We Do

What's "We Do" by Stan Tatkin about?

• Focus on Relationships: "We Do" is a guide to building and maintaining a secure-functioning relationship, emphasizing the importance of mutual understanding and collaboration between partners.
• Preventative Approach: The book advocates for a preventative approach to relationship issues, suggesting that understanding and preparation can prevent common pitfalls in marriages.
• Psychobiological Approach: Tatkin introduces a psychobiological approach to couple therapy, which considers both psychological and biological factors in how partners connect and relate.
• Secure Functioning: The core message is about creating a "we do" mindset, where both partners work together as a team, rather than focusing on individual needs.

Why should I read "We Do" by Stan Tatkin?

• Expert Insights: Stan Tatkin is a seasoned couple therapist, offering insights based on years of experience and research in the field of relationships.
• Practical Exercises: The book includes numerous exercises and practical advice to help couples strengthen their bond and resolve conflicts effectively.
• Comprehensive Guidance: It covers a wide range of topics, from managing negative brain patterns to understanding attachment styles, making it a comprehensive guide for couples.
• Focus on Prevention: Tatkin emphasizes the importance of addressing potential issues before they become major problems, which can save couples time and grief.

What are the key takeaways of "We Do" by Stan Tatkin?

• Secure Functioning: The importance of creating a secure-functioning relationship where both partners feel safe, secure, and valued.
• Couple Bubble: The concept of a "couple bubble" that protects the relationship from external threats and ensures mutual support.
• Attachment Styles: Understanding your and your partner's attachment styles can significantly impact how you relate to each other.
• Communication and Conflict Resolution: Effective communication and the ability to resolve conflicts quickly and fairly are crucial for a healthy relationship.

What is the "Couple Bubble" concept in "We Do"?

• Protective Space: The couple bubble is a self-generated energy system that provides resources and protection to the couple, creating a safe space for both partners.
• Mutual Stewardship: Both partners are stewards of this ecosystem, responsible for maintaining its health and vitality.
• Place of Rest and Vitality: It is a place for rest, relaxation, and restoration, as well as for vitality, encouragement, and full faith in your partner.
• Existential Fears Off the Table: In a strong couple bubble, existential fears and concerns are taken off the table, allowing partners to focus on growth and connection.

How does Stan Tatkin define "Secure Functioning" in relationships?

• Safety and Security: Secure functioning relationships provide safety and security, ensuring both partners feel protected and valued.
• Co-management of Emotions: Partners co-manage each other's emotional states, supporting each other through life's challenges.
• Collaboration and Cooperation: These relationships are collaborative and cooperative, with both partners working together as a team.
• Shared Principles: Secure functioning involves shared principles of purpose and vision, guiding the relationship toward mutual goals.

What are the different attachment styles discussed in "We Do"?

• Anchors: Secure individuals who are comfortable with both closeness and independence, valuing relationships and collaboration.
• Islands: Avoidant individuals who value independence and may struggle with intimacy and emotional expression.
• Waves: Ambivalent individuals who seek closeness but may also fear rejection, often experiencing emotional highs and lows.
• Understanding Impact: Recognizing these styles helps partners understand their behaviors and improve their relationship dynamics.

How does "We Do" address conflict resolution in relationships?

• Lead with Relief: Tatkin advises leading with relief, addressing your partner's concerns first to disarm potential conflict.
• Keep It Short: During distress, keep conversations short and focused, aiming for quick resolution and mutual relief.
• Face-to-Face Communication: Emphasizes the importance of face-to-face communication to maintain connection and understanding.
• One Issue at a Time: Focus on resolving one issue at a time to prevent overwhelming the relationship with multiple conflicts.

What role does communication play in "We Do"?

• Signal-Response System: Effective communication involves understanding and responding to your partner's signals, both verbal and nonverbal.
• Avoid Misunderstandings: Recognizing the potential for misunderstandings due to memory and perception issues is crucial.
• Be Clear and Concise: Tatkin emphasizes the importance of being clear and concise in communication to avoid confusion and conflict.
• Continuous Improvement: Encourages couples to continuously improve their communication skills to strengthen their relationship.

How does "We Do" suggest couples manage their "Negative Brain"?

• Understanding Primitives and Ambassadors: The book explains the brain's primitives (automatic responses) and ambassadors (thought-based responses) and their impact on relationships.
• Negativity Bias: Recognizes the brain's tendency to focus on negative experiences and offers strategies to counteract this bias.
• Arousal Regulation: Emphasizes the importance of regulating emotional arousal to maintain a healthy relationship dynamic.
• Mindfulness Practices: Suggests mindfulness practices to help manage negative thoughts and improve emotional regulation.

What are some exercises from "We Do" to strengthen relationships?

• Collaborative Narratives: Practice telling a story together to improve collaboration and understanding.
• Proximity Seeking: Count how often you seek physical or emotional closeness with your partner to understand your attachment style.
• Becoming an Expert on Your Partner: Engage in exercises to learn more about your partner's preferences, fears, and desires.
• Naikan Exercise: Practice gratitude by reflecting on what your partner has given you and the trouble you may have caused them.

What are the best quotes from "We Do" and what do they mean?

• "We do means just that. We either do this together, as a team, or we don’t do this at all." This quote emphasizes the importance of teamwork and mutual effort in a relationship.
• "The mark of a good couple is how much load bearing the partnership can take without crumbling." Highlights the resilience required in a relationship to withstand life's challenges.
• "Secure functioning means that you both have put all your money, all your bets, on the other." Stresses the importance of trust and commitment in a secure-functioning relationship.
• "You can be right or you can be in a relationship." Suggests that prioritizing the relationship over being right is crucial for long-term success.

How does "We Do" address the topic of sex in relationships?

• Importance of Intimacy: Sex is seen as a vital component of a healthy relationship, building trust and intimacy between partners.
• Communication About Sex: Encourages open communication about sexual preferences, desires, and any issues that may arise.
• Addressing Sexual Issues: Offers guidance on addressing common sexual issues, such as differences in libido or sexual preferences.
• Sex as Healing: Highlights the healing potential of sex in resolving past emotional and sexual injuries.