Too Perfect

1. Obsessive personality traits: A double-edged sword of success and suffering

You know them. You may be one of them. And if you are, you have much to be proud of. You're one of the solid, good people of the world: honest, reliable, hardworking, responsible, exacting, self-controlled.

Obsessive traits defined. Obsessive personality traits include perfectionism, conscientiousness, attention to detail, and a strong need for control. These qualities often lead to professional success, reliability, and trustworthiness. However, they can also cause significant problems in personal relationships and overall life satisfaction.

The dark side of obsessiveness. While obsessive traits can drive achievement, they often come at a high cost:

• Inability to relax and enjoy life
• Difficulty making decisions or committing to relationships
• Chronic feelings of anxiety and inadequacy
• Strained personal relationships due to rigidity and control issues
• Workaholic tendencies that neglect other aspects of life

2. The myth of control: Unconscious beliefs driving obsessive behavior

If I always try my very best and if I'm alert and sharp enough, I can avoid error. Not only can I perform flawlessly in everything important and be the ideal person in every situation, but I can avoid everyday blunders, oversights, and poor decisions or choices.

The illusion of perfect control. Obsessives often harbor an unconscious belief that they can and must control every aspect of their lives to ensure safety and success. This myth of control serves as a protective mechanism against anxiety and uncertainty.

Consequences of the control myth:

• Chronic anxiety when faced with unpredictable situations
• Difficulty delegating tasks or trusting others
• Overpreparation and excessive planning
• Frustration and disappointment when life doesn't go as planned
• Inability to adapt to changing circumstances

3. Perfectionism: The relentless pursuit of flawlessness and its costs

I just can't stumble," patient after patient has told me. "Every small failure is devastating.

The perfectionist's credo. Perfectionists believe that any mistake is unacceptable and that their worth depends on flawless performance. This mindset often stems from childhood experiences where love or approval seemed conditional on achievement.

The impact of perfectionism:

• Procrastination due to fear of imperfect results
• Chronic dissatisfaction with one's efforts
• Difficulty completing tasks or projects
• Strained relationships due to unrealistic expectations of others
• Increased risk of burnout and depression

4. Decision paralysis: The fear of making wrong choices

I keep taking more notes, making more outlines," she told me, "but I don't actually write. When I come up with an idea, rather than just write it out, I'll look for more material to make the idea more profound. Yet I realize that my best ideas come from writing, rather than from outlining and taking notes.

The agony of choice. Obsessives often struggle with decision-making, fearing that any choice could be a mistake. This leads to excessive information gathering, analysis paralysis, and a tendency to avoid commitment.

Overcoming decision paralysis:

• Recognize that no decision is perfect; focus on "good enough"
• Set time limits for making decisions
• Practice making small, low-stakes decisions quickly
• Accept that some regret is normal and doesn't indicate a bad choice
• Focus on learning from decisions rather than judging them

5. Demand-sensitivity and resistance: The struggle with expectations

I get a tightness inside, a tightness in my gut," is how one patient described it. "I feel a suppressed anger.

Heightened sensitivity to demands. Many obsessives are acutely aware of expectations placed upon them, both real and perceived. This sensitivity can lead to feeling overwhelmed by even minor requests or obligations.

The paradox of demand-resistance:

• Automatic negative reaction to perceived demands or pressure
• Difficulty enjoying activities that feel obligatory
• Procrastination or subtle sabotage of tasks, even when desired
• Strained relationships due to perceived pressure from others
• Internal conflict between wanting to comply and resisting demands

6. Emotional guardedness: The price of self-protection

I'm afraid," she said, bursting into tears. "I'm afraid that if you get close, what's inside won't be good enough.

The fear of vulnerability. Many obsessives struggle with emotional intimacy, fearing rejection or loss of control if they open up to others. This guardedness can stem from early experiences of criticism or betrayal.

Consequences of emotional guardedness:

• Difficulty forming deep, meaningful relationships
• Feelings of loneliness and disconnection
• Misinterpretation of guardedness as arrogance or indifference
• Missed opportunities for emotional support and growth
• Increased stress due to lack of emotional outlets

7. Overthinking: The trap of worry, rumination, and doubt

My mind is a regular worry machine," one woman said. "Sometimes I'll churn through every conceivable aspect of a problem, then I'll tell myself, 'That's enough,' and will try to shift to something more pleasant. A few minutes later my thoughts have crept right back to my worries. It's as if worrying is as automatic as breathing, something my mind keeps doing, no matter what.

The overthinking mind. Obsessives often engage in excessive worry, rumination, and doubt. This mental habit can be exhausting and interfere with daily functioning and enjoyment of life.

Breaking the overthinking cycle:

• Practice mindfulness to stay present
• Use thought-stopping techniques (e.g., snapping a rubber band on wrist)
• Challenge catastrophic thinking with realistic assessments
• Set aside designated "worry time" to contain anxious thoughts
• Engage in physical activity or absorbing hobbies to redirect mental energy

8. Rigidity and orderliness: When structure becomes a prison

I seem to spend most of my time doing mindless busy work, but I don't seem to be living. I don't feel like I'm really living.

The need for order and predictability. Obsessives often crave structure and routine, finding comfort in predictability. However, this rigidity can become extreme, leading to inflexibility and resistance to change.

Balancing structure and flexibility:

• Challenge the belief that there's only one "right" way to do things
• Practice tolerating small amounts of disorder or unpredictability
• Experiment with spontaneity in low-stakes situations
• Recognize when orderliness is interfering with enjoyment or efficiency
• Cultivate curiosity about new experiences and perspectives

9. Workaholism: The addiction to productivity and its consequences

I never relax," Therese told me unhappily. "There's always something to do. I either have to clean the house, pay bills, or something. And if I do take time off, I start to feel like I'm neglecting something. I feel lazy, and in my mind that's reprehensible.

The workaholic mindset. Many obsessives equate productivity with self-worth, leading to an addiction to work and constant busyness. This can result in neglect of personal relationships, health, and overall life balance.

The costs of workaholism:

• Burnout and physical health problems
• Strained or neglected personal relationships
• Lack of time for self-care and personal growth
• Difficulty enjoying leisure activities without guilt
• Reduced creativity and overall productivity in the long run

10. Breaking free: Strategies for a more balanced and fulfilling life

When I watch TV, I tend to feel guilty that I'm not getting one thing or another done. Or I'll watch for a few hours, and then afterward regret that I 'blew' the time and could have been doing something productive.

Embracing imperfection and balance. Overcoming obsessive tendencies requires a willingness to challenge deeply ingrained beliefs and behaviors. It involves learning to tolerate uncertainty, imperfection, and the natural ebb and flow of life.

Key strategies for change:

• Practice self-compassion and challenge self-critical thoughts
• Set realistic goals and celebrate small victories
• Gradually expose yourself to feared situations (e.g., making mistakes)
• Prioritize relationships and leisure activities
• Seek professional help, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy
• Cultivate mindfulness to stay present and reduce overthinking
• Experiment with letting go of control in small, manageable ways
• Redefine success to include personal fulfillment and well-being, not just achievement

Last updated: November 13, 2024