Securely Attached

1. What is Securely Attached by Mike Berry about?

• Focus on childhood trauma: Securely Attached explores how understanding childhood trauma can transform parenting, especially for adoptive and foster parents.
• Attachment and brain science: The book explains how trauma impacts children’s brain development and their ability to form secure attachments.
• Practical and personal: Mike and Kristin Berry blend scientific research, therapeutic insights, and their own experiences as adoptive and foster parents to offer actionable advice.

2. Why should I read Securely Attached by Mike Berry?

• Comprehensive trauma resource: The book combines research, real-life stories, and practical strategies, making it a valuable guide for foster and adoptive parents.
• Empowerment and understanding: It helps parents shift their perspective from seeing “bad behavior” to recognizing trauma responses, empowering them to respond with empathy.
• Support and encouragement: Readers gain tools to help children heal, build healthy attachments, and find hope and validation for their unique parenting journey.

3. What are the key takeaways from Securely Attached by Mike Berry?

• Regulation before correction: Helping children re-regulate emotionally is the first step before addressing behavior, preventing escalation and building trust.
• Detective work is essential: Identifying triggers and early warning signs through observation and documentation helps prevent meltdowns.
• Co-regulation leads to self-regulation: Caregivers must help children manage emotions until they can do it independently, with connection and patience as the foundation.
• Self-care for caregivers: Parents must regulate their own emotions and practice self-care to sustain their caregiving role and model healthy behavior.

4. How does Securely Attached by Mike Berry define trauma and its impact on children?

• Broad definition of trauma: Trauma includes acute (single event) and chronic (ongoing) experiences, and even seemingly minor events can be traumatic depending on a child’s history.
• Brain changes: Trauma affects the brain stem (survival), amygdala (alarm), and prefrontal cortex (reasoning), often causing children to operate in survival mode.
• Trauma as a filter: Children with trauma perceive everyday experiences differently, often reacting in ways that seem exaggerated or confusing to caregivers.

5. How does trauma disrupt attachment according to Securely Attached by Mike Berry?

• Attachment built on trust: Trauma, especially loss or separation from biological parents, disrupts the natural process of forming secure attachments by creating fear and mistrust.
• Survival mode overrides connection: When children are stuck in survival mode, higher brain functions responsible for attachment and reasoning are suppressed.
• Constant fear and uncertainty: Children with insecure attachments may feel like they’re living in a “haunted house,” making it difficult to connect with caregivers even in safe environments.

6. What is resiliency and how does Securely Attached by Mike Berry suggest it can be built in trauma-impacted children?

• Resiliency defined: Resiliency is the ability to bounce back from adversity, but it is not automatic in children with trauma histories.
• Built through relationships: Consistent care, healthy attachments, and a safe environment help children develop resiliency over time.
• Chronic trauma challenges: Children with chronic trauma need intentional support to develop the capacity to recover from stress, as their “rubber bands” are overstretched.

7. How does Securely Attached by Mike Berry explain the difference between “bad behavior” and trauma-related behavior?

• Behavior as communication: Many challenging behaviors are survival responses or symptoms of dysregulation, not willful disobedience.
• Consider underlying issues: Trauma, sensory needs, executive functioning challenges, and unmet physical or emotional needs can all influence behavior.
• Look beyond the surface: Parents are encouraged to assess root causes before labeling behavior as “bad,” shifting from punishment to understanding.

8. What detective work does Securely Attached by Mike Berry recommend for understanding children’s behaviors?

• Observe and document: Caregivers should carefully observe, listen, and keep records of behaviors to identify patterns and triggers.
• Use the five senses: Paying attention to what the child experiences through touch, taste, smell, sight, and sound can reveal important clues.
• Empower children: Teaching emotional language and body awareness helps children recognize and communicate their feelings and needs.

9. What is co-regulation and how does Securely Attached by Mike Berry recommend using it to help children?

• Co-regulation defined: Co-regulation is when caregivers take the lead in helping children manage emotions, especially when children cannot do so themselves.
• Connection is key: Staying close and connected, even when a child pushes away, helps them return to a regulated state and builds trust.
• Developmentally appropriate: The book provides age-specific strategies for co-regulation, from infancy through adolescence, and emphasizes teaching emotional language for eventual self-regulation.

10. What prevention and intervention strategies does Securely Attached by Mike Berry recommend for managing trauma behaviors?

• Prevention through de-escalation: Caregivers can reduce challenging behaviors by managing their own emotions, maintaining consistency, and creating safe, predictable environments.
• Intervention for re-regulation: When behaviors escalate, focus on calming the child and returning them to baseline before addressing the behavior.
• Attachment-centered approach: Strategies prioritize connection and understanding over punishment, reinforcing secure attachments and long-term healing.

11. How does Securely Attached by Mike Berry advise parents to manage crisis behaviors and ensure safety?

• Stay calm and self-regulate: Caregivers must manage their own emotions to avoid escalating the situation and set a calm tone.
• Prioritize safety: Immediate safety for the child and others is paramount, which may involve removing dangerous objects or separating individuals.
• Use a safety plan: Families should have a clear, agreed-upon safety plan, including code words or exit strategies, and seek outside support when needed.

12. What self-care and advocacy strategies does Securely Attached by Mike Berry recommend for caregivers?

• Know your triggers: Caregivers should understand their own emotional responses and use calming techniques like deep breathing or taking breaks.
• Build a support network: Connecting with trusted, nonjudgmental people provides emotional relief and perspective.
• Advocate effectively: Be prepared, informed, and respectful when communicating with professionals, and share only necessary information to protect the child’s privacy.
• Self-care is essential: Prioritizing self-care enables caregivers to sustain their role and model healthy regulation for their children.