تئوری انتخاب

1. Replace External Control Psychology with Choice Theory

Choice theory explains that, for all practical purposes, we choose everything we do, including the misery we feel. Other people can neither make us miserable nor make us happy.

Paradigm shift. Choice theory challenges the deeply ingrained belief that external forces control our behavior and emotions. It posits that we have more control over our lives than we realize, and that our choices shape our experiences.

Personal responsibility. By adopting choice theory, individuals can:

• Take ownership of their feelings and actions
• Stop blaming others for their misery
• Focus on what they can control (their own behavior) rather than trying to control others
• Improve relationships by recognizing that they can only change themselves, not others

This fundamental shift in perspective empowers people to make better choices, leading to more satisfying relationships and a happier life overall.

2. Our Basic Needs Drive All Behavior

Besides survival, which depends a lot on our physiology, I believe we are genetically programmed to try to satisfy four psychological needs: love and belonging, power, freedom, and fun.

Genetic motivation. Our actions are driven by five basic needs:

1. Survival (physiological needs)
2. Love and belonging
3. Power
4. Freedom
5. Fun

Need satisfaction. Understanding these needs helps us:

• Recognize why we make certain choices
• Identify areas of our lives that may be lacking
• Make conscious efforts to satisfy all our needs in healthy ways

By aligning our choices with these fundamental needs, we can achieve greater satisfaction and well-being. It's crucial to find balance, as over-emphasizing one need at the expense of others can lead to frustration and conflict.

3. The Quality World: Our Personal Vision of Satisfaction

This small, personal world, which each person starts to create in his or her memory shortly after birth and continues to create and re-create throughout life, is made up of a small group of specific pictures that portray, more than anything else we know, the best ways to satisfy one or more of our basic needs.

Mental blueprint. The Quality World is our internal representation of what we believe will best satisfy our needs. It consists of:

• People we want to be with
• Things we want to own or experience
• Ideas or beliefs that govern our behavior

Relationship impact. Understanding the Quality World concept can:

• Improve communication by helping us recognize what's important to others
• Reduce conflict by aligning our actions with others' needs and desires
• Enhance personal growth by consciously shaping our Quality World

By recognizing that each person has a unique Quality World, we can better navigate relationships and work towards mutual satisfaction.

4. Total Behavior: We Choose Our Actions and Thoughts

All our significant conscious behaviors, that is, all behaviors that have anything directly to do with satisfying basic needs, are chosen.

Holistic approach. Total Behavior consists of four components:

1. Acting
2. Thinking
3. Feeling
4. Physiology

Indirect control. While we have direct control over our actions and thoughts, we only have indirect control over our feelings and physiology. By changing our actions and thoughts, we can influence how we feel and our physical responses.

Key implications:

• We are responsible for our behaviors, including our emotions
• Changing our actions and thoughts is the most effective way to change how we feel
• Understanding Total Behavior can help us make more conscious choices to improve our well-being

This concept empowers individuals to take charge of their emotional states and physical responses by focusing on the aspects of behavior they can directly control.

5. Conflict Resolution Through the "Solving Circle"

The solving circle is comparable to the circle used in marriage. Teach it to your children as soon as you believe they are ready to learn it.

Collaborative problem-solving. The Solving Circle is a tool for resolving conflicts and making decisions that prioritize the relationship over individual wants. Key aspects include:

• Entering the circle voluntarily
• Focusing on what each person can do, not what others should do
• Staying in the circle until a mutually satisfactory solution is reached

Wide application. The Solving Circle can be used in various contexts:

• Marriages and romantic relationships
• Parent-child relationships
• Workplace conflicts
• School settings

By providing a structured approach to conflict resolution that emphasizes cooperation and mutual respect, the Solving Circle helps maintain and strengthen relationships while addressing disagreements.

6. Nurturing Trust in Relationships and Family Dynamics

The basis of a choice theory relationship is to establish trust. Parents can't start too early to behave in a way that encourages their children to trust them.

Foundation of relationships. Trust is essential for healthy, satisfying relationships. In family dynamics, it's crucial to:

• Be consistent and reliable
• Communicate openly and honestly
• Show unconditional love and acceptance
• Allow for age-appropriate autonomy and decision-making

Long-term impact. Building trust early in relationships, especially with children, can:

• Foster emotional security and self-confidence
• Encourage open communication and problem-solving
• Reduce conflict and resistance
• Create a strong foundation for lifelong positive relationships

By prioritizing trust-building behaviors, parents and partners can create a supportive environment that nurtures personal growth and strengthens family bonds.

7. Transforming Education with Choice Theory

We need a national effort to run schools in which teachers and students are happy.

Paradigm shift in education. Applying Choice Theory to education involves:

• Eliminating coercion and external control
• Focusing on competence rather than grades
• Encouraging intrinsic motivation
• Building positive teacher-student relationships

Key elements of a Quality School:

• No failing grades; students work until competent
• Emphasis on useful education rather than "schooling"
• Students and teachers learn Choice Theory
• Joyful learning environment

By restructuring schools around Choice Theory principles, we can create educational environments that foster genuine learning, personal growth, and satisfaction for both students and teachers.

8. Revolutionizing the Workplace with Lead Management

Lead management is to boss management as choice theory is to external control psychology.

Shift in management style. Lead Management, based on Choice Theory, focuses on:

• Engaging workers in discussions about quality and cost
• Modeling and encouraging input on job improvement
• Trusting workers to inspect their own work
• Emphasizing continuous improvement

Benefits of Lead Management:

• Increased worker satisfaction and engagement
• Higher quality work and productivity
• Reduced costs associated with turnover, absenteeism, and workplace conflicts
• Fostering a culture of trust and cooperation

By replacing traditional boss management with lead management, organizations can create more satisfying work environments, improve productivity, and achieve higher quality outcomes.

Last updated: November 19, 2024