I Can Fix This

1. Parenting a Struggling Child is a Journey of Lies We Tell Ourselves

Tell the story of the mountain you climbed. Your words could become a page in someone else’s survival guide.

Facing the Truth. The book explores the difficult realities of parenting a child struggling with mental health and substance abuse, challenging the common lies parents tell themselves to cope. These lies, such as "I can fix this" or "It's all my fault," often hinder effective support and perpetuate feelings of guilt and isolation. The author's candid account aims to provide a survival guide for other parents navigating similar challenges.

Common Lies. The book identifies ten common lies parents tell themselves, including:

• "I can fix this"
• "I am in control"
• "It's all my fault"
• "Progress is a straight line"
• "Good parents are selfless"
• "The squeaky wheel needs the most grease"
• "Information leads to clarity"
• "Breaking bad habits equals instant relief"
• "Mother knows best"
• "You can’t eat a meatball sandwich cold"

Finding Strength in Vulnerability. By sharing her personal struggles, the author encourages parents to confront their own vulnerabilities and seek support. The book emphasizes the importance of honesty and self-compassion in navigating the complexities of parenting a child with significant challenges.

2. The Illusion of Control: Letting Go to Help Your Child

Every behavior is an attempt to communicate a want or a need. Luka’s behavior is completely unacceptable, but it is not personal.

The Myth of Control. Parents often believe they can control their children's choices and outcomes, leading to frustration and despair when faced with a struggling child. The book challenges this illusion, emphasizing the importance of letting go of control to foster genuine connection and support. Recognizing that behavior is communication is key.

Shifting from Control to Support. Instead of trying to control their child's behavior, parents should focus on providing a stable and loving environment. This involves setting appropriate boundaries, offering empathy, and seeking professional help when needed. It also means understanding that a child's actions are not a reflection of the parent's worth.

Embracing Uncertainty. Letting go of control requires accepting the uncertainty of the situation and trusting the child's ability to make their own choices. This can be difficult, but it ultimately empowers the child to take responsibility for their own healing and growth.

3. Guilt vs. Responsibility: Finding the Balance in Parental Blame

I’ve spent my career encouraging other parents to give themselves more credit than criticism and more grace than judgment, and now, as impossible as it seems, I need to take my own advice.

The Trap of Self-Blame. Parents of struggling children often fall into the trap of self-blame, questioning their parenting choices and feeling responsible for their child's difficulties. The book encourages parents to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, recognizing that while they may not be at fault, they still have a role to play in supporting their child.

Taking Ownership Without Self-Abuse. It's important for parents to take ownership of their actions and choices, but without engaging in self-abuse. This involves acknowledging mistakes, learning from them, and focusing on what can be done to support the child moving forward.

Seeking Support and Perspective. Parents should seek support from therapists, support groups, and other trusted individuals to gain perspective and avoid getting stuck in a cycle of self-blame. Remember, you are not alone, and there are resources available to help you navigate this challenging journey.

4. Healing Isn't Linear: Navigating Setbacks with Grace

Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. . . .

The Rollercoaster of Recovery. The path to healing is rarely a straight line, and parents must be prepared for setbacks and relapses. The book emphasizes the importance of navigating these challenges with grace and resilience, avoiding the trap of discouragement and maintaining hope for the future.

Embracing the Ups and Downs. Setbacks are a normal part of the healing process, and parents should view them as opportunities for learning and growth. This involves adjusting treatment plans, seeking additional support, and maintaining a positive attitude.

Focusing on the Present. Instead of dwelling on past mistakes or worrying about future outcomes, parents should focus on the present moment and what they can do to support their child today. This involves practicing mindfulness, celebrating small victories, and maintaining a sense of gratitude.

5. Selflessness vs. Self-Care: Prioritizing Your Well-being as a Parent

Do not ever feel guilty taking care of the most important person in your child’s life—you!

The Myth of Selfless Parenting. Society often promotes the idea that good parents must be selfless, sacrificing their own needs for the sake of their children. The book challenges this myth, emphasizing the importance of self-care for parents of struggling children.

Prioritizing Your Well-being. Parents must prioritize their own physical, emotional, and mental well-being to effectively support their children. This involves setting boundaries, seeking respite, and engaging in activities that bring joy and relaxation.

Modeling Healthy Behavior. By prioritizing self-care, parents model healthy behavior for their children, teaching them the importance of self-compassion and balance. Remember, you cannot pour from an empty cup, and taking care of yourself is essential for being a good parent.

6. Beyond the Squeaky Wheel: Giving Every Child the Attention They Deserve

You know how when you’re standing on the diving board, I count one, two, three and then you jump in the pool and you swim and feel so light and free? Well, how about this? When you’re struggling to share something important with me, I’ll say, ‘One, two three, jump!’ and then you let your words just jump out of your mouth, knowing that you’ll feel so much lighter and more free.

The Risk of Overfocus. When one child is struggling, it's easy for parents to focus all their attention on that child, neglecting the needs of their other children. The book emphasizes the importance of giving every child the attention and support they deserve, even when one child requires more immediate care.

Creating Individual Connections. Parents should make a conscious effort to connect with each of their children individually, spending quality time and engaging in activities that foster a sense of connection. This involves being present, listening actively, and validating their feelings.

Addressing Silent Struggles. It's important to pay attention to children who may be silently struggling, even if they don't exhibit outward signs of distress. This involves creating a safe space for them to share their feelings and seeking professional help if needed.

7. Information Overload: Seeking Clarity Beyond the Data

True curiosity, as my friend Jason puts it, means standing in awe of someone’s story.

The Trap of Information Seeking. In times of crisis, parents often seek information to gain clarity and control, but this can lead to information overload and anxiety. The book encourages parents to balance information seeking with intuition and empathy, focusing on understanding their child's unique experience.

Balancing Knowledge and Intuition. While it's important to be informed, parents should also trust their intuition and listen to their child's needs. This involves avoiding the trap of comparing their child to others and focusing on what's best for their individual situation.

Standing in Awe. True curiosity involves standing in awe of someone's story, listening without judgment, and seeking to understand their perspective. This approach fosters connection and allows for genuine support.

8. Breaking Bad Habits: The Long Road to Relief and Recovery

What is immediately rewarded is repeated. What is immediately punished is avoided.

The Allure of Instant Relief. Struggling children often turn to bad habits as a way to cope with their pain and find instant relief. The book explores the challenges of breaking these habits, emphasizing the importance of patience, understanding, and consistent support.

Replacing Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms. Breaking bad habits requires replacing them with healthy coping mechanisms, such as therapy, exercise, and creative expression. This involves identifying triggers, developing coping strategies, and seeking professional help when needed.

Celebrating Small Victories. The road to recovery is long and challenging, and parents should celebrate small victories along the way. This involves acknowledging progress, offering encouragement, and maintaining a positive attitude.

9. Beyond Mother's Intuition: Embracing Shared Wisdom and Support

We aren’t open to learning if we’ve already decided we know what the problem is, and how to solve it.

The Limits of Intuition. While mother's intuition can be valuable, it's not always enough to navigate the complexities of parenting a struggling child. The book encourages parents to seek shared wisdom and support from other parents, therapists, and professionals.

Building a Support Network. Creating a strong support network is essential for parents of struggling children. This involves connecting with other parents who understand their challenges, seeking guidance from therapists and professionals, and embracing the wisdom of shared experiences.

Learning from Others. Being open to learning from others, even when it challenges their own beliefs, is crucial for effective support. This involves listening actively, seeking diverse perspectives, and embracing the power of shared wisdom.

10. Finding Beauty in the Broken: Seeing Light Through the Cracks

I’m realizing that I have to learn a new language so that I can interpret what Luka is communicating to me, a language that’s ever changing, and completely indistinguishable unless I am calm and not reactive.

Embracing Imperfection. The book challenges the notion of perfect parenting, encouraging parents to embrace imperfection and find beauty in the brokenness of their experiences. This involves accepting their own limitations, celebrating their strengths, and finding gratitude in the midst of challenges.

Seeing Light Through the Cracks. Even in the darkest of times, there is always light to be found. This involves focusing on the positive aspects of their child's journey, celebrating their resilience, and maintaining hope for the future.

Finding Meaning in the Struggle. By sharing their stories, parents can help others feel less alone and find meaning in their own struggles. This involves embracing vulnerability, offering support, and recognizing the power of shared experiences to heal and transform.

Last updated: March 28, 2025