Real Self-Care

1. Real self-care is an internal process, not external products or activities

Real self-care is not a noun, it's a verb—an ongoing internal process that guides us toward profound emotional wellness and reimagines how we interact with others.

Internal decision-making. Real self-care involves making difficult choices that align with your values and priorities. It's not about buying products or following trendy wellness practices, but rather developing a sustainable approach to caring for yourself from the inside out. This process requires:

• Self-reflection and introspection
• Identifying personal values and priorities
• Making conscious decisions that honor your needs

Long-term benefits. Unlike quick fixes or temporary escapes, real self-care leads to lasting emotional well-being and improved relationships. By focusing on internal growth rather than external solutions, you develop:

• Greater self-awareness
• Improved decision-making skills
• More authentic connections with others

2. Faux self-care perpetuates harmful systems and leaves women unfulfilled

Faux self-care is faux because when used alone, without the critical internal work we will discuss in this book, it does nothing to change our larger systems.

Empty promises. Faux self-care, often marketed as products or activities, fails to address the root causes of women's stress and burnout. It perpetuates harmful systems by:

• Placing responsibility for well-being solely on the individual
• Ignoring systemic issues that contribute to women's struggles
• Promoting temporary relief without lasting change

Coping mechanisms. Women often turn to faux self-care as a way to escape, achieve, or optimize their lives. These approaches include:

• Wellness retreats and spa treatments
• Extreme productivity hacks and time management strategies
• Performative self-care activities for social media

While these may provide momentary relief, they ultimately leave women feeling unfulfilled and trapped in cycles of burnout and guilt.

3. Boundaries are essential for reclaiming your time and energy

Your boundary is in your pause—you can say yes, you can say no, or you can negotiate.

Reclaiming agency. Setting boundaries is the cornerstone of real self-care, allowing you to take control of your time and energy. Effective boundary-setting involves:

• Recognizing that you have choices in how you respond to requests
• Communicating your needs and limits clearly
• Learning to tolerate feelings of guilt that may arise

Practical strategies. To develop stronger boundaries:

• Start small with low-stakes situations
• Use clear, direct language when communicating limits
• Practice saying no without over-explaining or apologizing
• Allow yourself time to consider requests before responding

Remember that setting boundaries is a skill that improves with practice and may feel uncomfortable at first.

4. Self-compassion is crucial for overcoming guilt and shame

Giving yourself permission to practice self-compassion is, in and of itself, an act of compassion.

Breaking free from self-criticism. Self-compassion involves treating yourself with kindness and understanding, especially in difficult moments. This practice helps counteract the tendency to engage in harsh self-judgment and shame-based thinking. Key components of self-compassion include:

• Recognizing common humanity in struggles
• Treating yourself with the same kindness you'd offer a friend
• Developing psychological flexibility to navigate difficult emotions

Overcoming obstacles. Two major barriers to self-compassion are:

1. Martyr Mode: Feeling pride in self-sacrifice and suffering
2. Shame: Believing you are inherently unworthy or bad

To cultivate self-compassion:

• Practice cognitive defusion techniques to create distance from negative thoughts
• Embrace the concept of being "Good Enough" rather than perfect
• Allow yourself to receive help and support from others

5. Identifying your values guides authentic decision-making

Values are our heart's deepest desires for the way we want to interact with the world, other people, and ourselves.

Clarity in choices. Understanding your core values provides a compass for making decisions aligned with your authentic self. This process involves:

• Distinguishing between goals (tangible objectives) and values (desired qualities of action)
• Reflecting on past experiences to identify what truly matters to you
• Considering how you want to show up in different areas of your life

Building your values list. To identify your values:

1. Review common values and note which resonate with you
2. Reflect on peak experiences and what made them meaningful
3. Consider how you'd like to be remembered or what legacy you want to leave
4. Examine situations where you've felt most alive or fulfilled

Use your values list to create a Real Self-Care Compass, guiding your decisions in various life domains.

6. Real self-care is a powerful act of resistance against oppressive systems

Systems of oppression win by beating us down and stripping us of meaning and hope—they convince us that we are powerless against them. Our work is to be unflinching in recasting our narrative to one of power.

Reclaiming agency. Real self-care involves recognizing and asserting your power within oppressive systems. This act of resistance includes:

• Embracing the complexity of your story and experiences
• Challenging narratives that diminish your worth or agency
• Making choices aligned with your values, even when they go against societal expectations

Cultivating hope. Maintaining hope in the face of systemic challenges is crucial for sustaining real self-care practices. Strategies for building hope include:

• Problem-solving: Taking concrete actions to address issues
• Emotion regulation: Managing stress and difficult feelings
• Activating core identity: Connecting with personal or collective identities
• Relational coping: Seeking support from mentors or trusted individuals

By cultivating hope and agency, you resist the urge to become cynical or apathetic in the face of systemic constraints.

7. Personal change leads to systemic transformation

A system changes only after a critical mass of individual people show up differently—in other words, internal and individual changes made by many are a prerequisite for systemic change.

Ripple effect. When individuals practice real self-care, they create a positive feedback loop that can lead to broader systemic change. Examples of this impact include:

• Workplace policies shifting in response to employees prioritizing mental health
• Cultural conversations evolving around topics like work-life balance and burnout
• New support systems emerging within communities

Paying it forward. As you develop your real self-care practice, consider how you can contribute to community care and support others in their journey. This might involve:

• Sharing resources and knowledge with those who have less access
• Advocating for policy changes that support well-being for all
• Mentoring others or creating spaces for collective growth and healing

Remember that change is ongoing, and every small action contributes to the larger transformation of our systems and culture.

Last updated: October 25, 2024