I'm Mostly Here to Enjoy Myself

1. Paris as a Catalyst for Self-Discovery

Leaving feels less like a risk than a necessity.

A new perspective. The author's journey to Paris is not just a vacation but a deliberate act of self-discovery. After a period of isolation and stagnation, she seeks a change of scenery to see herself and her life differently. Paris, with its romanticized image, becomes a backdrop for this personal transformation.

Breaking free from routine. The act of traveling to a new place disrupts the author's established routines and thought patterns. This disruption allows her to shed old habits and perspectives, creating space for new experiences and self-awareness. The city itself becomes a character, a silent observer of her journey.

Seeking a different light. The author isn't looking for a complete transformation but rather a shift in perspective. She wants to see herself and her life in a new light, to feel a sense of vibrancy and aliveness that has been missing. This journey is about self-reflection and the pursuit of personal growth.

2. The Allure of the Unseen and the Power of Observation

Paris is its own silhouette.

Mystery and anticipation. The author is drawn to the unknown, the "silhouette" of Paris, and the potential for discovery. She finds a certain allure in the lack of information, allowing her to project her own desires and expectations onto the city and the people she encounters.

The art of seeing. The author's journey is marked by a keen sense of observation. She pays attention to the details of her surroundings, from the architecture to the people she encounters. This act of seeing becomes a way of understanding herself and her place in the world.

Beyond the surface. The author is not content with superficial observations. She seeks to understand the underlying meanings and emotions that shape her experiences. This deeper level of engagement allows her to connect with the city and its inhabitants on a more profound level.

3. Desire as a Driving Force for Change

My body is not here for validation. My body is here for pleasure.

Reclaiming physical agency. The author's journey is fueled by a desire for physical connection and pleasure. After a period of isolation, she seeks to reclaim her body and her sexuality, not for validation but for personal enjoyment. This desire becomes a catalyst for change and self-discovery.

The pursuit of enjoyment. The author's focus on pleasure is not just about physical gratification but also about a broader sense of enjoyment in life. She seeks to experience the world with all her senses, to savor the moments and to embrace the fullness of her existence.

Challenging societal norms. The author's pursuit of pleasure challenges traditional societal expectations for women. She rejects the idea that women should prioritize the needs and desires of others over their own, choosing instead to prioritize her own well-being and happiness.

4. The Fluidity of Identity and the Freedom of Choice

You are all the dresses, and none.

Multiple selves. The author recognizes that she is not a fixed entity but rather a collection of different selves. She explores these different aspects of her identity through her clothing, her interactions with others, and her experiences in Paris.

The freedom of being untethered. The author's life as a single, childless woman allows her a certain degree of freedom and flexibility. She is not bound by traditional roles or expectations, and she is free to explore different paths and possibilities.

Embracing the unknown. The author's journey is marked by a willingness to embrace the unknown and to step outside of her comfort zone. She is not afraid to try new things, to meet new people, and to explore different aspects of herself.

5. The Importance of Female Friendship and Shared Experiences

At this table, we’ve all made the same choices; we’re all secure in them.

A common language. The author finds solace and understanding in her friendships with other women who have made similar life choices. These friendships provide a space where she can be herself without judgment or explanation.

Shared understanding. The women in the author's circle share a common understanding of the challenges and joys of living outside of traditional societal norms. This shared understanding creates a sense of camaraderie and support.

A source of strength. The author's friendships are not just a source of comfort but also a source of strength. These women encourage her to be herself, to pursue her desires, and to live life on her own terms.

6. Navigating the Complexities of Pleasure and Self-Acceptance

I’m mostly here to enjoy myself.

Beyond validation. The author's journey is not about seeking validation from others but about finding pleasure and satisfaction within herself. She learns to prioritize her own needs and desires, rejecting the idea that her worth is dependent on external approval.

The challenge of self-acceptance. The author's journey is not without its challenges. She grapples with feelings of self-doubt and insecurity, but she learns to accept herself, flaws and all. This self-acceptance is a crucial part of her personal growth.

The power of directness. The author's directness in expressing her desires is a form of self-assertion. She refuses to play games or to hide her true feelings, choosing instead to be honest and authentic in her interactions with others.

7. The Interplay of Time, Memory, and Personal Narrative

I once went to a museum exhibit about Einstein, and the only idea I took away from it was that movement stretches time.

Time as a construct. The author's experiences in Paris challenge her perception of time. She finds that movement and new experiences can stretch time, making her life feel longer and more meaningful.

The weight of the past. The author's memories of past trips to Paris and past versions of herself shape her present experiences. She grapples with the feeling that time has somehow looped back on itself, and she seeks to understand how her past has shaped her present.

Creating a personal narrative. The author's journey is about creating her own personal narrative, one that is not defined by traditional societal expectations. She seeks to understand her own story and to find meaning in her experiences.

8. The Power of Movement and the Search for Connection

I could never have conceived of a world in which I’d describe flying as enjoyable, and yet, right now I can’t think of a single thing that would bring me more pleasure than this sense of velocity currently racing through my body.

Physical and emotional motion. The author's journey is marked by a desire for both physical and emotional movement. She seeks to break free from the stagnation of her past and to propel herself forward into new experiences.

The joy of velocity. The author finds pleasure in the sensation of movement, whether it's flying across the ocean or biking through the streets of Paris. This sense of velocity becomes a metaphor for her personal growth and transformation.

Connection through shared experiences. The author's journey is not just about personal exploration but also about connecting with others. She finds joy in sharing experiences with her friends and in forming new connections with the people she meets.

9. The Subversion of Traditional Narratives and the Embrace of the Unconventional

The narrative, I would say, is that there is no narrative.

Rejecting prescribed roles. The author's life is a rejection of traditional narratives for women. She refuses to be defined by marriage, motherhood, or any other societal expectation, choosing instead to create her own path.

Finding power in the absence of a script. The author's journey is about figuring out how to live when there is no prescribed script to follow. She embraces the uncertainty and the freedom that comes with not having a clear path.

Celebrating the unconventional. The author's story is a celebration of the unconventional. She finds joy in the unexpected, in the moments that don't fit into traditional narratives, and in the freedom to be herself.

10. The Beauty of Imperfection and the Acceptance of the Present Moment

I don’t care what might be wrong with me. Or rather, I can’t seem to make myself care even when I try.

Embracing flaws. The author's journey is marked by a growing acceptance of her own imperfections. She learns to let go of the need to be perfect and to embrace her flaws as part of her unique identity.

The power of the present. The author's focus on pleasure and enjoyment is rooted in the present moment. She learns to appreciate the beauty of her surroundings and the joy of her experiences, without worrying about the past or the future.

Finding beauty in the mundane. The author's journey is not about grand gestures or dramatic events but about finding beauty in the everyday. She learns to appreciate the small moments, the simple pleasures, and the ordinary experiences that make up her life.

Last updated: February 3, 2025