Facebook Pixel
Searching...
English
EnglishEnglish
EspañolSpanish
简体中文Chinese
FrançaisFrench
DeutschGerman
日本語Japanese
PortuguêsPortuguese
ItalianoItalian
한국어Korean
РусскийRussian
NederlandsDutch
العربيةArabic
PolskiPolish
हिन्दीHindi
Tiếng ViệtVietnamese
SvenskaSwedish
ΕλληνικάGreek
TürkçeTurkish
ไทยThai
ČeštinaCzech
RomânăRomanian
MagyarHungarian
УкраїнськаUkrainian
Bahasa IndonesiaIndonesian
DanskDanish
SuomiFinnish
БългарскиBulgarian
עבריתHebrew
NorskNorwegian
HrvatskiCroatian
CatalàCatalan
SlovenčinaSlovak
LietuviųLithuanian
SlovenščinaSlovenian
СрпскиSerbian
EestiEstonian
LatviešuLatvian
فارسیPersian
മലയാളംMalayalam
தமிழ்Tamil
اردوUrdu
Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents

Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents

7 Ways to Stop the Worry Cycle and Raise Courageous and Independent Children
by R. Reid Wilson 2013 288 pages
4.11
500+ ratings
Listen
10 minutes

Key Takeaways

1. Expect worry to show up: It's a normal part of life and growth

Stop acting startled by each new occurrence of worry and help your child do the same.

Normalize worry. Anxiety is a common and often useful part of human experience. It serves as an early warning system, helping us slow down, think things through, and prepare for potential challenges. However, problems arise when worry becomes excessive and starts interfering with daily life.

Anticipate worry in specific situations:

  • When trying new activities
  • During times of uncertainty
  • When facing performance situations
  • When imagining "what if" scenarios

By expecting worry to show up, we can reduce its power to surprise and overwhelm us. This shift in perspective allows us to respond more calmly and effectively when anxious thoughts arise.

2. Talk to your worry: Externalize and respond to anxious thoughts

Rather than being pulled into the catastrophic visions that your anxiety generates, your child can learn to move away from it and take back some control.

Externalize anxiety. Teach children to view worry as something separate from themselves, rather than an inherent part of their identity. This creates psychological distance and allows for more objective evaluation of anxious thoughts.

Ways to talk to worry:

  • Expect it: "I knew you'd show up here, worry."
  • Take care of it: "It's okay, worry. I can handle this."
  • Boss it around: "Not now, worry. I've got this under control."

By engaging with worry in this way, children learn that they have choices in how they respond to anxious thoughts. They can acknowledge the worry without automatically believing or obeying it.

3. Be willing to feel unsure and uncomfortable on purpose

To grow, your child must expect to feel anxious and worried from time to time.

Embrace discomfort. Avoiding uncertainty and discomfort reinforces anxiety and limits growth. Instead, encourage children to willingly step into challenging situations, knowing that feeling anxious is part of the process.

The courage formula:
Courage = Willingness to feel uncertain + Willingness to feel uncomfortable

By reframing discomfort as a necessary part of growth, children can build resilience and expand their comfort zones. This approach helps them develop the confidence to face new challenges and overcome obstacles.

4. Use breathing techniques to calm your body and mind

Calming Breath and Calming Counts can help in two ways. First, you have a chance to feel more physically relaxed. Second, by following the instructions you pull your attention away from any not-so-helpful worried or stressed-out thoughts.

Practice breathing skills. Simple breathing exercises can help reset the body's stress response and create a sense of calm. These techniques provide a practical tool for managing anxiety in the moment.

Two key breathing exercises:

  1. Calming Breath: A 30-second technique involving deep inhalation, slow exhalation, and mental focus on a calming word or phrase.
  2. Calming Counts: A 90-second exercise combining deep breathing with a countdown from 10 to 1.

Regular practice of these techniques can help children (and adults) develop greater control over their physiological responses to stress and anxiety.

5. Focus on what you want, not what you're afraid of

To win over anxiety, we have to act courageously—to feel uncertain and uncomfortable . . . and step forward anyway.

Identify meaningful goals. Help children shift their focus from avoiding fear to pursuing what they truly want. This change in perspective can provide powerful motivation to face challenges.

Turning "have-to" into "want-to":

  • Identify the desired outcome
  • Acknowledge the uncomfortable steps required
  • Reframe those steps as necessary parts of achieving the goal

By connecting challenging tasks to meaningful goals, children can find the courage to push through discomfort and anxiety. This approach builds resilience and a sense of agency.

6. Bridge back to past successes to boost confidence

Past successes become yet another source of internal encouragement to keep moving forward into the unknown.

Combat anxiety-induced amnesia. Worry often makes people forget their past accomplishments and abilities. Actively recalling past successes can counteract this tendency and boost confidence.

Creating reminder bridges:

  • Identify similar past experiences
  • Recall skills and strategies used successfully before
  • Apply those lessons to the current challenge

By consciously connecting past successes to present challenges, children can tap into their existing resources and approach new situations with greater confidence.

7. Take action on your plan to overcome anxiety

Children must be in charge of pushing past their hesitations and into the wonderful adventures coming up in their future.

Develop a concrete plan. Help children create a step-by-step approach to facing their fears and achieving their goals. This provides a clear roadmap for progress and helps break down overwhelming tasks into manageable steps.

Key components of an action plan:

  • Clearly defined goal
  • Specific steps to reach the goal
  • Strategies for managing worry at each step
  • Ways to track progress and celebrate successes

Taking action, even in small steps, builds momentum and provides real-world evidence that challenges can be overcome.

8. Understand the brain's role in anxiety and how to retrain it

When your child consciously says (and believes), "I can handle this. . . . I'm willing to be unsure and uncomfortable. . . . I can expect my worry to show up and learn what to do. . . . It's okay to be nervous," the amygdala then learns over time not to go into fight-or-flight and not to secrete so much epinephrine.

Educate about brain function. Understanding how the brain processes anxiety can demystify the experience and provide a foundation for change. Focus on the roles of the amygdala (the brain's alarm system) and the prefrontal cortex (the thinking part).

Retraining the anxious brain:

  • Recognize that the amygdala is doing its job, even if it's overreacting
  • Use the prefrontal cortex to evaluate threats more accurately
  • Practice facing fears to teach the amygdala that certain situations are safe

By framing anxiety management as a process of retraining the brain, children can approach the task with curiosity and a sense of empowerment.

9. Promote independence and problem-solving in anxious children

Our job as parents is to create an atmosphere that encourages our children to make decisions, develop their own opinions and views, and become self-reliant.

Foster autonomy. Overprotecting anxious children can reinforce their fears and prevent them from developing crucial coping skills. Instead, create opportunities for children to make decisions and solve problems independently.

Strategies for promoting independence:

  • Ask for your child's opinion on various matters
  • Encourage respectful disagreement and debate
  • Support reasonable risk-taking
  • Allow natural consequences (within safe limits)

By gradually increasing children's autonomy, parents help them build confidence in their ability to handle challenges and navigate the world.

10. Use rewards strategically to motivate progress

Rewards are a part of life. We give our kids an allowance, and the neighbor pays them to mow the lawn or babysit. We get a paycheck and buy a car with the promise of "cash back"!

Implement thoughtful reward systems. While intrinsic motivation is ideal, external rewards can help jumpstart progress and maintain momentum, especially when tackling anxiety feels overwhelming.

Guidelines for effective rewards:

  • Keep rewards small and frequent, especially for younger children
  • Reward effort and practice, not just outcomes
  • Avoid punishments or taking away earned rewards
  • Be specific about what earns a reward
  • Adjust the system every few weeks to maintain interest

A well-designed reward system can provide extra motivation and help children see tangible progress in their efforts to manage anxiety.

11. Parents: Model healthy responses to uncertainty and discomfort

How do you manage your feelings when you start a project that requires a new skill set or when you have to perform in front of others? How do you handle the worried thoughts that show up when things are uncertain?

Lead by example. Children learn a great deal by observing how their parents handle challenges and uncertainties. By modeling healthy responses to anxiety, parents can teach powerful lessons without saying a word.

Ways to model courage:

  • Talk openly about your own experiences with uncertainty
  • Demonstrate problem-solving when faced with challenges
  • Show that mistakes are normal and can be learning opportunities
  • Express excitement about trying new things, even if they're a bit scary

By consistently modeling a courageous approach to life's challenges, parents can create a family culture that values growth, resilience, and facing fears head-on.

Last updated:

Review Summary

4.11 out of 5
Average of 500+ ratings from Goodreads and Amazon.

Anxious kids, anxious parents receives high praise for its practical advice on managing childhood anxiety. Readers appreciate the book's emphasis on normalizing worry, teaching problem-solving skills, and encouraging independence. Many found it helpful for both children and adults. The book's seven-step approach and focus on changing parental responses to anxiety are highlighted as particularly effective. Some readers noted the book could be repetitive or overly structured, but most found it a valuable resource for families dealing with anxiety.

Your rating:

About the Author

Reid Wilson is a clinical psychologist and expert in anxiety disorders. He is the co-author of "Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents," a highly regarded book on managing childhood anxiety. Wilson's approach focuses on practical strategies for both parents and children to overcome anxiety, emphasizing the importance of facing fears and developing problem-solving skills. His work is based on cognitive-behavioral therapy principles and aims to help families break the cycle of anxiety. Wilson is known for his accessible writing style and ability to translate complex psychological concepts into actionable advice for parents and children.

Download PDF

To save this Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents summary for later, download the free PDF. You can print it out, or read offline at your convenience.
Download PDF
File size: 0.39 MB     Pages: 12

Download EPUB

To read this Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents summary on your e-reader device or app, download the free EPUB. The .epub digital book format is ideal for reading ebooks on phones, tablets, and e-readers.
Download EPUB
File size: 3.12 MB     Pages: 9
0:00
-0:00
1x
Dan
Andrew
Michelle
Lauren
Select Speed
1.0×
+
200 words per minute
Create a free account to unlock:
Bookmarks – save your favorite books
History – revisit books later
Ratings – rate books & see your ratings
Unlock unlimited listening
Your first week's on us!
Today: Get Instant Access
Listen to full summaries of 73,530 books. That's 12,000+ hours of audio!
Day 4: Trial Reminder
We'll send you a notification that your trial is ending soon.
Day 7: Your subscription begins
You'll be charged on Dec 17,
cancel anytime before.
Compare Features Free Pro
Read full text summaries
Summaries are free to read for everyone
Listen to summaries
12,000+ hours of audio
Unlimited Bookmarks
Free users are limited to 10
Unlimited History
Free users are limited to 10
What our users say
30,000+ readers
“...I can 10x the number of books I can read...”
“...exceptionally accurate, engaging, and beautifully presented...”
“...better than any amazon review when I'm making a book-buying decision...”
Save 62%
Yearly
$119.88 $44.99/yr
$3.75/mo
Monthly
$9.99/mo
Try Free & Unlock
7 days free, then $44.99/year. Cancel anytime.
Settings
Appearance
Black Friday Sale 🎉
$20 off Lifetime Access
$79.99 $59.99
Upgrade Now →