Emily Post's Etiquette, The Centennial Edition

1. Etiquette's Core Principles: Respect, Consideration, Honesty

And as fluid as manners are, they all rest on the same fundamental principles: respect, consideration, and honesty.

Foundation of manners. Etiquette isn't about rigid rules, but timeless principles guiding interactions. While specific manners adapt to the times, the core values remain constant. These principles help us navigate a complex world with integrity.

Three pillars. Respect means recognizing the value of others and yourself, shown through actions like being on time or listening attentively. Consideration is thoughtful behavior, thinking how your actions affect others, leading to kindness and helpfulness. Honesty ensures sincerity and integrity, forming the basis of tact.

Beyond the basics. Graciousness (making others feel welcome) and kindness (reflecting warmth) are essential qualities. Courteous people are empathetic, listen well, observe their surroundings, are flexible, and are forgiving of others' mistakes, focusing on comfort over strict adherence to form.

2. Master Everyday Basics: Magic Words, Greetings, Introductions

Good manners start with the famous “magic words.”

Power of simple words. Phrases like "Please," "Thank you," "You're welcome," "Excuse me," and "I'm sorry" are effortless yet powerful. They transform demands into requests, show appreciation, acknowledge mistakes, and convey sympathy, setting a positive tone for interactions.

Greetings matter. Acknowledging others, whether with a simple "Hello," a smile, a nod, or a formal "How do you do?", is fundamental. Failing to greet can be noticed and misinterpreted. Greetings should be pleasant and genuine, adapting formality to the situation.

Making introductions. The only true etiquette breach is failing to introduce people who don't know each other. Speak clearly, use preferred names and titles (formal or informal based on context), and try to find a common topic to start conversation. If someone forgets to introduce you, politely introduce yourself.

3. Be Mindful and Courteous in Public Spaces

Being courteous means taking personal responsibility for the way our actions affect others, showing respect for the space we share and the well-being of those we share it with.

Awareness is key. In crowded, fast-paced environments, it's easy to become self-absorbed. Courtesy requires being aware of how your actions impact those around you, from managing noise levels to respecting shared spaces. Small courtesies keep interactions civil.

Common courtesies include:

• Starting with a smile and pleasant tone.
• Being on time for appointments and social engagements.
• Removing hats indoors as a sign of respect (with exceptions for religious headwear or medical needs).
• Controlling voice volume and cell phone use in public.
• Disposing of trash properly and avoiding spitting.

Navigating shared physical spaces. Whether waiting in line, using elevators, walking on sidewalks, or using public transportation, simple rules apply:

• Wait your turn in lines; don't cut.
• Hold doors for others, regardless of gender, especially if they are elderly, disabled, or carrying items.
• Keep right and pass left on stairs, escalators, and walkways.
• Be mindful of personal space and avoid bumping others.
• Offer seats to those who need them on public transport.

4. Navigate Meals with Confidence: Table Manners & Dining Out

All the rules of table manners are made to avoid ugliness.

Purpose of table manners. Etiquette at the table aims to make eating a pleasant social activity for everyone. Good manners are unobtrusive, allowing the focus to remain on the food and conversation, not distracting behaviors.

Key table manners:

• Place your napkin in your lap immediately upon seating.
• Wait for the host to begin eating before you do (or when they invite you to start).
• Use utensils from the outside in, but don't fret over mistakes; watch others.
• Hold utensils correctly (like a pencil, not a shovel) and cut one bite at a time.
• Chew with your mouth closed and avoid talking with food in your mouth.
• Ask for dishes to be passed rather than reaching across the table.
• Taste food before seasoning it.

Dining out etiquette. Restaurant dining adds layers of interaction with staff and other patrons.

• Make reservations when possible and be on time.
• Turn off cell phones or put them on silent.
• Treat waitstaff with respect; use "please" and "thank you."
• Be ready to order when the waiter approaches.
• Handle mishaps (spills, foreign objects) discreetly.
• The host typically pays the bill; guests should not argue over it.
• Tip appropriately based on service quality (15-20% is standard for full service).

5. Communicate Thoughtfully in All Forms

mastering the art of everyday conversation means remembering that it’s a two-way street, with thoughts and ideas shared in both directions.

Conversation is a skill. Effective communication involves both thinking before you speak and, crucially, listening attentively. It's about sharing ideas and feelings respectfully, not dominating the discussion or just waiting for your turn to talk.

Keys to good conversation:

• Listen actively: Concentrate on what's being said, make eye contact, and show you understand.
• Avoid interrupting unless absolutely necessary.
• Respect personal space; maintain a comfortable distance.
• Be mindful of body language (posture, facial expressions, gestures).
• Control voice volume, tone, and rate of speech.
• Use clear, direct language; avoid excessive slang or jargon.
• Know when to stop talking and give others a chance to contribute.

Navigating sensitive topics. While some topics like weather or hobbies are always safe, others require care.

• Avoid making conversations all about yourself.
• Be cautious about sharing too much personal information (finances, health, relationships) unless with close friends.
• Disagree respectfully; know when to "agree to disagree" and change the subject if discussions become heated.
• Avoid criticism and gossip; if you hear it, change the subject or decline to participate.
• Use humor carefully; avoid jokes at others' expense or those that could be offensive.

6. Master Digital Interactions with Care

Polite electronic communication requires treating others as you would have them treat you, even when interacting in the virtual world.

Principles apply online. The core tenets of etiquette—consideration, respect, honesty—are just as vital in the digital world as in face-to-face interactions. The medium changes, but the human element remains.

Key considerations for electronic communication:

• Assume everything is public and permanent: Don't write or post anything you wouldn't want seen by anyone, including future employers.
• You are not anonymous: Your online actions reflect on your real-world image.
• Be mindful of tone: Without body language, words alone carry the weight of your message.
• Proofread: Errors distract from your message and can appear unprofessional.
• Respect privacy: Don't share others' information without permission.

Specific digital etiquette:

• Email: Use clear subject lines, keep messages brief, avoid all caps, use Bcc for mass emails to protect addresses, respond in a timely fashion (24-48 hours).
• Texting: Keep messages short, avoid sensitive topics, be aware of costs for recipients, don't text during conversations or performances.
• Social Networking: Use privacy settings, be selective about friend requests, ask permission before posting photos of others, be mindful of comments on your page and others'.
• Devices in Public: Turn off ringers in quiet places, excuse yourself to take calls, keep conversations quiet, avoid using cameras in private areas (restrooms, locker rooms).

7. Travel with Courtesy and Cultural Sensitivity

Behave with friendliness and humility than when going abroad.

Respect the destination. Whether traveling near or far, remember you are a guest. Treat locals and fellow travelers with respect, keep requests reasonable, and avoid leaving negative impressions (litter, criticism of local customs).

Preparation is key:

• Have necessary documents (ID, passport) ready.
• Research local customs, language basics, and cultural norms before you go.
• Be prepared for security procedures (airports).
• If traveling with others, discuss expectations regarding itinerary, budget, and schedules beforehand.

Navigating transportation:

• Road trips: Be considerate of passengers (temperature, music), drive safely, and be courteous to other drivers.
• Air travel: Be prepared for check-in and security, be mindful of carry-on space, respect seatmates' space (armrests, reclining), keep noise down, and manage children's behavior.
• Train/Bus: Respect quiet cars, keep conversations and phone calls quiet, be mindful of personal space and luggage.

Hotel etiquette: Be gracious upon arrival, ask politely for room changes if needed, treat staff with respect, and tip appropriately. If traveling with pets, know the hotel's policy and keep pets under control.

8. Build Positive Workplace Relationships

Your professional demeanor inspires confidence in you and your business.

Professionalism matters. Success at work involves more than just job skills; it requires building positive relationships with colleagues, managers, and external associates. Your conduct reflects on you and your company.

Key office behaviors:

• Be on time: Shows respect for others' time.
• Dress appropriately: Tailor attire to company culture and occasion.
• Be courteous: Use "please" and "thank you" with everyone, regardless of rank.
• Respect shared spaces: Keep common areas (kitchen, restrooms) clean, be mindful of noise levels in open offices.
• Be discreet: Avoid gossip, rumors, and discussing confidential information where it can be overheard.
• Offer and accept help graciously.
• Give and accept compliments sincerely.

Handling workplace issues:

• Conflicts: Address disagreements privately, stick to the subject, be open to compromise, and know when to postpone discussions.
• Complaints: Determine if the complaint is serious and valid, approach the appropriate person calmly and privately, and be ready with potential solutions.
• Offensive comments: Confront or report sexist, racist, or demeaning remarks; don't condone them by silence.
• Gifts: Be aware of company policy, avoid overly personal or expensive gifts, and present/open gifts discreetly.

9. Nurture Home and Family Connections

it’s the intangibles—the connections, comfort, love, security, trust, and knowledge of belonging—that define both the family and the home.

Home culture. Every home has its own unique culture defined by standards and traditions set by its inhabitants. These include expectations around greetings, communication, cleanliness, and shared responsibilities. Visitors should respect these standards.

Family relationships. Adults set the tone by treating each other with respect, warmth, and integrity. This models behavior for children.

• Respect each other's privacy and alone time.
• Consult each other before making social plans.
• Avoid put-downs and discuss disagreements privately.

Raising children and teens. The home is where fundamental manners are learned.

• Teach "magic words" and basic greetings early.
• Model respectful behavior consistently.
• Teach table manners appropriate for their age.
• Guide behavior in public spaces.
• Engage teens in discussions, respecting their opinions while maintaining standards.
• Teach responsible use of technology.

Sharing your home. Whether with houseguests, adult children returning home, or elderly parents moving in, clear communication, compromise, and commitment are essential.

• Discuss expectations regarding schedules, guests, responsibilities, and finances.
• Respect privacy and personal belongings.
• Address issues calmly and constructively, focusing on solutions.

10. Celebrate Life's Milestones Gracefully

marking the important steps along life’s long and winding road is a meaningful and steadfast tradition.

Milestones matter. Celebrating life events like births, birthdays, graduations, anniversaries, and retirements provides meaningful connection and recognition. These events offer opportunities to practice etiquette in specific contexts.

Key celebrations:

• Baby Showers: Hosted by friends or family (not the parents-to-be), gifts are expected, thank-you notes are required.
• Birthdays: Children's parties teach basic manners (hosting, guesting, gifts, thank-yous); adult parties follow general entertaining rules.
• Graduations: Invitations are often limited; announcements inform others. Gifts are customary, thank-you notes are required. Graduation parties celebrate the achievement.
• Anniversaries: Milestone anniversaries (25th, 50th) are often celebrated with parties. Gifts are customary, though "no gifts please" is an option.
• Retirement: Parties may be company-sponsored or hosted by friends/family. Gifts are often group efforts; cards and personal notes are appreciated.

Gift giving for celebrations. While gifts are customary for many celebrations, the choice and cost are always up to the giver.

• Consider the recipient's age, interests, and your relationship.
• Monetary gifts and gift certificates are common, especially for teens and young adults.
• Group gifts are appropriate for many occasions (coworkers, friends).
• Thank-you notes are required for gifts received, especially for showers and weddings.

11. Handle Difficult Situations with Poise

One true test of good etiquette comes when grace and poise are challenged by inconsiderate behavior.

Responding to rudeness. While ignoring minor rudeness is often best to avoid escalation, you don't have to be a doormat. Assess the situation before responding.

• Consider who is being rude (stranger vs. acquaintance, aggressive vs. clueless).
• Determine your goal (correcting a small error vs. changing behavior).
• Watch your tone; keep remarks neutral and pleasant.
• Avoid correcting other people's children; speak to the parent.
• If necessary, take the issue to a person in authority.

Keeping your cool:

• Don't take rudeness personally; the offender may be having a bad day.
• Pick your battles; decide if the issue is truly worth confronting.
• Maintain a friendly demeanor and sense of humor if possible.

Dealing with specific issues:

• Nosy questions: You're not obligated to answer personal questions. Politely decline ("I'd rather not talk about that") or change the subject.
• Offensive comments (bigotry, gossip): Change the subject, decline to participate, or state frankly that you find the remarks objectionable. If necessary, walk away.
• Mistakes (yours or others'): Acknowledge errors gracefully. If someone points out your mistake, thank them. If you notice someone else's (food on face, open fly), inform them discreetly.

12. Give and Receive Gifts Thoughtfully

One of life’s great pleasures is giving and receiving gifts.

Spirit of the gift. Gift giving is an expression of generosity, appreciation, and love. The sentiment behind the gift is more important than its cost or nature.

Choosing a gift:

• Consider the recipient, the occasion, and your budget.
• Gifts can be temporary (flowers, food) or enduring (lasting items).
• Personal gifts (clothing, jewelry) are usually reserved for close relationships.
• Gifts of time or talent can be deeply meaningful.
• Charitable donations are increasingly popular alternatives.

Gift registries and wish lists. Registries are a convenience for guests, but guests are not obligated to use them.

• Do not include registry information in wedding invitations (except showers).
• It's okay to share registry information if asked directly.
• Personal wish lists are helpful for close friends and family.

Presenting and wrapping. A beautifully wrapped gift adds to the presentation. Gift bags are practical and reusable. Include a tag or card so the recipient knows who the gift is from. Gift receipts are a thoughtful addition, allowing for exchanges.

Receiving and acknowledging. Express enthusiastic thanks, especially when opening gifts in the giver's presence.

• All gifts should be acknowledged in writing (handwritten notes are the gold standard).
• Send thank-you notes promptly (within 3 months for wedding gifts, sooner for others).
• Personalize notes by mentioning the specific gift and the giver.
• Share the responsibility of writing notes with your partner.
• If a gift is broken or damaged, contact the store or sender (if they mailed it) to arrange replacement.
• If a gift is truly awful or inappropriate, react graciously in the moment and handle exchanges or returns discreetly.
• "Regifting" is generally best avoided unless done with extreme care and certainty it won't cause offense.

Last updated: May 20, 2025