You Will Find Your People

1. Unrealistic Expectations Make Finding Friends Feel Impossible

No one tells you that the ages of eighteen to twenty-two are pretty much prime friendship real estate.

Media sets the stage. From childhood, TV and movies depict effortless, lifelong friendships formed early in life, leading many to believe these connections will automatically materialize in adulthood. This creates a sense of failure when reality doesn't match the fictional ideal. The author shares her own experience of expecting these perfect friend groups to just appear.

Missing the "prime time." The period between 18 and 22 is highlighted as a unique opportunity due to proximity to large groups of peers eager to form bonds. If you miss this window due to various life circumstances (trauma, different paths, etc.), finding friends later can feel like a cruel game where you didn't know the rules or that it had already started.

Beyond the tropes. Pop culture presents specific friend archetypes (steadfast fan, wild friend, unexpected friend) that people cling to, often in unhealthy ways, as proof they can "do" friendship. The author's personal history of relational disappointments, like friends moving or ending things abruptly, underscores the difficulty of finding lasting, healthy connections without a clear model or foundation.

2. Understand Different Friendship Archetypes and What You Truly Want

We rightly want everything we’ve read about and watched for years, all of the types of close-knit friends we’ve come to love in fiction, we want that for ourselves so much.

Defining friendship types. The book explores various friendship archetypes often seen in media and aspired to in real life: Casual Friends, Friends, The Friend Group, and Best Friend. Each offers different levels of intimacy, commitment, and support, with their own pros and cons.

The elusive group & best friend. Many yearn for the tight-knit friend group (like Friends or Sex and the City) or the singular "Best Friend" (Platonic Soulmate). These are often portrayed as effortless and always available, which is rarely the case in reality, making them feel like winning the lottery rather than an achievable goal.

Beyond the ideal. Recognizing that these archetypes are often unrealistic is crucial. The author shares her struggle with wanting the "One" best friend and investing everything, only to face disappointment. Understanding what you need from different levels of friendship, rather than chasing a media-driven ideal, is key to finding fulfilling connections.

3. Distance Friendships Can Be Meaningful, But May Not Be Enough

Putting up those walls keep out the bad, yes, but they can also keep out the good.

Safety in distance. The author reflects on a pattern of forming intimate friendships with people who live far away, stemming from a subconscious need for safety after past hurts. This distance provides a sense of belonging without the perceived danger of getting too close and being disappointed.

The paradox of online connection. Online communities and parasocial relationships offer instant connection and support, but can also feel tenuous and lack the depth of in-person interaction. Misunderstandings are common, and the fear of saying the wrong thing and being "ghosted" or rejected is very real, activating abandonment issues even with strangers.

Long-distance counts, but local matters. While long-distance friends are absolutely valid and can be deeply kindred spirits, it's also okay to still crave local friendships. These offer tangible support like showing up with soup or going to the hospital, shared spontaneous experiences, and the comfort of physical presence that distance cannot replicate.

4. Animals Offer Unconditional Love and Teach Us About Healthy Connection

Adopting this deeply loving, affectionate dog who wasn’t afraid to show how much she cared about me, and truly appreciated everything I did for her, was my first experience with consistency, my first experience with reciprocity.

A bridge to connection. For those who struggle with human connection due to past trauma or fear, animals can provide a safe space to experience unconditional love and consistency. The author's relationship with her dog, Lights, became a model for what healthy, reliable connection looks like.

Learning consistency and reciprocity. Animals are innately loving and appreciative, offering a predictable and reciprocal relationship. This contrasts with human relationships that may lack consistency or clear communication, helping to heal abandonment fears and demonstrate that steady love is possible.

Applying animal lessons to human bonds. Experiencing this reliable love from an animal can build trust and confidence, making it easier to believe that such connections can also exist with people. It helps differentiate personal fears (remnants of past hurts) from present reality, encouraging the pursuit of human friendships that offer similar safety and acceptance.

5. Beware of "Good on Paper" Friends Who Don't Deliver

current proof is worth far more than future potential.

The allure of potential. "Good on paper" friends seem like a perfect match based on shared interests or mutual connections, offering the exciting possibility of a great friendship. However, something feels off in practice, often due to fundamental incompatibilities in how you give and receive love or navigate the world.

Signs of a mismatch. These friendships often involve frequent misunderstandings, feeling like a sidekick rather than an equal, or noticing they treat others poorly despite being nice to you. The author's experience with Rosemary highlights how someone can promise support and care but fail to deliver when it truly matters, prioritizing their own needs or image.

Proof over promise. Clinging to good intentions or potential is less valuable than observing consistent behavior. Just as you wouldn't accept a job offer where payment is promised but never delivered, it's okay to recognize when a friend's actions don't match their words, even if it's not malicious. This realization helps define what you will no longer settle for.

6. Attachment Styles Deeply Impact Friendship Dynamics

Your feeling of “I have to do whatever I can to make this work, even to my own detriment” isn’t loyal friendship, it’s a familiar dynamic, subconsciously keeping you tethered to this person who may not be good for you.

Understanding attachment. Attachment theory explains how early relationships shape our ability to connect. Secure attachment allows for easy giving and receiving of love, while insecure styles (anxious, avoidant, or a mix) make closeness challenging, often leading to patterns like people-pleasing or retreating.

Anxious meets avoidant. The author, with an anxious attachment style (worrying about being too needy or abandoned), often attracts avoidant friends (who fear being trapped or needing things from others). This dynamic creates a push-and-pull where one seeks reassurance and the other retreats, making genuine safety and trust difficult without significant mutual effort and self-awareness.

Trauma bonds vs. healthy connection. Sometimes, what feels like "home" in a friendship is actually a trauma bond, replicating unhealthy dynamics from childhood. Recognizing this distinction is vital. While incompatible attachment styles can be worked through with communication and willingness, it's also okay to realize that some differences are too fundamental for a healthy, reciprocal friendship to thrive.

7. Learn to Identify and Clearly Ask for Your Needs

To me, it puts the onus on the person in pain to have the emotional energy, time, feelings of worthiness, and knowledge of what they need to ask for it—which I, rarely, if ever, have had all at the same time.

The burden of asking. Phrases like "If you need anything, call me" place the responsibility on the person struggling to articulate their needs, which is often impossible when they lack emotional energy, self-worth, or even knowledge of what help looks like. The author's experience with bandmates highlights this disconnect.

Beyond visible pain. Friends may know how to help with simple issues (a broken arm) but freeze when faced with complex, invisible struggles like mental health crises. They may not know what to do, leading to inaction or platitudes, which feels like abandonment to the person in need.

Proactive support & communication. Instead of waiting for someone to ask, offer specific help (bringing food, listening, finding resources). It's okay to admit you don't know what to say, but silence or changing the subject is hurtful. Learning to communicate your needs, even if it feels like whispering, is crucial, and friends who truly care will make an effort to hear and meet them, or communicate their own limitations respectfully.

8. Friendships Are Complex Relationships That Require Work and Boundaries

It IS hard sometimes. It DOES take work, and hopefully, it is work worth doing.

Friendships are not effortless. Society often portrays friendships as easy and automatic, unlike romantic relationships which are acknowledged as requiring effort. This leads to a sense of failure when friendships encounter challenges, change, or require conscious communication and boundaries.

Choosing each other. Like romantic partners, friends must actively choose each other, navigate bumps, and adapt as individuals and the relationship evolves. Viewing friendships as relationships validates the work involved and removes the stigma of needing to address issues or set boundaries.

Boundaries are essential. Whether with family, coworkers, roommates, or friends, boundaries are crucial for healthy relationships. They define what is acceptable and ensure mutual respect. Setting boundaries isn't antagonistic; it's a necessary part of ensuring both people feel safe and cared for within the friendship dynamic.

9. Navigating Friendships in Specific Contexts Requires Awareness

We romanticize and idealize this seemingly very easy thing where we’re best, best friends with the people in the spaces where we often spend the most time: our workplaces and our homes.

Roommate dynamics. Living with friends offers convenience and built-in support (lazy brunches, outfit checks, someone to worry if you don't come home). However, it also brings challenges like needing alone time, navigating shared finances, and potential conflict impacting your living situation. Clear communication is vital.

Coworker connections. Work friendships can create a supportive environment and even career advantages. But they also carry risks:

• Navigating office cliques and alliances
• Uncertainty about whether connections are genuine friendship or networking
• Difficulty leaving a bad job because friends are there
• Fallout if work friendships end, potentially impacting your professional life

Family as friends. Being friends with family is often idealized but can be the most complex due to shared history and ingrained dynamics. While offering deep, lifelong connection, it requires significant boundaries and navigating potential conflict that can involve multiple family members. Your needs are valid, even if they differ from family expectations.

10. Healthy Conflict Strengthens Bonds; Constant Fighting Is a Warning Sign

Healthy fighting should be productive, not punitive.

Fighting is normal. Contrary to media portrayals of friends who never fight, conflict is a natural part of any close relationship. Avoiding conflict by bottling up frustrations prevents issues from being addressed and can lead to resentment or the eventual breakdown of the friendship.

Productive vs. toxic conflict. Healthy fighting involves expressing needs and feelings respectfully, aiming for understanding and resolution. It's an opportunity for deeper intimacy and setting boundaries. Toxic fighting, however, is punitive, blaming, and constantly leaves you feeling drained or hurt, indicating a potential issue with the friendship itself.

Gathering information. Conflict, when approached constructively, provides valuable information about the health of the friendship and whether both people are willing and able to work through challenges. If attempts to communicate and resolve conflict fail repeatedly, it may be a sign that the friendship is fundamentally incompatible or no longer serving you.

11. Friend Breakups Are Painful Grief, But Necessary for Growth

Just because your friend left without warning doesn’t mean that you are bad or that you deserve to be abandoned.

Grief is real. Friend breakups, whether due to drifting apart, conflict, or one person leaving, cause significant pain and grief comparable to romantic breakups. Society often lacks a protocol for this loss, leaving individuals feeling isolated in their mourning.

Outgrowing connections. As you heal and grow, you may find that friends you bonded with over shared past wounds no longer fit into your life. This isn't a failure; it's a sign of personal progress. While painful to leave people behind, it creates space for new, healthier connections that align with who you are becoming.

Letting go. If a friend leaves without explanation, chasing them rarely provides closure. It's often about their own issues or inability to communicate. Recognizing when a friendship is no longer working, even if it's not overtly toxic, is an act of self-compassion. Ending it, even with grief, allows both people to seek relationships that are a better fit.

12. Life Changes Like Marriage and Kids Impact Friendships

We made a deal ages ago. Men, babies, it doesn’t matter. . . . We’re soulmates.

Shifting dynamics. Major life changes like getting married, finding a partner, or having children inevitably alter friendship dynamics. The extent of the impact depends on factors like the length and depth of the friendship, and whether the friends are in similar life phases.

Navigating feelings. It's normal to feel a mix of happiness for your friend and personal sadness or jealousy if you desire similar experiences but haven't achieved them. These feelings are valid, provided you remain kind to your friend. Abandonment issues can surface as the friend's time and focus shift.

Adjusting expectations. As friends enter new phases, their availability and priorities change. This requires adjusting expectations for the friendship. While challenging, it doesn't necessarily mean the friendship is over, but rather that it needs to evolve. Open communication about needs and capacities is key to maintaining the bond through different life stages.

Last updated: May 4, 2025