Getting the Love You Want

1. Unconscious attraction: We choose partners who resemble our caregivers

We enter the relationship with the unconscious assumption that our partner will become a surrogate parent and make up for all the deprivation of our childhood.

Unconscious motivations. Our choice of romantic partners is heavily influenced by our unconscious mind, specifically our experiences with early caregivers. This unconscious attraction serves a purpose: to heal childhood wounds and regain a sense of wholeness.

Familiar patterns. We are drawn to partners who possess both positive and negative traits of our caregivers. This familiarity feels comfortable, even if it includes challenging or hurtful behaviors. For example:

• A person with a critical parent may be attracted to a partner who is judgmental
• Someone with an emotionally distant caregiver might choose a partner who struggles with intimacy

Opportunity for growth. While this pattern may seem counterproductive, it actually presents an opportunity for healing and personal growth. By facing these familiar challenges in a conscious way, we can work through unresolved issues from our past and create healthier relationship dynamics.

2. Romantic love is temporary: The power struggle is inevitable

The problem with this solution is that there is a lot of pain involved in switching boxes.

Stages of love. Romantic relationships typically progress through three stages:

1. Romantic love: A period of intense attraction and idealization
2. Power struggle: Conflict emerges as differences and unmet needs surface
3. Conscious partnership: A mature, intentional relationship built on understanding and growth

The power struggle. As the initial euphoria of romantic love fades, couples enter a challenging phase where their differences become apparent and conflicts arise. This stage is characterized by:

• Disillusionment as partners' flaws become visible
• Attempts to change or control each other
• Recurring arguments and patterns of conflict
• Feelings of frustration, anger, and disappointment

Opportunity for growth. While painful, the power struggle is a necessary step towards creating a deeper, more authentic relationship. It reveals areas where both partners need to heal and grow, setting the stage for a conscious partnership if approached with intention and understanding.

3. Childhood wounds shape adult relationships

We are born in relationship, we are wounded in relationship, and we can be healed in relationship.

Early experiences shape us. Our childhood experiences, particularly with our primary caregivers, create deep-seated beliefs and patterns that influence our adult relationships. These early wounds can manifest as:

• Fear of abandonment or engulfment
• Difficulty with trust and intimacy
• Patterns of criticism or withdrawal
• Unmet needs for validation, nurturing, or independence

Unconscious reenactment. In our adult relationships, we often unconsciously recreate scenarios that mirror our childhood wounds. This serves two purposes:

1. To seek healing by giving our partner the opportunity to respond differently than our caregivers did
2. To maintain familiar patterns, even if they are painful, because they feel "safe" to our unconscious mind

Healing potential. Understanding the connection between our childhood experiences and current relationship dynamics is crucial for growth. By becoming aware of these patterns, we can work to heal old wounds and create healthier ways of relating to our partners.

4. The Imago: Our unconscious image of the ideal partner

Essentially, your imago is a composite picture of the people who influenced you most strongly at an early age.

The Imago defined. The Imago is an unconscious, idealized image of a romantic partner formed in childhood. It is a composite of:

• Positive and negative traits of our primary caregivers
• Traits we admired or needed but didn't receive from our caregivers
• Parts of ourselves that we've repressed or lost

Powerful influence. Our Imago exerts a strong pull in partner selection, often without our conscious awareness. We are instinctively drawn to people who match this internal image, believing on a deep level that they can help us heal and become whole.

Double-edged sword. While the Imago can lead us to partners with the potential to help us grow, it can also perpetuate unhealthy patterns if we're not conscious of its influence. Understanding our Imago allows us to:

• Recognize why we're attracted to certain people
• Identify recurring patterns in our relationships
• Make more conscious choices in partner selection and relationship dynamics

5. Becoming conscious: Moving beyond the power struggle

Marriage is not a static state between two unchanging people. Marriage is a psychological and spiritual journey that begins in the ecstasy of attraction, meanders through a rocky stretch of self-discovery, and culminates in the creation of an intimate, joyful, lifelong union.

Shift in perspective. Moving beyond the power struggle requires a fundamental shift in how we view our relationship and our partner's role in our life. This involves:

• Recognizing that our partner is not responsible for our happiness or healing
• Taking responsibility for our own growth and well-being
• Seeing our relationship as a vehicle for mutual growth and self-discovery

Key elements of a conscious partnership:

• Commitment to personal and relational growth
• Willingness to examine and change oneself rather than trying to change one's partner
• Development of empathy and understanding for each other's wounds and needs
• Creation of a safe, supportive environment for vulnerability and healing
• Regular practice of intentional communication and connection

Ongoing journey. Becoming conscious in our relationship is not a destination but an ongoing process of growth, learning, and deepening connection. It requires consistent effort, patience, and a willingness to face our own fears and limitations.

6. Creating a safe and passionate relationship through dialogue

When couples master the three-step process of mirroring, validation, and empathy, these gender differences begin to diminish.

The Imago Dialogue. This structured communication technique is designed to create safety, understanding, and connection between partners. It consists of three key steps:

1. Mirroring: Repeating back what your partner has said to ensure accurate understanding
2. Validation: Acknowledging the logic in your partner's perspective, even if you disagree
3. Empathy: Imagining and expressing how your partner might be feeling

Benefits of dialogue:

• Increases emotional safety and trust
• Reduces reactivity and defensiveness
• Deepens understanding and empathy
• Fosters a sense of being truly heard and understood
• Creates a foundation for problem-solving and growth

Regular practice. Incorporating the Imago Dialogue into daily interactions can transform a relationship. It requires patience and commitment but can lead to profound shifts in how partners relate to and understand each other.

7. Behavior change requests: Healing through meeting each other's needs

In order to have a good relationship, you have to be the right partner.

Identifying needs. The Behavior Change Request process involves:

1. Recognizing frustrations with your partner
2. Identifying the underlying need or desire behind the frustration
3. Formulating specific, positive requests for behavior changes

SMART requests. Effective behavior change requests should be:

• Specific: Clearly defined actions
• Measurable: Observable outcomes
• Achievable: Realistic and doable
• Relevant: Connected to the underlying need
• Time-bound: With a clear timeframe

Mutual growth. By stretching to meet each other's needs, both partners experience healing and growth. This process:

• Addresses unmet childhood needs in a healthy way
• Develops new skills and ways of being
• Deepens empathy and understanding
• Creates a more fulfilling and supportive relationship

8. Eliminating negativity: The key to lasting love

Negativity is any thought, word, or deed that tells your partner: "You're not okay when you think what you think or act the way that you act."

Impact of negativity. Negative interactions erode trust, safety, and connection in relationships. Forms of negativity include:

• Criticism and blame
• Contempt and disrespect
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling or withdrawal

Creating a positive climate. Eliminating negativity involves:

• Increasing awareness of negative thoughts and behaviors
• Consciously replacing criticism with appreciation
• Using the Imago Dialogue to express frustrations constructively
• Focusing on and amplifying positive aspects of the relationship

Positive reinforcement. As negativity decreases, couples experience:

• Increased emotional safety and intimacy
• Greater willingness to be vulnerable
• More frequent positive interactions
• A self-reinforcing cycle of love and appreciation

9. Reclaiming wholeness: Integrating lost parts of ourselves

When we regain awareness of our essential inner unity, we make an amazing discovery: we are no longer cut off from the rest of the world.

Childhood adaptations. In childhood, we often repress or deny parts of ourselves to adapt to our environment and gain approval. This can lead to:

• A "false self" that meets others' expectations
• Disowned traits that we reject in ourselves
• Lost aspects of our authentic being

Reclaiming wholeness. The journey of conscious partnership involves:

• Recognizing our lost, false, and disowned selves
• Embracing all aspects of our being, including those we've rejected
• Supporting our partner's growth and authenticity
• Creating a relationship that nurtures wholeness for both partners

Benefits of integration:

• Increased self-acceptance and authenticity
• Greater capacity for intimacy and connection
• Enhanced creativity and vitality
• A deeper sense of fulfillment and purpose

10. Commitment and connection: The foundation of conscious partnership

Creating a lasting love relationship is hard work.

Power of commitment. A strong commitment to the relationship provides:

• Safety to explore vulnerabilities and work through conflicts
• Motivation to persist through challenges and growth periods
• A foundation for deep intimacy and trust

Key commitments:

• To stay in the relationship (for a defined period or long-term)
• To personal and relational growth
• To creating a safe, nurturing environment
• To regular communication and connection practices

Deepening connection. Couples can strengthen their bond through:

• Regular appreciation and affirmation
• Shared experiences and rituals
• Vulnerability and emotional intimacy
• Supporting each other's individual growth and dreams

Ongoing journey. A conscious partnership requires continuous effort and renewal. By committing to growth, both as individuals and as a couple, partners can create a deeply fulfilling, life-long relationship that supports their mutual healing and evolution.

Last updated: July 23, 2024