What On Earth Have I Done?

1. Ask the Big Questions of Life

What you think of you is what finally matters.

Self-reflection is key. The "Great Mother Questions" like "What on earth have I done?" and "Who do you think you are?" are not just parental scolding but profound life inquiries. Asking these questions of yourself, calmly and honestly, is essential for accountability and self-awareness. It helps you evaluate the quality of your existence and your contribution to the world.

Beyond external judgment. While others may judge you, and the world may not always tell you what you need to hear, your own internal assessment is paramount. Looking in the mirror each morning is like opening court, where you are both judge and jury. This internal dialogue guides your path and helps you understand your actions and intentions.

Continuous inquiry. These questions are not meant to be answered once and for all but are ongoing inquiries. They prompt you to consider your past actions, your present purpose, and your future direction. Staying mentally active means continually asking, thinking, and learning about yourself and your place in the world.

2. Navigate Solitude and Seek Connection

And that’s why I write all these words to you—as a way of bringing the small boat of my life within speaking distance of yours.

Solitude is the norm. While often perceived as something to be avoided, solitude is a natural state. It can be both painful and pleasurable, and everyone experiences feeling alone at times. Retreating from external noise allows you to "hear from yourself."

Solitude vs. Loneliness. Solitude is being alone; loneliness is feeling alone. The solution to loneliness is not more isolation but seeking companionship and community. Meaningful solitude can be found even amidst others, by turning inward and reflecting.

Connecting through sharing. Sharing your thoughts and experiences, whether through writing, conversation, or simple gestures, is a way to bridge the gap between your solitary existence and the lives of others. It's an invitation for connection, bringing your "small boat" closer to others in the vast "sea of possible companions."

3. Find Priceless Value in the Ordinary

He said the play was “. . . an attempt to find a value above all price for the smallest events in our daily life.”

Beauty in the mundane. Life's most valuable moments are often found in the small, ordinary events of daily life. Observing the world around you – children playing, neighbors tending gardens, simple acts of kindness – reveals profound truths and beauty. These observations enrich your perspective.

Look around, not just back or ahead. While reflecting on the past and anticipating the future have their place, concentrating on the present moment and looking around is crucial. Like Montaigne, taking the ordinary seriously allows you to find a "feast offered to the appetite of the imagination."

The view is everywhere. Value isn't limited to grand vistas or spectacular events. It's in the human connections and the simple acts of community you witness daily. Seeing neighbors committed to learning, serving, and looking after each other provides a priceless view of civil society.

4. Embrace Changing Perspectives

The glaciers will be back.

Long-term perspective. Understanding the vastness of time, like considering the return of glaciers or the age of fossils, can shift your perspective on present concerns. It reminds you of the temporary nature of human existence and the larger cycles of the universe. This "ant-in-Chicago" position highlights the astonishing scale of reality.

Shifting viewpoints. Changing your physical location or stepping outside your usual routine can offer fresh perspectives. Moving between different cultural settings, like Seattle, Utah, and Crete, reveals both profound differences and fundamental similarities among people and places.

Re-evaluating value. What seems like a drawback from one perspective (e.g., noise from a school) can be a valuable asset from another (e.g., the sound of young life and learning). Actively questioning conventional evaluations allows you to find hidden worth and appreciate things differently.

5. Build Community Through Simple Acts

We watch each other, you know. And often watch out for each other as well.

Small acts matter. Building and maintaining a civil society happens through countless small decisions and actions. Simple gestures like waiting at a crosswalk, caring for public spaces, or picking up after pets contribute to the common good and demonstrate respect for others.

Observing and participating. Paying attention to the people around you – neighbors, strangers, even those you might dismiss – reveals opportunities for connection. A simple smile, nod, or brief conversation can acknowledge mutual solitude and build a sense of community.

The "Players" of life. Engaging with others through lighthearted imagination and mischief fosters connection. These "Players" are open to spontaneous interaction and find joy in shared moments of absurdity or humor. Being open to such exchanges enriches daily life.

6. Accept Life's Untidy Confusion

Hopelessly confusing a need to have a final YES or NO with the reality that only untidy MAYBE is ever possible.

Life is messy. Many situations, particularly those involving human need or complex problems, are not simple or easily resolved. Encounters with beggars, personal mistakes, or relationship challenges often leave you feeling confused and unsatisfied, without clear answers.

Beyond black and white. Wanting a "final YES or NO" or a "permanent, surgical solution" is often unrealistic. Life frequently presents "untidy MAYBEs." Accepting this ambiguity is crucial for navigating complex situations and managing your expectations.

Kindness over resolution. In the face of confusion and need, acting with kindness, even if it doesn't solve everything, is a valid response. While you may not be able to fix someone's life or achieve a perfect outcome, offering a temporary bandage or a small kindness is often all that the moment requires and all that is possible.

7. Seek Out Small, Ordinary Joys

Just contented with getting what I wanted most so early in the holiday season: the company of people like me who find in themselves in the middle of winter a capacity for joy—small and deep and ordinary.

Joy in the simple. While spectacular events and grand extravaganzas exist, deep contentment and joy can be found in low-key, amateur activities. Sharing simple moments with others, like singing off-key carols or enjoying home-baked cookies, provides a sense of belonging and quiet happiness.

Finding delight daily. Look for opportunities for delight in your daily life. These small moments, like seeing children's lemonade stands, noticing cared-for public spaces, or having a playful exchange with a stranger, add value and enchantment to the everyday.

Cultivating a capacity for joy. Joy isn't always a sudden, overwhelming feeling; it can be a capacity you cultivate. By being open to and appreciating the small, ordinary pleasures and connections around you, you find a deep and lasting contentment, even amidst life's challenges.

8. Understand What You Can and Cannot Control

Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not.

Focus on attitude. As the Stoic philosopher Epictetus taught, while you cannot choose your external circumstances, you can always choose your attitude and response to them. This understanding is the foundation of tranquility and freedom.

Turn inward. Difficulties are opportunities to access your inner resources. Instead of merely reacting, step back, compose yourself, and take a wider view. Look for potential benefits or lessons within challenging events, even if they are not immediately obvious.

Direct your will wisely. Reason and clear thinking are essential for directing your actions. Once you've decided on a wise course, stand by it, even if others misunderstand or condemn you. Forgive yourself for mistakes, learn from them, and strive to do better next time, knowing you did your best under the circumstances.

9. Choose Kindness and Compassion

Maybe being a bleeding heart is always better than having no heart at all.

Empathy in action. While judging others' needs or worthiness is complex and often impossible, choosing to act with kindness and compassion is a more valuable response. Giving help, even if it means occasionally giving to someone who might not "deserve" it, ensures you don't miss those whose need is real.

Beyond pity. True compassion goes beyond pity. It involves recognizing the shared human struggle and acting from a place of empathy. Even when faced with cynicism or hostility, maintaining a compassionate stance is a choice that reflects your own values.

Small kindnesses matter. You don't need to solve all the world's problems to make a difference. Small acts of kindness, like offering a ride, sharing a meal, or simply acknowledging someone's presence, can have a significant impact. These gestures contribute to a more humane and connected world.

10. Listen for the Stories Everyone Carries

Everybody has a story to tell and a willingness to tell it if asked.

The richness of human experience. Everyone you encounter, whether a stranger or a friend, carries a unique history and perspective. They know things you don't and have experiences that can inspire or enlighten you. Every person is a "door into some other room in the world."

Ask the right questions. Moving beyond superficial small talk requires asking questions that invite deeper sharing. Having a list of "conversation lifeboats" can help you connect with others on a more meaningful level and discover the astonishing dimensions of humanity they hold.

Be open to receiving. Being willing to listen and receive what others share is crucial. This openness allows you to learn, be inspired, and build genuine connections. Taking the risk of engaging with others, even if they think you're "simple-minded," often leads to rewarding discoveries.

11. Find Belonging Across Cultures

Eimai Kritikos—I am Cretan.

Connection beyond origin. Belonging isn't solely determined by where you were born or your cultural background. It can be found in places and with people who resonate with your spirit, even if they are geographically distant and culturally different. Deep-rooted places and traditions can offer a sense of connection.

Hospitality and acceptance. Cultures that practice genuine hospitality and welcome strangers can foster a strong sense of belonging. Being accepted and included in the life of a community, even as an outsider, creates binding connections and a feeling of being cherished.

Shared humanity. Despite apparent differences, people and places are fundamentally more alike than different. Recognizing this shared humanity allows you to find common ground and build relationships across cultural divides. Over time, the "soil" of a place and its people can get "under your nails," making you feel like one of them.

12. Cherish the Names That Remain

The names that remain remind me that I am a rich and lucky man.

The lottery of connection. Life is a constant procession of people who come and go. Many names in your address book represent fleeting encounters, while others represent deep, lasting connections. Recognizing this "friendship lottery" highlights the preciousness of those who remain.

Essential friends. Over time, a core group of "Essential Friends" emerges – those who play primary roles in your life, whose numbers you know by heart, and whose voices you recognize instantly. These are the companions of a lifetime, available in sorrow or joy, keepers of your history.

Witnesses to life. These enduring friendships are a source of immense richness and comfort. They remind you that you are not alone and that your life is witnessed and cherished. As time takes its toll, these are the voices that will remain, celebrating the joy and shared history of a lifetime.

Last updated: May 12, 2025