Conscious Loving

1. Conscious Loving: Embracing Co-Commitment Over Co-Dependence

"Co-dependence is an agreement between people to stay locked in unconscious patterns. Co-commitment is an agreement to become more conscious."

The shift to co-commitment. Conscious loving involves moving from co-dependent patterns to a state of co-commitment. In co-dependence, partners unconsciously agree to maintain destructive behaviors and limit each other's potential. Co-commitment, on the other hand, is a state where both partners support each other's growth and full expression.

Key aspects of co-commitment:

• Mutual support for individual development
• Revealing oneself fully rather than concealing
• Taking 100% responsibility for one's reality
• Commitment to having a good time in relationships

Co-committed relationships foster increased energy, creativity, and harmony. They require courage to face and resolve issues that arise from closeness, rather than avoiding or projecting them onto one's partner.

2. Recognizing and Overcoming the Nine Traps of Unconscious Loving

"Many of the problematic behaviors in which people engage in relationships, from extramarital affairs to abuse of credit, can be seen as adolescent boundary-making strategies carried forward into adulthood."

Identifying relationship traps. The authors outline nine common traps that keep people locked in unconscious loving patterns. These include allowing destructive behavior, recreating parental relationships, and engaging in power struggles.

Key traps to watch for:

• Letting others get away with destructive behavior
• Forming relationships that resemble parental patterns
• Continual conflict or conflict avoidance
• Messing up when success is at hand
• Perpetuating dependence

Recognizing these traps is the first step toward breaking free from unconscious patterns. By understanding how these traps manifest in relationships, individuals can make conscious choices to create healthier dynamics.

3. The Seven Steps to Co-Commitment: A Path to Relationship Transformation

"Co-commitment begins when each person claims 100 percent responsibility for creating everything that goes on in the relationship."

The journey to co-commitment. The authors outline seven crucial steps to transform relationships from unconscious entanglements to conscious, co-committed partnerships:

1. Commitment
2. Learning to love yourself
3. Learning to feel
4. Claiming creativity
5. Learning to tell the microscopic truth
6. Keeping your agreements
7. Learning to live in a state of continuous positive energy

Each step builds upon the previous one, creating a foundation for deeper intimacy and mutual growth. The process requires both partners to take full responsibility for their experiences and to actively work on their personal development.

4. Mastering the Upper Limits Problem: Sustaining Positive Energy

"The Upper Limits Problem is the phrase we use to describe this unique human tendency. It is the only problem you have to solve, because in a co-committed relationship you trade in all your former problems for this one: how to let yourself expand continuously into more positive energy."

Overcoming resistance to positivity. The Upper Limits Problem refers to the tendency to sabotage oneself when experiencing too much positive energy. This often manifests as creating conflict, illness, or accidents after periods of closeness or success.

Strategies for handling the Upper Limits Problem:

• Recognize when you're approaching your upper limit
• Take space to integrate positive experiences
• Practice "scattering the ash" through breath and movement
• Engage in non-sexual touch to ground yourself
• Turn complaints into requests

By addressing the Upper Limits Problem, couples can sustain longer periods of positive energy and deepen their connection.

5. The Power of Microscopic Truth-Telling in Relationships

"The microscopic truth is never righteous. It is always a clear, specific statement of what is happening inside right here and now."

Cultivating radical honesty. Microscopic truth-telling involves communicating the most subtle and specific truths about one's internal experience. This practice fosters deeper intimacy and understanding between partners.

Guidelines for microscopic truth-telling:

• Focus on describing sensations and feelings in the body
• Avoid judgments, interpretations, or blame
• Use "I" statements rather than "you" statements
• Be willing to reveal uncomfortable truths

By consistently practicing microscopic truth-telling, couples can dissolve barriers to intimacy and create a foundation of trust and openness.

6. Keeping Agreements: The Foundation of Trust and Intimacy

"Keeping agreements is essential to co-committed relationships. If you and your partner cannot keep agreements with each other, the cost will be very high."

The importance of reliability. Keeping agreements is crucial for building trust and maintaining positive energy in relationships. Broken agreements drain energy and create barriers to intimacy.

Steps for effective agreement-keeping:

• Make clear, specific agreements
• Communicate if you're unable to keep an agreement
• Acknowledge when you've broken an agreement
• Explore the underlying reasons for breaking agreements

By prioritizing agreement-keeping, couples create a sense of safety and reliability in their relationship, allowing for deeper connection and growth.

7. Healing the Past: Overcoming Traumas and Projections

"Problems with people 'out there' rarely have anything to do with them. People are simply screens onto which we cast our projections."

Addressing unresolved issues. Unhealed traumas and unresolved past experiences often manifest as projections onto current relationships. Recognizing and healing these issues is crucial for creating conscious, healthy partnerships.

Strategies for healing the past:

• Identify patterns that stem from childhood experiences
• Explore and complete unfinished emotional business
• Practice seeing your partner as they are, not as a projection
• Use the "Healing Dialogue" technique to access your Inner Self

By working through past traumas and projections, individuals can approach their relationships with greater clarity and presence.

8. Embracing Feelings: The Key to Emotional Intelligence in Relationships

"Feelings are our spontaneous reactions to things, and of course you must learn appropriate ways to express your feelings."

Developing emotional awareness. Learning to recognize, feel, and express emotions is crucial for creating authentic connections in relationships. Many people struggle with emotional awareness due to past conditioning.

Steps for embracing feelings:

• Learn to distinguish between thoughts and feelings
• Practice locating emotions in the body
• Allow yourself to experience the full range of emotions
• Communicate feelings clearly and directly

By developing emotional intelligence, partners can create a rich emotional landscape in their relationship, fostering deeper understanding and intimacy.

9. Claiming Creativity: Taking Responsibility for Your Reality

"You are the absolute creator of what happens to you. This means now."

Embracing personal power. Claiming creativity involves taking full responsibility for one's experiences and recognizing oneself as the source of one's reality. This shift in perspective empowers individuals to create positive change in their relationships.

Key aspects of claiming creativity:

• Dropping victim mentality
• Recognizing and changing limiting beliefs
• Taking responsibility for one's choices and actions
• Focusing on solutions rather than blame

By claiming creativity, individuals can break free from unconscious patterns and actively co-create the relationships they desire.

10. Developing Effective Communication Skills for Co-Committed Relationships

"Make statements instead of asking questions."

Enhancing clear communication. Effective communication is essential for maintaining co-committed relationships. The authors provide specific techniques for improving communication and avoiding common pitfalls.

Key communication skills:

• Use "I" statements instead of "you" statements
• Avoid using negatives unless they are true
• Empower instead of rescue
• Avoid redefining or devaluing others' experiences

By practicing these communication skills, couples can create a foundation of clear, honest, and supportive dialogue, fostering deeper understanding and connection in their relationships.

Last updated: October 9, 2024