How to Talk When Kids Won't Listen

1. Acknowledge feelings to build trust and open communication

"When we accept the negative feelings of a person in distress, we're giving her a gift. At least one other person in the world understands what she's going through. She is not alone."

Validate emotions. When children express strong feelings, resist the urge to dismiss or minimize them. Instead, put those feelings into words: "You sound really frustrated about that math homework." This shows you're listening and helps kids feel understood. Even if you can't fix the problem, acknowledging feelings often helps children calm down and move on.

Avoid judgement. Don't lecture or criticize when kids share difficult emotions. Phrases like "There's nothing to be scared of" or "You shouldn't feel that way" teach children to hide their true feelings. Instead, accept all emotions as valid, even if you don't agree with the child's reaction. This builds trust and encourages open communication.

2. Offer choices to empower children and reduce power struggles

"By offering a choice, we engage the natural impulse to control one's own destiny. It also gives a child valuable practice in decision-making."

Provide options. When possible, give children age-appropriate choices instead of commands. For example, "Do you want to wear the red shirt or the blue one?" or "Would you like to start your homework now or after a 15-minute break?" This gives kids a sense of control and reduces resistance.

Be specific. Offer limited, concrete choices rather than open-ended ones. "What would you like for dinner?" may overwhelm a young child, while "Would you prefer pasta or tacos?" is easier to process. Ensure all options are acceptable to you to avoid power struggles.

• For toddlers: "Do you want to walk to the car or have me carry you?"
• For school-age kids: "You can finish your homework before or after dinner. Which do you prefer?"
• For teens: "You can earn screen time by doing chores or reading. What's your choice?"

3. Describe problems neutrally to encourage problem-solving

"When we describe the problem, we do the opposite. We invite the child to become part of the solution. We give them a chance to tell themselves what to do."

State facts. Instead of criticizing or blaming, calmly describe what you see: "There are toys all over the floor" rather than "You're so messy! Clean up this disaster!" This approach is less likely to put kids on the defensive and more likely to inspire cooperation.

Invite solutions. After describing the situation, ask for ideas: "What can we do about this?" or "How can we solve this problem?" This encourages children to think critically and take responsibility. Even if their initial suggestions aren't practical, praise their effort and guide them towards workable solutions.

• Example: "I see dirty dishes in the sink. What's our plan for getting them cleaned up?"
• Example: "Your room is very cluttered. What ideas do you have for organizing it?"
• Example: "We need to leave in 10 minutes. What do we still need to do to get ready?"

4. Use playfulness to diffuse tension and gain cooperation

"WARNING: This tool is very powerful, but it cannot be operated when under the influence of irritation. You have to be in the mood!"

Get creative. Turn mundane tasks into games or silly scenarios. This can transform potential battles into moments of connection. For example, pretend stuffed animals need help getting dressed to encourage a reluctant child to put on clothes.

Use humor. Lighthearted approaches often work better than stern commands. Make inanimate objects talk, use funny voices, or create absurd situations to capture kids' attention and compliance. Remember that the goal is cooperation, not perfect behavior.

• Cleaning up: "Let's pretend we're robots programmed to put away toys. Beep-boop!"
• Bedtime routine: "I wonder if these pajamas know how to jump onto your body?"
• Leaving the house: "Should we hop like kangaroos or slither like snakes to the car?"

5. Problem-solve collaboratively instead of imposing punishments

"The strange, counterintuitive truth is that children learn to regulate their behavior better when we take punishment out of the equation."

Skip threats. Avoid using punishments or "consequences" as your go-to discipline strategy. Research shows this approach often breeds resentment without teaching better behavior. Instead, involve children in finding solutions to recurring problems.

Follow steps. Use a problem-solving approach: 1) Acknowledge feelings, 2) State the problem neutrally, 3) Brainstorm solutions together, 4) Choose a mutually agreeable plan, 5) Implement and evaluate. This process helps children develop critical thinking skills and take ownership of their behavior.

• Example problem: Constant arguing over screen time
• Possible solutions: Create a schedule, earn time through chores, set a timer
• Agreed plan: 30 minutes of screen time after homework, with a 5-minute warning

6. Praise effort and progress rather than fixed traits

"When we accept the negative feelings of a person in distress, we're giving her a gift. At least one other person in the world understands what she's going through. She is not alone."

Focus on process. Instead of general praise like "You're so smart!" or "What a good girl!", describe specific actions and efforts. This helps children develop a growth mindset and resilience. For example: "You worked really hard on that puzzle. I saw how you kept trying different pieces until you found the right fit."

Avoid comparisons. Don't praise one child by putting down another or comparing siblings. This can foster unnecessary competition and resentment. Instead, celebrate each child's individual progress and achievements.

• Instead of: "You're a natural athlete!"

• Try: "I noticed how you've been practicing your jump shot every day. It's really paying off!"

• Instead of: "You're so much neater than your brother."

• Try: "I see you took the time to organize your bookshelf. It looks great!"

7. Manage the environment instead of controlling the child

"We need to manage the environment instead of the child, which means putting devices out of reach and, when possible, out of sight, in the same way that we don't leave bags of candy out on the kitchen table all day and then get annoyed with kids when the next dentist bill is shockingly high."

Set up for success. Arrange your home to minimize temptations and make desired behaviors easier. For example, keep healthy snacks at eye level in the fridge, create a designated homework area free from distractions, or use child locks on cabinets with fragile items.

Offer alternatives. When you need to restrict access to something, provide appealing substitutes. If the child can't play with your phone, have engaging toys readily available. If screen time is limited, ensure there are enticing books, art supplies, or outdoor equipment accessible.

• For toddlers: Childproof rooms to allow safe exploration
• For school-age kids: Create organized spaces for backpacks, shoes, and homework
• For teens: Establish device-free zones or times for the whole family

8. Address underlying needs behind challenging behaviors

"There can be many: jealousy over a new baby, anxiety about a new school routine, conflict over a possession, or frustration that has nothing to do with the victim."

Look deeper. When faced with problematic behavior, resist the urge to react solely to the surface issue. Instead, consider what unmet needs might be driving the child's actions. Are they seeking attention, control, comfort, or competence?

Meet needs proactively. Once you identify potential underlying causes, find positive ways to fulfill those needs before problems arise. This might involve scheduling one-on-one time, teaching coping strategies for anxiety, or providing more age-appropriate challenges.

• Possible needs behind aggression: Physical outlet, verbal skills to express frustration
• Possible needs behind defiance: Sense of autonomy, clearer expectations
• Possible needs behind clinginess: Reassurance, predictable routines

9. Model respectful communication even during conflicts

"When we slap a disparaging label on a child, we're hoping to inspire her to act better. Oh gosh, now that I realize I'm rude, I shall reform my ill-mannered ways. Unfortunately, reality doesn't work that way."

Watch your words. Avoid name-calling, sarcasm, or threats, even when frustrated. Children learn communication patterns from adults, so model the respectful language you want them to use. Instead of "You're being so lazy!" try "I feel frustrated when chores aren't completed."

Use "I" statements. Express your feelings and needs without attacking the child's character. This approach is less likely to provoke defensiveness and more likely to inspire cooperation. For example: "I feel worried when homework isn't finished before bedtime" rather than "You never do your work on time!"

• Instead of: "Stop whining! You're driving me crazy!"

• Try: "I'm having trouble listening when you use that tone. Can you tell me what's bothering you in a calmer voice?"

• Instead of: "You're so selfish! Think about someone besides yourself for once!"

• Try: "I feel hurt when my things are taken without asking. I need you to respect my belongings."

10. Have age-appropriate conversations about sensitive topics

"Our experience has been that pubescent children are often acutely self-conscious talking with their parents about the mysteries of procreation. They can find conversations about sexuality painfully embarrassing. On the other hand, younger children tend to see the whole process as just another fascinating set of facts about the endlessly strange world they live in."

Start early. Don't wait for the "perfect moment" to discuss topics like sex, death, or prejudice. Begin having simple, factual conversations when children are young and naturally curious. This establishes you as a trusted source of information and makes later, more detailed discussions less awkward.

Be honest. Answer questions truthfully, using correct terminology, but keep explanations age-appropriate. It's okay to say, "That's a great question. I need to think about how to explain it best." or "I don't know the answer, but we can look it up together."

• For young children: Use proper names for body parts, explain basic biology
• For school-age kids: Discuss puberty, online safety, different types of families
• For teens: Cover consent, healthy relationships, contraception, gender identity

How to Talk When Kids Won't Listen. Summary.

Last updated: October 24, 2024