Friend-ish

1. Friendship cannot replace Jesus as the source of ultimate fulfillment

"We have social media friendships, idolizing friendships, self-seeking friendships and other friend-ish relationships. Kelly Needham skillfully points us toward true biblical friendships."

Misplaced expectations. Many people look to friendships to fulfill needs that only Jesus can meet, such as stability, companionship, and significance. This leads to disappointment and dysfunctional relationships. True friendship recognizes Jesus as the ultimate source of fulfillment and allows human relationships to complement, not replace, that primary relationship.

Identify idolatry. Signs that a friendship has replaced Jesus include:

• Feeling unable to function without a specific friend
• Needing constant communication or physical presence
• Experiencing extreme jealousy when the friend connects with others
• Believing the friend is the only one who truly understands you

Healthy friendships point each other to Christ rather than trying to be a substitute for Him.

2. Self-centered friendships are counterfeit and unstable

"Sin is fundamentally antisocial, because sin causes me to love me more than anything else and to care for me more than anything else."

Demanding, divisive, dependent. Self-centered friendships manifest in three main patterns:

1. The Demanding Friend: Feels entitled to certain treatment, keeps tabs on favors
2. The Divisive Friend: Forms cliques, avoids difficult conversations, is fake
3. The Dependent Friend: Cannot say no to the friendship, loses interest in other relationships

Built on sand. These friendships often feel good initially but crumble under pressure. They lack the foundation to weather life's storms and transitions. True friendship is built on mutual love for God and a desire to see each other grow in Christ-likeness, not on what we can get from the other person.

3. Mimicking marriage in friendships undermines God's design

"Treating a friendship with the weight, exclusivity, and ownership of a marriage is unbiblical and inappropriate. It undermines the institution of marriage and all that marriage points to: the union of Christ and the Church."

Blurred lines. Modern culture increasingly portrays friendships with language and expectations traditionally reserved for romantic relationships. This includes:

• Exclusivity and possessiveness
• Romantic language and physical intimacy
• Lack of boundaries
• Making formal commitments or "vows" to friends

Preserve distinctiveness. While close friendships are valuable, they should not mimic or replace marriage. This preserves the uniqueness of marriage as a picture of Christ and the Church. It also protects future marriages from competing loyalties and allows friendships to fulfill their proper role in Christian community.

4. Repentance is the path to healthy friendships

"If the root of our sin is a rejection of God, then the solution is very simple: return to him."

Recognize the real problem. Issues in friendship often stem from a deeper problem in our relationship with God. Repentance means acknowledging where we have looked to friends instead of God to meet our deepest needs.

Practical steps:

1. Confess to God where friendships have replaced Him
2. Receive Jesus' forgiveness and sufficiency
3. Make restitution where necessary (e.g., apologizing to friends, setting new boundaries)
4. Commit to cultivating primary dependence on God

Repentance may involve a "wilderness" season of learning to depend on God alone, but this ultimately leads to healthier human relationships.

5. Cultivating friendship with God transforms human relationships

"God is not only after our external obedience; he is after our hearts. He is looking for hearts that desire and delight in him above all else."

Know God personally. Building friendship with God requires:

1. Reading Scripture to learn about His character
2. Praying to engage in two-way communication
3. Participating in a local church for corporate worship and accountability

Costly but worthwhile. Deepening friendship with God involves:

• Exposure: Confronting our own sinfulness
• Patience: Waiting on God's timing and methods
• Faith: Trusting an unseen reality

As we grow in knowing God, we become better equipped to love others selflessly and navigate human relationships with wisdom and grace.

6. True friends battle together for spiritual growth

"We need the ministry of the local church in our lives. We need other believers to walk with us and help us see when we are walking blindly in sin."

Spiritual warfare companions. Christians need friends who will:

• Encourage and remind them of truth
• Speak honestly about blind spots and sin
• Hear confession and remind of God's grace
• Pray and worship together

Carry burdens. Friends provide practical and emotional support during seasons of weakness, such as:

• Financial help during job loss
• Meals after childbirth
• Presence during grief
• Prayer during spiritual darkness

The local church should be the primary context for finding and being this kind of friend to others.

7. Embrace limits and eternal perspective in friendships

"Embracing our limits and living within them is a fruit of humility. It's a recognition that we are not like God, but rather are limited in our time, understanding, presence, and energy."

Reject the myth of limitless friendship. Technology tempts us to believe we can maintain meaningful relationships with hundreds of people. This leads to shallow connections and burnout. Instead:

• Prioritize depth over breadth in friendships
• Be willing to let some friendships naturally fade
• Focus on those God has placed in your immediate context

Kingdom focus. Remember that the ultimate purpose of friendship is not social fulfillment but advancing God's kingdom. An eternal perspective frees us to:

• Invest deeply in a few key relationships
• Be open to new friendships that serve God's purposes
• Trust that meaningful Christian friendships will continue in eternity

8. Speak truth in love to build authentic relationships

"Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy."

Confront lovingly. True friendship involves addressing sin and blind spots. To do this well:

1. Decide if the issue truly warrants confrontation
2. Examine your own heart and motives first
3. Speak directly to the person, not about them to others
4. Balance truth with grace and affirmation

Welcome feedback. Be open to receiving loving confrontation from others. This builds trust and deepens relationships. Remember that the goal is mutual growth in Christ-likeness, not judgment or superiority.

9. Be a friend to all, not just those who benefit you

"Being a friend to all also means befriending those who don't seem to offer us anything in return. Children, adults with special needs, the elderly, the unpopular, and the poor are a few examples."

Expand your circle. Jesus calls us to love our neighbors, not just those we naturally connect with. This means:

• Befriending those different from us (age, background, interests)
• Reaching out to the lonely or marginalized
• Being willing to form friendships that may be challenging

Give, don't just take. Approach friendship with a mindset of what you can offer, not what you can gain. This reflects Christ's sacrificial love and opens doors for genuine connection and kingdom impact.

10. Unite as comrades for God's kingdom, not personal comfort

"When we unite together, not for the worldly purpose of satisfying our own desires for friendship but with the eternal purpose of fighting side by side to see God's kingdom come on earth, we, too, will see the beauty and ultimate satisfaction of coming together as true comrades."

Higher purpose. The deepest, most satisfying friendships are forged when united for a cause greater than personal comfort or happiness. For Christians, this means partnering to advance God's kingdom on earth.

Practical application:

• Pray together for opportunities to serve God
• Encourage one another in spiritual disciplines and obedience
• Partner in ministry or outreach efforts
• Hold each other accountable to kingdom priorities

When friendships are centered on this mission, they reflect the camaraderie seen in Jonathan and David's biblical friendship or soldiers united in battle. This leads to relationships that are both deeply fulfilling and eternally significant.

Last updated: August 23, 2024