High Conflict

1. High Conflict is a Magnetic Trap, Not Just a Disagreement

High conflict is what happens when conflict clarifies into a good-versus-evil kind of feud, the kind with an us and a them.

More than just disagreement. High conflict isn't simply a heated argument; it's a self-perpetuating cycle that draws people in, making them act against their own best interests. It's like the La Brea Tar Pits, where creatures get stuck and the more they struggle, the deeper they sink. This magnetic pull makes it difficult to escape, even when we want to.

Us-versus-them mentality. High conflict is characterized by a clear division between "us" and "them," where the other side is seen as inherently evil or wrong. This binary thinking simplifies complex issues and makes it harder to find common ground. It's not about the issue itself, but about the perceived moral superiority of one side over the other.

Stagnation and dehumanization. Unlike healthy conflict, which leads to growth and understanding, high conflict is marked by stagnation and dehumanization. People become caricatures of themselves, and the conflict becomes the destination, not a means to an end. This makes it difficult to see the other side's humanity or to find a way out of the cycle.

2. Binary Thinking Fuels the Flames of Conflict

The dangerous reduction of realities or choices into just two. For example: Black and White, good and evil, Democrat and Republican.

Oversimplification of reality. Binary thinking reduces complex issues into two opposing sides, ignoring the nuances and gray areas that exist in reality. This "either/or" mentality makes it harder to find common ground and fuels polarization. It's like the Klee and Kandinsky experiment, where arbitrary groupings led to immediate bias.

Categories and accusations. Categories, by their very nature, create an "us" and "them" dynamic, leading to accusations and blame. This is why political parties, which force people into binary choices, can be so divisive. Referendums, too, can be dangerous, as they force complex issues into a simple "yes" or "no" vote.

The illusion of communication. We often assume that our intentions and desires are clear to others, but this is rarely the case. We overestimate our ability to communicate effectively and underestimate the power of confirmation bias, which leads us to interpret new information in ways that confirm our existing beliefs. This makes it harder to break free from binary thinking.

3. Group Identities Amplify Conflict's Intensity

Groups bring obligations, including the duty to harm—or, at other times, the obligation to do no harm, to make peace.

Vicarious experiences. Group identities create a sense of shared experience, where the pain or triumph of one member is felt by all. This can amplify conflict, as each act of violence or humiliation is felt by the entire group, leading to a cycle of revenge. It's like the Hatfield and McCoy feud, where a small dispute escalated into a multi-generational conflict.

In-group bias. Once we identify with a group, we tend to favor its members over those in other groups, even when the groups are arbitrary. This in-group bias can lead to discrimination and hostility toward the "other." It's like the Planet of the Apes actors, who ate lunch separately based on their costume categories.

Groups as a double-edged sword. While groups can amplify conflict, they can also be a force for good. They can provide a sense of belonging, purpose, and solidarity. The key is to create groups that promote cooperation and understanding, rather than division and hostility.

4. Conflict Entrepreneurs Exploit and Escalate Disputes

People who exploit high conflict for their own ends.

Fueling the flames. Conflict entrepreneurs are individuals who benefit from high conflict and actively work to escalate it. They often use fear, misinformation, and divisive rhetoric to manipulate people and maintain their own power. They are like the dire wolves drawn to the La Brea Tar Pits, exploiting the distress of others for their own gain.

Creating false narratives. Conflict entrepreneurs often create false narratives that simplify complex issues and demonize the other side. They use labels and stereotypes to create an "us" versus "them" mentality, making it harder to find common ground. They are like the political parties that divided Jefferson and Adams, turning friends into enemies.

Undermining trust. Conflict entrepreneurs undermine trust in institutions and in each other, making it harder to resolve disputes peacefully. They create a climate of suspicion and paranoia, where people are more likely to believe the worst about the other side. They are like the media outlets that blamed Muslims for spreading the coronavirus, fueling division and hatred.

5. Humiliation is the Nuclear Bomb of Emotions

A forced and public degradation; an unjustified loss of dignity, pride, or status. Can lead to high conflict and violence.

Existential threat. Humiliation is a powerful emotion that threatens our sense of self-worth and belonging. It's a forced and public degradation that can lead to intense feelings of anger, shame, and a desire for revenge. It's like the feeling Adams had when Jefferson ran against him, a deep wound to his pride.

Cycle of violence. Humiliation can create a cycle of violence, as people seek to avenge their own humiliation by inflicting it on others. This cycle can be difficult to break, as each act of humiliation fuels the desire for more revenge. It's like the cycle of violence in the Hatfield and McCoy feud, where each act of revenge led to another.

Subjective experience. Humiliation is a subjective experience, shaped by our individual identities and cultural values. What one person finds humiliating, another may not. This makes it difficult to predict or prevent, but it also means that it can be manipulated.

6. Corruption Undermines Trust and Incites Violence

People who exploit high conflict for their own ends.

Erosion of trust. Corruption undermines trust in institutions and in each other, creating a climate of suspicion and paranoia. When people feel that the system is rigged against them, they are more likely to take matters into their own hands. It's like the corruption in Chicago, which fueled gang violence for decades.

Fueling resentment. Corruption can fuel resentment and anger, particularly among those who feel marginalized or disenfranchised. When people see that the powerful are not held accountable, they are more likely to resort to violence. It's like the corruption in Syria, which led to a civil war.

Normalizing violence. Corruption can normalize violence, making it seem like a legitimate way to resolve disputes. When people see that the system is corrupt, they are more likely to believe that they have no other options. It's like the corruption in Colombia, which fueled the FARC's insurgency.

7. Saturation Points Offer a Chance for Change

The point in a conflict where the losses seem heavier than the gains; an opportunity for a shift.

Turning point. A saturation point is the moment when the costs of conflict finally outweigh the benefits. This can be a turning point, creating an opportunity for change. It's like the moment when Mark Lynas realized that his activism was doing more harm than good.

Individual experiences. Saturation points are often triggered by personal experiences, such as a loss, a disappointment, or a moment of clarity. It's like the moment when Curtis Toler saw his son singing at his graduation, or when Sandra Milena Vera Bustos was surrounded by soldiers.

Recognizing the opportunity. It's important to recognize a saturation point when it occurs, as it can be a fleeting opportunity. Once people reach this point, they may be more open to new ideas and new ways of resolving conflict. It's like the moment when the Nixon sisters finally agreed to meet and resolve their dispute.

8. Time, Space, and New Identities are Essential for Escape

No one will change in the ways you want them to until they believe you understand and accept them for who they are right now. (And sometimes not even then.)

Physical and mental distance. To escape high conflict, people need to create physical and mental distance from the conflict. This can involve moving to a new location, changing their routines, or simply taking a break from the constant cycle of negativity. It's like Gary's bike ride home, which allowed him to escape the turmoil of his work.

New identities. People also need to develop new identities that are not tied to the conflict. This can involve finding new hobbies, pursuing new goals, or connecting with new communities. It's like Curtis's new identity as a father and a community leader, which helped him leave his gang life behind.

The power of time. Time is a crucial element in the process of escaping high conflict. It takes time to heal, to build new relationships, and to develop new identities. It's like the eleven years that passed before Jefferson and Adams spoke to one another again.

9. Curiosity and Listening are the Antidotes to High Conflict

We are more willing and able to understand others when we feel understood ourselves.

The power of looping. Active listening, or "looping," is a powerful tool for breaking down barriers and building understanding. It involves reflecting back what the other person has said and checking to see if you've understood correctly. It's like Gary's mediation technique, which helped people feel heard and understood.

Curiosity over certainty. Curiosity is the antidote to certainty, which is a hallmark of high conflict. By asking questions and seeking to understand the other side's perspective, we can break down stereotypes and find common ground. It's like the way Gary asked questions about the crock pot, revealing the understory of the conflict.

The illusion of communication. We often overestimate our ability to communicate effectively and underestimate the power of confirmation bias. By actively listening and seeking to understand, we can overcome these barriers and build more meaningful connections. It's like the experiment where people tapped out songs, and listeners could not guess them.

10. Building Conflict Resilience Requires Systemic Change

High conflict is a system, not a feeling.

Beyond individual change. While individual efforts are important, lasting change requires systemic change. This means creating institutions and societies that are designed for healthy conflict, not high conflict. It's like the Bahá’í elections, which are designed to reduce the power of binary thinking.

Challenging the status quo. We need to challenge the status quo and create new ways of doing things, from politics to business to the law. This means questioning our assumptions and being open to new ideas. It's like Gary's decision to create a new way to practice law, one that honored the relationships between people.

Creating a culture of listening. We need to create a culture that values listening and understanding, rather than shouting and blaming. This means teaching people how to listen effectively and creating spaces where people can have difficult conversations without fear of judgment. It's like the way BJ created a space for people to talk about Israel and interfaith marriage.

Last updated: January 14, 2025