13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don't Do

1. Avoid fostering a victim mentality in children

Validate your child's feelings by taking your comments a step further. Say, "It's disappointing when you can't do something you really want to do. So it's understandable that you feel bad we aren't going to the movies today."

Empower, don't enable. Children who believe they are victims of circumstances become adults who feel powerless to change their lives. Instead of shielding your child from all disappointment, teach them to recognize their choices and focus on what they can control. Help them develop a growth mindset by:

• Encouraging them to look for solutions instead of dwelling on problems
• Teaching them to reframe negative situations in a more positive light
• Praising their efforts and perseverance rather than just outcomes

Cultivate resilience. Provide opportunities for your child to overcome challenges and build confidence in their abilities. This might involve:

• Allowing them to solve age-appropriate problems independently
• Encouraging them to try new things, even if they might fail
• Teaching them coping strategies for dealing with disappointment and setbacks

2. Don't parent out of guilt; focus on empowering your child

Giving your child too much power may not always be obvious on the outside. Your child's comments and opinions may affect your head and your heart in unhealthy ways, which could ultimately give them too much power in your life.

Recognize guilt triggers. Parental guilt can lead to overcompensation and permissiveness, which ultimately harms children. Be aware of common guilt triggers such as:

• Working long hours
• Divorce or family changes
• Comparison to other parents
• Childhood experiences you want to "make up for"

Set healthy boundaries. Establish clear rules and expectations for your child, even when you feel guilty. Remember that:

• Boundaries provide security and help children develop self-discipline
• Consistent rules and consequences teach important life skills
• Your child's long-term well-being is more important than short-term happiness

Empower your child by teaching them to make age-appropriate decisions and face the consequences of their choices. This builds confidence and responsibility.

3. Avoid making your child the center of the universe

Helping other people can be a good way to foster resilience as well. A child who reads to younger children or one who helps an elderly neighbor with yard work will see that he has the ability to make a difference in the world, which can be the key to bouncing back from difficult events.

Cultivate empathy and perspective. Children who believe the world revolves around them struggle to form healthy relationships and cope with life's inevitable disappointments. To broaden their perspective:

• Encourage volunteer work and community service
• Teach them to consider others' feelings and points of view
• Involve them in family decisions and responsibilities

Balance praise and reality. While it's important to build your child's self-esteem, avoid excessive or unearned praise. Instead:

• Offer specific, genuine compliments on effort and character
• Teach them to appreciate their strengths while acknowledging areas for improvement
• Help them develop a realistic self-image and understanding of their place in the world

4. Don't let fear dictate your parenting choices

Teach your child that fear helps him. When his heart beats fast and his palms grow sweaty, he's ready to deal with a scary situation. If he were being chased by a hungry lion, the adrenaline rush would help him escape.

Assess risks rationally. Overprotective parenting stems from fear and can hinder a child's development of independence and resilience. To make balanced decisions:

• Distinguish between real and perceived dangers
• Consider the potential benefits of allowing your child to take appropriate risks
• Provide opportunities for supervised risk-taking and problem-solving

Model courage and resilience. Children learn how to handle fear by watching their parents. Demonstrate healthy ways to face challenges:

• Share your own experiences of overcoming fears
• Show your child how you prepare for and face difficult situations
• Praise your child's efforts to be brave, even if they don't fully succeed

Teach your child strategies for managing fear, such as deep breathing, positive self-talk, and breaking challenges into smaller, manageable steps.

5. Refuse to give your child power over you

When your child uses inappropriate ways to gain power, point it out. Say, "I know you're upset that I won't let you go to your friend's house and you're trying to make me feel bad so I'll change my mind. But that's not going to work with me."

Establish clear authority. Children feel secure when parents provide consistent leadership. To maintain a healthy balance of power:

• Set clear rules and consequences, and follow through consistently
• Avoid negotiating or arguing about established rules
• Use "when/then" statements to motivate compliance (e.g., "When you finish your homework, then you can watch TV")

Teach respectful communication. Help your child express their needs and wants appropriately:

• Model assertive, respectful communication in your own interactions
• Teach them to use "I" statements to express feelings
• Encourage problem-solving skills rather than manipulation or tantrums

Empower your child by giving them age-appropriate choices within the boundaries you set. This allows them to feel a sense of control without undermining your authority.

6. Don't expect perfection from your child

Speak up for yourself. If someone cuts in front of you in line, speak up politely. Or, if you receive poor service, talk to a manager about it. Your child will learn he doesn't have to be a passive victim when he sees you're willing to speak up for yourself.

Embrace growth and learning. Perfectionism can lead to anxiety, low self-esteem, and fear of failure. Instead, foster a growth mindset:

• Praise effort and improvement rather than just outcomes
• Teach that mistakes are opportunities for learning
• Share your own experiences of overcoming challenges and learning from failures

Set realistic expectations. Help your child develop a balanced view of their abilities:

• Encourage them to set challenging but achievable goals
• Teach them to break large tasks into smaller, manageable steps
• Help them develop strategies for coping with disappointment and setbacks

Model self-compassion and realistic self-assessment. Show your child that it's okay to be imperfect and that everyone has strengths and weaknesses.

7. Allow your child to face responsibility and consequences

Just like being a helper can teach him to be responsible, it can also help him cope with tough times. Get him involved in making the situation better. Tell him he can write thank-you notes to the workers. Or look for one thing he could do with you to help other people, like donating clothes or money to people in need.

Foster accountability. Children who learn to take responsibility for their actions develop important life skills. To encourage this:

• Assign age-appropriate chores and responsibilities
• Allow natural consequences when possible (e.g., forgetting homework means staying in at recess to complete it)
• Avoid rescuing your child from every mistake or failure

Teach problem-solving skills. When your child faces a challenge:

• Help them identify the problem and brainstorm potential solutions
• Encourage them to consider the consequences of different choices
• Guide them in implementing their chosen solution and evaluating the results

Use real-life situations as teaching opportunities. Discuss how your child's choices affect others and how they can take responsibility for their actions.

8. Don't shield your child from all pain and discomfort

Proactively teach your child healthy ways to soothe himself, calm himself down, and cheer himself up. Keep in mind that the same mood boosters don't work for everyone. Playing outside for a few minutes may help one child calm down, but coloring quietly may be the most effective tool for another child.

Build emotional resilience. Experiencing and learning to cope with difficult emotions is crucial for healthy development. To support this:

• Validate your child's feelings without trying to fix or change them
• Teach coping strategies like deep breathing, journaling, or talking to a trusted friend
• Help them identify and express their emotions in healthy ways

Create opportunities for growth. Allow your child to experience age-appropriate challenges:

• Encourage them to try new activities or tackle difficult tasks
• Let them experience minor disappointments and frustrations
• Teach them to persevere through obstacles and setbacks

Model healthy ways of dealing with pain and discomfort. Share your own experiences of overcoming challenges and demonstrate effective coping strategies.

9. Teach your child to be responsible for their emotions

When your child has little control over an event or the outcome—she gets cut from the soccer team or she doesn't get invited to a birthday party—acknowledge that she can't do anything about it. She can't control other people's choices and she can't go back in time and change things. But what she does have control over is her attitude.

Develop emotional intelligence. Help your child recognize and manage their emotions:

• Teach them to identify and name different feelings
• Discuss how emotions affect thoughts and behaviors
• Practice strategies for regulating emotions, such as taking deep breaths or counting to ten

Encourage healthy expression. Teach your child appropriate ways to express their emotions:

• Model respectful communication of feelings
• Encourage use of "I" statements (e.g., "I feel angry when...")
• Provide outlets for emotional expression, such as art or physical activity

Emphasize that while we can't always control what happens to us, we can control how we respond. Help your child develop a sense of agency in managing their emotional reactions.

10. Allow your child to make mistakes and learn from them

Teach self-discipline by using consistent positive consequences and negative consequences. Provide positive reinforcement for a job well done. Effective positive consequences can include a high five, praise, or some extra attention. Simply acknowledging your child's good behavior and saying thank you can go a long way. Kids love it when you notice that they're on the right track and giving some recognition encourages them to keep up the good work.

Create a safe learning environment. Mistakes are valuable opportunities for growth and learning. To foster this mindset:

• Avoid harsh criticism or punishment for honest mistakes
• Help your child analyze what went wrong and how to improve next time
• Share your own experiences of learning from mistakes

Encourage problem-solving. When your child faces a challenge:

• Resist the urge to immediately solve the problem for them
• Ask guiding questions to help them think through potential solutions
• Praise their efforts to find solutions, even if they don't succeed at first

Teach your child to view mistakes as stepping stones to success. Help them develop resilience by learning to bounce back from setbacks and persevere in the face of challenges.

11. Use discipline, not punishment, to teach life lessons

Use discipline tools that will teach your child how to make a better choice next time. So rather than slap him for hitting his brother, look at his misbehavior as an opportunity to teach him something new. Time-out can teach him how to calm himself down when he's upset. Restitution, such as loaning his brother his favorite toy for twenty-four hours, can help him learn how to make amends.

Focus on teaching, not punishing. Effective discipline helps children learn from their mistakes and develop self-control. To achieve this:

• Use logical consequences that relate to the misbehavior
• Explain the reasons behind rules and consequences
• Help your child understand how their actions affect others

Maintain a positive relationship. Discipline should not damage your bond with your child:

• Separate the behavior from the child (e.g., "That behavior is not okay" instead of "You're a bad kid")
• Avoid harsh punishments that may lead to resentment or fear
• Use positive reinforcement to encourage good behavior

Consistently enforce rules and consequences while showing love and support. This helps your child feel secure and learn to make better choices.

12. Resist taking shortcuts and teach your child to persevere

Acknowledge that shortcuts provide some temporary relief. Then warn your teen about the dangers. Say, "Drinking alcohol can be fun sometimes. But it's illegal for you to drink. And it's not good for your developing brain and it could lead you to make some risky decisions." Or say, "Playing video games all night will help you feel better right now because you won't have to worry about your schoolwork. But if

Last updated: August 21, 2024