I Had a Nice Time and Other Lies...

1. Get Your Shit Together Before You Date

How can you expect anyone to love you if you don’t love yourself?

Self-love first. Before seeking love from others, you must genuinely believe you are amazing and that any guy would be lucky to have you. This isn't about being perfect, but about identifying and addressing your insecurities, whether physical or mental. Guys pick up on insecurity faster than they say "I'll just pull out."

Address insecurities. Don't just complain about what you don't like about yourself; actively work on it. If you think you're overweight, lose weight. If you lack confidence, figure out why and fix it. This self-improvement isn't for a guy, but for your own happiness and confidence, which are inherently attractive.

Avoid playing victim. Don't make excuses for why you can't improve. Laziness is okay if you own it, but don't blame external factors for your lack of self-improvement. Draw confidence from what you're good at and work on accepting or changing what you're not.

2. Don't Date Just for the Sake of Having a Boyfriend

The only reason you should be in a relationship is because your boyfriend/fiancé/husband/lover adds something awesome to your life, not because he completes it.

Avoid desperation. Wanting a boyfriend just to have one is pathetic and makes you seem desperate, which repels men. A relationship should complement your already amazing life, not be the source of your happiness. Being single has perks, and being alone is better than being with someone who sucks.

Be a hot commodity. Your time and affection are valuable. Don't let just anyone in your life. Ask yourself if he's the Jay Z to your Beyoncé. If not, dump him. If maybe, consider if he adds real value beyond just filling a void.

Happiness is internal. A relationship is not the key to happiness. If you're lonely, get a friend. If you want attention, go on The Bachelor. If you want sex, walk outside. True happiness comes from within, and only when you're content being alone are you truly open to sharing your happiness with someone else.

3. Meet Guys Where You Are, Including Online

Everyone’s doing it.

Don't make meeting guys the goal. Your primary goal when going out or engaging in activities should be to have fun with friends or pursue your interests. Desperation is unattractive. Meeting someone should be a bonus, not the mission.

Diverse meeting places. You can meet guys anywhere, but some places are better than others for finding quality prospects.

• Sober activities (sports leagues, charity committees) attract like-minded individuals.
• Work events (peripheral contacts) can connect you with people in your field.
• Setups (by trusted friends) can lead to compatible matches.
• Bars/clubs are better for hookups than relationships.

Online dating is normal now. The stigma is fading. Online dating expands your options without disrupting your routine. It forces guys to ask you on real dates. However, be wary of profiles and messages, and use it casually alongside real-life interactions.

4. Master the Early Dating Game (Especially Texting)

She who texts first loses.

Flirting is an art. Whether in person or via text, the goal is to be alluring without being needy or overly available.

• In person: Use eye contact (3-10 seconds), smile (if you're a natural smiler), and go out in small groups (3 or less). Exit conversations at their peak.
• Texting: Keep it light and short. Don't over-analyze or send long paragraphs. Respond enthusiastically but not immediately.

Texting red flags. Pay attention to his texting style; it reveals his intentions.

• Too sarcastic or awkward responses.
• Drifting in and out of contact.
• Bad spelling/grammar (laziness).
• Overly friendly or too busy/casual.

Social media etiquette. Be reserved in the early stages.

• Accept friend/follow requests after a few dates.
• Like posts occasionally, but don't stalk or like old pictures.
• Never post a picture of the two of you before defining the relationship.

5. Spot Red Flags and Dealbreakers Early

If someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

Pay attention to actions. Words are cheap; actions show a guy's true intentions and character. If his actions don't match his words, he's not worth your time.

Common red flags/dealbreakers:

• The Liar: Lies about small things early on will escalate. Relationships are built on trust.
• The Emotionally Abusive Womanizer: Strings you along, makes you feel crazy for questioning him, feeds off your attention. Toxic behavior.
• The Talker: Says all the right things but puts in no effort (doesn't plan dates, only wants to "hang out"). Time-waster.
• Bad habits: Excessive drinking, disrespecting family, being overly gross/inappropriate, being overly jealous or trying to make you jealous.

Don't make excuses. It's easy to overlook flaws when you're caught up in a fantasy, but these issues won't magically disappear. If a guy commits these "crimes," he's wasted your time, and you should move on quickly before you get too invested.

6. Don't Settle for an "Almost Boyfriend"

Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.

Recognize the "Almost Boyfriend." This is a guy who strings you along, treating you somewhat like a girlfriend but maintaining distance and ambiguity. He's not a booty call, but he's not committing either.

• Says he doesn't want a girlfriend (believe him).
• Doesn't introduce you to his friends.
• Doesn't care if you see other guys.
• Gets evasive when you ask where things are going.
• Lets you go easily if you try to break it off.

Cut the cord. If you're tangled with an Almost Boyfriend and want more, you must end it. Lying to yourself that you're okay with the situation is pathetic. You deserve to be someone's priority.

Don't fall for the comeback. When you pull away, he might show more interest. This is often due to his own commitment issues, not a sudden realization he wants you exclusively. Don't take him back unless he genuinely changes and is willing to commit.

7. Define the Relationship and Navigate Social Media

The biggest relationship faux pas is assuming you’re exclusive.

Clarify exclusivity. Never assume you are exclusive. If you're unsure, you need to have an adult conversation about it.

• How to initiate: Be light and flirty, maybe hint at dating others, or have a straightforward conversation in person when he's in a good mood.
• Be confident: State what you want clearly but without being demanding.

Social media in relationships. Social media makes trust harder but also reveals shady behavior.

• Don't stalk his phone or accounts unless you have serious, non-snooping-based suspicions.
• Talk to him honestly about social media behavior that bothers you.
• Instagram official is the new Facebook official. Don't post a couple's pic before you're official, and ideally, let him post first.

Respect boundaries. He had a life before you, including female friends on social media. Unless their interactions are inappropriate, don't let jealousy consume you. Focus on building trust in the real world.

8. Manage Expectations and Annoying Habits

They say a good man is hard to find. Harder still is a good man with a cool mom.

Acceptance vs. settling. After the honeymoon phase, you see his flaws. Ask yourself if you can love him as he is forever. Don't expect him to change; most habits are permanent. Settling means staying with someone hoping they'll become the person you want, not accepting who they are now.

Meeting friends and family. This is a crucial step.

• Friends: Be cool, laugh at their jokes, playfully tease your boyfriend.
• Family: Be polite, pretend to like their food, answer questions without oversharing. Pay attention to his family dynamic; it's a glimpse into your future.

Keep him interested. Maintain your own life, friendships, and hobbies. Don't become codependent. Remind him subtly that you are valuable and could be lost if he gets lazy. This isn't cruel manipulation, but maintaining your independence and allure.

9. Prioritize Sex and Communication

Sex won’t make him love you.

Sex is important. A healthy sex life is crucial for a happy relationship. In the early stages, sex is frequent and exciting. As comfort grows, maintain effort and communication.

• Don't let yourself go or treat sex as routine.
• Communicate what you like and don't like without fear of judgment.
• Try new things together (toys, role-playing) to keep mystery alive.
• Don't send nude pics, especially with your face visible.

Money matters. Money can impact relationship dynamics.

• Early dating: He should pay to impress you (dates 1-3).
• Relationship: Be symbiotic. You should pay sometimes (e.g., 1 full meal every 8 dates, split others). Paying shows you're not just using him.
• Understand love languages: Show you care in ways he appreciates (gifts, time, words, service, touch), not just financially.

Mutual effort. A relationship is 50/50. If he treats you like a queen, treat him like a king. Don't take him for granted.

10. Know When and How to Break Up

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

End relationships that aren't working. Staying in a bad relationship because you're lonely or afraid of being single is a disservice to both of you. Breaking up gracefully is a valuable skill.

Breakup methods by relationship stage:

• 1-4 dates, not interested: Text him when he asks you out again, stating you don't feel a romantic connection.
• 2-4 months, not exclusive: Call or meet for coffee, say you had a great time but aren't ready for something serious (code for not that into him).
• Exclusive boyfriend: Break up in person. Give an honest reason, not a cliché.

Getting dumped. It hurts, but it makes you stronger. Don't become pathetic or desperate.

• Unfollow him on social media and cut off all contact.
• Remind yourself of his worst qualities.
• Be pleasant if you see him or his family/friends, but don't try to stay in contact.
• Never hook up with him again.

11. Commitment Requires Acceptance and Timing

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.

Accept him as he is. Don't marry someone hoping they will change. If you're not happy with who he is now, you won't be happy later. Timing is also crucial; both people need to be ready for the same level of commitment at the same time.

Discuss the future. In a strong relationship, you should be able to discuss topics like moving in or marriage openly. If he's hesitant or avoids the conversation after a reasonable amount of time (e.g., 2+ years of adult dating), it's a sign things might be headed for a break.

Ultimatums are risky. Giving a "marry me or it's over" ultimatum usually means the relationship is already on the brink. If he proposes out of fear, he'll resent you. Breaking up might prompt him to realize he wants you, but there's no guarantee.

Don't settle out of fear. Don't commit just because friends are getting engaged or you fear dying alone. If you constantly question if you're settling, you probably are. You deserve someone who feels lucky to be with you, and you should feel lucky to be with him.

Last updated: May 11, 2025