Forgiving Our Fathers and Mothers

1. Confronting our past is essential for healing and growth

We've run, fugitives from our own stories, our pasts. But sometimes we are running from a future as well, a future we cannot imagine, one we don't want a part in creating.

Facing our history. Many of us try to escape painful childhood memories by running away, physically or emotionally. We may use busyness, addictions, or denial to avoid confronting the hurt inflicted by our parents. However, this avoidance stunts our growth and healing.

Courage to confront. Healing begins when we courageously face our past, acknowledging the pain and injustice we experienced. This process often involves:

• Naming specific hurts and traumas
• Allowing ourselves to feel suppressed emotions
• Sharing our stories with trusted others
• Seeking professional help when needed

Opening doors to growth. By confronting our past, we open doors to:

• Self-understanding and acceptance
• Emotional maturity
• Healthier relationships
• Breaking generational cycles of harm

2. Understanding our parents' struggles fosters empathy

We are more like us than we imagine, likely more than we care to admit.

Humanizing our parents. It's easy to see our parents as one-dimensional villains or failures. However, understanding their own struggles and traumas can foster empathy and compassion.

Exploring their stories. To gain perspective:

• Learn about your parents' childhoods
• Consider the cultural and societal pressures they faced
• Recognize their own unmet needs and wounds
• Acknowledge their humanity, with both strengths and flaws

Balanced view. This understanding doesn't excuse harmful behavior, but it allows us to see our parents as complex individuals shaped by their own experiences. This perspective can soften our hearts and create space for forgiveness.

3. Unforgiveness keeps us trapped in bitterness

Unforgiveness takes us back to Jonah's terrain.

The cost of holding on. Refusing to forgive our parents may feel justified, but it ultimately harms us more than them. Unforgiveness:

• Keeps us emotionally stuck in the past
• Fuels ongoing anger and resentment
• Damages our ability to form healthy relationships
• Can lead to physical health problems

Breaking free. Choosing forgiveness doesn't mean:

• Excusing harmful behavior
• Forgetting what happened
• Restoring unsafe relationships

Instead, forgiveness is about releasing ourselves from the burden of bitterness and reclaiming our power to shape our lives.

4. God's forgiveness empowers us to forgive others

We have been forgiven so that we may forgive others and live out the reckless, perfect compassion of a God whose love for the world and for us knows no bounds.

Divine example. The Christian faith presents a radical model of forgiveness through Jesus Christ. This forgiveness is:

• Unearned and freely given
• Extends even to enemies
• Rooted in sacrificial love

Transformative power. Experiencing God's forgiveness can profoundly change how we view ourselves and others. It:

• Frees us from shame and self-condemnation
• Gives us a new identity as beloved children of God
• Empowers us to extend grace to those who've hurt us

Practical application. Living out this forgiveness involves:

• Recognizing our own need for forgiveness
• Choosing to forgive as an act of obedience and trust
• Allowing God's love to flow through us to others

5. Honoring parents doesn't excuse their wrongs

Even when our parents don't feel worthy of our honor and respect, God is worthy of our honor and respect.

Biblical command. The fifth commandment to "honor your father and mother" can feel challenging for those with difficult parental relationships. However, this command:

• Is not based on parents' worthiness
• Doesn't require excusing harmful behavior
• Is ultimately about honoring God

Redefining honor. Honoring imperfect parents can look like:

• Treating them with basic respect as fellow human beings
• Setting healthy boundaries to protect yourself
• Seeking their well-being without enabling destructive patterns
• Praying for them and entrusting them to God's care

Personal growth. Choosing to honor difficult parents can lead to:

• Breaking cycles of disrespect and bitterness
• Developing emotional maturity and compassion
• Experiencing personal freedom and peace

6. Forgiveness is a journey, not a one-time event

Forgiveness often does not follow a nice, predictable path lifting us out of our pain. It can be messy at times, as we circle round and round our same issues.

Ongoing process. True forgiveness is rarely instantaneous. It often involves:

• Acknowledging and processing hurt emotions
• Choosing to forgive repeatedly as memories resurface
• Allowing time for healing and perspective

Common challenges:

• Setbacks and moments of renewed anger
• Struggling with conflicting emotions
• Needing to forgive multiple offenses

Embracing the journey. Recognizing forgiveness as a process allows us to:

• Be patient with ourselves
• Celebrate small steps of progress
• Seek ongoing support and guidance

7. Remembering well transforms painful memories

Forgiveness requires remembrance.

Beyond forgetting. The popular phrase "forgive and forget" is unrealistic and unhelpful. Instead, we need to learn to "remember well."

Remembering well involves:

• Acknowledging the truth of what happened
• Recognizing how experiences shaped us
• Finding meaning and growth from painful events
• Reframing memories through the lens of forgiveness

Transformed narrative. As we remember well, our stories can shift from:

• Victim to survivor
• Bitterness to wisdom
• Despair to hope

This transformed remembering allows us to integrate our past into a healthier present and future.

8. Forgiveness frees us to reclaim our lives

As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn't leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I'd still be in prison.

Breaking chains. Forgiveness is ultimately about our own freedom. It allows us to:

• Release the emotional hold others have on us
• Stop defining ourselves by past hurts
• Reclaim our power to shape our present and future

New possibilities. As we forgive, we open doors to:

• Healthier relationships
• Emotional healing and growth
• Living out our purpose and potential

Ongoing choice. Maintaining this freedom requires:

• Continually choosing forgiveness
• Cultivating gratitude and compassion
• Focusing on personal growth rather than others' shortcomings

Forgiveness doesn't change the past, but it dramatically alters how we live in the present and approach our future.

Last updated: November 18, 2024