Key Takeaways
1. Marriage is a covenant, not just a contract
"A Christian marriage is a total commitment of two people to the person of Jesus Christ and to each other. It is a commitment in which nothing is held back."
Sacred bond. Marriage, in its truest form, transcends legal obligations. It's a sacred covenant before God, involving unconditional commitment and self-giving love. This perspective shifts the focus from personal rights to mutual responsibilities and shared growth.
Transformative journey. Viewing marriage as a covenant encourages couples to see it as a lifelong journey of transformation. It's not just about happiness, but holiness - becoming the individuals and couple God intends. This mindset fosters resilience, forgiveness, and a willingness to work through challenges together.
2. Effective communication is the lifeblood of marriage
"Communication is to love what blood is to life."
Active listening. The foundation of effective marital communication is active listening. This involves:
- Giving full attention without interrupting
- Seeking to understand before being understood
- Reflecting back what you've heard to ensure clarity
- Asking clarifying questions
Honesty and openness. Cultivate an atmosphere of trust where both partners feel safe to express their thoughts, feelings, and needs without fear of judgment or rejection. Practice vulnerability and transparency, even when it's uncomfortable.
Non-verbal cues. Remember that communication goes beyond words. Pay attention to tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language. These non-verbal cues often convey more than words alone and can greatly impact the quality of your interactions.
3. Embrace differences to strengthen your relationship
"We marry for our similarities. We stay together for our differences."
Complementary strengths. Recognize that your differences can be assets, not liabilities. Each partner brings unique qualities, perspectives, and skills to the relationship. Embrace these differences as opportunities for growth, learning, and mutual support.
Cultivate appreciation. Instead of trying to change your spouse, focus on appreciating their unique qualities. Practice gratitude for the ways your partner's differences enhance your life and relationship. This shift in perspective can transform potential sources of conflict into catalysts for deeper connection.
Teamwork approach. Leverage your differences to become a more effective team:
- Divide responsibilities based on individual strengths
- Seek your partner's input in areas where they excel
- Learn from each other's diverse experiences and viewpoints
4. Manage conflict constructively for marital growth
"Conflict is a natural part of growth and family living."
Healthy conflict resolution. Approach disagreements as opportunities for growth and deeper understanding. Key strategies include:
- Choosing the right time and place for discussions
- Using "I" statements to express feelings without blame
- Focusing on the issue at hand, not past grievances
- Seeking win-win solutions
- Taking breaks when emotions run high
Underlying issues. Recognize that many conflicts are symptoms of deeper issues or unmet needs. Strive to identify and address these root causes rather than just dealing with surface-level disagreements.
Forgiveness and repair. Make a commitment to forgive quickly and repair relationship damage after conflicts. This involves:
- Apologizing sincerely when you've hurt your partner
- Accepting apologies graciously
- Taking concrete actions to rebuild trust and connection
5. Establish shared financial goals and practices
"Plan your budget together. Hold a definite date together—seek agreement and cooperation. Make decisions together."
Financial transparency. Create a foundation of trust by being fully transparent about your financial situation, including debts, assets, and spending habits. Regularly discuss your financial goals, concerns, and progress as a team.
Budgeting and planning. Work together to create a realistic budget that aligns with your shared values and goals. Key steps include:
- Tracking expenses for several months to understand spending patterns
- Setting clear financial priorities and goals
- Allocating funds for savings, debt repayment, and discretionary spending
- Regularly reviewing and adjusting your budget as needed
Financial roles. Determine how you'll divide financial responsibilities based on each partner's strengths and preferences. This might include:
- Who will pay bills and manage day-to-day finances
- How major financial decisions will be made
- Setting spending limits that require joint approval
6. Cultivate a fulfilling sexual relationship
"Sex is your good gift, O God, to enrich life, to continue the race, to communicate, to show me who I am, to reveal my mate, to cleanse through 'one flesh.'"
Open communication. Foster an environment of trust and openness where you can freely discuss your sexual desires, concerns, and boundaries. Regular, honest conversations about intimacy help build a stronger connection and ensure both partners' needs are met.
Holistic approach. Recognize that a fulfilling sex life is built on a foundation of emotional intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Prioritize nurturing your overall relationship, not just physical intimacy.
Continuous learning. Approach your sexual relationship with a growth mindset:
- Educate yourselves about sexual health and pleasure
- Be willing to try new things and explore together
- Address any issues or challenges promptly, seeking professional help if needed
7. Nurture spiritual intimacy as the foundation of marriage
"Spiritual intimacy is a heart's desire to be close to God and submit to His direction for your lives."
Shared faith practices. Develop habits that foster spiritual connection as a couple:
- Praying together regularly
- Reading and discussing scripture
- Attending worship services as a family
- Serving others in your community
Individual growth. Encourage each other's personal spiritual development. This might involve:
- Supporting individual prayer and study time
- Discussing insights from personal devotions
- Attending retreats or workshops together
God-centered decisions. Make a commitment to seek God's guidance in all major life decisions. This involves:
- Praying for wisdom and discernment
- Aligning choices with biblical principles
- Seeking counsel from mature believers when needed
8. Set clear expectations and roles in your partnership
"Failure to clarify the husband/wife roles in a relationship is a major cause of marital disruption."
Open dialogue. Have honest conversations about your expectations for various aspects of married life, including:
- Division of household responsibilities
- Career and personal goals
- Parenting philosophies
- Social and family commitments
Flexibility and adaptability. Recognize that roles and expectations may need to evolve over time. Be willing to reassess and adjust as circumstances change and you grow individually and as a couple.
Mutual support. Strive for a partnership where both spouses feel valued and supported in their roles. This involves:
- Expressing appreciation for each other's contributions
- Offering help and encouragement in challenging areas
- Celebrating each other's successes and growth
9. Develop a shared vision for your future together
"Vision is specific, detailed, customized, sometimes time-specific, and measurable. Vision is a way of describing the activity and development of a marriage."
Dream together. Set aside dedicated time to discuss your hopes, dreams, and goals for your life together. Consider areas such as:
- Career and personal development
- Family planning
- Lifestyle and living arrangements
- Financial objectives
- Spiritual growth
SMART goals. Transform your shared vision into actionable plans using the SMART framework:
- Specific: Clearly define what you want to achieve
- Measurable: Establish concrete criteria for measuring progress
- Achievable: Ensure goals are realistic and attainable
- Relevant: Align goals with your values and long-term objectives
- Time-bound: Set deadlines for achieving each goal
Regular check-ins. Schedule periodic "vision meetings" to assess progress, celebrate achievements, and adjust your goals as needed. This helps keep you aligned and motivated as a couple.
10. Foster a loving relationship with in-laws
"You are about to become an in-law."
Boundaries and respect. Establish clear boundaries with both sets of parents while maintaining respect and appreciation for their role in your lives. This includes:
- Discussing expectations for visits and communication
- Making decisions as a couple, not deferring to parents
- Addressing any issues directly and lovingly
Building connections. Actively invest in positive relationships with your in-laws:
- Show genuine interest in their lives and experiences
- Express gratitude for their support and contributions
- Include them in appropriate family activities and decisions
Unity as a couple. Present a united front when dealing with in-law challenges. Support each other in maintaining healthy boundaries and addressing any conflicts that arise.
11. Prioritize meeting each other's emotional needs
"Often one partner is attempting to meet the needs of the other, but doesn't always know what the needs are or exactly how to meet them."
Identify needs. Take time to understand your own emotional needs and those of your spouse. Common needs include:
- Affection and physical touch
- Quality time and undivided attention
- Words of affirmation and appreciation
- Acts of service and practical support
- Emotional safety and vulnerability
Clear communication. Openly express your needs to your partner and ask for specific ways they can meet them. Avoid assumptions and be willing to provide clarification and feedback.
Intentional effort. Make meeting your spouse's emotional needs a daily priority:
- Set reminders to perform acts of love and kindness
- Create rituals that foster emotional connection (e.g., daily check-ins)
- Be attentive to non-verbal cues and respond with empathy
12. Commit to continuous growth and enrichment in marriage
"Marriage is a school, a learning and growing environment in which (if everything is as it should be) both partners can grow and develop."
Lifelong learning. Approach your marriage with a growth mindset, recognizing that there's always room for improvement and new discoveries. This involves:
- Reading books and attending workshops on marriage enrichment
- Seeking mentorship from couples with strong, lasting marriages
- Regularly assessing strengths and areas for growth in your relationship
Intentional investment. Set aside time and resources specifically for marriage enrichment:
- Schedule regular date nights or getaways to reconnect
- Attend marriage retreats or counseling sessions proactively, not just in times of crisis
- Celebrate milestones and achievements in your relationship
Mutual encouragement. Support each other's personal growth and development:
- Encourage pursuit of individual interests and goals
- Celebrate each other's accomplishments and growth
- Provide constructive feedback with love and respect
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FAQ
What's "101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged" about?
- Purpose of the Book: The book is designed to help couples explore important topics and questions before getting engaged, ensuring a strong foundation for marriage.
- Comprehensive Guide: It covers various aspects of a relationship, including communication, conflict resolution, finances, and spiritual life.
- Structured Approach: The book provides a structured approach to discussing critical issues that can affect marital success.
- Authors' Expertise: Written by H. Norman Wright and Wes Roberts, both experienced in marriage counseling and relationship enrichment.
Why should I read "101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged"?
- Preventative Measure: Reading this book can help prevent future marital issues by addressing potential problems before they arise.
- Deepens Understanding: It encourages couples to understand each other's values, expectations, and backgrounds more deeply.
- Strengthens Relationship: By working through the questions, couples can strengthen their relationship and ensure they are on the same page.
- Expert Guidance: Benefit from the authors' extensive experience in marriage counseling and relationship dynamics.
What are the key takeaways of "101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged"?
- Importance of Communication: Effective communication is crucial for a successful marriage, and the book provides tools to enhance it.
- Understanding Expectations: Couples should discuss and align their expectations to avoid future conflicts.
- Role of Spirituality: The book emphasizes the importance of spiritual intimacy and shared beliefs in a marriage.
- Conflict Resolution: It offers strategies for resolving conflicts constructively, which is essential for marital harmony.
What are the best quotes from "101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged" and what do they mean?
- "Marriage is the only game of chance in town where both players can win or both lose!" - This highlights the unique nature of marriage, where both partners' efforts determine the outcome.
- "We marry for our similarities. We stay together for our differences." - This quote emphasizes the importance of appreciating and valuing differences in a relationship.
- "Love is an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person." - It underscores the need for commitment and acceptance in a marriage.
- "Communication is to love what blood is to life." - This illustrates the vital role of communication in maintaining a healthy relationship.
How does "101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged" define marriage?
- Covenant Under God: Marriage is viewed as a covenant made under God, more solemn and binding than a legal contract.
- Partnership and Growth: It is a partnership where both individuals grow and develop together.
- Reflects Christ's Love: Marriage should reflect the love Christ has for His people, characterized by sacrificial love.
- Fulfills Needs: It is intended to satisfy various needs, including companionship, love, and sexual satisfaction.
What are some of the critical questions from "101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged"?
- Define Marriage: What is its purpose, and how do you perceive it?
- Expectations: What do you expect from marriage, and how do you handle unmet expectations?
- Conflict Resolution: How do you plan to resolve conflicts, and what are your strategies for dealing with disagreements?
- Spiritual Life: How important is spiritual intimacy, and how will you incorporate it into your marriage?
How does "101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged" address communication in relationships?
- Essential for Love: Communication is likened to blood for life, essential for maintaining love in a relationship.
- Nonverbal Communication: The book emphasizes the importance of nonverbal cues and tone of voice in conveying messages.
- Levels of Communication: It discusses different levels of communication, from superficial to deep personal sharing.
- Listening Skills: Effective listening is highlighted as a crucial component of successful communication.
What advice does "101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged" offer on handling finances in marriage?
- Joint Planning: Couples are encouraged to plan their budget together and make financial decisions collaboratively.
- Financial Goals: Setting clear financial goals and priorities is essential for marital harmony.
- Avoiding Debt: The book advises against using credit cards excessively and emphasizes living within one's means.
- Budget Flexibility: It suggests maintaining a flexible budget that can adapt to changing circumstances.
How does "101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged" suggest couples handle in-law relationships?
- Define Boundaries: The book stresses the importance of setting boundaries with in-laws to maintain marital harmony.
- Open Communication: Encourages open communication with in-laws to prevent misunderstandings and conflicts.
- Respect and Appreciation: It advises showing respect and appreciation for in-laws to foster positive relationships.
- Independence: Couples are encouraged to establish their independence while maintaining healthy family ties.
What role does spirituality play in "101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged"?
- Spiritual Intimacy: The book emphasizes the importance of spiritual intimacy and shared beliefs in a marriage.
- Lordship of Christ: Couples are encouraged to submit to the leadership and lordship of Christ in their relationship.
- Shared Beliefs: Having shared beliefs about fundamental aspects of faith is crucial for spiritual intimacy.
- Spiritual Growth: The book suggests that spiritual growth should be a joint endeavor, enhancing the marital bond.
How does "101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged" address the concept of love in marriage?
- Three Types of Love: The book discusses eros (romantic love), philia (friendship), and agape (self-giving love) as essential for a healthy marriage.
- Commitment: Love is described as an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person.
- Growth and Development: Love should facilitate personal growth and development within the marriage.
- Reinforcement: Couples are encouraged to reinforce positive behaviors that nurture love and affection.
What are the suggested methods for conflict resolution in "101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged"?
- Open Communication: Encourages open and direct communication to resolve conflicts effectively.
- Listening First: Listening to the other person's perspective is crucial before responding.
- Identify Contributions: Each partner should identify their contribution to the conflict and work towards a solution.
- Constructive Strategies: The book offers constructive strategies for resolving conflicts without damaging the relationship.
Review Summary
101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged is highly recommended for Christian couples considering marriage. Readers praise its thought-provoking questions that foster deep conversations on faith, values, and expectations. Many found it helpful in uncovering compatibility and potential issues. The book is seen as a valuable tool for strengthening relationships and preparing for marriage. Some non-Christian readers also found it useful, though a few felt certain questions were outdated or too religiously focused. Overall, most reviewers appreciated the book's ability to promote meaningful dialogue and self-reflection.
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