may mean delaying expressions of affection or commitment until you're sure it's in the best interest of both parties and aligns with God's will.

Last updated: October 6, 2024