Fierce Attachments

1. The mother-daughter relationship: A fierce and complex attachment

My relationship with my mother is not good, and as our lives accumulate it often seems to worsen. We are locked into a narrow channel of acquaintance, intense and binding.

A dance of love and conflict. The author's relationship with her mother forms the core of the memoir, characterized by intense love, fierce arguments, and a deep, often painful, bond. Their interactions are marked by mutual dependence and frustration, as they struggle to understand and accept each other's choices and worldviews.

Walking and talking. Despite their conflicts, the author and her mother maintain a ritual of long walks through New York City, during which they discuss their lives, memories, and the world around them. These walks serve as a metaphor for their relationship: always moving, sometimes in sync, often in tension, but ultimately inseparable.

2. Growing up in the Bronx: A world of women and sexual tensions

There were twenty apartments, four to a floor, and all I remember is a building full of women. I hardly remember the men at all.

A female-dominated microcosm. The author's childhood in a Bronx tenement is shaped by the presence of strong, often frustrated women. These women, including her mother and neighbors, navigate a world of limited opportunities and repressed desires, creating a complex social fabric that profoundly influences the author's understanding of gender and sexuality.

Sexual undercurrents. The author observes and absorbs the unspoken sexual tensions that permeate her environment:

• Women's dissatisfaction with their husbands and marriages
• The power dynamics between men and women
• The contrast between public propriety and private desires

3. The struggle for identity: Education as both liberation and alienation

At City College I sat talking in a basement cafeteria until ten or eleven at night with a half dozen others who also never wanted to go home to Brooklyn or the Bronx, and here in the cafeteria my education took root.

Intellectual awakening. The author's experience at City College marks a turning point in her life, exposing her to new ideas, literature, and ways of thinking. This education becomes a source of both excitement and conflict, as it widens the gap between her and her working-class background.

The double-edged sword of knowledge. While education empowers the author, it also creates tension:

• Difficulty communicating with her mother in her newfound intellectual language
• Feeling caught between two worlds: her old neighborhood and the academic sphere
• Struggling to reconcile her ambitions with her family's expectations

4. Love and sexuality: Navigating relationships and self-discovery

I realized it was not me he was adoring, I knew it was the hungriness that had awakened in him, yet I lay back on the bed smiling secretly to myself, exactly as though what I knew to be true wasn't true at all.

Complex romantic entanglements. The author's romantic relationships are characterized by intensity, intellectual sparring, and a search for both intimacy and independence. Her affairs, including a long-term relationship with a married man, reflect her struggle to find fulfillment and understanding in love.

Sexual awakening and power dynamics. Throughout her relationships, the author grapples with:

• The interplay between sexual desire and emotional connection
• The power dynamics inherent in romantic and sexual relationships
• The challenge of maintaining her sense of self while intimately involved with others

5. The power of writing: Finding one's voice and clarity of thought

In the second year of my marriage the rectangular space made its first appearance inside me. I was writing an essay, a piece of graduate-student criticism that had flowered without warning into thought, radiant shapely thought.

Writing as self-discovery. The author's journey as a writer becomes a central thread in her personal growth. Through writing, she finds a way to articulate her thoughts, emotions, and experiences, gaining clarity and a sense of purpose.

The struggle and joy of creation. The writing process is described as both challenging and deeply rewarding:

• Moments of intense clarity and insight
• Periods of self-doubt and creative blocks
• The satisfaction of finding the right words to express complex ideas

6. Marriage and its discontents: The challenges of intimacy and independence

We each wanted to take a breath in rooms free of that oppressive tension. We wanted that more than we wanted to be together.

The complexities of marriage. The author's marriage to Stefan reveals the difficulties of maintaining individuality within a partnership. Their relationship is marked by:

• Shared intellectual interests but divergent emotional needs
• The struggle to create a shared living space that reflects both personalities
• The tension between the desire for intimacy and the need for personal space

The end of illusions. As the marriage dissolves, the author confronts the gap between her ideals of love and the realities of day-to-day life with another person. This experience shapes her future relationships and her understanding of herself.

7. Friendship and female bonds: Support and rivalry among women

Nettie was Nettie's lifeline during that first year of Richie's life. It wasn't so much what Mama did for Nettie, although all the small bits of help (bringing home extra bread and milk, taking Richie for an hour, giving him a bath or a feed now and then) certainly eased Nettie's day. Mainly it was just that Mama was there to receive her anxiety.

Complex female relationships. The author's life is shaped by her relationships with other women, including her mother, neighbors, and friends. These bonds are characterized by:

• Mutual support and understanding
• Rivalry and judgment
• Shared experiences of womanhood in a changing world

The importance of female solidarity. Despite conflicts and differences, the women in the author's life form a crucial support network, offering practical help, emotional comfort, and a sense of community.

8. The impact of cultural and generational differences on personal growth

I lived in that tenement between the ages of six and twenty-one. There were twenty apartments, four to a floor, and all I remember is a building full of women. I hardly remember the men at all.

Navigating cultural shifts. The author's journey from her working-class, immigrant-influenced upbringing to her life as an educated, independent woman reflects broader societal changes. This transition is marked by:

• Generational conflicts over values and expectations
• The challenge of reconciling traditional beliefs with modern realities
• The search for identity in a rapidly changing world

The inheritance of history. The author grapples with the legacy of her family's and community's past:

• The impact of Jewish immigrant experiences on family dynamics
• The lingering effects of historical trauma, including the Holocaust
• The tension between assimilation and maintaining cultural identity

9. The search for meaning: Balancing work, love, and self-fulfillment

I sat at the desk and I struggled to think. That's how I liked to put it. For years I said, "I'm struggling to think." Just as my mother said she was struggling to live.

The quest for purpose. Throughout her life, the author strives to find meaning and fulfillment through her work, relationships, and personal growth. This search is characterized by:

• The desire to make a significant impact through writing and intellectual pursuits
• The challenge of balancing professional ambitions with personal relationships
• The ongoing process of self-discovery and self-acceptance

Embracing complexity. As the author matures, she comes to recognize and accept the complexities of life:

• The coexistence of love and conflict in relationships
• The interplay between personal history and individual choices
• The value of embracing uncertainty and continuous growth

Last updated: January 22, 2025