Couples That Work

1. Dual-career couples face three major transitions in their lives

"I discovered that dual-career couples faced three transitions during their working lives. Each required couples to face different challenges, and each, if well navigated, renewed their relationship and took it to a deeper level."

Three major transitions. Dual-career couples navigate three significant life transitions:

1. First transition (typically in 20s-30s): Moving from independent to interdependent lives
2. Second transition (typically in 40s): Questioning and redefining personal and professional goals
3. Third transition (typically in 50s and beyond): Reinventing themselves for the final career stage

Each transition presents unique challenges and opportunities for growth, both individually and as a couple. Successfully navigating these transitions can lead to a stronger, more fulfilling relationship and career satisfaction for both partners.

2. The first transition: Achieving interdependence in careers and family

"How can we make this work?"

Balancing careers and family. The first transition revolves around accommodating major life events, such as career opportunities or starting a family. Couples must:

• Negotiate career prioritization (e.g., primary-secondary, turn-taking, or double-primary models)
• Divide family commitments
• Create a joint path that allows both partners to thrive

Key strategies for success:

• Open communication about values, boundaries, and fears
• Deliberate decision-making
• Flexibility in adjusting plans as circumstances change

3. The second transition: Discovering what you really want in life and work

"What do we really want?"

Reassessing goals and identities. The second transition involves questioning established patterns and re-evaluating personal and professional aspirations. Couples must:

• Shift focus from adapting to social expectations to identifying individual desires
• Support each other's exploration and growth
• Renegotiate roles within the relationship

This transition often involves:

• Periods of uncertainty and soul-searching
• Potential career changes or pivots
• Redefining the relationship dynamic

4. The third transition: Reinventing yourselves for the final career stage

"Who are we now?"

Embracing new identities. The third transition occurs as couples approach the later stages of their careers and face significant role shifts. Key aspects include:

• Dealing with career plateaus and changing professional identities
• Adjusting to empty nest syndrome and evolving parental roles
• Exploring new passions and interests beyond work and family

Couples must:

• Reassess their identities individually and as a unit
• Find new sources of meaning and purpose
• Plan for the next chapter of their lives together

5. Communication and deliberate decision-making are crucial for success

"Couples that work figure out the answer to this defining question deliberately, together."

Open dialogue and joint decisions. Successful dual-career couples prioritize:

• Regular, honest communication about goals, fears, and challenges
• Shared decision-making processes for major life choices
• Proactive planning for future transitions and potential obstacles

Strategies for effective communication:

• Practice active listening and empathy
• Avoid criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling
• Foster a growth mindset in the relationship

6. Shared passions strengthen relationships beyond careers and family

"Many of the couples I have spoken to have a huge variety of shared passions, from playing in a music band together, to running a scout group, to sailing, to renovating and reselling houses."

Bonding through shared interests. Couples who cultivate shared passions outside of work and family responsibilities often have stronger, more resilient relationships. Benefits include:

• Creating a unique identity as a couple
• Providing a buffer against career and family stressors
• Maintaining connection and intimacy throughout life transitions

Examples of shared passions:

• Creative pursuits (e.g., music, art, writing)
• Physical activities (e.g., sports, hiking, dance)
• Community involvement (e.g., volunteering, activism)

7. Couples must rebalance roles and expectations throughout their journey

"The second transition is thus triggered by a combination of two forces—the drive to individuate that is part of the life cycle and the need to tackle the division of roles within a couple that is a consequence of the first transition."

Adapting to change. Throughout their journey, couples must:

• Regularly reassess and adjust their roles within the relationship
• Balance individual growth with the needs of the partnership
• Remain flexible in the face of changing circumstances and priorities

Key areas for rebalancing:

• Career prioritization and support
• Division of household and family responsibilities
• Personal time and space for individual pursuits

8. Late love and gray divorce: New trends in dual-career relationships

"The rise of so-called gray divorces has been well documented. In the United States alone, the divorce rate has doubled in the over-fifties since the 1990s."

Changing relationship dynamics. Two emerging trends in dual-career relationships:

1. Late love: Finding new partnerships later in life, often after previous marriages
2. Gray divorce: Increasing rates of divorce among older couples

Factors contributing to these trends:

• Longer life expectancies and healthier aging
• Financial independence, especially for women
• Desire for personal fulfillment and growth in later years

9. Embracing change and exploration leads to personal and professional growth

"To overcome the pull of speed and productivity, you must enter liminality with acceptance—acceptance that the process will take time and acceptance that your most important tool is your ability to make sense of the experiences you have within liminality."

Growth through uncertainty. Embracing change and exploring new possibilities can lead to significant personal and professional development. Key aspects:

• Accepting periods of uncertainty and transition as opportunities for growth
• Engaging in self-reflection and exploration of new interests
• Allowing time for the process of change and self-discovery

Strategies for embracing change:

• Seek out new experiences and learning opportunities
• Practice mindfulness and self-awareness
• Support your partner's growth and exploration

10. Successful couples invest in each other's development and well-being

"We want them to be committed not only to us, but also to our development and to our potential."

Mutual support and growth. Thriving dual-career couples:

• Actively support each other's personal and professional development
• Encourage exploration of new interests and passions
• Celebrate each other's successes and provide comfort during setbacks

Ways to invest in your partner's growth:

• Offer emotional support and encouragement
• Provide practical assistance (e.g., time, resources) for pursuing goals
• Show genuine interest in your partner's aspirations and challenges

By prioritizing each other's well-being and growth, couples can build stronger, more resilient relationships that weather the challenges of dual-career life.

Last updated: October 14, 2024