Not That I'd Kiss A Girl

1. Coming out: A journey of self-discovery and acceptance

"Who she was was exactly who she was always meant to be."

Self-realization: Lilly's journey of coming out begins with early signs of attraction to women, from childhood crushes to teenage experiences. She struggles with understanding and accepting her sexuality, often trying to conform to societal expectations by dating men.

Gradual acceptance: Through experiences like watching "The Truth About Jane" and attending the Blossom coming-out group, Lilly slowly embraces her identity. She first comes out as bisexual while working in Colorado, using it as a stepping stone to fully accepting herself as a lesbian.

Personal growth: Coming out allows Lilly to feel more authentic and confident in herself. She describes feeling "superior" and having a sense of freedom after embracing her sexuality, despite the challenges it brings in her personal and family life.

2. Family rejection: Navigating the aftermath of coming out

"I am not okay. You don't even know what you've put me through."

Initial shock: Lilly's parents discover her sexuality accidentally, leading to an explosive confrontation. They react with anger, disgust, and rejection, forcing Lilly to leave their home.

Ongoing struggle: The relationship with her parents deteriorates over time, with sporadic and tense interactions. Lilly's mother struggles to accept her daughter's sexuality, leading to emotional distress for both parties.

• Financial consequences: Parents partially cut off financial support
• Emotional toll: Strained relationships, loss of family closeness
• Identity conflict: Balancing family expectations with personal authenticity

Coping mechanisms: Lilly finds support in friends and chosen family, learning to navigate her new reality without parental approval. She struggles with guilt and shame but ultimately chooses to prioritize her authentic self.

3. Exploring sexuality: First experiences and relationships

"I had never seen anything like two women, long-term partners, who lived together and engaged in something as simple as sharing a bathroom or dropping each other to work—and they had passion too."

Early encounters: Lilly's first sexual experiences with women are often complicated by alcohol, inexperience, and emotional baggage. She navigates relationships with Ava, Jade, and others, learning about herself and her desires in the process.

Emotional complexities: Many of Lilly's early relationships are marked by power imbalances, unrequited feelings, or complicated dynamics. She often finds herself drawn to unavailable or straight women, leading to heartache and confusion.

Sexual discovery: Lilly learns to navigate the physical and emotional aspects of same-sex relationships, often struggling with internalized shame and societal expectations. She discovers her preferences and boundaries through trial and error, gradually becoming more comfortable with her sexuality.

4. Queer community: Finding belonging and facing challenges

"I was the first lesbian most of them had ever met knowingly, and I guess their curiosity extended to 'I wonder what it would be like to kiss a girl?'"

Finding community: Lilly joins the Purple Passions soccer team and attends FUNQ, the monthly queer night, as ways to connect with other LGBTQ+ individuals. These experiences provide both a sense of belonging and new challenges.

Stereotypes and prejudice: Within the queer community, Lilly faces judgement for her femme appearance and struggles to fit in with more masculine-presenting lesbians. She also encounters homophobia from other women's sports teams.

Personal growth: Through her interactions with the queer community, Lilly learns to challenge her own prejudices and broaden her understanding of diverse LGBTQ+ experiences. She gradually finds her place within the community while maintaining her authentic self.

5. Identity formation: Balancing personal growth and societal expectations

"I was so confused by what I was doing, but I drove closer and closer until finally I was pulling in next to our garage."

Evolving self-perception: Lilly's journey involves constantly reassessing her identity, from initially identifying as bisexual to fully embracing her lesbian identity. She grapples with societal expectations and her own internalized homophobia throughout this process.

Professional identity: As Lilly enters the advertising world, she must navigate how her sexuality intersects with her career. She learns to balance being out at work with maintaining professional boundaries.

Personal relationships: Lilly's friendships and romantic relationships evolve as she becomes more comfortable with her identity. She learns to set boundaries, communicate her needs, and seek out healthier connections.

6. Workplace dynamics: Navigating relationships and sexuality in professional settings

"Lesbians make friends with each other quickly, I was learning that."

Professional boundaries: Lilly's experiences in the advertising industry highlight the complex dynamics of workplace relationships, especially when sexuality is involved. She navigates flirtations and relationships with coworkers like Veronika, Alena, and Isabella.

Power dynamics: The advertising world is portrayed as a place where personal and professional lines often blur. Lilly learns to navigate these complexities while trying to establish herself in her career.

• Alcohol-fueled socializing: Frequent after-work drinks and parties
• Sexual tension: Flirtations and hookups between coworkers
• Career implications: Balancing personal relationships with professional growth

Growth and learning: Through her experiences, Lilly begins to understand the importance of maintaining boundaries and making decisions that prioritize her well-being and career goals.

7. Self-acceptance: Embracing authenticity and overcoming internalized shame

"I had a revelation that I didn't enjoy being on the receiving end of oral sex, not just from Veronika but from anyone. It was the position that left me the most vulnerable to all those bad thoughts flying in, because there was this physical detachment."

Overcoming shame: Lilly's journey involves confronting and overcoming internalized homophobia and shame. She learns to embrace her sexuality and find pride in her identity, despite societal and familial disapproval.

Authentic relationships: As Lilly becomes more comfortable with herself, she seeks out more authentic and fulfilling relationships. She learns to recognize and avoid unhealthy dynamics and to prioritize her own needs and desires.

Ongoing process: Self-acceptance is portrayed as an ongoing journey rather than a destination. Lilly continues to grow and learn about herself throughout her experiences, gradually becoming more confident and secure in her identity.

Last updated: November 20, 2024