When Friendship Hurts

1. Friendship is a vital relationship that can significantly impact our lives

Friends extend life and improve the quality of life.

Friendship benefits: Research has shown that having even one close friend can extend your life by up to ten years. Friends provide emotional support, enhance mental health, and increase the likelihood of recovering from illnesses such as breast cancer or heart attacks.

Defining friendship: A friendship is a relationship between two or more unrelated people that is:

• Optional or voluntary
• Not based on a legal contract
• Reciprocal

The basic elements of a positive friendship include:

• Trust
• Empathy
• Honesty
• Confidentiality
• Commonality
• Care and support

2. Recognize the different types of friends and their roles in your life

There are really three kinds of friendship: casual, close, and best.

Types of friends: Understanding the different levels of friendship can help you manage expectations and invest your time and energy appropriately.

• Casual friends: A step above acquaintances, with a bond but less intimacy than close friends
• Close friends: People you can share deep thoughts and secrets with, typically 4-6 in number
• Best friends: The premier friend(s) in your life, usually 1-2 people

Friendship groups: The dynamics of friendships can also vary based on the number of people involved:

• Twosomes (dyads): Most potential for intimacy and trust, but also most likely to dissolve if conflicts arise
• Threesomes (triads): Easier to maintain than dyads, but can lead to jealousy or competition
• Groups of four or more: Offer camaraderie and more choices for companionship, but with diminished intimacy

3. Be aware of potentially harmful friendships and learn to set boundaries

There are 21 distinctive friendship types which revolve around seven central issues—trust, empathy, honesty, confidentiality, competitiveness, acceptance, and the existence of appropriate boundaries.

Negative friendship types: Being aware of these types can help you identify potential issues in your friendships:

1. The Promise Breaker
2. The Taker
3. The Double-crosser
4. The Risk-taker
5. The Self-absorbed
6. The Cheat
7. The Discloser
8. The Competitor
9. The One-upper
10. The Rival

(and 11 more types discussed in the book)

Setting boundaries: When dealing with potentially harmful friends:

• Communicate your expectations clearly
• Limit the amount of personal information you share
• Be prepared to distance yourself if necessary
• Seek support from other positive relationships in your life

4. Understand the root causes of betrayal in friendships

Sometimes a friend might be asked for money but that decision is not the friend's to make.

Common causes of betrayal:

• Jealousy and envy
• Competitiveness
• Change in circumstances (e.g., job promotion, relocation)
• Poor self-esteem
• Unresolved childhood issues
• Mental health problems
• Addiction

Addressing betrayal: To deal with betrayal effectively:

1. Recognize your emotions and allow yourself to feel them
2. Try to understand the perspective of your friend
3. Communicate openly about the betrayal if possible
4. Decide whether the friendship is worth salvaging
5. Seek professional help if needed to process the experience

5. Develop strategies to cope with friendship conflicts and betrayals

Conflict patterns that reoccur with friend after friend will certainly be red flags to you, your friend, and your therapist that there are probably unresolved issues from the past impacting on current relationships.

Conflict resolution techniques:

1. Use the IBB model (interest-based bargaining)
2. Put yourself in your friend's situation
3. Listen carefully and thoughtfully
4. Take a cinematic view of the situation
5. Agree to disagree when necessary
6. Validate the relationship
7. Allow for a cooling-off period
8. Ask for understanding
9. Learn to say "I'm sorry" and accept apologies

Seeking help: If you're unable to resolve conflicts on your own, consider:

• Mediation from a mutual friend or family member
• Professional mediation services
• Individual or group therapy

6. Know when and how to end toxic friendships

Ending a friendship is not something to consider or do lightly.

Signs it's time to end a friendship:

• Constant disappointment or broken promises
• Betrayal of trust
• Emotional or physical abuse
• One-sided effort in maintaining the relationship
• Persistent negative impact on your well-being

Guidelines for ending a friendship:

1. Keep your decision private
2. Avoid bad-mouthing your former friend
3. Wind down the friendship gradually if possible
4. Keep emotions in check during any confrontation
5. Focus on the interaction, not the person, when explaining your decision
6. Be careful about what you say or do that could be used against you later
7. Remember that there are always two sides to every story

7. Cultivate positive friendships that enrich your life and career

"To have a friend, be a friend."

Characteristics of positive friendships:

• Mutual liking and enjoyment of each other's company
• Shared confidences, activities, and emotional support
• Trust, honesty, and loyalty
• Minimal jealousy and healthy competitiveness
• Consistent contact and kept promises
• Respect for boundaries and privacy

Steps to cultivate positive friendships:

1. Be open and accessible to new connections
2. Show genuine interest in others
3. Practice active listening
4. Be reliable and keep your commitments
5. Offer support during both good and challenging times
6. Respect differences and avoid judgment
7. Maintain regular contact and make time for your friends

8. Navigate the complexities of workplace friendships

Camaraderie or a casual friendship is fine, and an enhancement to productivity; close or best friendships, unless carefully managed, can interfere with the workplace, especially if confidential information, such as what salaries or bonuses someone is receiving, are shared and become the source of jealousy and envy.

Benefits of workplace friendships:

• Increased job satisfaction and productivity
• Lower employee turnover
• Enhanced teamwork and collaboration

Potential pitfalls:

• Conflicts of interest
• Favoritism or perceived favoritism
• Gossip and breach of confidentiality
• Difficulty in maintaining professional boundaries

Guidelines for workplace friendships:

1. Avoid creating exclusive cliques
2. Be cautious about sharing personal information
3. Maintain professionalism in all interactions
4. Be aware of company policies regarding workplace relationships
5. Address conflicts promptly and professionally

9. Reconnect with old friends mindfully and purposefully

Going backward to an old friend... may be unresolved issues that you still need to work out with this old friend.

Reasons to reconnect:

• Nostalgia and shared history
• Potential for personal growth
• Opportunity to resolve past conflicts
• Expanding your social network

Before reconnecting, ask yourself:

1. Did we have fun together?
2. Did this friend bring out the best in me?
3. Do I find myself missing this friend?
4. Have I tried to find this friend before?

Steps for reconnecting:

1. Reach out through social media or mutual acquaintances
2. Start with a casual message or email
3. Be prepared for changes in your friend's life and personality
4. Set realistic expectations for the renewed relationship
5. Take it slow and allow the friendship to develop naturally

10. Overcome fear of friendship and build self-esteem

Knowledge fosters power and self-confidence.

Common fears related to friendship:

• Fear of rejection
• Fear of intimacy
• Fear of betrayal
• Social anxiety

Strategies to overcome friendship fears:

1. Identify the root causes of your fears
2. Challenge negative self-talk and beliefs
3. Start with low-pressure social situations
4. Practice self-compassion and positive self-talk
5. Seek professional help if needed (e.g., therapy, support groups)

Building self-esteem:

• Set and achieve small, realistic goals
• Practice self-care and prioritize your well-being
• Surround yourself with positive, supportive people
• Celebrate your strengths and accomplishments
• Learn to accept compliments graciously

11. Make time for friends and prioritize meaningful connections

Used wisely, and not misused, the Internet can open up a world of new casual, close, or best friends, as well as functioning as a time-saving tool for keeping up with the friends you already have.

Strategies to make time for friends:

1. Schedule regular get-togethers or calls
2. Combine activities (e.g., exercise with a friend)
3. Use technology to stay connected (e.g., video calls, group chats)
4. Plan annual reunions or trips with friends
5. Create shared rituals or traditions

Balancing friendships with other commitments:

• Communicate openly about your availability and constraints
• Be flexible and understanding of your friends' schedules
• Quality over quantity: Make the time you spend together count
• Involve friends in your daily activities when possible
• Remember that friendships evolve and adapt to life changes

By prioritizing meaningful connections and implementing these strategies, you can cultivate and maintain enriching friendships throughout your life, even as other responsibilities and commitments change.

Last updated: August 21, 2024