Husbandry

1. Marriage is a journey of compromise and adaptation

I think women often assume that long-married guys will be jealous of their peers who are suddenly "freed," which is why they often fear that divorce can be contagious in groups of couple friends.

Evolving together. Marriage is a continuous process of growth and change. As couples age, they face new challenges and must adapt to each other's evolving needs and desires. This includes navigating career changes, health issues, and shifting family dynamics.

Balancing acts. Successful marriages often involve finding a balance between individual needs and shared goals. This might mean compromising on household chores, financial decisions, or social activities. Couples who can negotiate these compromises with respect and understanding tend to have stronger, more resilient relationships.

Embracing change. Recognizing that both partners will change over time is crucial. Being open to these changes and supporting each other's personal growth can lead to a deeper, more fulfilling partnership. This might involve developing new shared interests or accepting new aspects of your partner's personality.

2. Communication is key, even in the most mundane aspects of life

Sharing responsibility, or even guilt, over missed opportunities is an underappreciated part of the marital balancing act.

Daily dialogues. Effective communication in marriage extends beyond major life decisions to everyday interactions. This includes discussing household tasks, schedules, and personal needs.

Listening skills. Active listening is crucial in marital communication. This means not just hearing your partner's words, but also trying to understand their underlying emotions and motivations.

Non-verbal cues. A significant portion of marital communication is non-verbal. Understanding and responding to your partner's body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions can greatly improve your relationship. This includes:

• Recognizing signs of stress or fatigue
• Responding to subtle requests for affection or support
• Acknowledging each other's efforts through gestures and expressions

3. Jealousy and trust are ongoing challenges in long-term relationships

Jealousy is one of the few emotions that husbands have always been expected to express. Unfortunately, most of us express it really badly—often for absolutely no good reason, and sometimes with disastrous consequences.

Root causes. Jealousy often stems from insecurity or past experiences. Understanding these underlying factors can help couples address jealousy more effectively.

Building trust. Trust is the antidote to jealousy. It requires consistent honesty, transparency, and reliability from both partners. Some ways to build trust include:

• Keeping promises, no matter how small
• Being open about your whereabouts and activities
• Respecting each other's privacy while maintaining openness

Healthy boundaries. Establishing clear boundaries in relationships with others can help alleviate jealousy. This might include agreeing on appropriate interactions with coworkers or friends of the opposite sex.

4. Shared activities and interests can strengthen marital bonds

Luckily, the experience has made more couples than it has broken.

Common ground. Engaging in shared activities can create new opportunities for connection and communication. This might include:

• Taking up a new hobby together
• Participating in sports or fitness activities as a couple
• Volunteering for a cause you both care about

Individual pursuits. While shared activities are important, maintaining individual interests is equally crucial. Supporting each other's personal hobbies and passions can lead to a more balanced and fulfilling relationship.

Quality time. Regular date nights or dedicated couple time can help maintain intimacy and connection. This doesn't always have to involve elaborate plans; simple activities like taking a walk together or cooking a meal can be just as effective.

5. Financial management is a crucial aspect of marital harmony

We trust our spouses in many ways, but trusting someone with your money might actually be braver—and riskier—than trusting emotionally or sexually.

Open dialogue. Regular discussions about financial goals, spending habits, and budgeting can prevent misunderstandings and conflicts. This includes:

• Setting short-term and long-term financial goals
• Agreeing on major purchases
• Discussing retirement planning

Shared responsibility. While one partner might take the lead in managing finances, both should be involved and informed. This ensures transparency and shared decision-making.

Financial independence. Maintaining some level of financial independence within the marriage can be healthy. This might involve:

• Having separate accounts for personal spending
• Agreeing on an amount each partner can spend without consultation
• Respecting each other's financial priorities

6. Technology can both help and hinder marital relationships

Apparently, nearly forty percent of people answer their cell phones in the bathroom. That number is only going to go up.

Digital boundaries. Establishing rules around technology use can prevent it from interfering with quality time together. This might include:

• No phones at the dinner table
• Designated tech-free times or zones in the home
• Agreeing on privacy settings for social media accounts

Staying connected. Technology can also enhance communication in marriages, especially for couples who spend time apart due to work or other commitments. Regular check-ins via text or video call can help maintain connection.

Balancing act. Finding the right balance between using technology to enhance your relationship and preventing it from becoming a distraction is crucial. This might involve:

• Using shared calendars to coordinate schedules
• Watching shows together via streaming services when apart
• Sending loving messages or funny memes throughout the day

7. Maintaining individuality within a partnership is essential

I think couples who don't sleep together fall into two basic groups.

Personal space. Respecting each other's need for alone time and personal space is crucial for maintaining individuality within a marriage. This might include:

• Having separate hobbies or interests
• Maintaining friendships outside the marriage
• Taking solo trips or vacations occasionally

Supporting growth. Encouraging each other's personal and professional development can strengthen the relationship. This involves:

• Celebrating individual achievements
• Providing emotional support during challenges
• Being open to changes in career or personal goals

Balancing togetherness and independence. Finding the right balance between shared activities and individual pursuits is key. This balance may shift over time and require ongoing negotiation and adjustment.

8. Humor and playfulness are vital ingredients in a lasting marriage

I think one of the best things about Valentine's Day is that it makes people reconsider the importance of love and romance in long-term marriages.

Laughter as medicine. Shared humor can diffuse tension, create bonding experiences, and make daily life more enjoyable. This might include:

• Inside jokes that only you two understand
• Playful teasing (within respectful boundaries)
• Finding humor in challenging situations

Keeping things light. Not taking everything too seriously can help maintain perspective in a relationship. This involves:

• Being able to laugh at yourself
• Finding joy in small, everyday moments
• Using humor to navigate disagreements

Cultivating fun. Actively seeking out opportunities for fun and play can keep the relationship fresh and exciting. This might include:

• Surprising each other with silly gifts or gestures
• Planning unexpected date nights or adventures
• Engaging in playful competition (e.g., board games, sports)

9. Navigating family relationships adds complexity to married life

It begins the moment you're married and it never stops—even after you're dead.

Balancing act. Managing relationships with in-laws and extended family requires diplomacy and compromise. This involves:

• Setting boundaries with family members
• Agreeing on how to divide time between families
• Supporting each other in family conflicts

Creating new traditions. Blending family traditions and creating new ones as a couple can help establish your own family identity. This might include:

• Developing unique holiday rituals
• Starting annual family gatherings or trips
• Incorporating elements from both families' cultures or traditions

United front. Presenting a united front when dealing with family issues is crucial. This means:

• Discussing family matters privately before addressing them with others
• Supporting each other's decisions regarding family interactions
• Avoiding taking sides in family conflicts

10. Travel and new experiences can rejuvenate a relationship

When you travel, you get the chance to become occasional strangers together; forced out of normal rituals, roles, and routines, almost anything can happen.

Shared adventures. Traveling together creates shared memories and experiences that can strengthen your bond. This includes:

• Exploring new places and cultures
• Overcoming challenges together
• Creating stories that become part of your shared history

Breaking routines. Getting out of your comfort zone and daily routines can bring new energy to your relationship. This might involve:

• Trying new activities or cuisines
• Meeting new people
• Experiencing different lifestyles

Rekindling romance. Travel can provide opportunities for romance and intimacy away from the stresses of everyday life. This includes:

• Enjoying uninterrupted time together
• Experiencing new environments that inspire passion
• Rediscovering each other outside of normal roles and responsibilities

Last updated: February 17, 2025