How to Let Things Go

1. Let Go to Improve Your Life

Now is the time to decide what to let go of.

Survival skill. Letting go is not about irresponsibility, but a crucial skill for navigating today's information-saturated world. It's about discerning what to hold onto and what to release to live a fuller life. We are constantly bombarded with information and social media demands, making it impossible to respond to everything.

Differentiate and prioritize. The ability to differentiate between what we should hold onto and what we should let go of is essential for our well-being. This skill allows us to focus our energy on what truly matters, rather than being overwhelmed by the constant influx of information and demands. It's about making conscious choices about where we invest our time and attention.

Minimize complications. By letting go of unnecessary burdens, we create space for clarity and focus. This allows us to live with greater ease and comfort, free from the weight of things we cannot control. It's about simplifying our lives to concentrate on what we can achieve in the present moment.

2. Detach from Others' Affairs

There is a fine line between being attentive and being meddlesome.

Attentive vs. meddlesome. When someone is troubled, there's a fine line between being supportive and being intrusive. Often, people need space to process their worries alone, without unsolicited advice or attempts to cheer them up. It's about respecting their need for solitude.

Respect their space. When someone is worrying, they often need time to worry alone. They are not in the mood for someone to tell them to do this or that, to encourage them to cheer up, or even to invite them out for a drink “to take their mind off things.” Managing any response can be hard on them. It’s often just more trouble.

Empathy and patience. Consider how you would feel in their situation. Wouldn't you prefer to be left alone until you've had a chance to calm down? This approach fosters genuine support rather than unwanted interference. It's about offering space and understanding, not imposing solutions.

3. Change Yourself, Not Others

First, you change.

Acceptance is key. Trying to change others is often futile and only makes your own life more difficult. Instead, focus on changing yourself and how you react to situations. This approach leads to greater ease and peace.

Focus on self-improvement. There are precious few instances when things go exactly the way you want them to. Put another way, it may be that the only time you get what you want is when it has to do with yourself. It’s time to let go of others who are beyond your control. Better to focus on how you can change in order to make things go smoothly for yourself.

Ripple effect. When you change, there's a chance that others' behavior may also shift. By focusing on your own actions and reactions, you create a positive ripple effect that can improve your relationships and interactions. It's about leading by example and inspiring change through your own transformation.

4. Embrace Imperfection in Relationships

Actually, even thirty or forty percent is enough.

No one knows everything. It's unrealistic to expect that others will ever fully understand you, or that you will fully understand them. Aim for a connection of 30-40%, and be grateful for that. This realistic perspective reduces the pressure to be completely known.

Quality over quantity. A close relationship with a vast number of people—and the desire for one in and of itself—is a delusion. We should be grateful for even a thirty- or forty-percent connection. It's about valuing the depth of connection over the breadth of acquaintances.

Practical perspective. It's better to have a more practical perspective. No one will ever understand everything about you. You will never completely know your friends, either. Realistically, you can consider yourself lucky if you have a few friends with whom you share about half of what there is to know about one another.

5. Accept Differences, Even in Family

The important thing is to have respect for one another’s lifestyles.

Family is not identical. Just because you are related to someone doesn't mean you will automatically understand them. Family members are still individuals with their own personalities, tastes, and views. The more you strive for perfect harmony, the less attainable it becomes.

Mutual respect. The important thing to remember is that your family may be kin, but they are not the same as you. You must have mutual respect for each other’s lifestyles. You must treat them with patience and acknowledge their opinions, not impose your own upon them.

Avoid dismissal. The worst thing you can do is dismiss someone in your family out of hand when they act in a way that doesn’t make sense to you. It’s fine to offer advice—just don’t forget that they are different from you. It's about acknowledging their individuality and offering support without imposing your own views.

6. Release the Need to Understand Everything

There will be times when you don’t understand each other, and that’s okay.

Accepting the unknown. Even married couples don't understand each other perfectly. If you get each other half the time, things are likely going well. It's okay to not understand everything about your partner.

Focus on shared connections. The trick to avoiding a middle-aged divorce is not to understand everything about your partner, but instead to find just a few additional things that you can share more deeply with each other. Focus on the things you do share and build on those connections.

Let go of the need to know. Don't worry too much about the parts of someone that you struggle to understand—just leave them be. This approach reduces conflict and allows for a more peaceful relationship. It's about accepting differences and focusing on what you can connect on.

7. Maintain Detachment at Work

Let workplace relationships stay in the workplace.

Professional boundaries. While workplace friendships can be rewarding, it's important to keep out of your colleagues' private lives. This helps to avoid potential conflicts and maintain a professional environment.

Detachment is key. You might even say that, now more than ever, the times demand we be detached. Too much involvement could potentially lead to being entangled in problems such as workplace bullying, harassment by a supervisor, or sexual harassment.

Respect privacy. The cardinal rule is to have conversations about private topics only with those who choose to open up to you. Keep in mind that you shouldn’t be the one to bring up others’ personal lives—let them come to you. It's about respecting boundaries and maintaining a professional distance.

8. Avoid Cliques, Seek Fluid Relationships

Most people are neither enemies nor allies.

Fluid relationships. Most of our relationships are not with enemies or allies. There are times when we join forces with someone and times when we find ourselves on opposing sides. The ideal relationship has this fluid quality.

Avoid enemy mentality. We ought to be especially mindful not to regard as our enemies those whose opinions or mindsets differ from ours. The moment you begin to consider someone your enemy, your own sense of equilibrium is thrown off.

Rivals, not enemies. Try to think of them as a rival rather than an enemy. This shift in perspective tends to foster friendly competition rather than serious conflict and builds relationships that strive for mutual growth. It's about fostering healthy competition and mutual growth.

9. Stop Monitoring Others' Every Move

People don’t trust those who are always looking over their shoulder.

Authenticity is key. When you keep watch over someone’s every move, trying to adjust your behavior to theirs, it comes off as unnatural and arouses suspicion. A consistent self—one that doesn’t shift depending on whom you’re with—is the key to establishing authentic, trusting relationships.

Focus on feelings, not control. To avoid offending or upsetting others, it’s important to take their feelings into consideration. But your concern should be for their feelings, not for how your behavior could reflect poorly on you.

Consistent self. Everyone is different, and ought to be treated accordingly. In theory, if you interact with ten people, you might need to behave in ten different ways to get along with each of them. But that would be exhausting. You might even lose sight of which version is your true self, and others may begin to doubt your sincerity.

10. Observe, Don't Intervene

Your intentions may be good, but better to have patience.

Patience is key. Some parents nag and criticize, perhaps because they don’t approve of what their children do or how they behave. Likewise, some bosses needle their subordinates and issue directive after directive because they can’t stand inefficiency and disorganization.

Encourage self-reliance. These tendencies may stem from parental love or a protective hope for someone’s development and success, but they don’t nurture a child’s or subordinate’s ability to think and act for themselves.

Intervene only when necessary. Of course, if you feel like someone is headed for trouble, or if they are endangered, it’s okay to intervene. Nudge them out of harm’s way with some gentle advice. And if they seek further guidance, frame your response with, “If it were me, I’d do this…” Then go back to simply observing.

11. Cherish Solitude

Time spent in solitude is absolutely crucial.

Introspection and reflection. Time spent in solitude is absolutely crucial. You need time alone with your thoughts to consider where you’ve been and where you’re going, to question your behavior, to examine events that have happened in the world and how they affect you…. The list goes on and on.

Luxury of solitude. Since ancient times, Japanese people have regarded a quiet life alone, surrounded by the abundance of nature, as the height of luxury. We ought to strive for the awareness and introspection that alone time provides. It is a luxury that fosters a better way of life.

Avoid constant contact. I can’t help but think that ever since we’ve entered this age of the smartphone, we have become averse to loneliness. Perhaps we have grown accustomed to constant contact with others, chatting with them as if they were by our sides. But it seems as though we can no longer bear to spend time on our own, or to have free time with nothing to do.

12. Abide by Fate, Not Profit

Resist a reductive analysis of profit and loss.

Fate guides actions. By allowing fate to guide our actions, we can enable our lives to run smoothly. If something doesn’t go your way, you might say, “It wasn’t in the stars.” This could be not getting into a certain college, not getting a job at a particular company, a business deal falling through, a project being terminated, an invitation you had to decline because of a schedule conflict, a romantic prospect you never managed to get to know….

Resist forcing outcomes. Similarly, to resist fate by trying to force something to happen is not a good idea. Let’s say a lucrative opportunity comes along, but you’re already committed to something else—you ought to prioritize and honor your commitment by declining the new opportunity.

Natural course. It’s a mistake to evaluate things based upon a simple calculation of profit and loss. Rather, you won’t go wrong if you abide by fate. Indeed, your life will follow its natural course. It's about trusting the process and allowing life to unfold naturally.

Last updated: February 3, 2025