You Got Anything Stronger?

1. Embrace Vulnerability as Your Superpower

Vulnerability will unlock everything that has been denied you.

Redefining strength. The author recounts a shaman's profound insight: vulnerability, often perceived as a weakness or "Kryptonite," is, in fact, a superpower. This realization challenges a lifetime of conditioning to hide emotional openness, especially for women and marginalized individuals who fear public humiliation or exploitation. Embracing vulnerability allows for deeper connections and healing from past traumas, shifting the perspective from self-protection to authentic self-expression.

Unlocking potential. By allowing herself to be emotionally transparent, the author experienced a natural shift, becoming more nurturing and forming deeper connections with her husband and children. This newfound feminine energy, previously discounted as a weakness, proved to be a source of strength and growth. It enabled her to break down emotional barriers, particularly with her stepchildren, fostering a more open and supportive family dynamic.

Healing and growth. Acknowledging vulnerability does not absolve others of accountability; rather, it empowers individuals to heal more fully from past hurts. This ongoing process involves unlearning ingrained habits, like dismissing pain or prioritizing external perceptions over internal truth. It encourages open communication of feelings, whether joy or hurt, fostering resilience through connection rather than through a stoic "toughen up" mentality.

2. The Unseen Labor and Value of Women

Most women’s work, whether it happens outside the home or in, is not seen.

Invisible efforts. The author highlights how women's extensive contributions, both professional and domestic, often go unnoticed and unacknowledged. This invisibility extends from the meticulous planning of an athlete's daily schedule, managed by a "small army of staff" (including the author), to the emotional labor of nurturing family relationships and managing household logistics. Unlike men, who can delegate power without losing authority, women are often criticized for "farming out responsibility" when they seek help.

Societal expectations. Society places immense pressure on women to excel in every domain—career, parenting, appearance, and household management—without showing any strain. This expectation creates a constant state of overextension, where any perceived failure is attributed solely to the mother. The author contrasts this with the lack of similar expectations for men, even those with significant family responsibilities, illustrating a fundamental disparity in how societal roles are perceived and valued.

Demanding recognition. The author's personal experience, particularly after the birth of her daughter and her husband's retirement, brought these disparities into sharp focus. When her work became the primary focus, the shift in family dynamics was challenging, revealing a power struggle rooted in ingrained gender roles. This led to the realization that women must actively demand "grace"—a combination of love and mercy—from their partners and communities, recognizing it as a renewable resource essential for navigating life's demands.

3. Reclaiming Your Narrative and Worth

I had to ask myself what I ask you now: What’s your worth versus what you take? And why?

Challenging external definitions. The author recounts her fertility journey, marked by numerous miscarriages and public scrutiny, where her body's "failures" were constantly highlighted. This experience, coupled with the pressure to use surrogacy, made her feel like a "pinch hitter" rather than a capable mother. She also reflects on the media's tendency to hijack narratives, as seen in the posthumous portrayal of her friend Joyce, whose vibrant life was twisted into a cautionary tale of "dying alone" due to a lack of traditional family.

Defining self-worth. For years, the author struggled to understand her own value, both financially and emotionally, often taking opportunities out of fear of "never working again." This fear was fueled by observing former celebrities who had fallen from grace, creating a terrifying "memento mori." However, through personal growth and solidarity with other women, she learned to challenge this fear-based approach and demand her true worth.

Empowerment through truth. Reclaiming one's narrative involves actively countering external judgments and societal expectations. Whether it's refusing to accept a lower paycheck due to age or challenging the notion that a woman's worth is tied to her marital status or ability to bear children, speaking one's truth is an act of empowerment. This process allows individuals to define success on their own terms, moving beyond the "crumbs" offered by a system not built for them.

4. Solidarity and Power in Numbers

Sometimes using your position of privilege isn’t to ensure your paycheck, it’s to ensure the next person’s paycheck.

Collective strength. The author illustrates the immense power of solidarity among women, particularly in the workplace. She shares an anecdote where a friend, a film producer, walked away from her dream project after being offered significantly less than a supporting actress, simply because of her age. This friend then alerted the author and other actresses, creating a united front where each woman demanded the same, fair compensation.

Challenging exploitation. This collective action forced the studio to meet the original producer's demands, ultimately paying her more than her initial ask. This experience underscored the importance of women openly discussing their salaries and workplace experiences to prevent exploitation. It also highlighted how marginalized individuals are often preyed upon, with companies using "magical Negro" tropes to check diversity boxes while underpaying and overworking them.

Beyond individual gain. The author emphasizes that true success involves more than personal achievement; it means ensuring that everyone has a fair share. By leveraging one's privilege to advocate for others, individuals can dismantle systems that perpetuate inequality. This solidarity helps overcome the fear of being labeled "uppity" or "difficult," fostering a collective strength that redefines worth and demands respect for all.

5. Navigating Racism and Anti-Blackness Globally

Black, brown, and gay people, need travel services that tell you, ‘These people don’t want you there. Fuck what the tourism bureau tells you—this is what will happen.’

Global prejudice. The author recounts a terrifying experience in Dubrovnik, Croatia, where she and her diverse group of friends encountered overt racism and neo-Nazis. What began as a fun trip to "King's Landing" quickly devolved into a harrowing escape from a bar decorated with Jim Crow memorabilia and patrons displaying swastika tattoos. This incident shattered the illusion that anti-Blackness and bigotry are confined to specific regions, revealing their pervasive global reach.

The illusion of escape. Growing up Black and/or queer in America, there's often a hope that "it must be better somewhere else." However, the experience in Croatia demonstrated that the white supremacy fueling colonialism has deeply ingrained anti-Blackness worldwide. The author and her friends, despite their fame and money, were reduced to targets of intimidation, highlighting that privilege does not always trump racial prejudice.

Constant readiness. The incident left the author in a state of "readiness," constantly holding her daughter close, metaphorically and literally, prepared for an unseen threat. This perpetual state of vigilance is a reality for Black women navigating the world, where their existence in public spaces can be met with hostility. The experience underscored the need for honest information about safe travel for marginalized communities, rather than relying on idealized tourism narratives.

6. Parenting with Unconditional Love and Acceptance

Whoever you are is exactly right, because that’s who you are.

Embracing authentic identity. The author shares her journey of parenting Zaya, who, from a young age, began to articulate her true identity. From identifying as "gay" in third grade to later coming out as a "straight trans girl" at twelve, Zaya consistently led her parents in understanding and acceptance. This process involved the author and Dwyane actively listening, learning, and challenging their own preconceived notions about gender and sexuality.

Creating a safe space. The family's response to Zaya's journey was marked by unconditional love and public support, culminating in Zaya's joyful participation in Miami Pride. This public affirmation, despite online hate and scrutiny, sent a clear message: "Don't try us. Our belief is stronger than your doubt." The author emphasizes the importance of creating a home environment where a child's peace is non-negotiable, providing nurturing and support often lacking outside the home.

Unlearning and growing. Parenting Zaya forced the author to confront her own assumptions about womanhood and the "performance of gender." She realized the need to teach her daughters that there's more than one way to be a woman, and that their identity is inherently "right." This ongoing process of unlearning and growth, guided by Zaya's authentic self, transformed the author's understanding of motherhood and self-acceptance.

7. The Audacity of Aging and Hope in Love

All I expect, and I would like to think deserve, is for my relationship to be treated with the same hope as any other.

Challenging ageism in relationships. The author candidly addresses the societal scrutiny and jokes surrounding her nine-year age gap with Dwyane Wade. She highlights the pervasive "What did you expect?" caveat applied to older women in relationships with younger men, implying they should anticipate heartbreak and not deserve compassion when things go wrong. This narrative dismisses the agency and emotional complexity of older women.

Rejecting the old contract. The author rejects this "old contract" that dictates the worth and expected outcomes of relationships involving older women. She proposes a "new contract" for friends and family, urging them to treat her relationship with the same hope and respect as any other. This contract emphasizes mutual trust, the right to change and grow, and the commitment of friends to offer unwavering support, not judgment, if a relationship dissolves.

Deserving hope. Despite the physical signs of aging and the societal pressures to remain "youthful," the author asserts her right to hope and believe in love. She acknowledges that Dwyane's life experiences, despite his younger age, brought a maturity that matched her own desire for stability. This perspective reframes the age difference not as a "time bomb," but as a unique dynamic where both partners can learn and grow, deserving of the same optimism as any other couple.

8. Confronting the Lies of "Balance"

“Balance” is actually a multilevel marketing program—what we used to call a pyramid scheme.

The myth of equilibrium. The author boldly declares that "balance" is a lie, a "multilevel marketing program" designed to keep women perpetually striving and feeling inadequate. She argues that society expects women to juggle an impossible array of responsibilities—career, family, appearance, household—without showing effort, leading to constant overextension and an underlying sense of rage. This relentless pursuit of an unattainable ideal leaves women feeling trapped and exhausted.

Systemic rigging. Even with significant advantages like paid caregivers, the author found herself overwhelmed when her career became the family's primary focus after her husband's retirement. She observed that men, like Dwyane, can delegate power without losing authority, while women are criticized for doing the same. This disparity highlights how the system is rigged against women, who are expected to be both present and productive, yet their efforts often remain invisible and unappreciated.

Seeking grace, not balance. Instead of chasing the elusive concept of balance, the author advocates for "grace"—a combination of love and mercy. This means acknowledging when one doesn't "have it today" and relying on a supportive network to pick up the slack, with the understanding that the favor will be returned. Grace offers a more realistic and sustainable approach to managing life's demands, fostering mutual support and self-compassion rather than perpetuating an exhausting and impossible ideal.

9. The Enduring Violence of Blackface and Blackfishing

Anything Black—an idea, a rhythm, a style, our souls—can be put to better use by a white person.

Exploitation of Blackness. The author exposes the insidious nature of blackface and blackfishing as modern forms of racial violence. She argues that these practices, disguised as "critique" or "celebration," are rooted in the historical dehumanization of Black people, where Black features, culture, and experiences are appropriated for white profit and entertainment. This occurs while Black individuals are simultaneously told to shed these very characteristics to gain acceptance.

Systemic complicity. The author critiques the entertainment industry's "Blackface Amnesty Day" in 2020, where shows quickly deleted episodes featuring blackface. She questions why "Standards and Practices" departments, which meticulously regulate other content, consistently overlooked the harm of blackface for decades, even after prominent Black comedians like Dave Chappelle spoke out. This suggests a willful indifference and a cultivated "absence of Black power" that allows such racism to persist.

The cost of silence. Speaking out against blackface and blackfishing often results in Black victims being portrayed as "bullies" or "too sensitive," while perpetrators are offered clemency. The author highlights how these practices contribute to the "dwarfing of Black souls" and the commodification of Black bodies, turning their pain into consumable trauma. She calls for accountability and truth, asserting that these acts are not just "jokes" but intentional inflictions of emotional distress with real consequences.

10. The Wisdom of Your Inner Voice (and Perimenopause)

The voice was still there as I did my googling. But the voice no longer knew everything, because I knew something.

A voice of wisdom. The author describes an inner voice that has guided her throughout her life, offering instinctual warnings and clear plans. However, during a period of intense hormonal fluctuation, this trusted voice began to tell her, "You should probably die," leading to passive suicidal ideation. This experience, initially confusing and isolating, revealed the profound impact of perimenopausal depression, a condition she had never heard of.

Invisible struggles. The author highlights the lack of awareness and research surrounding perimenopause and its mental health effects, particularly depression, anxiety, and insomnia. She notes that while suicide rates are highest for women aged 45-64, societal narratives often attribute women's depression to external factors like relationships, rather than internal hormonal changes. Science, she argues, has historically prioritized symptoms that matter to men, neglecting women's holistic well-being.

Overriding the system. Through therapy and research, the author learned to separate these symptoms from her true self, recognizing that her feelings of hopelessness were a temporary consequence of hormonal imbalance. This knowledge empowered her to seek holistic treatments and to challenge the inner voice that had once seemed infallible. Her experience underscores the importance of demanding language and research to address women's health issues, fostering connection and support rather than isolation and self-blame.

11. Finding Joy in the Present Moment

Why be miserly or fearful about joy when we have so much here in this second?

The immediacy of childhood. The author finds profound joy and a lesson in living in the present through her daughter, Kaavia James. Kaavia's uninhibited expressions of affection and her constant refrain of "Don't worry, Mommy" serve as a powerful reminder to embrace the "now" with abundance. Kaavia's deep attachment to her dolls, ensuring they are never separated, symbolizes a fierce loyalty and a desire for connection that resonates deeply with the author.

Unlearning fear. For much of her life, the author admits to being "miserly or fearful about joy," conditioned by experiences where happiness was often "snatched away." This led to a reluctance to fully embrace moments of happiness, fearing their inevitable loss. However, Kaavia's infectious laughter and her unwavering presence in the moment challenge this ingrained fear, encouraging the author to fully experience and share joy without reservation.

Authentic connection. Kaavia's "Mommy stage" initially made the author question if her daughter's affection was a response to her own stress or absence. However, she soon realized that Kaavia loved her simply "because I was? Who I am, where I am." This realization fosters a deeper, more authentic connection, free from the need to perform or earn love. It highlights that the most valuable moments are those shared in the immediate present, filled with genuine affection and unburdened by past fears or future anxieties.

Last updated: August 25, 2025