Key Takeaways
1. Trauma affects everyone and changes the brain's functioning
"Trauma exists in two forms: acute and chronic. Acute is a scary, onetime event; whereas chronic is a distressing event or situation that happens repeatedly or continually over a period of time."
Trauma is universal. Everyone experiences trauma to some degree, whether it's moving to a new home, changing schools, or experiencing a natural disaster. These experiences can change how our brains function, particularly in the areas of the brain stem, amygdala, and prefrontal cortex.
Impact on the brain:
- Brain stem: Controls basic bodily functions and survival instincts
- Amygdala: Acts as the brain's alarm system, processing fear and emotions
- Prefrontal cortex: Responsible for executive functioning, logic, and reasoning
Trauma can cause the brain to operate in survival mode, overriding logical thinking and emotional regulation. This is especially true for children who have experienced chronic trauma, as their brains may become "stuck" in this survival state, affecting their ability to form healthy attachments and regulate emotions.
2. Healthy attachments are crucial for resilience and healing
"Our attachment bonds are our greatest protection against threat."
Secure attachments form the foundation for all future relationships and provide numerous benefits:
- Ability to connect with family and friends
- Seeing oneself through others' eyes
- Functioning within the community
- Grounding and protection from danger
Children who have experienced trauma often struggle with forming secure attachments. This can manifest in various ways, such as:
- Prickly or seemingly illogical behaviors
- Difficulty trusting caregivers
- Pushing others away or becoming overly clingy
Caregivers can help build healthy attachments by:
- Being patient and consistent
- Building trust through meeting needs
- Maintaining a stable environment
- Pursuing connection even when it's difficult
3. Behavior is a voice: Understanding the root of challenging behaviors
"Behavior is a voice. It is a symptom or a reaction to something larger than the behavior itself."
Look beyond the surface. When children exhibit challenging behaviors, it's essential to recognize that these actions are often communicating an underlying need or emotion. Instead of focusing solely on correcting the behavior, caregivers should strive to understand its root cause.
Common reasons for challenging behaviors:
- Unmet physical needs (hunger, tiredness, discomfort)
- Emotional dysregulation
- Sensory processing issues
- Lack of body awareness
- Triggers related to past trauma
- Fear or insecurity
To better understand and address behaviors:
- Observe patterns and triggers
- Ask questions about what happened before, during, and after the behavior
- Consider the child's trauma history and how it might be influencing their actions
- Work with professionals to identify any underlying medical or developmental issues
4. Co-regulation strategies help children manage emotions
"Co-regulation always requires a connection."
Connection is key. Co-regulation involves caregivers actively helping children manage their emotions and return to a calm state. This process is crucial for children who have experienced trauma and may struggle with self-regulation.
Effective co-regulation strategies:
- Stay calm and regulated yourself
- Use a gentle, assuring tone of voice
- Offer physical comfort if appropriate (hugs, hand-holding)
- Provide distractions or transitional objects
- Use weighted items for proprioceptive input
- Offer food or water to meet basic needs
- Stay present, even if the child pushes you away
As trust builds, caregivers can help regulate emotions earlier in the process, eventually leading to the child's ability to self-regulate. Remember that co-regulation is not about permitting bad behavior but about creating a safe environment for the child to process their emotions.
5. Self-care is essential for caregivers to effectively support children
"Self-care is one of the most giving, selfless things you can do for your family."
Prioritize your well-being. Caring for children with trauma histories can be emotionally and physically draining. To provide effective support, caregivers must prioritize their own self-care and emotional regulation.
Self-care strategies for caregivers:
- Take regular breaks
- Engage in activities that bring joy
- Maintain a support network
- Practice stress-reduction techniques (meditation, exercise)
- Seek professional help when needed
Remember that self-care is not selfish; it's necessary for maintaining the energy and emotional capacity to support your children effectively. By modeling self-care and emotional regulation, you also teach your children valuable skills for managing their own emotions and stress.
6. Effective communication with schools, professionals, and family members is key
"It's always better for the school to hear from you with preemptive communication about your child than for you to hear from them with reactive communication."
Be proactive and prepared. Clear, respectful communication with schools, healthcare providers, and family members is crucial for creating a supportive environment for your child.
Tips for effective communication:
- Prepare a script or key points before important conversations
- Share only necessary information to protect your child's privacy
- Assume the best intentions from others
- Offer solutions and resources when possible
- Teach your child to advocate for themselves
When communicating with schools:
- Contact teachers and administrators early in the school year
- Provide specific information about your child's needs and triggers
- Collaborate on creating accommodations or support plans
For healthcare providers:
- Keep detailed logs of behaviors and concerns
- Prepare questions in advance of appointments
- Be open to learning from professionals while also sharing your expertise about your child
With family members:
- Set clear boundaries around your child's privacy and needs
- Educate interested family members about trauma and its effects
- Be prepared to limit contact if necessary to protect your child's well-being
7. Prevention and intervention strategies for crisis behaviors
"Safety first."
Be prepared for emergencies. While prevention is ideal, it's essential to have strategies in place for managing crisis behaviors when they occur.
Prevention strategies:
- Identify triggers and warning signs
- Create and follow safety plans
- Maintain consistent routines and expectations
- Use humor and distraction techniques
Intervention strategies:
- Prioritize safety for the child and others
- Remain calm and regulated yourself
- Use the least amount of correction necessary
- Allow for natural consequences when appropriate
- Document incidents and responses
Remember that the goal during a crisis is to help the child return to a regulated state, not to punish or correct behavior in the moment. Once the crisis has passed, you can address the underlying issues and work on prevention strategies for the future.
8. Moving towards self-regulation and healing
"Our goal is for our children to care for themselves and meet their own needs one day."
Foster independence gradually. While co-regulation is crucial, the ultimate goal is to help children develop the skills to manage their own emotions and behaviors.
Steps towards self-regulation:
- Teach emotional language and awareness
- Help children identify physical sensations associated with emotions
- Encourage children to communicate their needs
- Practice problem-solving skills together
- Celebrate small successes in emotional management
Remember that healing from trauma is a journey, not a destination. Progress may be slow and non-linear, but with consistent support and patience, children can develop the skills they need to thrive. As caregivers, your role is to provide a safe, nurturing environment where children can learn, grow, and heal at their own pace.
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FAQ
1. What is Securely Attached by Mike Berry about?
- Focus on childhood trauma: Securely Attached explores how understanding childhood trauma can transform parenting, especially for adoptive and foster parents.
- Attachment and brain science: The book explains how trauma impacts children’s brain development and their ability to form secure attachments.
- Practical and personal: Mike and Kristin Berry blend scientific research, therapeutic insights, and their own experiences as adoptive and foster parents to offer actionable advice.
2. Why should I read Securely Attached by Mike Berry?
- Comprehensive trauma resource: The book combines research, real-life stories, and practical strategies, making it a valuable guide for foster and adoptive parents.
- Empowerment and understanding: It helps parents shift their perspective from seeing “bad behavior” to recognizing trauma responses, empowering them to respond with empathy.
- Support and encouragement: Readers gain tools to help children heal, build healthy attachments, and find hope and validation for their unique parenting journey.
3. What are the key takeaways from Securely Attached by Mike Berry?
- Regulation before correction: Helping children re-regulate emotionally is the first step before addressing behavior, preventing escalation and building trust.
- Detective work is essential: Identifying triggers and early warning signs through observation and documentation helps prevent meltdowns.
- Co-regulation leads to self-regulation: Caregivers must help children manage emotions until they can do it independently, with connection and patience as the foundation.
- Self-care for caregivers: Parents must regulate their own emotions and practice self-care to sustain their caregiving role and model healthy behavior.
4. How does Securely Attached by Mike Berry define trauma and its impact on children?
- Broad definition of trauma: Trauma includes acute (single event) and chronic (ongoing) experiences, and even seemingly minor events can be traumatic depending on a child’s history.
- Brain changes: Trauma affects the brain stem (survival), amygdala (alarm), and prefrontal cortex (reasoning), often causing children to operate in survival mode.
- Trauma as a filter: Children with trauma perceive everyday experiences differently, often reacting in ways that seem exaggerated or confusing to caregivers.
5. How does trauma disrupt attachment according to Securely Attached by Mike Berry?
- Attachment built on trust: Trauma, especially loss or separation from biological parents, disrupts the natural process of forming secure attachments by creating fear and mistrust.
- Survival mode overrides connection: When children are stuck in survival mode, higher brain functions responsible for attachment and reasoning are suppressed.
- Constant fear and uncertainty: Children with insecure attachments may feel like they’re living in a “haunted house,” making it difficult to connect with caregivers even in safe environments.
6. What is resiliency and how does Securely Attached by Mike Berry suggest it can be built in trauma-impacted children?
- Resiliency defined: Resiliency is the ability to bounce back from adversity, but it is not automatic in children with trauma histories.
- Built through relationships: Consistent care, healthy attachments, and a safe environment help children develop resiliency over time.
- Chronic trauma challenges: Children with chronic trauma need intentional support to develop the capacity to recover from stress, as their “rubber bands” are overstretched.
7. How does Securely Attached by Mike Berry explain the difference between “bad behavior” and trauma-related behavior?
- Behavior as communication: Many challenging behaviors are survival responses or symptoms of dysregulation, not willful disobedience.
- Consider underlying issues: Trauma, sensory needs, executive functioning challenges, and unmet physical or emotional needs can all influence behavior.
- Look beyond the surface: Parents are encouraged to assess root causes before labeling behavior as “bad,” shifting from punishment to understanding.
8. What detective work does Securely Attached by Mike Berry recommend for understanding children’s behaviors?
- Observe and document: Caregivers should carefully observe, listen, and keep records of behaviors to identify patterns and triggers.
- Use the five senses: Paying attention to what the child experiences through touch, taste, smell, sight, and sound can reveal important clues.
- Empower children: Teaching emotional language and body awareness helps children recognize and communicate their feelings and needs.
9. What is co-regulation and how does Securely Attached by Mike Berry recommend using it to help children?
- Co-regulation defined: Co-regulation is when caregivers take the lead in helping children manage emotions, especially when children cannot do so themselves.
- Connection is key: Staying close and connected, even when a child pushes away, helps them return to a regulated state and builds trust.
- Developmentally appropriate: The book provides age-specific strategies for co-regulation, from infancy through adolescence, and emphasizes teaching emotional language for eventual self-regulation.
10. What prevention and intervention strategies does Securely Attached by Mike Berry recommend for managing trauma behaviors?
- Prevention through de-escalation: Caregivers can reduce challenging behaviors by managing their own emotions, maintaining consistency, and creating safe, predictable environments.
- Intervention for re-regulation: When behaviors escalate, focus on calming the child and returning them to baseline before addressing the behavior.
- Attachment-centered approach: Strategies prioritize connection and understanding over punishment, reinforcing secure attachments and long-term healing.
11. How does Securely Attached by Mike Berry advise parents to manage crisis behaviors and ensure safety?
- Stay calm and self-regulate: Caregivers must manage their own emotions to avoid escalating the situation and set a calm tone.
- Prioritize safety: Immediate safety for the child and others is paramount, which may involve removing dangerous objects or separating individuals.
- Use a safety plan: Families should have a clear, agreed-upon safety plan, including code words or exit strategies, and seek outside support when needed.
12. What self-care and advocacy strategies does Securely Attached by Mike Berry recommend for caregivers?
- Know your triggers: Caregivers should understand their own emotional responses and use calming techniques like deep breathing or taking breaks.
- Build a support network: Connecting with trusted, nonjudgmental people provides emotional relief and perspective.
- Advocate effectively: Be prepared, informed, and respectful when communicating with professionals, and share only necessary information to protect the child’s privacy.
- Self-care is essential: Prioritizing self-care enables caregivers to sustain their role and model healthy regulation for their children.
Review Summary
Securely Attached is highly praised for its practical advice on parenting foster and adopted children who have experienced trauma. Readers appreciate the authors' personal experience and empathetic approach. The book explains trauma's impact on the brain and attachment, offering strategies for co-regulation and understanding challenging behaviors. Many found it helpful for all caregivers, not just adoptive parents. While some criticized religious references, most reviewers considered it an invaluable resource for creating secure attachments and navigating the complexities of foster care and adoption.
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