What Do You Say After You Say Hello

1. Life scripts are formed in early childhood and shape our destiny

The destiny of every human being is decided by what goes on inside his skull when he is confronted with what goes on outside his skull.

Early decisions shape our lives. Children make crucial decisions about their life course and identity before they have the capacity to fully understand the world. These decisions, often based on limited information and experiences, form the foundation of their life scripts.

Scripts persist into adulthood. Despite growing older and gaining more knowledge, people tend to stick to these early decisions, often unconsciously. This persistence explains why many adults continue patterns of behavior that no longer serve them well, repeating cycles of success or failure.

Key elements of script formation:

• Parental influences and messages
• Early experiences and interpretations
• Decisions about self-worth and life expectations
• Reinforcement through repeated experiences

2. Parental programming influences script formation and life decisions

The parent's Child forms the Child's Parent.

Parents transmit scripts unconsciously. Parents often unknowingly pass on their own unresolved issues and life patterns to their children. This transmission occurs through verbal and non-verbal communication, creating a multi-generational cycle of script reinforcement.

The script matrix illustrates transmission. Berne's concept of the script matrix shows how different aspects of parental personalities (Parent, Adult, Child) influence the child's developing ego states. This complex interplay shapes the child's beliefs, behaviors, and life expectations.

Common parental influences on scripts:

• Explicit instructions and prohibitions
• Modeling of behaviors and attitudes
• Emotional responses and patterns
• Expectations and aspirations for the child

3. Scripts can be winning, non-winning, or losing, affecting life outcomes

A winner is defined as a person who fulfills his contract with the world and with himself.

Scripts determine life trajectories. The type of script a person adopts – winning, non-winning, or losing – significantly influences their life outcomes. Winners achieve their stated goals, non-winners maintain the status quo, and losers consistently fall short of their aspirations.

Changing scripts can transform lives. Recognizing one's script type is the first step toward change. By understanding the underlying patterns and decisions that drive their behaviors, individuals can begin to make new choices and create more fulfilling life paths.

Characteristics of different script types:

• Winners: Set and achieve goals, adapt to challenges
• Non-winners: Maintain stability, avoid risks
• Losers: Repeatedly fail, self-sabotage

4. Transactional analysis reveals the interplay of Parent, Adult, and Child ego states

The script is what the person planned to do in early childhood, and the life course is what actually happens.

Ego states influence behavior. Transactional analysis identifies three ego states – Parent, Adult, and Child – that shape our interactions and decisions. Understanding these states helps explain why people often behave inconsistently or irrationally.

Transactions reveal script dynamics. By analyzing the interactions between ego states in ourselves and others, we can uncover the hidden script patterns that drive behavior. This awareness is crucial for making lasting changes in our relationships and life choices.

Key concepts in transactional analysis:

• Parent: Internalized authority figures and rules
• Adult: Rational, data-processing aspect of personality
• Child: Emotional, creative, and intuitive self
• Complementary vs. crossed transactions

5. Script analysis helps identify and change destructive life patterns

Scripts are artificial systems which limit spontaneous and creative human aspirations, just as games are artificial structures which limit spontaneous and creative intimacy.

Uncovering script elements. Script analysis involves identifying key components of a person's life story, including early decisions, parental injunctions, and recurring patterns. This process helps bring unconscious beliefs and behaviors into awareness.

Changing scripts requires new permissions. To break free from limiting scripts, individuals need to give themselves (or receive from a therapist) permission to make new choices. This often involves challenging long-held beliefs and facing fears of change.

Steps in script analysis:

1. Identify script themes and patterns
2. Uncover early decisions and parental messages
3. Recognize script reinforcement in current behavior
4. Challenge limiting beliefs and permissions
5. Make new decisions and experiment with change

6. Psychological "games" reinforce scripts and interpersonal dynamics

Games are sets of ulterior transactions, repetitive in nature, with a well-defined psychological payoff.

Games maintain script positions. Psychological games are unconscious patterns of interaction that reinforce a person's life script. These games provide familiar, albeit often dysfunctional, ways of structuring time and obtaining emotional "payoffs."

Recognizing games enables change. By becoming aware of the games we play and their underlying motivations, we can choose to engage in more authentic and fulfilling interactions. This awareness is a crucial step in breaking free from scripted behaviors.

Common elements of psychological games:

• Con: The initial, seemingly innocent move
• Gimmick: The other person's vulnerability
• Response: The predictable reaction
• Switch: The moment when roles change
• Payoff: The emotional reward for both parties

7. Breaking free from scripts requires awareness, permission, and new decisions

What Do You Say After You Say Hello? demonstrates how each life script gets written, how it works and, more important, how anyone can improvise or change his script to make a happy ending...

Awareness is the first step. Recognizing the existence and influence of our life scripts is crucial for change. This awareness often comes through therapy, self-reflection, or significant life events that challenge our existing patterns.

Permission enables new choices. Many people remain stuck in their scripts because they believe they don't have permission to change. Granting ourselves (or receiving from others) permission to make different choices is a powerful catalyst for transformation.

Key elements in changing scripts:

• Identifying script beliefs and patterns
• Challenging limiting permissions
• Making new decisions about identity and life goals
• Experimenting with new behaviors
• Developing supportive relationships that encourage change

8. Cultural and generational influences shape individual scripts

Scripts involve all of these. The typical human being, whom we will call 'Jeder,' represents nearly every member of the human race in every soil and clime.

Scripts reflect broader cultural narratives. While individual scripts are unique, they are also influenced by cultural stories, expectations, and values. Understanding these broader influences helps contextualize personal scripts within larger societal patterns.

Generational transmission of scripts. Scripts often pass down through generations, creating family legacies of success or struggle. Recognizing these multi-generational patterns can provide insight into seemingly inexplicable personal behaviors and choices.

Factors influencing cultural and generational scripts:

• Historical events and social movements
• Economic conditions and class structures
• Religious and spiritual beliefs
• Gender roles and expectations
• Educational systems and opportunities

9. The therapist's role in script analysis and patient transformation

The therapist, with full humanity and poignancy, and with the patient's explicit and voluntary consent, may have to perform a similar task: not torture, but surgery.

Therapists guide script discovery. In script analysis, the therapist's role is to help patients uncover their hidden life patterns and the early decisions that shaped them. This process requires skill, empathy, and a willingness to challenge long-held beliefs.

Transformation requires new permissions. A key function of the therapist is to grant patients permission to make new choices and explore different ways of being. This permission often counters deeply ingrained prohibitions from childhood.

Therapist's tools in script analysis:

• Active listening and observation
• Identifying script signals and patterns
• Challenging limiting beliefs and permissions
• Encouraging experimentation with new behaviors
• Providing a safe space for emotional exploration and growth

Last updated: October 9, 2024