Sh*t I Say to Myself

1. Recognize that thoughts are not facts

Thoughts aren't inherently true or false; they are simply electrical signals that fire in your mind, which your mind then rapidly interprets.

Thoughts are interpretations. Our minds produce thousands of thoughts daily, many of which are not based on observable facts but rather on subjective perceptions and biases. Understanding this can help us detach from negative self-talk and question the validity of our thoughts.

Evaluate thought accuracy. To challenge negative thoughts:

• Ask if the thought is 100% true, 100% of the time
• Consider if 100 strangers would unanimously agree with your perception
• Examine the evidence for and against the thought
• Identify the story or core belief the thought upholds
• Reflect on how believing the thought affects your life

By recognizing thoughts as mental events rather than absolute truths, we can choose to engage with helpful thoughts and let go of those that don't serve us.

2. Practice self-compassion to combat negative self-talk

Self-compassion is the act of turning that loving energy toward ourselves when we are struggling, noticing something we dislike about ourselves, feeling difficult emotions, or are in any state of distress or discomfort.

Treat yourself with kindness. Self-compassion involves acknowledging our pain, offering ourselves comfort, and recognizing our shared humanity. It's not self-pity or self-indulgence, but rather a way to motivate ourselves through love instead of criticism.

Implement self-compassion practices:

• Validate your pain and emotions
• Offer yourself comfort and soothing touch (e.g., hand on heart)
• Remind yourself of your shared humanity ("Everyone struggles sometimes")
• Use compassionate self-talk ("It's okay to feel this way")
• Practice mindfulness to observe thoughts without judgment

By cultivating self-compassion, we create a supportive inner environment that fosters resilience, growth, and emotional well-being.

3. Embrace imperfection and let go of unrealistic expectations

Please don't take this personally, but you'll never be perfect—so, let's figure out how to let go of this bit of self-talk once and for all.

Perfection is unattainable. Striving for perfection often leads to self-criticism, anxiety, and low self-esteem. Embracing imperfection allows us to accept ourselves as we are and focus on growth rather than unattainable standards.

Shift from perfectionism to self-acceptance:

• Recognize that everyone is inherently flawed
• Challenge unrealistic standards and expectations
• Focus on progress and effort rather than outcomes
• Practice self-compassion when facing shortcomings
• Celebrate your unique qualities and strengths
• Reframe "failures" as learning opportunities

By accepting our imperfections, we can reduce stress, increase self-esteem, and cultivate more authentic relationships with ourselves and others.

4. Cultivate mindfulness to stay present and reduce rumination

Mindfulness is the practice of paying attention [to the world] in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally.

Present-moment awareness. Mindfulness helps us observe our thoughts and emotions without getting caught up in them. This practice can reduce anxiety, rumination, and negative self-talk by grounding us in the present moment.

Incorporate mindfulness into daily life:

• Practice formal meditation (e.g., breath awareness, body scan)
• Engage in mindful activities (e.g., walking, eating)
• Use grounding techniques (e.g., 5-4-3-2-1 sensory exercise)
• Label thoughts and emotions as they arise
• Take regular "mindful breaks" throughout the day

By developing a consistent mindfulness practice, we can create space between our thoughts and our reactions, allowing for more skillful responses to life's challenges.

5. Develop resilience by accepting life's inherent unfairness

Life doesn't give a shit about your happiness and the universe doesn't have a hidden agenda.

Embrace reality as it is. Accepting that life is inherently unfair can free us from unnecessary suffering caused by expectations of fairness. This acceptance allows us to focus on what we can control and respond more effectively to challenges.

Cultivate resilience through acceptance:

• Acknowledge unfairness without dwelling on it
• Focus on your response rather than external circumstances
• Practice gratitude for what you have
• Develop a growth mindset to learn from adversity
• Build a support network to help navigate challenges
• Engage in self-care and stress-management practices

By accepting life's unfairness, we can develop greater emotional resilience and find meaning in both positive and negative experiences.

6. Stop comparing yourself to others and focus on personal growth

How much time would you guess you've spent suffering, wanting aspects of others' lives while neglecting your own?

Comparison is self-defeating. Constantly measuring ourselves against others can lead to feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, and missed opportunities for personal growth. Focusing on our own journey allows us to cultivate authentic self-improvement.

Shift focus to personal development:

• Identify your own values and goals
• Celebrate your unique strengths and accomplishments
• Practice gratitude for your own progress
• Limit social media consumption if it triggers comparison
• Use others' success as inspiration rather than competition
• Set realistic, personalized goals based on your own capabilities

By redirecting energy from comparison to self-improvement, we can cultivate greater self-acceptance and achieve meaningful personal growth.

7. Transform shame into self-acceptance through vulnerability

Shame is so potent because it strongly activates our nervous system and begs for any action that will alleviate how isolating it feels.

Confront shame with courage. Shame thrives in secrecy and isolation. By acknowledging our shame and sharing our vulnerabilities with trusted others, we can transform shame into self-acceptance and connection.

Practice shame resilience:

• Recognize and label shame when it arises
• Understand shame triggers and common themes
• Practice self-compassion when experiencing shame
• Share your shame experiences with trusted others
• Challenge shame-based beliefs with evidence
• Cultivate empathy for yourself and others

By developing shame resilience, we can build stronger connections, increase self-acceptance, and live more authentically.

8. Reframe failure as a learning opportunity

Failing can hurt, and the experience of pain, when met with a compassionate response, will make it more likely that you won't give up on something that's important to you.

Failure is not final. Reframing failure as a natural part of growth and learning can help us overcome fear of failure and increase resilience. This mindset shift allows us to take more risks and pursue our goals with greater confidence.

Embrace failure as growth:

• Analyze failures for lessons and insights
• Practice self-compassion when facing setbacks
• Set process-oriented goals rather than outcome-oriented goals
• Celebrate effort and progress, not just results
• Share failure stories to normalize the experience
• Use visualization to imagine overcoming obstacles

By changing our relationship with failure, we can build resilience, increase motivation, and achieve greater success in the long run.

9. Accept your emotions without judgment

If you don't want to feel some kind of way, then you may have to take action to change it.

Emotions are information. Accepting our emotions without judgment allows us to process them more effectively and respond skillfully. Resistance to emotions often amplifies their intensity and prolongs our suffering.

Practice emotional acceptance:

• Label emotions as they arise
• Observe physical sensations associated with emotions
• Allow emotions to be present without trying to change them
• Use mindfulness techniques to create space around emotions
• Explore the underlying needs or values emotions point to
• Take appropriate action based on emotional insights

By accepting our emotions, we can develop greater emotional intelligence, reduce reactivity, and make more informed decisions.

10. Take responsibility for your own happiness and well-being

Even with a compelling request for our support, we always have the agency to opt out.

Own your choices. Recognizing that we are ultimately responsible for our own happiness and well-being empowers us to make positive changes in our lives. This mindset shift allows us to set healthy boundaries and prioritize self-care.

Cultivate personal responsibility:

• Identify areas where you feel powerless and explore your choices
• Practice setting and maintaining healthy boundaries
• Develop a self-care routine that supports your well-being
• Take ownership of your emotional responses
• Seek support when needed, but avoid dependency
• Focus on what you can control rather than external circumstances

By taking responsibility for our own happiness, we can create more fulfilling relationships, achieve personal goals, and build a life aligned with our values.

Last updated: July 28, 2024