Your Pocket Therapist

1. Uncover the Root: Problems are Signposts, Not the Core Issue

Your problems are signposts that something is going on underneath. They are the tip of the iceberg.

Surface vs. Depth. Many of our struggles, such as overeating, addiction, or relationship issues, are merely symptoms of deeper, unresolved emotional pain. Addressing these surface-level problems without understanding their root causes is like treating a fever without addressing the underlying infection. True healing requires digging beneath the surface to identify and address the core issues driving these behaviors.

The Iceberg Analogy. The conscious mind represents only a small fraction of our mental landscape, like the tip of an iceberg. The unconscious mind, which holds our repressed emotions, past traumas, and limiting beliefs, lies beneath the surface, exerting a powerful influence on our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. To achieve lasting change, we must explore this hidden realm and bring its contents into conscious awareness.

Therapy as Excavation. Therapy provides tools to look inside and see what's going on below the surface. It's a process of excavation, uncovering the hidden emotions and experiences that drive our problematic behaviors. This journey of self-discovery can be painful, but it is essential for deep transformation to occur.

2. Childhood Echoes: How Early Experiences Shape Adult Struggles

For a baby to stay alive, it needs to maintain the connection to its parents. It needs to be loved.

Early Brain Development. The majority of brain development occurs between birth and age three, making early childhood experiences particularly influential in shaping our personalities, beliefs, and relationship patterns. Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) can have long-lasting effects on mental and physical health, increasing the risk of anxiety, depression, heart disease, and other chronic conditions.

Survival vs. Happiness. As children, we are primarily concerned with survival, which means maintaining a connection with our caregivers. We learn to suppress any feelings or behaviors that might threaten this connection, pushing them into the unconscious. These repressed emotions and beliefs can continue to influence our adult lives, even if we are not consciously aware of them.

The Impact of "Good" Childhoods. Even those with seemingly positive childhoods may have experienced subtle forms of emotional neglect or invalidation that can impact their mental health. Being encouraged to be happy all the time, having high expectations placed upon us, or growing up in a culture that differs from those around us can all contribute to repressed emotions and limiting beliefs.

3. Feel Your Way Through: Emotional Repression and the Path to Healing

Understanding yourself is not so much about knowing why, but about feeling why.

Energy in Motion. Emotions are not abstract concepts but rather physical sensations, energy moving through the body. When we repress our emotions, we expend a tremendous amount of energy to keep them down, leading to exhaustion, numbness, and depression. Allowing ourselves to feel our emotions, even the painful ones, releases this energy and promotes healing.

Connecting to Your Body. To access repressed emotions, we must tune into our bodies and pay attention to physical sensations. Techniques such as journaling, breathwork, and free association can help us connect with our deeper feelings and bring them into conscious awareness.

The Messy Process of Healing. Healing is not a linear process but rather a messy, iterative journey. There will be times when we feel overwhelmed, triggered, or tempted to revert to old coping mechanisms. It is important to be patient with ourselves, to practice self-compassion, and to remember that setbacks are a normal part of the healing process.

4. Anxiety's Deceptive Calm: Recognizing and Addressing Underlying Fears

Anxiety can be a mechanism to avoid the deeper and more difficult feelings or memories in our unconscious.

Anxiety as a Signal. Anxiety is not a core emotion but rather a symptom of underlying fears and insecurities. It can manifest in various ways, such as ruminating thoughts, health worries, social anxiety, or obsessive behaviors. Instead of trying to suppress anxiety, we should listen to it as a signal that something is not quite right.

The Catastrophe That's Already Happened. Anxious thoughts often stem from past experiences, particularly those that threatened our sense of safety and security. We project these past traumas onto the future, fearing that something bad is going to happen again. By processing these past experiences, we can relocate our fears back where they belong and free ourselves from the grip of anxiety.

Control and Boundaries. Anxiety can also be a way of trying to maintain control in a world that feels unpredictable and unsafe. Setting healthy boundaries, both with ourselves and with others, can help us feel more empowered and in control, thereby reducing anxiety.

5. Trauma's Silent Language: The Body Remembers What the Mind Forgets

If you don’t feel your feelings, someone else feels them for you.

The Body Keeps the Score. Trauma, whether big-T or small-t, can have a profound impact on the body, dysregulating the nervous system and leading to chronic stress, pain, and illness. Even if we don't consciously remember a traumatic event, our bodies may still hold the memory of it, expressing it through physical symptoms.

Fear Responses. When faced with a threat, our bodies activate the fear response, which can manifest as fight, flight, freeze, flop, or fawn. If we are unable to process the emotions associated with the threat, our nervous system can get stuck in fear mode, leading to hyperarousal or hypoarousal.

Healing the Nervous System. Healing from trauma involves reconnecting with our bodies, learning to regulate our nervous systems, and processing the emotions that have been trapped for so long. Practices such as mindfulness, breathwork, and movement can help us feel safe in our bodies and release the trauma.

6. Addiction's False Comfort: Understanding and Breaking Free from Compulsive Behaviors

The opposite of addiction is connection.

Addiction as a Coping Mechanism. Addiction is not a moral failing but rather a coping mechanism used to manage psychological pain. Whether it's substance abuse, overeating, gambling, or workaholism, addictive behaviors provide temporary relief from difficult emotions and thoughts. To break free from addiction, we must understand the underlying pain it is masking.

The Hole of Care and Attention. Addictions often stem from deficits in early relationships, a lack of care and attention that leaves us feeling empty and unfulfilled. The addictive substance or behavior becomes a pseudo-mother, providing a sense of comfort and soothing that we never received as children.

The Antidote to Addiction. The opposite of addiction is connection, both to ourselves and to others. By connecting with our vulnerable parts, expressing our feelings, and building meaningful relationships, we can fill the void that addiction seeks to fill and find healthier ways to cope with pain.

7. The Inner Critic's Origins: From External Judgments to Self-Compassion

An inner critic is always an outer critic who has been internalized.

The Echo of External Voices. Our inner critic is not an inherent part of our being but rather an internalized voice that reflects the judgments and criticisms we have received from others, particularly our parents, teachers, and peers. These external voices become our internal saboteur, constantly reminding us of our flaws and shortcomings.

The Moral Defense. As children, we often blame ourselves for the negative experiences we have with our caregivers, believing that if we were better, we would be loved and accepted. This "moral defense" allows us to maintain the illusion that our parents are good, even when they are not meeting our needs.

From Self-Criticism to Self-Compassion. To quiet the inner critic, we must first identify its origins and recognize that its judgments are not our own. We can then begin to challenge these judgments and replace them with self-compassion, treating ourselves with the same kindness and understanding we would offer a friend.

8. Single, Not Sorry: Embracing Solitude and Building a Fulfilling Life

We are not made to be completely independent from each other; we’re made for connection.

The Myth of Self-Sufficiency. In a society that often equates happiness with romantic relationships, it can be difficult to embrace singlehood. However, it is important to recognize that we are wired for connection and that needing relationships is just as valid as needing to eat or breathe.

Building a Village. To thrive as a single person, it is essential to build a fulfilling life outside of romantic relationships. This involves nurturing friendships, pursuing hobbies, connecting with family, and engaging in activities that bring us joy and meaning.

Challenging Societal Expectations. It is important to challenge the societal pressures that tell us we must be in a relationship to be happy. By embracing our singlehood and building a fulfilling life on our own terms, we can create a sense of wholeness and independence that allows us to enter into future relationships from a place of strength and abundance.

9. Fantasy vs. Reality: Why Idealizing Relationships Can Sabotage Them

Fantasy relationships are a defense against intimacy.

The Allure of the Ideal. Many of us enter into relationships with unrealistic expectations, seeking a perfect partner who will fulfill all of our needs and desires. This idealization can set us up for disappointment and sabotage our chances of building a lasting connection.

The Fear of Intimacy. Fantasy relationships can also serve as a defense against intimacy, allowing us to avoid the vulnerability and risk that come with real connection. By chasing unavailable partners or creating idealized versions of our relationships in our minds, we can protect ourselves from the pain of rejection and loss.

From Fantasy to Reality. To move from fantasy relationships to real ones, we must be willing to let go of our unrealistic expectations and embrace the imperfections of ourselves and others. This involves accepting that relationships require work, compromise, and a willingness to face difficult emotions.

10. The Mirror of Relationships: How Others Reflect Our Unhealed Wounds

Relationships hold up a mirror to what needs healing.

Relationships as Triggers. Romantic relationships, in particular, have a way of triggering our deepest insecurities and unresolved traumas. They can bring up issues related to attachment, boundaries, self-worth, and communication, forcing us to confront the parts of ourselves we have been trying to avoid.

Projection and Transference. In relationships, we often project our own disowned qualities onto our partners, seeing them not as they are but as we are. We may also transfer feelings and patterns from past relationships onto our current ones, repeating old dynamics without realizing it.

The Path to Healing. By reflecting on our relationships and becoming aware of our projections and transferences, we can gain valuable insights into our own unhealed wounds. This self-awareness allows us to take responsibility for our part in the relationship dynamics and to begin the process of healing.

11. Communication is Key: Navigating Conflict and Building Intimacy

If you don’t feel your feelings, someone else feels them for you

The Art of Vulnerable Communication. Open and honest communication is essential for building intimacy and resolving conflict in relationships. This involves expressing our feelings, needs, and boundaries in a clear and respectful manner, while also listening to and validating our partner's perspective.

Breaking the Cycle of Blame. Instead of blaming our partners for our problems, we must take responsibility for our own emotions and behaviors. This involves using "I feel" statements, avoiding accusatory language, and focusing on finding solutions together.

Rupture and Repair. Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but it is how we repair these ruptures that determines the strength and resilience of the bond. This involves acknowledging our mistakes, apologizing sincerely, and making amends for our actions.

12. Grieving and Growing: Finding Strength After Loss

We cannot undo trauma, but we can find a way to live well with it.

The Many Faces of Grief. Loss, whether through death, break-up, or friendship ending, is a universal human experience. Grief can manifest in various ways, such as sadness, anger, denial, bargaining, and acceptance. It is important to allow ourselves to feel these emotions fully, without judgment or resistance.

The Importance of Acceptance. Acceptance is not about condoning what happened or pretending that it didn't hurt. It is about acknowledging the reality of the loss and finding a way to move forward, even though things will never be the same.

Rebuilding and Reimagining. After a loss, it is important to rebuild our lives and reimagine our future. This involves setting new goals, pursuing new interests, and connecting with new people. While the pain of loss may never fully disappear, it can become a source of strength and resilience, allowing us to grow and evolve in unexpected ways.

Last updated: April 11, 2025