Boundaries

1. Boundaries Define You and Your Responsibility

Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me.

Invisible property lines. Just as physical fences mark where your land begins and ends, spiritual and emotional boundaries define where you end and someone else begins. This distinction is crucial for understanding ownership – what is yours to control and be responsible for. Without clear boundaries, confusion reigns, leading to pain and a sense of being out of control.

Responsible for self, to others. The Bible teaches we are responsible for ourselves (our feelings, attitudes, behaviors, choices) and to others (caring, helping within limits). Problems arise when we take responsibility for others (carrying their daily "knapsack" loads) or expect others to take responsibility for us, instead of helping them with overwhelming "boulder" burdens. Knowing what is your "load" versus someone else's "burden" is key to healthy boundaries.

Good in, bad out. Boundaries act like gates, allowing good things (love, support, truth) to come in and bad things (harm, control, irresponsibility) to stay out. They also allow bad things within us (sin, pain) to be expressed and good things within us (talents, love) to flow out. Effective boundaries are permeable, not walls, allowing for connection while maintaining protection.

2. Boundary Problems Show Up as Compliance, Avoidance, or Control

Compliant people have fuzzy and indistinct boundaries; they “melt” into the demands and needs of other people.

Saying yes to the bad. Compliants struggle to say no, fearing disapproval, abandonment, or conflict. They take on too much, resent inwardly, and often fail to recognize or refuse evil. This "yes" comes from fear, not love.

Saying no to the good. Avoidants struggle to ask for help or receive support. They withdraw when in need, seeing their own needs as bad or shameful. Their boundaries act like walls, keeping both bad and good out, leading to isolation.

Not respecting others' boundaries. Controllers try to make others carry their loads. Aggressive controllers run over others' limits directly, while manipulative controllers use guilt or indirect means to get their way. They resist taking responsibility for themselves and are often isolated. Nonresponsives fail to hear or respond to the legitimate needs of others, either due to criticism or self-absorption.

3. Boundaries Are Built, Not Inherited, Starting in Childhood

Boundaries aren’t inherited. They are built.

Developmental stages. Boundary abilities develop through stages, primarily in early childhood:

• Bonding (0-5 months): Foundation of safety and attachment with caregivers.
• Hatching (5-10 months): Awareness of self as distinct from mother ("not-me").
• Practicing (10-18 months): Exploration, independence, learning to walk/talk ("I can do anything!").
• Rapprochement (18-36 months): Return to reality, realizing limits ("I can't do everything"), learning anger, ownership ("mine"), and the word "no."

Boundary injuries. Problems arise when parents hinder this process:

• Withdrawal: Parents pull away when the child sets limits, teaching that boundaries cause loss of love.
• Hostility: Parents react angrily to the child's independence, teaching that boundaries are rebellion.
• Overcontrol: Parents prevent mistakes, fostering dependency.
• Lack of Limits: Parents fail to discipline, hindering responsibility.
• Inconsistent Limits: Conflicting messages create confusion.
• Trauma: Abuse or severe loss shakes foundations of safety and control.

Adult development. Adolescence and young adulthood are key periods for re-working boundary issues. While childhood is crucial, healing and building boundaries is possible throughout life, especially with support.

4. Life Operates by Boundary Laws Like Sowing and Reaping

You reap whatever you sow.

Cause and effect. God's world has built-in laws. The Law of Sowing and Reaping means our actions have consequences. If we sow irresponsibility, we reap negative results. Interfering with this law by rescuing others from consequences enables their destructive behavior. Boundaries allow consequences to fall where they belong.

Power and responsibility. The Law of Power states we are powerless over others but have power over ourselves. We can confess truth, submit inability to God, seek help, repent, make amends, and influence others by changing ourselves. We cannot change the past, the weather, or other people. Wisdom lies in knowing the difference.

Motivation and evaluation. The Law of Motivation emphasizes freedom first, service second. Giving out of fear, guilt, or obligation is not true love and leads to resentment. The Law of Evaluation helps us discern if the pain caused by our boundaries is harmful (like sugar) or helpful (like a dentist's drill). Healthy boundaries may cause hurt but lead to growth.

5. Many Common Beliefs About Boundaries Are Myths

Appropriate boundaries actually increase our ability to care about others.

Myth: Boundaries are selfish. Truth: Boundaries are about stewardship of the life God gave us. Taking responsibility for our needs and resources allows us to give freely and effectively, not out of depletion or resentment. Selfishness is fixation on wishes; stewardship is responsible care.

Myth: Boundaries are disobedience. Truth: A lack of boundaries often signals internal disobedience. Saying yes out of fear or compulsion is not biblical obedience, which comes from a cheerful heart. An internal "no" nullifies an external "yes."

Myth: Boundaries hurt others. Truth: Boundaries are defensive, protecting our treasures. While they may cause discomfort or disappointment in others (who must then take responsibility for their own needs), they don't cause injury. They clarify relationships and expose existing problems.

Myth: Boundaries mean I am angry. Truth: Anger is an early warning signal that boundaries have been violated. It doesn't cause boundaries but alerts us to the need for them. As boundaries mature, the need for anger diminishes because violations are prevented.

Myth: Others' boundaries injure me. Truth: Accepting others' boundaries teaches us responsibility and empathy. While inappropriate boundaries set on us (especially in childhood) can cause injury, a healthy "no" from others helps us carry our own load and develop a support network beyond one person.

Myth: Boundaries cause guilt. Truth: Guilt often comes from an overactive, unbiblical conscience. Setting healthy boundaries may trigger this false guilt, but it's a sign of growth. Learning to distinguish true guilt (godly sorrow for sin) from false guilt (condemnation for doing right) is key.

6. Boundaries Are Crucial for Healthy Relationships with Family, Friends, and Spouse

More marriages fail because of poor boundaries than for any other reason.

Family of Origin: Problems like "catching the virus" (family issues affecting current life), feeling like "second fiddle" (allegiance to parents over spouse), financial dependency, perpetual child syndrome, and triangulation (pulling a third person into a conflict) stem from unresolved boundary issues with the family you grew up in. Leaving and cleaving is essential for adult relationships.

Friends: Boundary conflicts with friends include compliant/compliant (neither gets what they want), compliant/controller (one is run over), and compliant/nonresponsive (one does all the work). Friendships, though often lacking formal commitment, require mutual respect for boundaries to thrive. Learning to say no and accept no strengthens these bonds.

Spouse: Marriage involves becoming "one flesh" while maintaining individual identity. Boundaries clarify ownership of feelings, desires, limits, etc. Problems arise when spouses try to control each other's internal world or fail to take responsibility for their own. Healthy marriage requires balancing togetherness and separateness, respecting limits, and communicating boundaries clearly (words, truth, consequences, distance, time, support). Submission is mutual and rooted in freedom, not control.

7. Setting Boundaries with Yourself is Essential for Self-Control

We have met the enemy, and he is us.

Internal conflicts. We need boundaries not just with others, but with ourselves. Out-of-control behaviors like overeating, financial mismanagement, poor time management, task incompletion, uncontrolled tongue, sexual compulsions, and substance abuse are signs of internal boundary problems.

Why it's hard. Setting boundaries on ourselves is difficult because:

• We are our own worst enemies; internal problems are harder than external ones.
• We withdraw from relationships when we need support most.
• We rely on willpower, which is insufficient against deep-seated issues.

Building self-boundaries. This requires:

• Identifying the underlying need driving the behavior.
• Allowing ourselves to fail and learn from consequences.
• Receiving empathic feedback from others.
• Welcoming consequences as teachers.
• Surrounding ourselves with supportive, non-rescuing people.

This process is cyclical, building stronger internal limits over time through grace, truth, and practice.

8. God Himself Has Boundaries and Respects Ours

God respects our boundaries in many ways.

Divine limits. God defines Himself, is responsible for Himself, and has boundaries within the Trinity. He also sets limits on what He allows in His "yard" (confronting sin, allowing consequences). He is not a boundaryless being.

Respecting our freedom. God respects our personal boundaries. He leaves work for us, allows us to experience consequences, and respects our "no." He doesn't control or nag but allows us to make choices, even if they lead away from Him. He desires honesty in our relationship, even expressing anger towards Him.

We must respect His. We need to respect God's boundaries and His choices, even when He says "no" to our requests. Trying to manipulate or demand from God is childish entitlement. Embracing His freedom deepens our relationship. While we must respect His limits, He also invites us to reason with Him and persist in prayer, sometimes changing His mind.

God models self-respect. God takes responsibility for His own pain when we reject Him. He doesn't stay in destructive situations but makes moves to make things better, sometimes letting go of rejecting people. He models taking responsibility for His own property (His heart) and acting wisely for His own good.

9. Developing Boundaries Requires Facing Resistance

Even with the desire for a better life, we can be reluctant to do the work of boundaries for another reason: it will be a war.

Outside resistance. When you start setting boundaries, expect pushback from others who benefited from your lack of limits. This can manifest as:

• Angry Reactions: Controllers get angry when they lose control.
• Guilt Messages: Manipulators use guilt to make you feel bad for setting limits.
• Consequences/Countermoves: Controlling people may withdraw resources or relationships.
• Physical Resistance: In abusive situations, setting limits can provoke violence, requiring outside help.
• Pain of Others: Seeing loved ones hurt by your boundaries is difficult, but necessary if you were enabling irresponsibility.
• Blamers: They make their misery your fault for not giving them what they want.

Inside resistance. Your own internal struggles will fight against boundaries:

• Unmet Needs: Past deprivations can make you fear losing connection if you set limits.
• Unresolved Grief: Letting go of the hope that someone will change requires grieving what will never be.
• Internal Fears of Anger: Fearing the "angry parent" in your head makes you comply with others.
• Fear of the Unknown: Stepping into independence is scary.
• Unforgiveness: Holding onto past hurts keeps you tied to the abuser and destroys boundaries.
• External Focus: Blaming others keeps you from taking responsibility for your own change.
• Guilt: False guilt from a weak conscience condemns you for doing right.
• Abandonment Fears: Lack of secure bonding makes setting limits terrifying.

Facing these resistances requires desire, support, practice, and faith.

10. Progress in Boundary Development Can Be Measured

Specific, orderly changes herald the emerging of mature boundaries.

Signs of growth. Boundary development is a process with recognizable steps:

• Resentment: Feeling irritation signals awareness of violations.
• Change of Tastes: Becoming drawn to people with clear boundaries.
• Joining the Family: Connecting with a supportive group for strength.
• Treasuring Treasures: Valuing your own soul, time, resources, etc.
• Practicing Baby No's: Setting limits in safe, supportive relationships.
• Rejoicing in Guilty Feelings: Recognizing the conscience's resistance to healthy boundaries.
• Practicing Grownup No's: Setting limits in significant, challenging relationships.
• Rejoicing in Absence of Guilty Feelings: Conscience matures, aligning with biblical values.
• Loving the Boundaries of Others: Respecting others' limits, even when it costs you.
• Freeing Our No and Our Yes: Making choices responsibly, not out of compulsion or fear.
• Mature Boundaries: Value-driven goal setting, proactive living, self-control, leading to freedom and intimacy.

This journey moves from being controlled by others or internal issues to living a life of purpose, love, and responsibility.

11. A Life with Boundaries Brings Freedom and Intimacy

It’s our prayer that your biblical boundaries will lead you to a life of love, freedom, responsibility, and service.

Transformation is possible. As seen in Sherrie's story, applying boundary principles fundamentally changes life. She moved from chaos, resentment, and being controlled by others' demands and her own fears to living with intentionality, peace, and genuine connection. This wasn't magic, but the fruit of hard work, support, and facing difficult truths.

Fruits of healthy boundaries. A life with boundaries is characterized by:

• Self-Control: Managing time, money, health, and emotions effectively.
• Authenticity: Living honestly, aligning internal truth with external actions.
• Intimacy: Building deep, mutual relationships based on freedom and respect.
• Purpose: Pursuing God-given goals and values, not just reacting to others.
• Peace: Reduced resentment, guilt, and chaos.

Ongoing journey. While maturity is a goal, boundary work is often a lifelong process. Resistances may reappear, and new challenges will arise. However, having the tools and support to navigate these issues allows for continued growth and a deepening experience of God's grace and the abundant life He intends.

Last updated: May 12, 2025