Falling for My Boyfriend's Dad

1. The Map is completely useless but absolutely mandatory

In short, the Map is useless, but you are advised to keep consulting it, because it is the only one you will get.

Mandatory geographical confusion. Every fantasy quest begins with a map that is completely devoid of practical travel information. It features massive, empty spaces punctuated only by ominous landmarks like "Forest of Doom" or "Death Mountains," yet lacks roads, inns, or scale. You will find yourself constantly squinting at curved capital letters and squiggly lines that represent unnavigable rivers, completely unable to calculate the distance of your journey.

The tourist's itinerary. Despite its lack of utility, the rules of the Management dictate that you must visit every single location marked on this map. You will start at the most remote coastal corner and wind your way through every hazard. The map serves as a literal checklist for your suffering, ensuring no scenic ruin or dark citadel is left unvisited.

• Scribbly snakes representing unnavigable rivers
• Names in curved capital letters with random apostrophes
• Molehills representing impassable mountain ranges
• A single compass arrow indicating which way is up

No shortcuts allowed. You cannot simply bypass the narrative to reach the conclusion. The Management enforces a strict pathing system that requires multiple "brochures" (volumes) before you are allowed to finish. Any attempt to head straight for the end of the journey will be blocked by invisible boundaries or sudden, plot-mandated detours.

2. Your Tour companions are highly predictable, stereotypical archetypes

COMPANIONS are chosen for you by the Management.

The mandatory party. You do not get to choose your allies; they are pre-selected from a highly standardized roster of fantasy clichés. Each member serves a specific narrative function, from the brooding warrior to the comic relief. You will meet them at the very beginning of your Tour, usually in a crowded tavern, and be forced to travel with them regardless of your personal compatibility.

Archetypal team dynamics. Your group will inevitably include characters designed to clash, create tension, or provide convenient plot resolutions. They will irritate you constantly with their predictable behaviors, yet prove invaluable during fights. The Management ensures that every skill set is covered, even if it means traveling with a thief or a highly sensitive magic user.

• The Wise Old Mentor with a long white beard
• The Tall, Neurotic Female Mercenary who is afraid of sex
• The Gay Mage dressed in gorgeous, sensitive colors
• The Teenage Boy who throws up after every battle
• The Small Man who gambles, drinks, and runs away

Inevitable tragic losses. While these companions are highly skilled, some are destined to be sacrificed for emotional weight. You will lose them to sudden ambushes or dramatic dungeon collapses, only to press on with renewed grief. Their deaths are carefully timed by the Management to boost your motivation just as the journey becomes truly unbearable.

3. The local ecology and economy are fundamentally broken

The Ecology of Fantasyland is in a bad way.

An empty environment. Fantasyland lacks the basic biological foundations of a real world, resulting in a highly sterile and bizarre environment. There are virtually no normal wild animals, insects, or bacteria, leaving massive gaps in the food chain. This biological void means that crops are perpetually poor, and the natural world feels more like a theatrical stage set than a living ecosystem.

Magical environmental damage. The landscape is heavily polluted by the fallout of ancient wizard wars, which has mutated the remaining flora and fauna into aggressive, human-eating hazards. This ecological collapse explains why trees are mobile and monsters are so common. The environment is actively trying to kill you, utilizing everything from toxic thorns to carnivorous slimes.

• A total absence of pollinating insects and birds
• Refuse heaps that fail to rot due to lack of bacteria
• Vicious, prehensile trees that actively hunt travelers
• Mutant nasties created by genetic-tinkering wizards

A nonsensical economy. The financial system is equally absurd, relying on massive wealth that somehow survives constant piracy and banditry. Despite a complete lack of visible industry, cities thrive, and thieves' guilds are always highly profitable. The entire economy seems to be artificially sustained by the constant influx of paying tourists from other worlds.

4. The culinary experience is limited to an endless cycle of thick stew and waybread

STEW (the OMTs are thick and savoury, which translate as "viscous" and "dark brown") is the staple FOOD in Fantasyland, so be warned.

Monotonous daily diet. Culinary variety does not exist for the weary traveler in Fantasyland. Whether you are dining at a roadside inn or cooking over a campfire, you will be served the exact same meal every single day. You will quickly find yourself longing passionately for any alternative, but none will ever be provided.

The mystery of stew. This ubiquitous dish is prepared by short-tempered cooks in greasy kitchens, and its exact ingredients are a closely guarded secret. Despite the lack of fresh produce, you will never suffer from nutritional deficiencies. The food is designed purely for survival, offering maximum calories with minimum flavor.

• Thick, viscous, dark brown stew of mysterious origin
• Stale bread used to sop up the gravy
• Waybread (or Journey Cake), which is dry and tasteless but highly nutritious
• Occasional wild rabbits that usually turn out to be tough hares

No fast food. Preparing this staple food takes an incredibly long time, which is highly inconvenient when you are being actively pursued by the forces of darkness. Yet, the rules of the Tour dictate that you must sit and eat it. You will spend hours waiting for your cauldron to boil, only to consume a meal that tastes of nothing at all.

5. Magic operates on highly rigid, formulaic, and inconvenient rules

The Language of Spells is usually highly obscure.

Rigid magical systems. Magic in Fantasyland is not a free-form art but a highly structured, exhausting, and often dangerous science. It requires precise physical gestures, obscure languages, and significant personal energy to cast. You cannot simply wish things into existence; you must study ancient scrolls and draw complex diagrams.

The cost of spellcasting. Every spell cast carries a heavy price, often leaving the magic user completely drained and unable to assist with basic camp chores. If a spell is botched, the resulting backlash can be fatal to everyone nearby. This makes magic a highly risky tool, to be used only in moments of extreme desperation.

• Magelight, a basic glowing ball used as a magical flashlight
• Sympathetic magic using hair clippings or true names
• Storm control, which is used to raise highly conventional blizzards
• Wards, which require exhausting concentration to protect the camp

Inconvenient limitations. Despite its power, magic is forbidden from solving your problems too easily. Good wizards are barred from using thought magic to defeat the Dark Lord directly, forcing a humble tourist to do the heavy lifting. You will find that magic is often more of a spectacular visual effect than a practical solution to your problems.

6. Every weapon and piece of jewelry is dangerously magical and highly opinionated

RINGS are as dangerously magical as SWORDS.

Sentient and troublesome gear. In Fantasyland, you cannot simply buy a normal sword or wear a pretty ring. Every piece of equipment you acquire is likely to possess its own ancient soul, magical agenda, or terrible curse. These items are highly opinionated and will actively interfere with your free will.

The hazards of weaponry. Magical swords are notoriously difficult to manage, often arguing with their wielders via telepathy or betraying their positions by glowing brightly in the dark. Some even demand a constant diet of blood or lifeforce. You will find yourself constantly fighting against your own gear just to survive.

• Swords that turn icy cold to warn of nearby enemies
• Rings that shoot destructive fire but age the wearer rapidly
• Crystals used as magical, vision-enabled telephones
• Orbs that act as willful, glowing, royal lie detectors
• Broken swords that you will be forced to reforge yourself

Unwanted destiny. Picking up a discarded weapon or accepting a ring from a dying stranger is a surefire way to bind yourself to a terrifying quest. These items are designed to force you into becoming a king or saving the world. They will weld themselves to your hand or neck, ensuring you cannot abandon your mandated destiny.

7. Fantasyland runs on a strict, superficial system of color-coding

Always pay close attention to the colour of the CLOTHING, hair, and eyes of anyone you meet.

Superficial moral indicators. You can instantly determine the moral alignment, magical talent, and social status of any individual simply by looking at them. The Management uses a highly rigid system of physical color-coding to prevent any moral ambiguity. This allows you to make split-second decisions about who to trust and who to kill.

Visual cues for survival. Good characters are always physically attractive, fair-haired, and clean-cut, while evil characters are universally dark, pale, and physically repulsive. This makes identifying spies and enemies incredibly easy. You will never have to worry about complex moral gray areas; the world is strictly black and white.

• Black clothing and red eyes always indicate pure evil
• Silver-blond hair and blue eyes guarantee absolute goodness
• Green eyes signify a natural talent for magic or music
• Corpse-white complexions are a surefire sign of dark arts practitioners
• Grey or red clothing indicates a highly untrustworthy neutral stance

No moral complexity. There are no complex, misunderstood villains or deeply flawed heroes in this world. If someone looks like a rat-faced, greasy-haired spy, they are guaranteed to betray you to the Dark Lord. You can safely treat people based entirely on their appearance, as the Management never violates these visual rules.

8. The landscape is designed solely to inflict maximum physical hardship

HARDSHIP is intrinsic to all Tours.

Hostile geography. The terrain of Fantasyland is actively hostile to travelers, featuring jagged mountains, bottomless bogs, and dense forests designed to slow your progress. The weather is guaranteed to be the exact opposite of what you need. You will find yourself constantly climbing steep, icy ledges or wading through deep, freezing mud.

The misery of travel. You will spend the majority of your Tour cold, wet, exhausted, and sleep-deprived. Basic comforts like dry blankets, warm baths, and clean socks are virtually non-existent, forcing you to endure constant physical misery. Your clothing will never dry, and your boots will constantly rub your feet raw.

• Blocked mountain passes that force you into freezing blizzards
• Dank, dripping underground passages filled with slimy creatures
• Deserts that cause immediate heatstroke and water shortages
• Swollen, bridge-less rivers that require treacherous crossings
• Squalid, muddy roads that ruin your boots and horses

Hygiene is a luxury. Washing is a rare occurrence, usually done in freezing rivers that leave you feeling gritty. When you finally find a warm bathhouse, the rules dictate that you will immediately be ambushed or forced into a romantic encounter. You must resign yourself to smelling of wet wool and horse sweat for the duration of your journey.

9. The political structure is dominated by missing heirs and cartoonish tyrants

At any given time, half the COUNTRIES in Fantasyland will have mislaid their Crown PRINCESS/PRINCE, but the Rule is that only one Missing Heir can join your Tour at a time.

Unstable feudal governance. Fantasyland is ruled by a chaotic mix of incompetent kings, corrupt regents, and brutal tyrants. There is no democracy; power is maintained through military force, religious fanaticism, and poison. You will find that the common people are perpetually oppressed, taxed out of existence, and eager for a revolution.

The missing heir trope. A shocking number of kingdoms have lost their rightful rulers, who are usually living in poverty as blacksmiths' apprentices. These heirs are incredibly naive and must be guided by your Tour party to reclaim their thrones. They will constantly embarrass you with their extreme honesty and lack of basic political survival skills.

• Good Kings who are bluff, honest, and wear their crowns crooked
• Bad Kings who are overly polite and plot to imprison you
• Corrupt Regents who rule on behalf of underage monarchs
• Brutal Tyrants who line the roads with impaled corpses
• Spirited Princesses who disguise themselves as boys to escape arranged marriages

The land-king connection. The health of the kingdom is magically tied to the moral state of its ruler. If a king is wicked or absent, the crops will fail, the cattle will die, and the weather will turn permanently sour. Reclaiming the throne is not just a political goal; it is an ecological necessity to restore the natural balance of the land.

10. The ultimate goal of your Tour is saving the world from a shadowy Dark Lord

There is always one of these in the background of every Tour, attempting to ruin everything and take over the world.

The ultimate confrontation. Your long, miserable journey is not just a sightseeing trip; it is a mandatory quest to save the world from total destruction. You must eventually confront the Dark Lord, a shadowy figure of pure evil. He will remain in the background for most of your Tour, pulling the strings of every minor conflict.

The forces of terror. The Dark Lord rarely attacks you directly, preferring to send endless waves of brain-dead soldiers, leathery-winged avians, and red-eyed minions to hunt you down. These forces will devastate the countryside as they march, leaving a trail of smoking ruins and empty villages. You will be forced to fight them off at every turn.

• Endless armies of plate-armored, faceless soldiers
• Vicious, mutated monsters and undead corpses
• Red-eyed minions riding black steeds in the night
• A massive, black stone citadel perched on a jagged crag

A destructive victory. To defeat the Dark Lord, you must trigger a massive, semi-natural cataclysm that will likely destroy large portions of the world you are trying to save. Once the battle is won, the Management will quietly put the landscape back together for the next Tour. You will be left exhausted, wounded, and ready to return home.

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