Beyond My Control

1. Sexual Fantasies: A Universal, Repressed Reality

Over thirty-five years ago, I called it My Secret Garden because collecting fantasies was like listening to women whispering in my ear.

Hidden erotic truths. Sexual fantasies are a natural and healthy aspect of human experience, yet for generations, they have been largely suppressed and kept secret. Many individuals, especially women, were taught to deny their erotic thoughts, often not even acknowledging these desires to themselves. This societal and parental conditioning created a "secret garden" where true sexual imagination blossomed in isolation.

Unveiling desires. The author's groundbreaking work revealed that these "forbidden, unacceptable fantasies" were not exclusive to a privileged few but were enjoyed by "ORDINARY WOMEN" across all walks of life. This realization brought a sense of validation and completeness to many, fostering a new consciousness around personal erotic reveries. The act of putting these desires into writing, or simply acknowledging them, was emboldening, proving that the world wouldn't fall apart by embracing one's true sexual self.

Path to wholeness. Accepting one's erotic imagination, even without acting on it, is crucial for personal growth and self-acceptance. Fantasies serve as a creative outlet, opening new paths and broadening horizons, much like learning to drive. This acceptance allows individuals to feel more complete and whole, integrating a vital part of their human experience that was previously denied or hidden.

2. The Allure of the Forbidden in Erotic Life

One thing I’ve learned absolutely is that forbidden sex gets us higher faster.

The thrill of transgression. There's an undeniable intensity and excitement derived from forbidden sex, both in fantasy and reality. This allure stems from deeply ingrained societal and parental "Do Nots" surrounding sexuality, making any deviation from the sanctioned path inherently more thrilling. The more off-limits a person or situation, the more potent the orgasm.

Fantasy as escape. When real-life partners or situations are "safe" or "legal," the imagination often conjures forbidden scenarios to enhance sexual pleasure. This can involve imagining:

• Off-limits partners (e.g., the neighbor, a handsome stranger)
• Taboo locales (e.g., a bus, supermarket, airplane)
• Dangerous or illicit situations (e.g., risking being caught)
  This mental "salting and peppering" of sex allows individuals to transcend the mundane and reach new heights of arousal.

Beyond love and legality. The author emphasizes that love and sex are distinct, and the thrill of the forbidden often surpasses the comfort of a loving, legal mate. This isn't a reflection of a lack of love but rather a testament to the powerful conditioning that equates intense eroticism with transgression. Fantasies provide a guilt-free space to explore these desires without real-world repercussions, transforming potential nightmares into sources of profound pleasure.

3. Childhood: The Unseen Architect of Adult Desires

Nothing is more immutable than what happened in those years when we had no power at all.

Early imprints. Our sexual selves are profoundly shaped by experiences in early childhood, particularly the unspoken opinions and actions of our caretakers regarding our bodies and sexuality. From the moment a tiny hand explores its own body, parental reactions, however subtle, begin to lay down lifelong prejudices and self-images. These early lessons, often absorbed unconsciously, become the bedrock of our erotic circuitry.

The nursery's influence. Gentle "No, no, darling" or the removal of a child's hand from their genitals, repeated over time, hammers home negative associations with sexual parts. These seemingly innocuous actions, though often well-intentioned, can cripple a child's sexual self-esteem. By adolescence, individuals develop a "private stash of erotic fantasies" to counteract these negative opinions and help them achieve orgasm.

Unconscious programming. The roots of our deepest sexual desires and fears often trace back to a time before conscious memory. Whether it's a longing for a missing parental figure, a reaction to perceived control, or the internalization of shame, these early experiences are "immutable." They dictate why we seek or avoid certain forms of intimacy, and how our minds call upon specific fantasies to "do their magic" and boost us into orgasm.

4. Domination & Submission: The Pervasive Fantasy of Control

Not dominating but being dominated. Relinquishing power in a world that offers so much.

A dominant theme. In the current age, the overwhelming theme of sexual fantasy for both men and women is domination, specifically the desire to be dominated. This widespread craving for powerlessness and restraint serves as a release from the immense responsibilities and self-control demanded by modern life. It's a "cocktail that 'knocks me out beyond my control!'"

Roots in helplessness. These fantasies often originate in early childhood experiences of helplessness, such as being confined in a crib or high chair, or subjected to parental discipline. The desire to be "pinned down," "strapped in," or "bound" can stem from a longing for a loving guardian's control, or a reaction to perceived anger and frustration from caretakers. It's not always about pain, but about shedding the burden of responsibility for one's own "delicious, forbidden sex."

Shifting gender dynamics. While historically linked to male dominance, the fantasy of domination/submission has evolved, with both sexes exploring these roles. Men, increasingly facing powerful women in the workplace, may find release in fantasizing about being controlled by a dominatrix, echoing early maternal influence. Women, now formidable and "on top" in many spheres, paradoxically long to be taken, to relinquish control and be "forced into ecstasy," as a counterpoint to their real-world assertiveness.

5. Masturbation: The Defiant Path to Sexual Self-Knowledge

It is thrilling just to own the creativity of our sexual imagination.

The secret act. Masturbation, often shrouded in silence and taboo, is a defining and defiant act of sexual self-discovery. From early childhood, the "imminent threat" of discovery by parents, who often implicitly disapprove, fuels the thrill of "stolen sex." This clandestine beginning makes stealth and the excitement of "almost getting caught" integral to one's ongoing sexual history.

A source of independence. Masturbation teaches individuals that their orgasm is their own responsibility, not a gift controlled by another person. This realization fosters sexual independence, feeding into other freedoms and empowering individuals in all aspects of their lives. It allows for a unique compatibility with one's own genitals, fostering a deeper knowledge of self and affirming personal wholeness.

Changing perceptions. While traditionally, women might have felt masturbation signified a "failure" to find a man, the Internet age has normalized it, making it a widespread practice for both sexes. This shift has also led to increased female interest in male masturbation, challenging old gendered notions of voyeurism and exhibitionism. Despite lingering societal hang-ups, masturbation remains a powerful, accessible tool for reducing tension, anxiety, and loneliness, offering a "post-orgasmic blush" and a sense of well-being.

6. Incest Fantasies: Echoes of Early Familial Intimacy

In the throes of passion, who wants to hear a long speech about not having a father?

Taboo and allure. Incest, universally forbidden in most cultures, holds a complex and often disturbing allure in fantasy. While real-life incest is harmful, the fantasy can stem from deep-seated emotional needs and early familial dynamics. The "god-like" power of parents in a child's early life can create a powerful, almost worshipful, bond that, in some cases, manifests erotically in the imagination.

Single-parent dynamics. In single-parent households, the absence of another adult can lead to children sharing beds with the lone parent, fostering an intense, often unconscious, intimacy. This arrangement, while seemingly innocent, can knit tentative arousals into the child's erotic imagination, making traditional monogamy feel "boring" later in life. The parent's loneliness or emotional needs, however subtly conveyed, can also influence these dynamics.

Wish fulfillment and trauma. For some, incest fantasies are a form of wish fulfillment, a desire to repair or rewrite sad childhood realities, or to experience a profound intimacy that was otherwise missing. For actual victims, these fantasies can be a complex coping mechanism, sometimes therapeutic, allowing them to reclaim control or express suppressed rage. However, the author cautions that confusing fantasy with reality can have irreversible, detrimental effects on a child's future development and ability to form healthy, separate relationships.

7. Exhibitionism & Voyeurism: The Primal Urge to Be Seen

We were, in fact, raised not to stare. It doesn’t matter whether our reaction to the exhibitionist is a smile of pleasure or shock.

The gaze of validation. Exhibitionism and voyeurism, whether in fantasy or reality, are deeply rooted in the primal human need to be seen and acknowledged. In a crowded, competitive world, feeling "unseen, unimportant, invisible" can be a powerful trigger for these desires. The act of "grabbing" someone's gaze or demanding to be looked at provides a sense of substantiality and domination.

Childhood origins. This need often traces back to infancy, where a mother's consistent, loving gaze is crucial for a child's secure development and sense of self. A perceived lack of this early attention can lead to a lifelong search for external validation through being seen. Children running naked through the house, seeking attention, exemplify this early drive to feel substantial through others' reactions.

Modern manifestations. Today, both men and and women actively engage in exhibitionism, from fashion choices to social media displays, reflecting a heightened competition for attention. Conversely, voyeurism has also become more prevalent, with individuals "feasting their eyes" on others, often through media. These dynamics, while seemingly about sexual display, are fundamentally about power, recognition, and the desire to feel real and impactful in a world that can feel overwhelming.

8. S&M: Finding Pleasure in Pain and Power Dynamics

Only in erotic images of being held down and punished can some men and women allow themselves the forbidden sex they crave.

Guilt and release. For many, S&M fantasies provide a unique pathway to orgasm by allowing them to experience forbidden sex while simultaneously "paying" for the associated guilt through imagined pain or punishment. This dual purpose explains why some individuals require fantasies of "bones cracking" or "the lash of the whip" to achieve sexual release, transforming what would be intolerable suffering into a pleasure-inducing experience.

Roots in discipline. While not always linked to direct abuse, S&M fantasies can stem from early childhood experiences of discipline and the inherent power dynamics between child and caretaker. The threat of punishment, or the memory of being physically restrained or overwhelmed by an all-powerful adult, can become woven into the erotic imagination. This allows individuals to relinquish control and responsibility for their desires, as someone "more powerful than we demands we let go."

Shifting gender roles. The rise of female sadistic fantasies reflects women's increasing assertiveness and a reclaiming of power. Historically, women's "dark side" was camouflaged, but now, with greater economic and social independence, women are openly exploring aggressive and vengeful erotic scenarios. This challenges traditional notions of male aggression and female passivity, demonstrating women's capacity for cruelty and control in fantasy, mirroring their growing power in reality.

9. Threesomes: Expanding Erotic Boundaries and Desires

Need I remind you that this scene works brilliantly for many.

The allure of "more." Threesomes, whether in fantasy or reality, represent an expansion of erotic possibilities, promising "double the pleasure, double the fun." For many, the idea of multiple partners simultaneously engaged in sexual acts offers a heightened level of stimulation and excitement that a single partner might not provide. This dynamic can be a playground for exploring various combinations and permutations of desire.

Complex emotional landscape. While often pursued for pure lust, threesomes can also tap into deeper, sometimes unacknowledged, emotional needs. For some, it might be a way to test boundaries, explore latent bisexuality, or even manage jealousy by controlling the narrative in fantasy. The author, however, cautions that in reality, the "old left-out feeling" or the "grim pang of jealousy" can quickly dampen the experience, turning a desired trio into an uncomfortable duet.

Fantasy as a safe space. In the realm of imagination, threesomes can be choreographed perfectly, with individuals controlling every aspect of the scene, ensuring their desires are met without real-world complications. This allows for the exploration of exhibitionism (being watched) or voyeurism (watching others), amplifying the erotic charge. The Internet has further democratized this fantasy, making it easier for individuals to find willing partners to live out these multi-partner scenarios, blurring the lines between fantasy and reality.

10. The Internet: Uncensoring and Normalizing Fantasy

The Internet provides a New World enabling us to easily act out fantasies or just discover how common our fantasies are—fantasies we thought were reserved for us alone.

Unprecedented access. The Internet has revolutionized sexual expression, offering an unparalleled platform for individuals to explore, share, and even act out their deepest fantasies. It has normalized desires previously considered unique or taboo, revealing the widespread commonality of various erotic imaginings. This accessibility has created a "cyber world of infinite possibilities," where anonymity allows for uninhibited exploration.

Blurring boundaries. Online platforms, like Craigslist ads, showcase the diverse and often explicit nature of contemporary sexual desires, from specific domination/submission roles to multi-partner encounters. This digital landscape has blurred traditional boundaries, making it easier for individuals to connect with others who share niche interests, transforming once-secret desires into openly sought experiences. The Internet acts as a "new 'facelessness'," providing anonymity that engages users in raw sex without immediate societal reprimand.

Transformative impact. The Internet's influence extends beyond mere access; it actively shapes and expands individuals' erotic imaginations. For many young people, their first sexual fantasies are formed online, influenced by the vast array of content available. It has also contributed to a shift in gender dynamics, with women increasingly viewing men as sexual objects and exploring voyeuristic desires, a phenomenon less prevalent before the digital age.

11. Sexual Liberation: An Ongoing, Vigilant Journey

Never take sexual freedom for granted.

A continuous struggle. Despite significant progress in sexual liberation since the 1970s, the author warns that sexual freedom is never fully won and repression "never sleeps." The pendulum of societal attitudes can swing back, making vigilance crucial. The acceptance of erotic fantasies, particularly those deemed "out-of-control," remains a delicate balance, as powerful sexual expression can still "scare both women and men."

Beyond patriarchy. The feminist movement profoundly influenced this liberation, allowing women to move out of traditional roles and into every sphere previously dominated by men. This revolutionary shift enabled women to "own their erotic fantasies" and recognize their sexual independence. The ability to control one's sexual destiny, including masturbation, became a source of energy that fueled broader freedoms and self-definition.

The evolving landscape. Today's sexual landscape is characterized by fluidity and complexity, with traditional gender roles and sexual identities constantly being redefined. While this offers immense freedom, it also presents new challenges, such as the potential for addiction to online sexual outlets or the impact of increased competition and stress on personal relationships. Ultimately, embracing one's sexual nature, including its "dark" or unconventional aspects, is presented as a natural and healthy part of being human, essential for wholeness and pleasure.

Last updated: July 30, 2025