Creating Love

1. Mystification: The root of dysfunctional relationships and love

Mystification is an altered state of consciousness in which a person feels and believes that there is something wrong with them as they are, and creates a false self in order to be accepted by their parents or other crucial survival figures.

Origins of mystification. Mystification begins in childhood, often due to family dysfunction and cultural influences. It stems from experiences of shame, abandonment, and unmet needs. This altered state of consciousness leads individuals to create a false self to gain acceptance and survive emotionally.

Impact on relationships. Mystified individuals struggle to form healthy relationships, often reenacting childhood patterns. They may idealize or degrade partners, struggle with intimacy, and have unrealistic expectations. Mystification affects all types of relationships, including those with parents, children, friends, and romantic partners.

• Common signs of mystification:
  • Difficulty expressing emotions
  • Perfectionism or feeling "never good enough"
  • Codependency or extreme independence
  • Repeating dysfunctional relationship patterns

2. Understanding the stages of mystification and its impact on self-identity

Stage Two of mystification occurs precisely because the deep trances are immediate ways out of the pain.

Stages of mystification. The process of mystification unfolds in several stages, beginning with shame binds and progressing through deep trance phenomena, governing scenes, and generalized confusion. Each stage further disconnects individuals from their authentic selves.

Impact on self-identity. As mystification deepens, individuals lose touch with their true feelings, needs, and desires. They develop coping mechanisms and defenses that, while initially protective, ultimately hinder personal growth and authentic self-expression.

• Key stages of mystification:
  1. Shame binds
  2. Deep trance phenomena
  3. Governing scenes
  4. Generalized confusion
  5. False self creation

3. The false self: Ultimate mystification and its consequences

The purpose of the false self is to defend against pain—not deal with reality.

Creation of the false self. The false self emerges as a defense mechanism against childhood pain and shame. It represents an idealized or degraded version of the self, designed to gain acceptance and avoid further hurt.

Consequences of living with a false self. While the false self may provide temporary protection, it ultimately leads to a sense of emptiness, disconnection, and inability to form authentic relationships. Individuals may struggle with intimacy, self-worth, and finding meaning in life.

• Characteristics of the false self:
  • Perfectionism or chronic underachievement
  • People-pleasing or rebelliousness
  • Difficulty expressing true emotions
  • Feeling like an impostor

4. Demystification: Breaking free from internalized patterns

It is not possible to live too long … in the bosom of the family, without endangering one's psychic health. Life calls us forth to independence.

The process of demystification. Demystification involves recognizing and challenging internalized patterns, beliefs, and behaviors that stem from childhood mystification. It requires courage, self-reflection, and often the support of others.

Benefits of demystification. As individuals demystify, they gain a clearer sense of self, improved relationships, and greater emotional freedom. They become better able to make authentic choices and live in alignment with their true values and desires.

• Steps in the demystification process:
  1. Recognizing mystified patterns
  2. Challenging internalized beliefs
  3. Grieving unmet childhood needs
  4. Developing new, healthier ways of relating
  5. Embracing authentic self-expression

5. Soulful love: Embracing healthy shame and polarity

Soul is ultimately love.

Understanding soulful love. Soulful love involves embracing both the light and dark aspects of human nature. It recognizes the inherent value and complexity of each individual, fostering deep connection and growth.

Healthy shame and polarity. Soulful love incorporates healthy shame, which acknowledges human limitations and fosters humility. It also embraces polarity, recognizing that opposites can coexist and that tension between them can be a source of growth and creativity.

• Characteristics of soulful love:
  • Acceptance of human imperfection
  • Willingness to face and work through conflicts
  • Appreciation for the mystery and depth of others
  • Balance between independence and intimacy

6. Parental love: Meeting children at their map of the world

To meet them at their map of the world meant establishing rapport with them.

Understanding the child's perspective. Soulful parenting involves recognizing and respecting the child's unique perspective and emotional experiences. This requires empathy, patience, and a willingness to see beyond surface behaviors.

Effective communication and support. By meeting children at their map of the world, parents can provide more effective emotional support, guidance, and discipline. This approach fosters trust, emotional intelligence, and healthy development.

• Strategies for meeting children at their map:
  • Active listening and mirroring emotions
  • Using age-appropriate language and explanations
  • Respecting the child's feelings while setting appropriate boundaries
  • Providing a safe space for self-expression and exploration

7. Self-love: The journey from recovery to discovery

Self-love and self-preservation are the ground of our humanity.

Stages of self-love development. The journey to self-love often begins with recovery from past wounds, progresses through uncovery of authentic needs and desires, and culminates in discovery of one's true potential and purpose.

Importance of self-love. Developing genuine self-love is crucial for forming healthy relationships, pursuing personal growth, and living a fulfilling life. It involves accepting all aspects of oneself, including flaws and vulnerabilities.

• Key aspects of developing self-love:
  1. Recognizing and challenging negative self-talk
  2. Practicing self-compassion and forgiveness
  3. Setting healthy boundaries in relationships
  4. Pursuing personal interests and passions
  5. Celebrating personal achievements, both big and small

8. Friendship: A powerful tool for demystification and growth

Friendship is the most fully human of all loves because it is based not on hormones or blood ties, but on free choice, and free choice is what makes us most human.

The unique value of friendship. Friendships offer a special opportunity for growth, self-discovery, and demystification. Unlike family or romantic relationships, friendships are chosen freely and can provide a safe space for authentic self-expression.

Cultivating soulful friendships. Developing deep, meaningful friendships requires vulnerability, trust, and a willingness to work through conflicts. These relationships can be powerful catalysts for personal growth and self-understanding.

• Characteristics of soulful friendships:
  • Mutual respect and support
  • Honest communication, including the ability to confront lovingly
  • Shared interests and values
  • Commitment to each other's growth and well-being

9. Spousal love: Navigating the stages of intimacy

Marriage is "yes" and "no" and "maybe"—a relationship of trust that is shaped in the primal ambivalence of love and hate.

Stages of spousal love. Intimate relationships typically progress through stages, including initial infatuation, power struggles, and, ideally, mature interdependence. Each stage presents unique challenges and opportunities for growth.

Creating soulful spousal love. Developing a deep, soulful connection with a partner requires ongoing commitment, communication, and willingness to work through conflicts. It involves balancing individual needs with the needs of the relationship.

• Key elements of soulful spousal love:
  • Maintaining individual identities while fostering connection
  • Negotiating differences and conflicts respectfully
  • Supporting each other's personal growth
  • Cultivating shared experiences and intimacy
  • Adapting to life changes and challenges together

Last updated: March 31, 2025