Deep Mentoring

1. Deep Mentoring Requires Intentional Noticing

What she mostly wanted, he learned, was the same thing many people want—someone to notice she was there.

Unnoticedness is pervasive. Many people today carry a deep sense of being overlooked, much like the mental patient Morrie Schwartz encountered, who simply wanted someone to notice her. This collective overlooking runs rampant in society, even within Christian communities, where anonymity often characterizes social interactions. This lack of genuine attention hinders spiritual growth and leadership development.

Cultural conditions obstruct. Four prevalent cultural conditions actively frustrate deep investment and attentiveness to others. These include:

• Skimming the surface: A widespread superficiality in discipleship, prioritizing breadth over depth.
• One size fits all: Applying generalized solutions to complex human and relational needs, reducing individuals to their lowest common denominator.
• Means toward ends: Using people instrumentally for "greater" purposes, devaluing individual lives.
• Faster ways: An addiction to speed and efficiency that erodes the capacity for patient, deep engagement.

Become detectives of divinity. To counter these trends, we must cultivate a "seeing heart" and become "detectives of divinity," actively looking for evidence of God's work in people's lives. This involves a ministry of paying attention, recognizing that God is already at work, and partnering with Him in the learning endeavor. This shift from merely enlisting volunteers to investing in people's unique formation is crucial for fostering genuine maturity and empowerment.

2. Your Life is a Story, God is the Co-Author

To be a person is to have a story to tell.

Life as a narrative. Our lives are not random collections of events but unfolding narratives with themes, plots, characters, and twists. This story framework offers a constructive way to make sense of our experiences, fostering connectivity between past and present, and allowing us to see God's sovereign hand creatively shaping our journey through both good and painful circumstances.

Double knowledge is essential. True spiritual wisdom involves a "double knowledge": knowing God more intimately and knowing ourselves more truthfully. Many Christians flounder because they focus solely on knowing God without deeply understanding their own hearts, leading to a gap between appearance and reality. Reflecting on our life story helps us confront self-deception and embrace God's reforming work in our unique personalities and characters.

Objective choice and empowerment. Viewing our lives as stories allows us to step back, reflect, and make objective choices about our interpretations and future directions. We become co-authors, not just passive characters, instilling a renewed sense of empowerment and motivation. This narrative approach invites adult learners into a dynamic process where learning meets life, precipitating a thirst for more truthful and coherent ways of living.

3. God's Shaping Begins in Your Foundation

God providentially works through family, contextual background, and historical events including the timing of the birth of each leader.

Early years are foundational. Much of God's preparatory work in our lives occurs "below the surface" during childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood, often becoming apparent only much later. These early years instill our "defaults"—habits of managing life—and shape our personality, laying the groundwork for future leadership. Examining this foundation helps us understand who we've become and how we tend to respond to the world.

Four lenses for early formation. To understand God's early shaping, we can use four lenses:

• Cultural and Historical Context: The "where and when" of our birth shapes our worldview (e.g., individualism in North America, impact of the Great Depression).
• Family History: Our family of origin passes on ways of seeing and being, influencing our character, perspectives, and habits (e.g., dealing with conflict, trust issues).
• Social Base: Habits of personal life management (economic, social, emotional, strategic support) learned early on, which can become fault lines if unaddressed.
• Spiritual Background Patterns: Five common patterns (heritage, radical commitment, accelerated, delayed, destiny) reveal how we first took God's calling seriously, each with inherent advantages and disadvantages.

Remembering fosters hope. Exploring these early years, even the painful parts, helps us recognize God's already-present action and love. This providential awareness moves us from randomness to order, confusion to perseverance, and unawareness to gratitude. It renews hope in God's deep love and confirms His ongoing work in our lives, preparing us for the "good works" He has destined us to do.

4. Preparation: God Works In You Before Through You

During [this time] God is primarily working in the leader and not through him or her.

A season of cultivation. The preparation phase, lasting 10-25 years, is a time when God's work in us is paramount. While there may be ministry activity, the primary focus is on our own spiritual growth and character development. This season cultivates an awareness that "something is going on" with us, stirring our hearts to greater faithfulness and spiritual hunger.

Signs of preparatory work. God's forming and calling work manifests through several dynamics:

• Increased yearning for intimacy with God: A shift from duty to relational depth.
• Growing recognition of holiness: Understanding godly character as central to service.
• Desiring relationships with seasoned believers: Seeking models and wisdom from those further along.
• Awareness of leadership as service: Grappling with Jesus' servant image, conflicting with romantic notions of leadership.
• Growing awareness of a sense of destiny: An inner conviction that God has a special purpose for us, confirmed by "destiny moments" (awe-inspiring, indirect, providential, unusual blessings).

Growing toward dependability. This phase involves "checks" that test our integrity, obedience, faith, and responsiveness to God's Word. These challenges, though often difficult, forge dependability and prepare us for greater influence. God uses these experiences to deepen our character, ensuring we can bear the weight of His work and blessing, rather than relying solely on our competencies.

5. Serve from Your True Identity, Not Just Your Achievements

God is more concerned with our identity and character than with our achievement and productivity.

Identity over achievement. The contribution phase marks a pivotal shift: we learn to lead and serve out of who we are in Christ, rather than being defined by our accomplishments. This profound lesson confronts the temptation to measure worth by achievement and productivity, inviting us to rest in God's creative and reconciling love as our true ground.

Crucibles of transformation. This shift often emerges from a significant "boundary time"—a period of disorientation, brokenness, and refinement. These "crucibles" (conflict, crisis, isolation) force us to confront our ego and answer fundamental questions about who we are and what truly matters. Leaders who navigate these times faithfully emerge with a renewed sense of purpose and a deeper, more authentic relationship with God.

Processing the boundary. Moving through these challenging transitions involves three stages:

• Looking back: Honestly processing past hurts, disappointments, and questions, allowing for necessary grieving.
• Looking upward: Prayerfully seeking God's guidance, surrendering what has been, and embracing what is to come, often in "liminal space" of unknowing.
• Looking ahead: Making decisions about future direction with clarity, grounded in a renewed identity and purpose, often with the help of trusted mentors.

This process cultivates a profound awareness that God's transforming work within us must always precede the work He desires to do through us, preventing us from crumbling under the weight of His blessing.

6. Finishing Well Means Investing in Others' Growth

Unless we experience God’s ongoing development we will not be able to help others develop their leadership capacity.

A developmental mindset. The multiplication phase invites leaders toward deeper growth and maturity, coupled with a profound concern for investing in others. This "developmental mindset" involves two critical questions: "How will I continue to cultivate a growing interior life with God?" and "How can I move toward an entrusting way with others?" This shift moves beyond personal achievement to a legacy of empowering the next generation.

Cultivating interior life. Sustaining faithful leadership requires ongoing groundwork for our inner lives:

• Cultivating a love of God: Guarding against self-serving leadership by deepening our awareness of God's prior love for us.
• Cultivating a desire to learn: Maintaining a lifelong learning posture, resisting stagnation and complacency.
• Cultivating a life together: Resisting the "lone-ranger" myth, recognizing that spiritual growth is too hard to maintain alone and flourishes in community.

Moving toward an entrusting way. Finishing well means passing on what we've received, "entrusting to faithful people who will be able to teach others as well." This involves a relational commitment to facilitate change in others, moving beyond merely "doing" to "being entrusting." It requires overcoming rivalry, envy, and comparison, embracing our unique identity in Christ, and generously sharing our wisdom and experience.

7. Imitate Jesus' Relational Way of Mentoring

A Christian is one who points at Christ and says, “I can’t prove a thing, but there’s something about His eyes and His voice. There’s something about the way he carries His head, His hands, the way He carries His cross—the way He carries me.”

Christianity is an imitative faith. Jesus' life and ministry provide the unique model for how we should relate to and develop others. He didn't just teach; he was with people, immersing himself in their lives. This "coming-alongside-ness" is central to spiritual mentoring, where we listen, get involved, and help others discern God's presence in their stories.

Jesus' four relational ways. Jesus' approach to developing others was:

• Deepening: He consistently invited people below superficialities, using probing questions and parables to challenge assumptions and foster deeper self-discovery and repentance.
• Particularizing: He uniquely noticed individuals, singling them out from crowds (like Zacchaeus or the bleeding woman), seeing their potential beyond their current state, and transforming them through personal attention.
• Hospitable: He created safe, open spaces, scandalously befriending those deemed unworthy (tax collectors, sinners), demonstrating mutual acceptance through table fellowship and genuine friendship.
• Patient: He understood that human development cannot be rushed, graciously guiding his slow-learning disciples through setbacks and repeated lessons, always keeping the end goal of their maturity in mind.

Beyond admiration to imitation. We are called to move beyond mere admiration of Jesus to actively imitating his way. This requires getting out of the stands and onto the field, embracing spiritual companionship, and allowing the Spirit to mentor us into Jesus' loving way in the world.

8. Spiritual Mentoring is a Dynamic, Intentional Relationship

Spiritual mentoring is a relationship between two or more people and the Holy Spirit, where the people can discover, through the already present action of God, three things: (1) intimacy with God (who is God?), (2) identity as beloved children of God (Who am I?), and (3) a unique voice for kingdom responsibility (What am I to do with my life?).

Purposeful companionship. Spiritual mentoring is an intentional relationship, formal or informal, where individuals journey together with the Holy Spirit to discover intimacy with God, their identity as beloved children, and their unique voice for kingdom responsibility. It's not just for specialists but belongs to the priesthood of all believers, practiced in everyday settings.

Five dynamics of effective mentoring. These relationships flourish through five key dynamics:

• Attraction and Initiation: Begins with one person noticing something in another, stirring a desire for intentional connection, often rooted in prayerful discernment.
• Relationship (Trust and Intimacy): Cultivating a hospitable, safe space through vulnerability, active listening, and asking good questions, moving beyond pretense.
• Responsiveness (Teachability): The mentoree's open heart, childlikeness, and willingness to learn are crucial, overcoming hindrances like self-sufficiency or past negative experiences.
• Accountability (Exercises of Grace): Flourishes in a climate of both support and challenge, where consistent presence and inquiry gently encourage growth beyond comfort zones.
• Empowerment (The Goal): The ultimate aim is to help mentorees discover their unique voice and embrace their Ephesians 2:10 reality, partnering with God's creative and reconciling work.

Expectant attention. Effective spiritual mentors pay expectant attention to God's work in others' lives, fostering a community where individuals are seen, heard, and empowered. This process is a "dance" of gentle leadership and teachable responsiveness, leading to profound personal and communal transformation.

9. Christian Leadership Formation is a Counter-Cultural Act

Transformation is about altering the nature of our relatedness and changing the nature of our conversation.

Resisting cultural norms. Christian leadership formation is inherently counter-cultural, resisting the pervasive modern conditions of skimming the surface, one-size-fits-all approaches, using people as means to ends, and the addiction to faster ways. It demands a different nature of work—one that is deepening, particularizing, hospitable, and patient—to truly guide others in Jesus' servant way.

The nature of our work:

• Deepening work: Inviting people below superficialities through listening, asking questions, and providing hope, fostering soul transformation over mere external action.
• Particularizing work: Paying loving attention to the unique details of individuals and communities, recognizing that effective care requires understanding specific contexts, not generalized solutions.
• Hospitable work: Creating safe, open spaces of welcome, respect, and acceptance, affirming human dignity as created in God's image, and fostering belonging where people can flourish.
• Patient work: Embracing a long-haul perspective, trusting God's primary shaping work, and resisting the myth of control and speed. Like a wise farmer, we cooperate with grace, tilling the field and waiting for God's "great work."

Cultivating servant communities. This counter-cultural approach cultivates servant communities—gatherings gripped by Jesus' servant way, where individuals are empowered to learn, serve, and stick together. By shaping the person, we stand a greater chance of shaping everything else, igniting grassroots renewal and fostering unimagined kingdom impact.