I've Tried Being Nice

1. The Unsympathetic Protagonist: Embracing Imperfection

And after that, I wrote novels, because in my case, it’s easier to create a likeable protagonist than to be one.

Self-Awareness is Key. The author's journey begins with the realization that she is not the most sympathetic character in her own life story. This self-awareness, born from feedback on her memoir, becomes a catalyst for exploring the complexities of human nature. It highlights the challenge of portraying oneself honestly, flaws and all, and the temptation to create more idealized versions of ourselves, especially in writing.

Authenticity over Likeability. The author's struggle with her own perceived lack of likeability leads her to create fictional characters, where she can control their traits and actions. This underscores the idea that authenticity, even with its imperfections, is more compelling than a forced attempt at likeability. It's a reminder that our flaws and struggles are what make us human and relatable.

The Power of Vulnerability. The author's journey is a testament to the power of vulnerability. By acknowledging her shortcomings, she invites readers to connect with her on a deeper level. This honesty, though initially uncomfortable, becomes a source of strength and allows her to explore the complexities of human experience with greater depth and nuance.

2. The Perils of People-Pleasing: A Quest for External Validation

It’s not that I needed everybody to like me. I needed them to love me. And not just my family and friends—I was the least nice to them. I needed the love and approval of complete strangers.

The Need for External Validation. The author's lifelong struggle with people-pleasing stems from a deep-seated need for external validation. This need is so strong that it extends beyond her inner circle to complete strangers, highlighting the often-unhealthy lengths we go to seek approval from others. This behavior is often rooted in insecurity and a lack of self-worth.

The Paradox of People-Pleasing. The author's attempts to be the "nicest person everybody ever met" often lead to confusion, misinterpretations, and even injuries. This paradox reveals the futility of trying to please everyone and the unintended consequences of prioritizing others' needs over one's own. It underscores the importance of setting boundaries and prioritizing self-respect.

The Cost of Inauthenticity. The author's people-pleasing tendencies are not just about being nice; they are about a deep-seated fear of angering others. This fear leads to inauthenticity and a constant need to monitor and adjust her behavior to fit others' expectations. It's a reminder that true connection comes from being genuine, not from trying to be what others want us to be.

3. Fame's Filter: Navigating Life in the Public Eye

“I’ve told you again and again. I’m fucking famous,” he grumbled. Then I remembered that he had mentioned it.

The Disconnect of Fame. The author's experience of her husband's fame highlights the disconnect between the public perception of a celebrity and the reality of their private life. Her initial confusion and awkward interactions with fans reveal the surreal nature of fame and the challenges of navigating a world where one's personal life is constantly under scrutiny.

The Translator Role. The author's tendency to repeat and translate fan interactions for her husband underscores the absurdity of fame and the way it can distort normal social interactions. This behavior, though well-intentioned, highlights the challenges of maintaining a sense of normalcy when one's life is constantly being observed and commented upon.

The Loss of Anonymity. The author's experiences with her husband's fans reveal the loss of anonymity that comes with fame. This loss of privacy can be disorienting and isolating, making it difficult to maintain a sense of self and navigate everyday life without being constantly recognized and judged.

4. The Menopausal Shift: Finding Freedom in Change

I didn’t know that one day I’d be simpering an apology to a stranger who’d spilled their coffee on me, and the next day I’d march out of my house, cast a cold-fish eye upon all creation and think: Fuck off.

Hormonal Influence on Behavior. The author's exploration of the ovary-brain connection highlights the profound impact of hormones on women's minds, bodies, and souls. This realization challenges the notion of a fixed personality and suggests that our behavior is often influenced by biological factors beyond our control.

The Liberation of Menopause. The author's experience of menopause is not just a physical change but a liberation from the need to please others. This shift, though initially jarring, allows her to embrace a more authentic and assertive version of herself. It's a reminder that change, even when unexpected, can be a catalyst for growth and self-discovery.

The "Cold-Fish Eye". The author's embrace of the "cold-fish eye" represents a rejection of the pressure to be constantly nice and agreeable. This newfound assertiveness allows her to set boundaries and prioritize her own needs, marking a significant shift in her approach to life and relationships.

5. The Coward's Dilemma: Confronting Fear and Finding Voice

I’m a coward. I’m terrified of making people angry. I have been all my life.

The Root of People-Pleasing. The author's realization that her people-pleasing tendencies stem from a deep-seated fear of angering others is a pivotal moment in her journey. This acknowledgment reveals the underlying anxiety that drives her behavior and highlights the need to confront her fears in order to live more authentically.

The Power of Directness. The author's confrontation with the "Doodle Lady" marks a turning point in her journey. By finally expressing her needs directly, she challenges her lifelong pattern of avoiding conflict and asserts her right to be heard. This act of courage, though initially uncomfortable, is a step towards greater self-respect and autonomy.

The Warning of "I've Tried Being Nice". The author's use of the phrase "I've tried being nice" as a warning is a powerful statement about the limits of politeness and the need to stand up for oneself. This phrase, like the cocking of a pistol, signals a shift from passive compliance to active assertion, highlighting the transformative power of finding one's voice.

6. The Self-Monitoring Trap: Fitting In vs. Being Authentic

When the results revealed that I’m a higher self-monitor than 90 percent of the test’s sample population, my self-esteem soared. Then I read that being a high self-monitor is a sign of low self-esteem.

The Illusion of Fitting In. The author's high score on the Self-Monitoring Scale initially boosts her self-esteem, but she soon learns that it's a sign of low self-esteem. This paradox reveals the trap of trying too hard to fit in and the underlying insecurity that drives this behavior. It's a reminder that true belonging comes from authenticity, not conformity.

The Impact of Childhood Mobility. The author's frequent moves during childhood contributed to her high self-monitoring tendencies. This constant need to adapt to new environments and social groups led her to become adept at mimicking others, but also made it difficult to develop a strong sense of self. It highlights the lasting impact of childhood experiences on adult behavior.

The Ant Farm Analogy. The author's analogy of the ant farm illustrates the disruption and chaos that comes with constant change. Each move is like shaking up the ant farm, scattering the ants and forcing them to rebuild their social structures from scratch. This analogy underscores the challenges of maintaining a sense of stability and belonging when one's environment is constantly changing.

7. The Nomad's Journey: Finding Home Within

Every time we moved, I could immediately identify the most popular, the biggest jock, the geeks, the nice kids, the bullies, and the most bullied.

The Upsides of Moving. Despite the challenges of constant relocation, the author acknowledges the benefits of her nomadic childhood. She learned early on that people everywhere are more alike than different, and she developed a keen ability to observe and understand social dynamics. This adaptability and awareness became valuable assets in her life.

The "Grass is Greener" Syndrome. The author's father's constant search for a better place to live highlights the "grass is greener" syndrome, a psychological pattern that involves a perpetual dissatisfaction with one's current circumstances. This pattern, often rooted in a fear of commitment, can lead to a cycle of constant change and a failure to find lasting contentment.

The Geographical Cure. The author's father's constant moves are likened to the "geographical cures" sought by addicts, highlighting the futility of trying to escape one's problems by changing locations. This analogy underscores the importance of addressing internal issues rather than seeking external solutions.

8. The Mother's Maze: Unraveling Family Legacies

When I stopped seeing my mother with the eyes of a child, I saw the woman who helped me give birth to myself.

The Planet Mom Myth. The author's childhood perception of her mother as a fully formed adult from "Planet Mom" highlights the tendency to view parents as static figures rather than complex individuals with their own histories and struggles. This myth is often shattered as we grow older and begin to see our parents as flawed and human.

The Power of Shared Stories. The author's quest to understand her mother's childhood reveals the importance of family stories in shaping our identities. By piecing together fragments of her mother's past, she gains a deeper understanding of her own life and the patterns that have been passed down through generations.

The Cycle of Trauma. The author's exploration of her mother's and grandmother's lives reveals a cycle of trauma and dysfunction that has been perpetuated through generations. This cycle, though painful, highlights the importance of breaking free from negative patterns and creating a healthier future for oneself and one's family.

9. The Bat in the Pajamas: Embracing the Absurd

“Mom, there’s a bat on your pajamas.”

The Unexpected Absurdity of Life. The author's encounter with a bat on her pajamas highlights the unexpected and absurd moments that often punctuate our lives. This incident, though initially frightening, becomes a source of humor and a reminder that life is often unpredictable and chaotic.

The Fear of the Unknown. The author's reaction to the bat reveals the primal fear of the unknown and the way it can trigger irrational responses. This fear, though often illogical, is a powerful force that can shape our behavior and our perceptions of the world.

The Symbiosis of Fear and Humor. The author's ability to find humor in her bat encounters underscores the way that fear and humor are often intertwined. By embracing the absurdity of life, we can find a way to cope with the challenges and anxieties that we face.

10. The Internet Persona: The Allure of the Virtual Self

On the internet, I’m friendly, thoughtful, and altruistic. I’m a doer, a go-getter, a fun-loving “people person” whose looks have held up relatively well for my age. In real life, I’m a borderline hermit who is slovenly, pessimistic, and wrinkled.

The Dichotomy of Online and Offline Selves. The author's description of her online persona as a "better" version of herself highlights the allure of the virtual world and the temptation to create idealized versions of ourselves online. This dichotomy reveals the gap between our curated online identities and the messy realities of our offline lives.

The Fascination with Online Frauds. The author's fascination with the online fraud "Jane" reveals the allure of deception and the way it can captivate our attention. This fascination, though initially framed as research, becomes a way for the author to explore her own insecurities and the complexities of human behavior.

The Intimacy of Virtual Connections. The author's experience with her online group highlights the surprising intimacy that can develop through virtual connections. These relationships, though initially based on a shared fascination with an online fraud, become a source of support and understanding, revealing the power of online communities to foster genuine human connection.

11. The Three-Drinks-Short Truth: Facing Addiction's Reality

After two or three drinks was precisely when I always started to feel in control. But how do you explain to a social drinker what it’s like to have been born three-drinks-short of comfortable? You can’t.

The Illusion of Control. The author's description of feeling "in control" after a few drinks highlights the deceptive nature of addiction and the way it can distort one's perception of reality. This illusion of control is a common experience for those struggling with substance abuse and underscores the need for self-awareness and honesty.

The "Three-Drinks-Short" Metaphor. The author's metaphor of being "three-drinks-short of comfortable" captures the underlying anxiety and discomfort that often drives addictive behaviors. This metaphor highlights the way that alcohol can be used as a coping mechanism to manage difficult emotions and feelings of inadequacy.

The Power of the Program. The author's return to the Program after a relapse underscores the importance of support and community in overcoming addiction. This journey highlights the need for ongoing self-reflection and the recognition that recovery is a lifelong process.

12. The Lifelong Learner: Finding Joy in New Skills

It turns out that learning new skills in midlife is a great way to feel young again.

The Value of Lifelong Learning. The author's embrace of new skills in midlife, from banjo lessons to tennis and EMT training, highlights the importance of lifelong learning and the way it can enrich our lives. This pursuit of knowledge and mastery is not just about acquiring new abilities but about maintaining a sense of curiosity and engagement with the world.

The Conscious Incompetence Stage. The author's experience with the Conscious Competence Learning Matrix reveals the challenges and rewards of learning new skills. The "Conscious Incompetence" stage, though often frustrating, is a necessary step on the path to mastery and a reminder that growth often involves discomfort and vulnerability.

The Therapeutic Power of Learning. The author's use of learning new skills as a way to cope with stress and creative blocks highlights the therapeutic power of engagement and the way it can provide a sense of purpose and accomplishment. This approach underscores the importance of finding activities that challenge us and bring us joy.

Last updated: February 3, 2025