I'd Like You More If You Were More like Me

1. Intimacy is shared experience, not just physical closeness

"Intimacy is shared experience."

Redefining intimacy. Contrary to popular belief, intimacy is not solely about physical closeness or romantic relationships. It encompasses the depth of shared experiences between people, whether friends, family members, or partners. This concept extends to our relationship with God as well.

Building blocks of connection:

• Shared joys and sorrows
• Mutual understanding and empathy
• Common goals and interests
• Vulnerability and trust

Intimacy grows through everyday moments of connection, such as listening attentively, offering support, and celebrating each other's successes. It requires presence, time, and genuine engagement to flourish.

2. Vulnerability and authority are essential for deep connections

"We are drawn to people who embrace their vulnerability."

Balancing strength and weakness. True intimacy requires a paradoxical combination of vulnerability and authority. Vulnerability allows us to be authentic and open, while authority gives us the confidence to engage meaningfully with others.

Key aspects of this balance:

• Admitting weaknesses and mistakes
• Sharing fears and insecurities
• Demonstrating competence and leadership
• Setting healthy boundaries

By embracing both vulnerability and authority, we create space for others to do the same, fostering deeper, more authentic relationships. This balance reflects the divine nature, as seen in Jesus' life – both fully human (vulnerable) and fully God (authoritative).

3. Fear of rejection hinders authentic relationships

"Fear of rejection will keep people from taking all sorts of risks."

Overcoming rejection anxiety. The fear of being rejected often prevents us from pursuing genuine connections with others. This fear can manifest in various ways, from avoiding social situations to presenting a false version of ourselves.

Common fears and their impacts:

• Fear of vulnerability → emotional distance
• Fear of failure → perfectionism
• Fear of intimacy → shallow relationships

To build authentic relationships, we must confront these fears and take risks in opening up to others. Recognizing that rejection is a normal part of life and doesn't define our worth is crucial. Embracing God's unconditional love can provide a foundation of acceptance that empowers us to risk rejection for the sake of true intimacy.

4. Repair attempts are crucial for maintaining intimacy

"A repair attempt is 'any statement or action . . . that prevents negativity from escalating out of control.'"

Healing relationship ruptures. Conflicts and misunderstandings are inevitable in any relationship. The key to maintaining intimacy is not avoiding these ruptures but learning to repair them effectively.

Effective repair strategies:

• Acknowledging the issue promptly
• Taking responsibility for one's part
• Expressing genuine remorse
• Offering and requesting forgiveness
• Making amends and changing behavior

Couples and friends who master the art of repair can weather storms and emerge with stronger bonds. This process mirrors God's ongoing efforts to reconcile with humanity, offering forgiveness and restoration even when we fall short.

5. Suffering can paradoxically deepen bonds between people

"Intimacy is sparked, and a team becomes a family, when a leader is willing to say: I'm sorry. I was wrong. I don't know. I need help."

Finding connection in hardship. While suffering is often viewed negatively, it can paradoxically lead to deeper intimacy when shared with others. Vulnerability in times of struggle can create powerful bonds.

Ways suffering can enhance relationships:

• Shared challenges create empathy
• Mutual support builds trust
• Overcoming adversity together strengthens bonds
• Vulnerability allows for authentic connection

This concept is exemplified in the Christian faith, where Jesus' suffering on the cross is seen as the ultimate act of love and connection with humanity. By embracing our own suffering and supporting others in theirs, we can experience profound intimacy.

6. True intimacy overflows into serving others outside the relationship

"Intimacy without outimacy leads to stagnation and death."

Expanding the circle of love. Genuine intimacy doesn't remain self-contained but naturally expands to include and serve others. This "outimacy" prevents relationships from becoming stagnant and self-centered.

Ways to practice outimacy:

• Volunteering together
• Mentoring others as a couple or group
• Extending hospitality to those in need
• Supporting causes that benefit the community

By focusing outward, relationships gain purpose and vitality. This mirrors God's love, which isn't confined to a select few but overflows to all of creation. Practicing outimacy allows us to participate in the divine nature of expansive, self-giving love.

7. God's love story with humanity is the ultimate model of intimacy

"If you watch that video and you can't see Jesus in it, you're not looking closely enough."

Divine intimacy as our guide. The Bible presents God's relationship with humanity as the ultimate love story, providing a model for intimate relationships. This divine intimacy is characterized by persistent love, sacrificial giving, and a desire for close connection despite human failings.

Key aspects of God's intimate love:

• Unconditional acceptance
• Sacrificial giving (exemplified in Jesus' incarnation and crucifixion)
• Constant presence and availability
• Desire for reciprocal relationship

By understanding and embracing God's intimate love for us, we can learn to love others more deeply and authentically. This divine model challenges us to move beyond superficial connections and risk vulnerability for the sake of true intimacy, both with God and with others.

Last updated: February 4, 2025