Laying Down the Law

1. Establish a Family Code of Values to Guide Behavior

If you belive that your kids will just naturally develop into good citizens or caring people, think again.

Define your family's values. A family code of values serves as a foundation for behavior and decision-making. It clearly outlines what your family stands for and the behaviors you promote. This code should include principles such as honesty, responsibility, compassion, and work ethic.

Communicate and model values. Regularly discuss your family's values with your children and demonstrate them through your own actions. This consistency helps children internalize these principles and understand their importance in daily life. As children grow, periodically review and update the code to ensure it remains relevant and appropriate for their developmental stages.

2. Embrace Discipline as a Positive Teaching Tool

Discipline is not abuse; it may not even involve punishment.

Reframe discipline as teaching. Discipline is not about punishment but about guiding children towards self-control, frustration tolerance, and perseverance. It involves setting clear expectations, establishing boundaries, and providing consistent consequences for behavior.

Use positive reinforcement. Praise and reward good behavior to encourage its repetition. When correction is necessary, focus on teaching the correct behavior rather than solely punishing the mistake. This approach helps children develop a positive association with discipline and understand its role in their growth and development.

3. Don't Be a Peace-at-Any-Price Parent

Ever cave in to your kids' demands just to get them off your back or to give you a break from having to say "no" for the 110th time?

Stand your ground. Constantly giving in to children's demands to avoid conflict teaches them that persistence in misbehavior will be rewarded. This undermines your authority and fails to teach important life lessons about boundaries and respect.

Embrace short-term discomfort. Recognize that saying "no" and enforcing rules may lead to temporary upset, but it's crucial for long-term character development. Children who learn to accept limits and deal with disappointment develop better emotional regulation and resilience.

4. Appoint Yourself Benevolent Dictator

Families are not democracies.

Take charge with compassion. As a parent, you must make final decisions on important matters, even if your children disagree. This doesn't mean being tyrannical; rather, it involves listening to your children's perspectives while maintaining ultimate authority.

Balance authority with flexibility. Allow children to have input on less critical decisions to help them develop decision-making skills. However, maintain clear boundaries on non-negotiable issues related to safety, health, and core family values.

5. Connect Consequences to Behavior

I guarantee you can get better behavior from your child. But there is only one way to do it. You must make it perfectly, unmistakably, absolutely clear that what he does will determine what happens to him.

Establish clear cause-and-effect relationships. Help children understand that their actions have direct consequences, both positive and negative. This connection helps them develop a sense of responsibility for their choices.

Be consistent and immediate. Apply consequences promptly and consistently to reinforce the behavior-consequence connection. This approach helps children learn to anticipate outcomes and make better decisions in the future.

6. Establish Clear Daily Expectations

A five-dollar kitchen timer is the most effective, easy, and fabulous way to turn lazy, noncompliant kids into movers and shakers!

Create a structured routine. Develop a clear schedule for daily tasks and responsibilities. Use tools like timers to help children understand time limits and develop a sense of urgency in completing tasks.

Set reasonable goals. Ensure that expectations are age-appropriate and achievable. Break larger tasks into smaller, manageable steps to prevent overwhelming children and promote a sense of accomplishment.

7. Make Consequences Catastrophic When Necessary

If it doesn't "hurt," then it won't work. To get the kid's attention (and compliance), you have to think outside of the box—get creative and get catastrophic!

Escalate consequences for persistent misbehavior. When milder consequences fail to change behavior, implement more significant penalties that truly impact the child. This might include removing prized possessions or restricting highly valued privileges.

Maintain proportionality. Ensure that even "catastrophic" consequences are appropriate to the offense and don't cross into abusive territory. The goal is to create a memorable deterrent, not to traumatize the child.

8. Have Zero Tolerance for Substance Use

Any substance use (drugs and/or alcohol) is substance abuse.

Establish clear rules against substance use. Make it unequivocally clear that any drug or alcohol use is unacceptable. This zero-tolerance policy helps protect children from the dangers of addiction and substance-related harm.

Educate and communicate. Regularly discuss the risks of substance use with your children. Be open to their questions and concerns, and provide factual information about the consequences of drug and alcohol use.

9. Communicate Effectively and Listen to Your Children

Shut up and listen.

Practice active listening. Give your full attention when your children speak, avoiding the urge to interrupt or immediately offer solutions. This approach helps children feel heard and valued, encouraging open communication.

Validate emotions. Acknowledge your children's feelings, even if you disagree with their perspective. This validation helps children develop emotional intelligence and feel more comfortable sharing their thoughts and concerns with you.

10. Adapt Parenting Strategies as Children Grow

As kids grow, often so do their problem behaviors. What's cute at three just doesn't cut it at six.

Recognize developmental changes. Understand that children's needs, abilities, and challenges evolve as they grow. Regularly reassess your parenting strategies to ensure they remain effective and appropriate for your child's current stage of development.

Adjust rules and expectations. As children mature, gradually increase their responsibilities and privileges. This progressive approach helps children develop independence and decision-making skills while maintaining appropriate boundaries.

11. Stand Up for Education and Address School Issues

You may be surprised at the real reasons behind your kid's whines of "I don't want to go to school."

Investigate reluctance to attend school. If your child consistently resists going to school, dig deeper to understand the underlying causes. Common issues include social difficulties, learning challenges, or anxiety.

Advocate for your child's needs. Work closely with teachers and school administrators to address any identified issues. This might involve seeking additional support services, adjusting classroom placements, or developing strategies to improve your child's school experience.

12. Practice Patient Parenting and Prioritize Family Life

Don't forget, having a family is supposed to be fun!

Manage stress and expectations. Recognize that perfect parenting is impossible and that occasional frustration is normal. Practice self-care and stress-management techniques to maintain patience and perspective.

Create quality family time. Prioritize activities that allow for genuine connection and enjoyment as a family. This might involve regular family dinners, game nights, or shared hobbies. These positive experiences help balance the challenges of daily life and strengthen family bonds.

Last updated: July 25, 2024