Key Takeaways
1. Expect worry to show up: It's a normal part of life and growth
Stop acting startled by each new occurrence of worry and help your child do the same.
Normalize worry. Anxiety is a common and often useful part of human experience. It serves as an early warning system, helping us slow down, think things through, and prepare for potential challenges. However, problems arise when worry becomes excessive and starts interfering with daily life.
Anticipate worry in specific situations:
- When trying new activities
- During times of uncertainty
- When facing performance situations
- When imagining "what if" scenarios
By expecting worry to show up, we can reduce its power to surprise and overwhelm us. This shift in perspective allows us to respond more calmly and effectively when anxious thoughts arise.
2. Talk to your worry: Externalize and respond to anxious thoughts
Rather than being pulled into the catastrophic visions that your anxiety generates, your child can learn to move away from it and take back some control.
Externalize anxiety. Teach children to view worry as something separate from themselves, rather than an inherent part of their identity. This creates psychological distance and allows for more objective evaluation of anxious thoughts.
Ways to talk to worry:
- Expect it: "I knew you'd show up here, worry."
- Take care of it: "It's okay, worry. I can handle this."
- Boss it around: "Not now, worry. I've got this under control."
By engaging with worry in this way, children learn that they have choices in how they respond to anxious thoughts. They can acknowledge the worry without automatically believing or obeying it.
3. Be willing to feel unsure and uncomfortable on purpose
To grow, your child must expect to feel anxious and worried from time to time.
Embrace discomfort. Avoiding uncertainty and discomfort reinforces anxiety and limits growth. Instead, encourage children to willingly step into challenging situations, knowing that feeling anxious is part of the process.
The courage formula:
Courage = Willingness to feel uncertain + Willingness to feel uncomfortable
By reframing discomfort as a necessary part of growth, children can build resilience and expand their comfort zones. This approach helps them develop the confidence to face new challenges and overcome obstacles.
4. Use breathing techniques to calm your body and mind
Calming Breath and Calming Counts can help in two ways. First, you have a chance to feel more physically relaxed. Second, by following the instructions you pull your attention away from any not-so-helpful worried or stressed-out thoughts.
Practice breathing skills. Simple breathing exercises can help reset the body's stress response and create a sense of calm. These techniques provide a practical tool for managing anxiety in the moment.
Two key breathing exercises:
- Calming Breath: A 30-second technique involving deep inhalation, slow exhalation, and mental focus on a calming word or phrase.
- Calming Counts: A 90-second exercise combining deep breathing with a countdown from 10 to 1.
Regular practice of these techniques can help children (and adults) develop greater control over their physiological responses to stress and anxiety.
5. Focus on what you want, not what you're afraid of
To win over anxiety, we have to act courageously—to feel uncertain and uncomfortable . . . and step forward anyway.
Identify meaningful goals. Help children shift their focus from avoiding fear to pursuing what they truly want. This change in perspective can provide powerful motivation to face challenges.
Turning "have-to" into "want-to":
- Identify the desired outcome
- Acknowledge the uncomfortable steps required
- Reframe those steps as necessary parts of achieving the goal
By connecting challenging tasks to meaningful goals, children can find the courage to push through discomfort and anxiety. This approach builds resilience and a sense of agency.
6. Bridge back to past successes to boost confidence
Past successes become yet another source of internal encouragement to keep moving forward into the unknown.
Combat anxiety-induced amnesia. Worry often makes people forget their past accomplishments and abilities. Actively recalling past successes can counteract this tendency and boost confidence.
Creating reminder bridges:
- Identify similar past experiences
- Recall skills and strategies used successfully before
- Apply those lessons to the current challenge
By consciously connecting past successes to present challenges, children can tap into their existing resources and approach new situations with greater confidence.
7. Take action on your plan to overcome anxiety
Children must be in charge of pushing past their hesitations and into the wonderful adventures coming up in their future.
Develop a concrete plan. Help children create a step-by-step approach to facing their fears and achieving their goals. This provides a clear roadmap for progress and helps break down overwhelming tasks into manageable steps.
Key components of an action plan:
- Clearly defined goal
- Specific steps to reach the goal
- Strategies for managing worry at each step
- Ways to track progress and celebrate successes
Taking action, even in small steps, builds momentum and provides real-world evidence that challenges can be overcome.
8. Understand the brain's role in anxiety and how to retrain it
When your child consciously says (and believes), "I can handle this. . . . I'm willing to be unsure and uncomfortable. . . . I can expect my worry to show up and learn what to do. . . . It's okay to be nervous," the amygdala then learns over time not to go into fight-or-flight and not to secrete so much epinephrine.
Educate about brain function. Understanding how the brain processes anxiety can demystify the experience and provide a foundation for change. Focus on the roles of the amygdala (the brain's alarm system) and the prefrontal cortex (the thinking part).
Retraining the anxious brain:
- Recognize that the amygdala is doing its job, even if it's overreacting
- Use the prefrontal cortex to evaluate threats more accurately
- Practice facing fears to teach the amygdala that certain situations are safe
By framing anxiety management as a process of retraining the brain, children can approach the task with curiosity and a sense of empowerment.
9. Promote independence and problem-solving in anxious children
Our job as parents is to create an atmosphere that encourages our children to make decisions, develop their own opinions and views, and become self-reliant.
Foster autonomy. Overprotecting anxious children can reinforce their fears and prevent them from developing crucial coping skills. Instead, create opportunities for children to make decisions and solve problems independently.
Strategies for promoting independence:
- Ask for your child's opinion on various matters
- Encourage respectful disagreement and debate
- Support reasonable risk-taking
- Allow natural consequences (within safe limits)
By gradually increasing children's autonomy, parents help them build confidence in their ability to handle challenges and navigate the world.
10. Use rewards strategically to motivate progress
Rewards are a part of life. We give our kids an allowance, and the neighbor pays them to mow the lawn or babysit. We get a paycheck and buy a car with the promise of "cash back"!
Implement thoughtful reward systems. While intrinsic motivation is ideal, external rewards can help jumpstart progress and maintain momentum, especially when tackling anxiety feels overwhelming.
Guidelines for effective rewards:
- Keep rewards small and frequent, especially for younger children
- Reward effort and practice, not just outcomes
- Avoid punishments or taking away earned rewards
- Be specific about what earns a reward
- Adjust the system every few weeks to maintain interest
A well-designed reward system can provide extra motivation and help children see tangible progress in their efforts to manage anxiety.
11. Parents: Model healthy responses to uncertainty and discomfort
How do you manage your feelings when you start a project that requires a new skill set or when you have to perform in front of others? How do you handle the worried thoughts that show up when things are uncertain?
Lead by example. Children learn a great deal by observing how their parents handle challenges and uncertainties. By modeling healthy responses to anxiety, parents can teach powerful lessons without saying a word.
Ways to model courage:
- Talk openly about your own experiences with uncertainty
- Demonstrate problem-solving when faced with challenges
- Show that mistakes are normal and can be learning opportunities
- Express excitement about trying new things, even if they're a bit scary
By consistently modeling a courageous approach to life's challenges, parents can create a family culture that values growth, resilience, and facing fears head-on.
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FAQ
What's "Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents" about?
- Overview: "Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents" by R. Reid Wilson and Lynn Lyons is a guide for parents to help their children overcome anxiety. It provides strategies to break the cycle of worry and foster independence and courage in children.
- Focus: The book emphasizes understanding anxiety's role in children's lives and offers practical tools for parents to support their children in managing anxiety.
- Structure: It is structured around seven puzzle pieces or strategies that parents can use to help their children face and overcome anxiety.
- Audience: The book is aimed at parents, educators, and mental health professionals who work with anxious children.
Why should I read "Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents"?
- Practical Strategies: The book offers actionable strategies that parents can implement immediately to help their children manage anxiety.
- Expert Insights: Written by experts in the field, it combines clinical experience with research-backed methods.
- Family Focus: It addresses not just the child's anxiety but also how family dynamics and parental behavior can influence it.
- Empowerment: The book empowers parents to become effective coaches for their children, promoting resilience and independence.
What are the key takeaways of "Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents"?
- Expect Worry: Understand that worry is a normal part of life and learn to expect it rather than be surprised by it.
- Talk to Worry: Teach children to externalize their anxiety and talk back to it, reducing its power.
- Embrace Discomfort: Encourage children to be willing to feel unsure and uncomfortable as a part of growth.
- Action-Oriented: Emphasize the importance of taking action despite anxiety, using structured plans and goals.
How does "Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents" suggest handling anxiety in children?
- Normalize Anxiety: Teach children that anxiety is a normal response and not something to be feared or avoided.
- Puzzle Pieces: Use the seven puzzle pieces as a framework to address anxiety, including expecting worry, talking to it, and taking action.
- Role Modeling: Parents should model healthy responses to anxiety, showing children how to manage their own worries.
- Incremental Steps: Encourage children to take small, manageable steps toward facing their fears, gradually building confidence.
What are the seven puzzle pieces in "Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents"?
- Expect to Worry: Anticipate anxiety as a normal part of life and prepare for it.
- Talk to Worry: Externalize anxiety and engage with it constructively.
- Be Unsure and Uncomfortable: Accept uncertainty and discomfort as part of growth.
- Breathe!: Use breathing techniques to manage physical symptoms of anxiety.
- Know What You Want: Set clear goals to motivate action despite anxiety.
- Bridge Back to Successes: Recall past successes to build confidence in facing new challenges.
- Take Action on Your Plan: Implement a structured plan to confront and manage anxiety.
How do the authors of "Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents" define anxiety?
- Protective Mechanism: Anxiety is described as a natural, protective mechanism that alerts us to potential danger.
- Predictable Pattern: It follows a predictable pattern, often triggered by new or uncertain situations.
- Learned Behavior: Anxiety can be learned from parents and family dynamics, not just inherited genetically.
- Manageable: With the right strategies, anxiety can be managed and does not have to dominate a child's life.
What role do parents play in managing their child's anxiety according to "Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents"?
- Modeling Behavior: Parents should model calm and constructive responses to anxiety, showing children how to handle their own worries.
- Coaching Role: Act as a coach rather than a fixer, guiding children to develop their own coping strategies.
- Avoid Overprotection: Avoid overprotecting children, which can reinforce anxiety by preventing them from facing fears.
- Encourage Independence: Support children in becoming independent problem-solvers, capable of managing their own anxiety.
What are some practical exercises from "Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents"?
- Breathing Techniques: Practice Calming Breath and Calming Counts to manage physical symptoms of anxiety.
- Role-Playing: Use role-playing to practice talking back to worry and handling anxiety-provoking situations.
- Goal Setting: Help children set and work towards specific goals, using the puzzle pieces as a guide.
- Reminder Bridges: Create reminder bridges to connect past successes with current challenges, reinforcing confidence.
What are the best quotes from "Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents" and what do they mean?
- "Worry is exhausting for everybody." This highlights the draining nature of anxiety on both children and parents, emphasizing the need for effective management strategies.
- "Our goal is not to prevent worries; it is to keep anxious fears from dominating our families." This underscores the book's focus on managing anxiety rather than eliminating it, promoting resilience.
- "The trick is recognizing how worry works and having a different response to it." This encapsulates the book's approach of understanding anxiety's patterns and responding with constructive strategies.
- "Courage in our line of work is when the goal is important enough that you willingly move forward even when you’re not sure how it’s going to turn out." This defines courage as taking action despite uncertainty, a key theme in the book.
How does "Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents" address the role of genetics in anxiety?
- No Single Gene: The book explains that there is no single "anxiety gene," but genetics can predispose children to be more sensitive to stress.
- Temperament Influence: Children with a high-reactive temperament are more likely to develop anxiety, but this is not destiny.
- Parental Impact: Parenting styles can significantly influence whether a child's genetic predisposition to anxiety is expressed.
- Changeable Trait: Anxiety is a tendency, not a fixed trait, and can be managed with the right strategies and support.
What is the significance of "Casey’s Guide" in "Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents"?
- Child-Friendly Resource: "Casey’s Guide" is a companion e-book designed to engage children directly with the strategies discussed in the main book.
- Storytelling Approach: It uses storytelling to illustrate how a fictional character, Casey, overcomes her anxiety, making the concepts relatable for kids.
- Interactive Learning: The guide includes activities and questions to help children apply the strategies to their own lives.
- Parental Support: It provides a common language for parents and children to discuss anxiety and work together on managing it.
How does "Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents" suggest using rewards in managing anxiety?
- Motivation Tool: Rewards can be used to motivate children to engage with anxiety-provoking situations and practice new skills.
- Short-Term Incentives: Offer small, frequent rewards to maintain motivation and reinforce positive behavior.
- Activity-Based Rewards: Prefer activity-based rewards over material ones to encourage engagement and participation.
- Avoid Punishment: Focus on positive reinforcement rather than punishment, which can increase anxiety and resistance.
Review Summary
Anxious kids, anxious parents receives high praise for its practical advice on managing childhood anxiety. Readers appreciate the book's emphasis on normalizing worry, teaching problem-solving skills, and encouraging independence. Many found it helpful for both children and adults. The book's seven-step approach and focus on changing parental responses to anxiety are highlighted as particularly effective. Some readers noted the book could be repetitive or overly structured, but most found it a valuable resource for families dealing with anxiety.
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