101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged

1. Marriage is a covenant, not just a contract

"A Christian marriage is a total commitment of two people to the person of Jesus Christ and to each other. It is a commitment in which nothing is held back."

Sacred bond. Marriage, in its truest form, transcends legal obligations. It's a sacred covenant before God, involving unconditional commitment and self-giving love. This perspective shifts the focus from personal rights to mutual responsibilities and shared growth.

Transformative journey. Viewing marriage as a covenant encourages couples to see it as a lifelong journey of transformation. It's not just about happiness, but holiness - becoming the individuals and couple God intends. This mindset fosters resilience, forgiveness, and a willingness to work through challenges together.

2. Effective communication is the lifeblood of marriage

"Communication is to love what blood is to life."

Active listening. The foundation of effective marital communication is active listening. This involves:

• Giving full attention without interrupting
• Seeking to understand before being understood
• Reflecting back what you've heard to ensure clarity
• Asking clarifying questions

Honesty and openness. Cultivate an atmosphere of trust where both partners feel safe to express their thoughts, feelings, and needs without fear of judgment or rejection. Practice vulnerability and transparency, even when it's uncomfortable.

Non-verbal cues. Remember that communication goes beyond words. Pay attention to tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language. These non-verbal cues often convey more than words alone and can greatly impact the quality of your interactions.

3. Embrace differences to strengthen your relationship

"We marry for our similarities. We stay together for our differences."

Complementary strengths. Recognize that your differences can be assets, not liabilities. Each partner brings unique qualities, perspectives, and skills to the relationship. Embrace these differences as opportunities for growth, learning, and mutual support.

Cultivate appreciation. Instead of trying to change your spouse, focus on appreciating their unique qualities. Practice gratitude for the ways your partner's differences enhance your life and relationship. This shift in perspective can transform potential sources of conflict into catalysts for deeper connection.

Teamwork approach. Leverage your differences to become a more effective team:

• Divide responsibilities based on individual strengths
• Seek your partner's input in areas where they excel
• Learn from each other's diverse experiences and viewpoints

4. Manage conflict constructively for marital growth

"Conflict is a natural part of growth and family living."

Healthy conflict resolution. Approach disagreements as opportunities for growth and deeper understanding. Key strategies include:

• Choosing the right time and place for discussions
• Using "I" statements to express feelings without blame
• Focusing on the issue at hand, not past grievances
• Seeking win-win solutions
• Taking breaks when emotions run high

Underlying issues. Recognize that many conflicts are symptoms of deeper issues or unmet needs. Strive to identify and address these root causes rather than just dealing with surface-level disagreements.

Forgiveness and repair. Make a commitment to forgive quickly and repair relationship damage after conflicts. This involves:

• Apologizing sincerely when you've hurt your partner
• Accepting apologies graciously
• Taking concrete actions to rebuild trust and connection

5. Establish shared financial goals and practices

"Plan your budget together. Hold a definite date together—seek agreement and cooperation. Make decisions together."

Financial transparency. Create a foundation of trust by being fully transparent about your financial situation, including debts, assets, and spending habits. Regularly discuss your financial goals, concerns, and progress as a team.

Budgeting and planning. Work together to create a realistic budget that aligns with your shared values and goals. Key steps include:

• Tracking expenses for several months to understand spending patterns
• Setting clear financial priorities and goals
• Allocating funds for savings, debt repayment, and discretionary spending
• Regularly reviewing and adjusting your budget as needed

Financial roles. Determine how you'll divide financial responsibilities based on each partner's strengths and preferences. This might include:

• Who will pay bills and manage day-to-day finances
• How major financial decisions will be made
• Setting spending limits that require joint approval

6. Cultivate a fulfilling sexual relationship

"Sex is your good gift, O God, to enrich life, to continue the race, to communicate, to show me who I am, to reveal my mate, to cleanse through 'one flesh.'"

Open communication. Foster an environment of trust and openness where you can freely discuss your sexual desires, concerns, and boundaries. Regular, honest conversations about intimacy help build a stronger connection and ensure both partners' needs are met.

Holistic approach. Recognize that a fulfilling sex life is built on a foundation of emotional intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Prioritize nurturing your overall relationship, not just physical intimacy.

Continuous learning. Approach your sexual relationship with a growth mindset:

• Educate yourselves about sexual health and pleasure
• Be willing to try new things and explore together
• Address any issues or challenges promptly, seeking professional help if needed

7. Nurture spiritual intimacy as the foundation of marriage

"Spiritual intimacy is a heart's desire to be close to God and submit to His direction for your lives."

Shared faith practices. Develop habits that foster spiritual connection as a couple:

• Praying together regularly
• Reading and discussing scripture
• Attending worship services as a family
• Serving others in your community

Individual growth. Encourage each other's personal spiritual development. This might involve:

• Supporting individual prayer and study time
• Discussing insights from personal devotions
• Attending retreats or workshops together

God-centered decisions. Make a commitment to seek God's guidance in all major life decisions. This involves:

• Praying for wisdom and discernment
• Aligning choices with biblical principles
• Seeking counsel from mature believers when needed

8. Set clear expectations and roles in your partnership

"Failure to clarify the husband/wife roles in a relationship is a major cause of marital disruption."

Open dialogue. Have honest conversations about your expectations for various aspects of married life, including:

• Division of household responsibilities
• Career and personal goals
• Parenting philosophies
• Social and family commitments

Flexibility and adaptability. Recognize that roles and expectations may need to evolve over time. Be willing to reassess and adjust as circumstances change and you grow individually and as a couple.

Mutual support. Strive for a partnership where both spouses feel valued and supported in their roles. This involves:

• Expressing appreciation for each other's contributions
• Offering help and encouragement in challenging areas
• Celebrating each other's successes and growth

9. Develop a shared vision for your future together

"Vision is specific, detailed, customized, sometimes time-specific, and measurable. Vision is a way of describing the activity and development of a marriage."

Dream together. Set aside dedicated time to discuss your hopes, dreams, and goals for your life together. Consider areas such as:

• Career and personal development
• Family planning
• Lifestyle and living arrangements
• Financial objectives
• Spiritual growth

SMART goals. Transform your shared vision into actionable plans using the SMART framework:

• Specific: Clearly define what you want to achieve
• Measurable: Establish concrete criteria for measuring progress
• Achievable: Ensure goals are realistic and attainable
• Relevant: Align goals with your values and long-term objectives
• Time-bound: Set deadlines for achieving each goal

Regular check-ins. Schedule periodic "vision meetings" to assess progress, celebrate achievements, and adjust your goals as needed. This helps keep you aligned and motivated as a couple.

10. Foster a loving relationship with in-laws

"You are about to become an in-law."

Boundaries and respect. Establish clear boundaries with both sets of parents while maintaining respect and appreciation for their role in your lives. This includes:

• Discussing expectations for visits and communication
• Making decisions as a couple, not deferring to parents
• Addressing any issues directly and lovingly

Building connections. Actively invest in positive relationships with your in-laws:

• Show genuine interest in their lives and experiences
• Express gratitude for their support and contributions
• Include them in appropriate family activities and decisions

Unity as a couple. Present a united front when dealing with in-law challenges. Support each other in maintaining healthy boundaries and addressing any conflicts that arise.

11. Prioritize meeting each other's emotional needs

"Often one partner is attempting to meet the needs of the other, but doesn't always know what the needs are or exactly how to meet them."

Identify needs. Take time to understand your own emotional needs and those of your spouse. Common needs include:

• Affection and physical touch
• Quality time and undivided attention
• Words of affirmation and appreciation
• Acts of service and practical support
• Emotional safety and vulnerability

Clear communication. Openly express your needs to your partner and ask for specific ways they can meet them. Avoid assumptions and be willing to provide clarification and feedback.

Intentional effort. Make meeting your spouse's emotional needs a daily priority:

• Set reminders to perform acts of love and kindness
• Create rituals that foster emotional connection (e.g., daily check-ins)
• Be attentive to non-verbal cues and respond with empathy

12. Commit to continuous growth and enrichment in marriage

"Marriage is a school, a learning and growing environment in which (if everything is as it should be) both partners can grow and develop."

Lifelong learning. Approach your marriage with a growth mindset, recognizing that there's always room for improvement and new discoveries. This involves:

• Reading books and attending workshops on marriage enrichment
• Seeking mentorship from couples with strong, lasting marriages
• Regularly assessing strengths and areas for growth in your relationship

Intentional investment. Set aside time and resources specifically for marriage enrichment:

• Schedule regular date nights or getaways to reconnect
• Attend marriage retreats or counseling sessions proactively, not just in times of crisis
• Celebrate milestones and achievements in your relationship

Mutual encouragement. Support each other's personal growth and development:

• Encourage pursuit of individual interests and goals
• Celebrate each other's accomplishments and growth
• Provide constructive feedback with love and respect

Last updated: November 23, 2024